Can your have a successful relationship without ever moving in together?

January 2, 2022

I've been dating this man since 6 months. Things are going really well, we are extremely compatible and only had one small fight so far. He's met all my friends and family and everyone loves him. My two kids are very fond of him as well. I have also met most of his family and friends, and get along great with them as well. I have met his children but they don't know yet who I am. He is going through a custody battle with his ex (this has been going on for 2 years) and has a Court date next week. His lawyer is confident that he will get the 50-50 custody that he is hoping for (right now they have 30-70.. long story).

We have been talking about the future quite a bit. He's made it clear that he is committed to me and that he wants this to be for the long haul, and I feel the same. So far so good. The problem here is that his ex lives 45 minutes away outside of the city (she's a country family doctor and has no intention of moving to the city), and that's where his kids go to school. His kids range from ages 13 to 4, so he's not out of the woods anytime soon. He's entertained the idea of us moving in together in the city, and he would commute forth and back 45 minutes to drop off kids at school on his days. Personally, I don't find that realistic and doubt it will happen. It's a long commute several times per week for kids. Furthermore, they will miss out on playing with their school friends after school and on weekends. In that sense, we both know that the best solution for his kids is for him to get a house in the town of their school, which means that we would only see each other 50% of the time.

I know it's early in the relationship, perhaps too early to worry about things like that? However, I can't help wonder if a relationship where you live in different towns and only see each other 50% of the time, and that over a 10+ year is sustainable? I'm not saying that I want to move in together right now! If that were to happen, I would definitely see it as a process that needs to be carefully planned out with kids involved that would suddenly become step-siblings and share a roof. In that sense, I am not in a rush. However, it's not the same being with someone knowing things will develop into a shared life but you wish to do things right and not rush into it, than being with someone knowing that things will not evolve for the next 10-15 years.

Thank you in advance for your comments.

January 2, 2022

When the time comes, can you live somewhere in the middle, so his commute with the kids would be ~20 minutes and yours to wherever you work also ~20 min?

January 2, 2022

@introverted1

I have considered this. Reasons this would not work well:

Anything 20 minutes each way would be essentially in the middle of nowhere out in the country. We would have to get a farm house somewhere. This would be a huge adjustment for everyone (adults and kids) as we would all loose our communities and closeness to friends. On my end, I live downtown in a neighbourhood where both me and the kids have lots of close friends, and a wonderful and supportive community. Also, my mother lives 5 minutes away and serves as my kids' aftercare on school days. Furthermore, kids can walk to school and I can walk to work. Moving to the country to a farm would be quite an adjustment.

On his end, that would be less of an adjustment as he hadn't been living in the town where his ex is for very long before they separated. They were previously living downtown and only moved there two years before the separation when she got a job at the country hospital there. Furthermore, his ex being extra cautious with covid, the kids, since the separation, have had very minimal interactions outside of school time with other kids. That being said, his wish is to help kids improve their social life once he has kids 50%, and that would best be done by living in the same time as their school and friends.

January 2, 2022

Are they legally married? Try to slow down a bit. This is way too much way too soon for 24 weeks dating. Stay out of his custody issues and rants about his wife.

Step back a bit and don't allow him to make your budding relationship about their relationship, which is what's happening at this time.

If he starts complaining about court battles, his wife their issues the custody etc., change the subject . They can pay their lawyers and therapist to listen to this.

6 mos. is to observe and using his kids as pawns in his nasty divorce is a red flag to keep an eye on.

Edited January 2, 2022 by Wiseman2

January 2, 2022

You should not even be worrying about all this when you've been dating 6 months.

January 2, 2022

In everyone's best interest don't cohabitate with a romantic partner out of convenience. Do it for the right reasons. I would be honest with him and say that you need another year or so to see where you are at before revisit the idea of living together. You can't properly know someone at 6 months.

January 2, 2022

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You should not even be worrying about all this when you've been dating 6 months.

Exactly what I was going to say.

You have a tendency to rush into things DatingMom. I would advise you to slow down… particularly because the guy isn’t even divorced yet and there are several children involved .

January 2, 2022

There is an approach known as "Living Apart Together". So there are indeed people who are together but in separate homes long term + you could try researching this a bit on the internet.

HOWEVER, I firmly believe this is not for everyone. There are those who would feel insecure in the relationship or otherwise find it problematic.

So if your gut sense tells you that you wouldn't be happy in a LAT type of arrangement, you're probably right that it's not for you.

Edited January 2, 2022 by mark clemson

January 2, 2022

I agree with everyone about 6 months being far too soon to be talking about living together, especially with children involved (and since he's still legally married).

If you are well suited to each other and committed to making things work, you will together work out all the details over time. So yes, it's possible. But 6 months in is too soon to judge the likelihood of it being successful.

I'm very happy in my 2+ year relationship, and my guy seems to be as well, living separately and usually only being together 3-5 times per week. But that's us, we're probably in the minority as far as that goes.

January 2, 2022

Why have your kids met him and know who he is to you but his kids do not know that you are his girlfriend?

January 2, 2022

Anything that is going to be anything is pretty obvious from the start so it's only natural thinking about all this stuff and look at it this way. lt's stupid wasting yrs first and then thinking about it.

Just on the 45 apart, of course you can couples have all kinds of situations, all depends on their lives and how they like things, my brother and his gf have lived 3hrs apart over 20yrs. They come and go whenever they feel like it works for them, wouldn't for others.My partner and l are 12hrs apart part time nearly 4yrs. There's sacrifices but if you love ea other anythings doable,better of in something real even part time than some other bs that's not but it's all nice and convenient. Of course all the kids in your sitch complicate things a lot but he could easily do 45 a few times a wk to you or them or whatever. l did that for yrs with my daughter. Not ideal but doable she saw friends other nights and wkends or often they'd all come back with us over to mine on wkends to later on. We'd often do 3 or 4 hr round trips picking up friends along the way, it was fun. Just saying anythings doable if you really wanna be together. Wk nights were often 5 or 6hr for me by the time l got home for yrs l'd pick her up at school we'd go somewhere closer to her mums hang out, beach and stuff. As far as his meeting you and yours, it's only 6mths he hasn't been divorced long plenty of time for that and time is better for them right now,

Just sayin really, but it all comes down to what the relationship is to you. But at the same time if you wanna be together properly in the future most do that's another matter. We've had plans right through and my d's 19 now and hers are right now to so we're moving somewhere this yr.

Edited January 2, 2022 by chillii

January 2, 2022

I am glad things are going well!

I guess it’s all about perspective. I live in a city where it takes 2 hours to practically get anywhere. (With all the traffic). 45 minutes would be doable for me. Is him moving downtown off the table?

I would just keep dating and see how things progress. I have been with my bf a year now, and he still has not met my kids. (My choice and he has none of his own.) And we have no plans to move in together. Every relationship moves at a different pace, so just take time to figure out what works best for you guys.

Take care!!

January 3, 2022

Actually l meant to to add that into my rant too but yeah, it's only 6mths you can work around things for now see how it develops, no pressure , ideas will flow in their time.

Edited January 3, 2022 by chillii

January 3, 2022

Is this the same guy that was a mess and going through the nasty divorce/custody battle? The guy you broke things off with before because it was too much to take on?

January 3, 2022

Yikes

January 3, 2022

3 hours ago, Dis said:

Is this the same guy that was a mess and going through the nasty divorce/custody battle? The guy you broke things off with before because it was too much to take on?

Thanks Dis. I too remember this story well.

Op, you need to stop fast forwarding this relationship. Neither of you are in a position to even be contemplating moving in as a possibility. Why are you in such a rush? You’ve no idea whether this relationship will last any duration and based on your previous threads, I’m not optimistic.

The last thing you should be doing is taking risks and uprooting your lives for a relationship that still has not got a solid foundation. Especially when both of you have children.

Do what’s best for both of your children is my advice. They’ve been through enough. If their best interests means living separately for the duration of your relationship, then so be it.

January 3, 2022

18 hours ago, DatingMom said:

1) I've been dating this man since 6 months.

2) He's entertained the idea of us moving in together in the city, and he would commute forth and back 45 minutes to drop off kids at school on his days. Personally, I don't find that realistic

3) I know it's early in the relationship, perhaps too early to worry about things like that?

Thank you in advance for your comments.

1) It's still early... but....

2) It's not realistic. As you said... the kids will miss out, and he will get tired of taking the kids, and picking them up. If nothing else... it will get expensive. But the kids will get tired of getting up early. I know my oldest, when with her mom... if she takes the bus... she would have to be on it for 45 min or so. So she will drop her at school. (HS) but then our youngest has to get out of bed early and has to get ready, so she can be dropped at my house. So she gets upset because of that.

3) Going back to #1... yes it is early in the relationship... but as an adult, you have to think about the possible future. Since you both have kids, and he is a Dr., the reality of him not being able to move is... well... real. So, you have to consider being able to move closer to him. And even if you like each other... if neither can move closer... then it may be time to part ways.

With that said... yes, you can have a good relationship and not move in together... but it will be more or less like dating forever. it will never be a "Life together."

January 3, 2022

I don't see the big problem with the 45 minute commute, because I didn't go to school close to where I lived. We lived in the suburbs and went to school in the city, cause that was more convenient to my parents, as they worked in the city.

At one point, we lived a 30 minute drive away from school, and that was without traffic! Public transport took even longer.

Sure, it's a bit annoying, but they kids would definitely survive that.

But 6 months is a bit too soon to be thinking about that! And there are other compromises that can be made. You don't need to decide right now, when he hasn't even got the 50 50 custody, what you're going to do!

January 3, 2022

If you have a good relationship. This is something that should be considered before it gets real serious…ehere woukd you two live together.

this isn’t about actually moving in together but the base logistics of it.

if you lived together can he move in with you? You with him? Third option of somewhere in the middle?

I don’t recall how old your kids are and them being done with school since you don’t want to move them out during high school. He has near 15 years of kids in school. If he has 50/50 custody he needs to live near the kids otherwise it becomes a logistical nightmare of you has to bring the kids to where. If he has to do there and back frequently that will be a burn out.

living in metro areas, I have factored in these things early on in meeting someone and saying do I want to do something that will only be a weekend relationship because of distance/ drive time apart. An examp,e is the two of you living on opposite dudes of downtown. If you happened to meet through work or because you work in the same area this woukd be easier because you do lunch/ dinner together. But if you both work near where you live, getting to each other after work can be 90 min round trip or more.

January 3, 2022

Yeah,there's a lot to consider most of all his kids. Praying they aren't being dragged through rubbish to right now with his custody case is it an ugly divorce or, bc they'll need peace assurance and stability more than ever if it is. ln my case we worked together from day one to accommodate and minimize things for everyone but especially my d. l also stayed only 15mins away for the first 4yrs to be there as normally as possible which he'll need to do especially for the young one. later when l finally moved things were settled she was older and we were able to make fun out of our drives and tripping about.

lt sounds like he'll need to be close a good 3 or 4yrs first of all with the young one and keep things as stable normal and happy as possible buttt it depends on lots of things you'll both have to figure out and way up l suppose. Keep us posted.

January 4, 2022

I see no problems with being a committed couple and not living together. Committed couples figure it out whether it's spending the weekend at each other's home or weekdays, etc.

45 minute drive is nothing for most people.

If you don't want your life to change at all, if walking to your work is not something you're ready to compromise on than he's not the man for you.

I'm still under the impression this man puts a lot of pressure on you to escalate this relationship. At 6 months dating I don't ask myself that type of question, I'm still analyzing if he's a good fit for me.

January 4, 2022

To answer you original question... Yes you can sustain a successful healthy relationship without living together. My girlfriend and I dated for almost 10 years before we moved in together.

Neither of us wanted to move in together, but the rents (in this area) have skyrocketed and she was priced out of her rental. Trust me, we looked and looked and looked and could find nothing. Her choices were to live in her car or move into my home and I didn't want her homeless.

Again, she would have preferred her own place (which I preferred, as well) but there was nothing available.

Edited to add - Yes, the drive between her old apartment to my house was about 40-45 minutes. So it wasn't all that close and required some highway driving to get there.

Edited January 4, 2022 by Happy Lemming
additonal information

January 6, 2022

Relationships are about sacrifice. It’s not about what’s convenient and easy for everybody. Somebody is going to be giving up some thing somehow. The question is whether you are willing to sacrifice or not

January 6, 2022

Hello everyone. Thank you for your comments.

A few answers.

For those who asked, this is the guy I met in June. It's true that his life is a bit of a mess with the custody battle, but we hit it off right away, and after 3 years of dating A LOT, he's the first person I never had any doubts about. We're perfect for each other. He's handling a difficult situation with the ex, but he is handling it, and handling it well I think. He's seeing a therapist twice a month to help him deal with some of the anxiety of the situation, and also has a weekly call with a few family members for moral support and help him brainstorm legal strategies. He hasn't pulled me into his mess. He's dealing with it on his own.

Reasons his kids don't know who I am: we discussed this and it was my suggestion to not rock the boat with the ex given the imminent Court date. Also, the divorce has been hard on the kids, and we agree that it would probably be better for them to first have some stability before being officially introduced to a new partner.

As for moving in, I never said that I wanted to move in right away, nor that he did. But as things have become more serious, we discussed where this relationship was going and what we each wanted in the future. We are on the same page that we both long term would like to live together while also being realistic that with young children involved (his are between 12 and 4 and mine are 7 and 9) the process of making that happen could be complicated. For me it's clear that if we were to move in together, that would require a transition phase where there would be sleep overs with all the kids several months (maybe even a year) before everyone moves in together to get them to get used to each other. And I am certainly not ready to fully move in together yet (with the kids I mean, because otherwise it's kind of like we already live together).

The reason I'm giving this some serious thought at 6 months is because I am worried about making difficult compromises (not compromises for me, but compromises for my children) that will create unhappiness. Solutions can always be found, but is the price to pay too high? Is it fair to compromise my children's (or his children's depending on who make the compromise) happiness and well-being for this relationship? I feel a bit in a chicken and the egg scenario: a good parent prioritizes their kids' happiness, yet you cannot be a good parent if you are yourself unhappy.

January 6, 2022

Also, to those who suggested living apart together, I know people who are doing that. The people I know in these situations live close by to each other, and can easily meet up for activities and meals when they each have their kids. If that were the option, I would consider it. In fact, I had initially the idea of him moving into my rental unit in my house for a year or two. I have a duplex and the rental is a very large unit upstairs from my apartment. I would definitely agree with this type of solution. But I don't see myself living such a distance away, especially in the context that we have combined 6 children, and that neither of us would have a place that would enable sleepovers. So we would essentially not really see each other half the time. I might feel differently once there, but right now I don't feel like I would be happy in this scenario.

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