Can your have a successful relationship without ever moving in together?

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

For those who asked, this is the guy I met in June

I remember that thread. 

Didn't you break up for several months last summer? 

Re-reading that thread, you wanted more but he "wasn't ready."  So you ended it, with the hope someday he would be ready. 

And you then went on to date another man going through a similar trauma and used you as his emotional sounding board. 

So, in truth it hasn't even been 6 months, has it?

I think it's much too early to be deciding anything but good luck. 

Edited January 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[DatingMom]

@poppyfields I'm not sure which thread you are reading. I was dating a guy in the spring for about 4 months who was very recently separated and was an emotional mess. He was still going through the grieving process of his past relationship which also unearthed past trauma. If we had met a year or two later, I could totally have seen that relationship work out, but he wasn't ready for anything committed at that point. I had considered whether I would be ok with things just being casual for a while until he figures things out, but finally realized that I wanted a committed long term relationship. When I brought this up with him, he honestly said that he wasn't ready for that and we broke it off. That guy ended up reaching out to me in October actually, and said that he regretted breaking it off and would like to give it another shot. Obviously, my answer was no. 

The guy I am seeing now I met last June, a week or so after I broke up with the other guy. We didn't rush into things and took it slow until end of August when we started seeing each other more frequently and took a trip together. In October, he introduced me to his family and children (children as a friend), and I decided to do the same. 

I definitely wouldn't say that he has been using me as his emotional sounding board. He was going through a rough patch in August with his divorce process and I had provided support and advice at the time. But I never felt like he's using me, or his divorce is taking a central place in our relationship. It's something he has to deal with and it's emotional and difficult for him, so as his partner I am being supportive. I think that's normal. 

Edited January 6, 2022 by DatingMom

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

I'm not sure which thread you are reading. 

The thread entitled "How to Handle Waiting but not Waiting for Him" created on June 10th.

But apparently it's the guy you met after him which was your subsequent thread created on August 15th.

So nevermind DM, I'm exhausted. 

Wish you the best with whatever happens. 

 

Edited January 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, DatingMom said:

I feel a bit in a chicken and the egg scenario: a good parent prioritizes their kids' happiness, yet you cannot be a good parent if you are yourself unhappy. 

So living apart but being in a relationship you want to be in would make you “unhappy”? That doesn’t make sense DM. 
 

Inconvenient… maybe. But the question you should be asking yourself is would you compromise your children’s happiness for your own inconvenience? That’s is what it boils down too. 
 

I get the sense DM that you cannot be on your own. You seem to be consistently on the pursuit for a serious relationship, even when the guy in question has just come out of one. My sense is that you get too heavy and too involved way too quickly. 
 

One thing you haven’t mentioned; it is your duty of care to ensure that you facilitate your children’s relationship with their father, and you don’t put unnecessary obstacles in the way. Would your children’s father object? If so you need to factor this into the equation. He has a say where his children live. 
 

The good news is that children grow up…you won’t always have to put their interests first but for now you’d be wise to. 
 

If this relationship is meant to be it will last irrespective of your living situation. 

[DatingMom]

@CalmandfocusedLiving apart wouldn't make me unhappy, but only seeing each other 50% of the time is not something that I would like long term. If it were for a few years, that's fine. But in t his situation, this would be for 10-14 years. That's a long time. 

40 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I get the sense DM that you cannot be on your own. You seem to be consistently on the pursuit for a serious relationship, even when the guy in question has just come out of one. My sense is that you get too heavy and too involved way too quickly. 

I have been looking for a long term serious relationship since my separation 3 years ago. I think that's pretty normal. Most people prefer to be in relationships than not. I don't have any issues being alone, and have been alone quite a bit during my life. With my ex husband, for a period of 3 years he was working 4 hours away and got an apartment there and would come 2-3 weekends per month and then 4 months in the summer (he's a professor and was teaching in a different city/country). I couldn't follow him because he was only on contract and we didn't know how long he would be there. And me following him would have meant going through immigration/getting a Green Card which was only possible if he get a permanent position. We knew it wasn't a long term situation and he was actively looking for jobs in places where I could follow him. We managed through those years but it was far from ideal and our relationship suffered. Therefore, I do prefer to be with someone and see them regularly. I find life more pleasant when you share it with a significant other. Friends and family are great, and I have lots that I am fond of and close to, but it's not the same. I like sharing my life with someone. 

As for my kids' father, he's very chill and we get along well. He wouldn't mind if I move, but obviously kids would continue going to the same school. Therefore, if I moved to where my boyfriend's kids go to school, my kids would have a daily commute of 1.5 hours to go to and from school. I don't think that's reasonable for them. 

[Gaeta]

I think you should stay from men that need therapy twice a week and weekly support phone call to get over their divorce and custody battle. So far you only have been dating men that are broken down. Why not find yourself a man that is on top of his game/life. Did you ask yourself why you're attracted to the broken men? 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, DatingMom said:

Also, the divorce has been hard on the kids, and we agree that it would probably be better for them to first have some stability before being officially introduced to a new partner. 

But this doesn't explain why you thought it was okay that your kids know that this guy is your new partner.  What about their stability and pain from your divorce and separation from their Dad?

[glows]

Is he still legally married? If so, keep it light for a year or two. By that I mean taking it easy and enjoying the laughs, company, intimacy and companionship. He's not in the space right now for anything more than that and I wouldn't trust a person who says they are when he/she is hardly finished with their current marriage/relationship.

If you can't manage that, don't date him.

[poppyfields]

DM, you say this man is "perfect" for you, you used that word.   You explained why you think he is perfect for you in great detail.

So which would you rather have, a man who is perfect for you (and you for him) 50% of the time OR a man who is not so perfect for you who lives in your city 100% of the time?

45 minutes is not that long.  I used to commute one hour each way to and from work every day, five days a week.   I did this for three years.

I can't help feeling like you are attempting to create problems and drama where there IS none.  Which, given how you are drawn to men with so many issues and experiencing some trauma in their life, make sense.  

Do calm and peaceful relationships make you uncomfortable?   My step sister is like this.   Has a beautiful relationship with her husband but for some crazy reason is unable to relax with it and constantly creating some crisis or drama to stir things up.

It's only been six months and admittedly you don't even wish to move in together now but later down the road.

So why not simply relax and enjoy the relationship and see where it leads? 

As @ShyVioletsaid, at only 6 months, you shouldn't even be thinking about this let alone discussing it with your boyfriend or creating threads about it.

Relax and enjoy.

Good luck.

 

 

 

Edited January 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[DatingMom]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But this doesn't explain why you thought it was okay that your kids know that this guy is your new partner.  What about their stability and pain from your divorce and separation from their Dad?

I was talking about his kids not mine. Mine have accepted the separation a long time ago. Their father is remarrying in the summer, and there is no drama. I get along very well with my ex and his partner. And I don't think that the kids are suffering. 

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I can't help feeling like you are attempting to create problems and drama where there IS none.  Which, given how you are drawn to men with so many issues and experiencing some trauma in their life, make sense.  

Do calm and peaceful relationships make you uncomfortable? 

I don't think I'm particularly attracted to people with problems. I think everyone has some issues and trauma at this age, and after having gone through a divorce. I am very happy with calm and peaceful relationships, and I do believe that's what I have. There haven't been any crisis or drama so far. There was little drama with my ex husband as well, except for the last years when we clearly didn't want to be together anymore. 

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

So why not simply relax and enjoy the relationship and see where it leads? 

To be honest, we are both in a situation where we will have to make a permanent decision regarding living space within the next 6-12 months. For him, his divorce will be finalized in the upcoming month and assets divided. He is currently renting an apartment downtown. It's not a big place but he can manage to have the kids there 50% of the time and commute them to their schools for a few months, maybe till the fall, as a short term solution. But he will have to make a housing decision sometime this year. On my end, when we met I was thinking about moving. I own a duplex downtown, and my current apartment is quite spacious but only has two bedrooms. My kids have complained for the past year about sharing a room and I know that I will have to find a solution to this sooner than later. I had been house shopping in the spring and summer, but am now feeling a bit confused about how to proceed. I can definitely wait it out a little bit, but will also need to address this issue sometime in 2022. 

In an ideal world though, I agree that the best solution would be to just stay put in our current situations (if those current situations were stable and pre-established) and see in 1-2 years where we are at. But as is so often the case, things are not aligned in that perfect way. 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

I don't think I'm particularly attracted to people with problems. I think everyone has some issues and trauma at this age, and after having gone through a divorce. I am very happy with calm and peaceful relationships, and I do believe that's what I have. There haven't been any crisis or drama so far. 

Well, revisiting your two previous threads, this man and the man prior to him both had LOTS of issues and experiencing "trauma" when you were dating.

And because they were having difficulty managing their emotions, you spent much of your time together discussing their issues.  In fact, with this man, you posted you became his "healing angel."   Which is why I asked if calm and peaceful made you uncomfortable because it appears you enjoyed this "healing angel" role.  Listening to all their problems, etc.

Which is fine, but hardly what I would consider calm and peaceful.   

With respect to bolded above, exactly.  So far there has been no crisis or drama.  So why attempt to create it now by envisioning this NOT working out because of distance and you being unhappy with that distance?   Which frankly sounds a bit absurd since it's only 45 minutes anyway.  And you have only been dating six months.

Just something for you to consider, you may not even be aware that's what you're doing (attempting to create a problem where there is none), I don't know.  But I find it strange at only six months in you are concerned about this.

 

 

Edited January 6, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

I was talking about his kids not mine. Mine have accepted the separation a long time ago. 

The point is even if they have accepted your divorce, doesn't mean it's ok to introduce them to every man you'll date a few months.. 

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, DatingMom said:

To be honest, we are both in a situation where we will have to make a permanent decision regarding living space within the next 6-12 months

At 6 months dating you make your decision based on your life and your children's lives. You do not include a 6 month boyfriend into the equation. 

[DatingMom]

@Gaeta I'm not sure why you are saying that I introduce my kids to every man that I date a few months. I haven't done this at all. In 3 years he is the second person I introduced to the kids, and the first one they only met a few times, he wasn't involved at all with them, and that was in the context of someone I dated for over a year.

As for making decisions at 6 months, I think there is a fundamental difference between making decisions and thinking about the future. I am thinking about the future which I think is a normal and mature thing to do at my age and given my circumstances. 

Also, I have no desire to be randomly dating men for the rest of my life. I want a life partner, which again I think is a reasonable thing to want.  

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, DatingMom said:

I was talking about his kids not mine. Mine have accepted the separation a long time ago. Their father is remarrying in the summer, and there is no drama. I get along very well with my ex and his partner. And I don't think that the kids are suffering. 

I don't think I'm particularly attracted to people with problems. I think everyone has some issues and trauma at this age, and after having gone through a divorce. I am very happy with calm and peaceful relationships, and I do believe that's what I have. There haven't been any crisis or drama so far. There was little drama with my ex husband as well, except for the last years when we clearly didn't want to be together anymore. 

To be honest, we are both in a situation where we will have to make a permanent decision regarding living space within the next 6-12 months. For him, his divorce will be finalized in the upcoming month and assets divided. He is currently renting an apartment downtown. It's not a big place but he can manage to have the kids there 50% of the time and commute them to their schools for a few months, maybe till the fall, as a short term solution. But he will have to make a housing decision sometime this year. On my end, when we met I was thinking about moving. I own a duplex downtown, and my current apartment is quite spacious but only has two bedrooms. My kids have complained for the past year about sharing a room and I know that I will have to find a solution to this sooner than later. I had been house shopping in the spring and summer, but am now feeling a bit confused about how to proceed. I can definitely wait it out a little bit, but will also need to address this issue sometime in 2022. 

In an ideal world though, I agree that the best solution would be to just stay put in our current situations (if those current situations were stable and pre-established) and see in 1-2 years where we are at. But as is so often the case, things are not aligned in that perfect way. 

So here’s a solution. 
 

Rather than rushing into a very unwise and rash decision, why don’t you sort you and your kids living situation out in 2022, doing what’s best for you and your family, and he do the same? 
 

Then you can enjoy your relationship and see how it unfolds and develops over time. No pressure.  
 

If you both make the decision to cohabit in the future you will then do so on the basis of a relationship that has a solid foundation and has stood the test of time. 
 

Please stop rushing and making rash decisions based on convenience factors.  This includes reasons such as cohabiting to “save on the bills” …. Don’t do it for that reason. Ever! 

[Gaeta]

I have nothing against you looking for a long term partner, my point is, usually we don't make important decision like selling a house, to accomodate a boyfriend of 6 months. You sell it to purchase a bigger place for yourself and your children. The 6 month boyfriend should not weigh in the balance because that man can disappear tomorrow morning. When you and him are ready to move in together THEN you do what you need to do in terms of relocating. 

When I read stories like yours I always wonder why people got into this situation in the first place. When you met him you were informed of his situation, how many children he had, the custody battle,  their location, the distance, why get into dating this man at all ? I don't get it. 

[DatingMom]

@GaetaYou raise a fair point. I totally agree with you. In my defense, I didn't realize that this would be the situation. I always knew that I didn't want to be in a complicated situation like that. I went on a few dates with a guy last winter who lives 4 hours away. He didn't have kids and was totally ready to have a long-distance relationship. But I decided that I didn't want that. When I met this guy, he was living downtown pretty close to me (he still is) and told me that he wished to stay downtown. When he saw my upstairs apartment (my tenants had an issue with their fridge and he fixed it), he brought up how ideal the house would be for a family of 8 converted back into a single family home. I later realized that he hadn't really thought that through. At the moment he has his kids mostly on the weekends, and not that many days (hence the custody battle). Living 45 minutes away from the kids' school is ok if it's the weekend, but once he'll have them regularly on school days, the commute will be hard on the kids. I brought this up with him, and he agrees with me. Anyway, all that to say that the reality of the situation only became clear recently. 

As for him disappearing tomorrow, I greatly doubt that will happen. I don't think he wants to disappear from my life! That being said, obviously after 6 months I am not moving in with him! Not right now. That being said, I do need to contemplate my future. I could sell my house and purchase another one. I will probably need to make a decision about that before 2023. Selling and buying houses is a lot of cost though between realtor fees, welcome tax (we pay welcome tax here which is equivalent to one year of house tax) and moving costs. You don't just buy and sell a house to move again two years later.  

Anyway, I'm realizing that there isn't really any clear answers/solutions here. I was hoping I guess for someone to share some inspiring story. For example, when my ex husband and I first separated we were debating for a while about how to solve our now separated living situation. We contemplated all sorts of scenarios, looked at houses and rentals etc. Finally, a friend of mine told me this story of a cousin who lives in Vancouver that had separated a few years before. Since neither could afford to move out and stay in the same neighborhood, they purchased a duplex together and each took an apartment. Since my ex and I had a very large townhouse, we got inspired by that story and duplexed our house. We lived in the same house in separate apartments for two years. Kids loved it. It was a great transition... for everyone actually. Finally my ex moved out to move in with his girlfriend.  

[Dis]

I really don't see anything wrong with thinking about the distance aspect of things. I think it's a matter of compatibility and those things should always be taken into consideration. You can think about it all you want, you just don't act on it until you cross that bridge. I personally wouldn't be happy not living with my person, I like closeness too much for to have that kind of distance and space.

 

But if I'm remembering your other thread correctly, things were not good between the two of you in terms of his issues. Make sure you're not getting into a mess, because from the sound of your previous thread, sounds like you might be.  

[Weezy1973]

People certainly can have successful relationships without living together; whether or not you’d consider that successful is another question. Wouldn’t work for me. Would it work for you?

[DatingMom]

@DisI have no issues with his current struggles. I'll admit that when we first met I was a bit worried that his problems would become central to our relationship. It was definitely a red flag because I've had this happen before with other men I dated. This one guy I saw briefly last fall was clearly not over his ex wife, and after a few dates I felt like I was in a love triangle. Not my cup of tea! But this guy is more self aware, and I think he realizes that if he wants to keep me in his life, he needs to deal with things on his own and work on a new relationship with me. 

@Weezy1973 I'd be ok with living separately for a few years. Like if there were a plan. But not long term. Definitely not. Hence my hesitation.