He called me boring and antisocial

[Wildflowerxx]

I’ve been visiting an old boyfriend out of town over the holidays. Since I work remotely, I came to stay with him for a month. At the point of coming here, I hadn’t seen him in a couple of years but we spoke every day through the pandemic and eventually decided to meet up and see what could happen. 

We don’t have the same interests in some things and to me, that wouldn’t be an issue if he was more understanding that not everyone is the same as him. He always wants to hang out with his friends or to do things that aren’t my thing. If I mention it, he gets angry.

In the month I’ve been here, we took a long weekend trip… and one of his male friends joined as a third wheel. I’d rather have gone just the two of us. Two other friends of ours came to stay over Christmas and it was fun. But we are constantly around people and whenever we plan a day out or a trip, he always invites his friends along. I am more of an introvert than him. I’m confident and friendly, I just don’t want to spend all my time with someone else’s friends. 

For New Year’s Eve he wanted to party or go to a club but I don’t drink alcohol or like partying and I didn’t want to spend a lot of money. He gave me a hard time about this and kept pressuring me into it. I said I didn’t mind if he went out with his friends or we did something more low key but we argued about it repeatedly and by argued I mean, him telling me that I was wrong for not wanting to party. We’re in our early thirties and it’s not my thing any more. I’ve been repeatedly called boring, antisocial, told I live like an 80 year old woman 

Eventually I agreed to go but was essentially bullied into it. I wasn’t thrilled because when it came to New Years Eve, I got ready to go and he fell asleep and then didn’t want to go himself. 

Tonight he decided he wanted a BBQ. I don’t eat meat so I said I’d rather not. Regardless he ignored me and called his friends to invite them over. I’m trying not to argue so I agreed to be there. Then he said his friends wanted to drink a lot so they’d be staying on the sofa. Honestly I’d just had enough at this point, feeling like I live in a Frat house. I said I found it really exhausting being around people all the time. 

Whether comment is rude or not, he went OFF banging things and yelling in my face and calling me antisocial. I got upset, at which point his friends arrived and then he wondered why I didn’t want to spend the evening having a BBQ with his friends after he’d screamed at me and upset me. 

My friends and I prefer to do quieter things. Go for coffee, have brunch, go for a walk. I rarely go out at night and don’t need to be screamed at because of it. I feel a little upset because I do feel like I love him and enjoy spending time together, he’s usually very thoughtful and takes me on really nice dates, we have great conversations, etc. But I think this behaviour is a deal breaker. I think we’ve had 5 arguments in a week about the fact I’m “boring and live like a grandma” I had an abusive relationship in the past and I really don’t like to be screamed at 

 

 

[astutise]

25 minutes ago, Wildflowerxx said:

I’ve been visiting an old boyfriend out of town over the holidays. Since I work remotely, I came to stay with him for a month. At the point of coming here, I hadn’t seen him in a couple of years but we spoke every day through the pandemic and eventually decided to meet up and see what could happen. 

We don’t have the same interests in some things and to me, that wouldn’t be an issue if he was more understanding that not everyone is the same as him. He always wants to hang out with his friends or to do things that aren’t my thing. If I mention it, he gets angry.

In the month I’ve been here, we took a long weekend trip… and one of his male friends joined as a third wheel. I’d rather have gone just the two of us. Two other friends of ours came to stay over Christmas and it was fun. But we are constantly around people and whenever we plan a day out or a trip, he always invites his friends along. I am more of an introvert than him. I’m confident and friendly, I just don’t want to spend all my time with someone else’s friends. 

For New Year’s Eve he wanted to party or go to a club but I don’t drink alcohol or like partying and I didn’t want to spend a lot of money. He gave me a hard time about this and kept pressuring me into it. I said I didn’t mind if he went out with his friends or we did something more low key but we argued about it repeatedly and by argued I mean, him telling me that I was wrong for not wanting to party. We’re in our early thirties and it’s not my thing any more. I’ve been repeatedly called boring, antisocial, told I live like an 80 year old woman 

Eventually I agreed to go but was essentially bullied into it. I wasn’t thrilled because when it came to New Years Eve, I got ready to go and he fell asleep and then didn’t want to go himself. 

Tonight he decided he wanted a BBQ. I don’t eat meat so I said I’d rather not. Regardless he ignored me and called his friends to invite them over. I’m trying not to argue so I agreed to be there. Then he said his friends wanted to drink a lot so they’d be staying on the sofa. Honestly I’d just had enough at this point, feeling like I live in a Frat house. I said I found it really exhausting being around people all the time. 

Whether comment is rude or not, he went OFF banging things and yelling in my face and calling me antisocial. I got upset, at which point his friends arrived and then he wondered why I didn’t want to spend the evening having a BBQ with his friends after he’d screamed at me and upset me. 

My friends and I prefer to do quieter things. Go for coffee, have brunch, go for a walk. I rarely go out at night and don’t need to be screamed at because of it. I feel a little upset because I do feel like I love him and enjoy spending time together, he’s usually very thoughtful and takes me on really nice dates, we have great conversations, etc. But I think this behaviour is a deal breaker. I think we’ve had 5 arguments in a week about the fact I’m “boring and live like a grandma” I had an abusive relationship in the past and I really don’t like to be screamed at 

 

 

He sounds like a toddler. That translates to 'entitled and unhinged' in adulthood.  Anyone who screams and bangs things when they don't get their way is not a suitable choice of patner.

[Weezy1973]

Him being an extrovert and you an introvert doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. But his over the top reaction to it definitely should be.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Wildflowerxx said:

I’ve been visiting an old boyfriend out of town over the holidays. I came to stay with him for a month. 

Was this an exbf? What was the breakup about?

He's abusive.  Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Be grateful you dodged this bullet a second time.

[ASG]

So many things wrong here... 

Why are you visiting him for A MONTH, after not seeing each other for years?! 

Basically you're cramping his style and now he's had enough. 

It's not so much that you're not allowed to be introverted, but he isn't. And he is feeling trapped with you not wanting to participate. 

Him shouting in your face is not ok, though. 

Go home (why haven't you left already, for crying out loud?!). Forget this guy. 

You are not compatible, and that's not gonna change

[Pumpernickel]

10 minutes ago, ASG said:

And he is feeling trapped

@Wildflowerxx, that's what I am tinking as well. A month is too long, especially if you're just visiting as friends, and he probably feels like you've overstayed your welcome.

I am not indicating the 1 month was not agreed between the two of you beforehand, but it doesn't mean it's a guarantee that he's comfortable with you in the house during that extended period of time, especially if you guys are so different. You should leave like yesterday.

[Blind-Sided]

3 hours ago, Wildflowerxx said:

1) I’ve been visiting an old boyfriend out of town over the holidays.

2) I came to stay with him for a month. 

3) I think we’ve had 5 arguments in a week about the fact I’m “boring and live like a grandma” I had an abusive relationship in the past and I really don’t like to be screamed at 

Ok... First,  "Old BF".  Right?  You broke up for a reason.  Next....  Why would you stay with an old BF for a MONTH???????   I don't care the situation, that's not a visit.  You are now living with him, and starting a relationship. (of some kind)  And finally... I assume you are an adult. Right?  So leave.

I don't want to sound harsh or blunt... but in this situation, I have to be.   You know you aren't compatible from before you showed up.  Why put yourself back into that situation? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

"Old BF".  Right?  You broke up for a reason.  Next....  Why would you stay with an old BF for a MONTH??????? 

I echo these thoughts. 

It's time to go home, OP. You two are clearly not compatible and it's not working this second time around. Wish him well and pack up. Understand that whatever relationship you had in the past does not translate well as adults, either. 

It's not a match so it's best not to beat this dead horse any further. 

[smackie9]

 

You are in your 30s, you should have enough life experience to know that you date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated, and that they are a good fit, mentally, physically and socially. You two are so far apart compatibility/personality wise that you make each other miserable. That's unhealthy. End it and move on. Make this the year the year you stop dating men that are not right for you.

Edited January 2, 2022 by smackie9

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Wildflowerxx said:

I had an abusive relationship in the past and I really don’t like to be screamed at 

Talk about trying for force a square peg into a round hole.

He is clearly wrong to yell at you. The more important question - why do you continue to stay in his home when you are clearly not compatible. It’s time for you to leave Wildflower. Time to go home. 

Edited January 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

5 hours ago, Wildflowerxx said:

I do feel like I love him and enjoy spending time together, he’s usually very thoughtful and takes me on really nice dates, we have great conversations, etc. 

Try not to confuse loneliness with love. It seems you wanted company over the holidays but it backfired. One month is quite a long time to camp out at someone else’s place. 

I get the feeling you wish this was a relationship and perhaps wanted to rekindle something more mature and meaningful. You’re not on the same page and consider the fact that he’s inviting a lot of people over and calling you antisocial because he is passively aggressively showing you you’re unwelcome or overstaying your welcome. Any notions about a relationship are also off the table. 

Let go of this person. You gave it a second try but yelling at you, criticizing you and the fact that you are vastly incompatible are all dealbreakers.  

 

[kendahke]

Quote

I’ve been visiting an old boyfriend out of town over the holidays. Since I work remotely, I came to stay with him for a month. At the point of coming here, I hadn’t seen him in a couple of years but we spoke every day through the pandemic and eventually decided to meet up and see what could happen.

This should have only been a 1 week visit at the most with you staying at a hotel.

7 hours ago, Wildflowerxx said:

We don’t have the same interests in some things and to me, that wouldn’t be an issue if he was more understanding that not everyone is the same as him. He always wants to hang out with his friends or to do things that aren’t my thing. If I mention it, he gets angry.

Quote

For New Year’s Eve he wanted to party or go to a club but I don’t drink alcohol or like partying

we argued about it repeatedly and by argued I mean, him telling me that I was wrong for not wanting to party.

   There is a reason why he's an ex... and this is it.  Somethings are better left in the past where they belong.

The person you are the the person he is are not the same as the the ones each of you idealized in your heads about long distance/over the phone. I'm sure he'd been dropping clues as to how much of a partier he still is, but you either ignored that or rationalized it away thinking you being there would make him be more like you. He doesn't sound like he wants to be like you.

Move forward with your life and let him move forward with his.  It didn't work the first time and it's not going to work out now or in the future.

You can do better.

Edited January 2, 2022 by kendahke

[Fox Sake]

7 hours ago, Wildflowerxx said:

I’ve been visiting an old boyfriend out of town over the holidays. Since I work remotely, I came to stay with him for a month. At the point of coming here, I hadn’t seen him in a couple of years but we spoke every day through the pandemic and eventually decided to meet up and see what could happen. 

We don’t have the same interests in some things and to me, that wouldn’t be an issue if he was more understanding that not everyone is the same as him. He always wants to hang out with his friends or to do things that aren’t my thing. If I mention it, he gets angry.

In the month I’ve been here, we took a long weekend trip… and one of his male friends joined as a third wheel. I’d rather have gone just the two of us. Two other friends of ours came to stay over Christmas and it was fun. But we are constantly around people and whenever we plan a day out or a trip, he always invites his friends along. I am more of an introvert than him. I’m confident and friendly, I just don’t want to spend all my time with someone else’s friends. 

For New Year’s Eve he wanted to party or go to a club but I don’t drink alcohol or like partying and I didn’t want to spend a lot of money. He gave me a hard time about this and kept pressuring me into it. I said I didn’t mind if he went out with his friends or we did something more low key but we argued about it repeatedly and by argued I mean, him telling me that I was wrong for not wanting to party. We’re in our early thirties and it’s not my thing any more. I’ve been repeatedly called boring, antisocial, told I live like an 80 year old woman 

Eventually I agreed to go but was essentially bullied into it. I wasn’t thrilled because when it came to New Years Eve, I got ready to go and he fell asleep and then didn’t want to go himself. 

Tonight he decided he wanted a BBQ. I don’t eat meat so I said I’d rather not. Regardless he ignored me and called his friends to invite them over. I’m trying not to argue so I agreed to be there. Then he said his friends wanted to drink a lot so they’d be staying on the sofa. Honestly I’d just had enough at this point, feeling like I live in a Frat house. I said I found it really exhausting being around people all the time. 

Whether comment is rude or not, he went OFF banging things and yelling in my face and calling me antisocial. I got upset, at which point his friends arrived and then he wondered why I didn’t want to spend the evening having a BBQ with his friends after he’d screamed at me and upset me. 

My friends and I prefer to do quieter things. Go for coffee, have brunch, go for a walk. I rarely go out at night and don’t need to be screamed at because of it. I feel a little upset because I do feel like I love him and enjoy spending time together, he’s usually very thoughtful and takes me on really nice dates, we have great conversations, etc. But I think this behaviour is a deal breaker. I think we’ve had 5 arguments in a week about the fact I’m “boring and live like a grandma” I had an abusive relationship in the past and I really don’t like to be screamed at 

 

 

It didn’t take me long before It looked very much like this guy doesn’t want to give you a chance to be romantic around him and uses his friends as an excuse to pad out some space from romantic chats and it being a date. In fact it’s sounds like he’s trying to treat you like sh*t on purpose.

I think he wants you to be the one to say it’s not working, for some weird kick, payback or just cowardice. 

Or

He’s beating you down and trying to make you roll over.
 

Either way whatever it is, he doesn’t respect you and I think you’re way way more invested than he is. Respect yourself. You deserve far better. You’re a prize and he’s a dic* head ex, remember that. He doesn’t deserve the kind of love you have to give. It’s that simple. 

[NuevoYorko]

It sounds like you are vastly incompatible.  On top of that, evidently he's a big turd.  

[ShyViolet]

The minute a guy screams at you, is the minute you find your self-respect and LEAVE.

I'm genuinely confused about why on earth you are staying at this guy's house for a month, when he treats you like crap, is mean, and it sounds like you don't have much in common.  Why did you go stay at his house for a month when you hadn't seen each other in two years?  What does "an old bf" mean?  Is he your ex?

Again, where is your self-respect?  Don't stick around when a guy treats you like this.  Go home.

[Versacehottie]

It sucks that he yelled at you, called you names etc.  I think you also have to look at your own behavior and expectations though to be real--it doesn't make what he did right--the only point is that you can only change, advocate or create stuff for yourself (not another person). To be fair, there are a ton of No's on your list (things you won't do or do reluctantly with protest)...that can mean that you are a different person than when you first dated and certainly now you aren't compatible. It's pretty inflexible though as an outsider looking in so I would suggest finding someone who likes and lives life almost exactly as you do or getting more flexible.  Idk, I felt a pessimistic vibe  (and slightly entitled if i were completely honest) from you on the situations you described...good example is the BBQ. Fine you don't eat meat but why be a downer about everything that is going to come up in the future and in his attempts to socialize and enjoy life.  So you can see from his perspective where the comments he made might come from.  Not blaming you--but one person can't be entirely wrong and the other person entirely right.  I'd guess you are fighting about something different really than the BBQ which you kind of explained in essence here, the underlying feeling for all of it.  Which as lots of people said, just means that you aren't compatible at this time.

I do think that one month was a huge amount of time to kind of be in his personal space and big pressure cooker to put yourselves under without having smaller bits of time to test out if your connection still existed and compatibility. Lots of people will jump on the name calling and explosive nature of what he did because that sort of behavior is easier to identify and deem "bad".. On the other hand if you were simmering with resentment and hostility, it's more chronic and equally destructive too--less easy to pinpoint when others are being told the story from your perspective (only).  Just giving you stuff in your own behavior that you might look at in the future. With this guy it's done. 100% Good luck 

[AngryGromit]

9 hours ago, Wildflowerxx said:

We’re in our early thirties and it’s not my thing any more. I’ve been repeatedly called boring, antisocial, told I live like an 80 year old woman 

Honestly I’d just had enough at this point, feeling like I live in a Frat house. I said I found it really exhausting being around people all the time. 

Whether comment is rude or not, he went OFF banging things and yelling in my face and calling me antisocial.

So your being mentally abused and your not even in a relationship together yet, just a 1 month trial.  Yea things will only get worse for here. Also him being a carnivore and you a vegetarian / vegan is another area of conflict. He's gonna want to go to "Bob's BBQ World" or "Tom's Steak house" without any consideration will there be something on the menu for you to eat. I'm in a relationship now where we are both Vegan's and often we struggle to locate restaurants when travelling that have healthly menu choices, if we don't plan out our restaurant trips, we get stuck eating a salad and a few sides usually.   

Edited January 2, 2022 by AngryGromit

[Wildflowerxx]

Thanks for your comments. Because I’d travelled a long way and it was the Christmas period, it wasn’t easy to change flights and now I’m leaving in a few days but the wait to leave was becoming awful and I decided to stay at a hotel.

I was just asking to gauge if I was overreacting with finding his comments so upsetting. Perhaps I should have better self esteem about it but some of the comments here are so aggressive.

It wasn’t that he wanted me to leave and he was tired of me being around actually. He wanted me to stay longer and wanted me to move out here. When I told him I was leaving early, because my original departure was going to be the 15th January, he was pretty upset and couldn’t understand why. I just felt it wasn’t right because we were different, but when I raise my thoughts on why, he became angry. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

It sounds like you are vastly incompatible.  On top of that, evidently he's a big turd.  

This is it right here.  Doesn't sound like you two have any type of compatiblity.  He invites his friends along because he finds you boring when it's just the two of you.  I'm sorry but that's the truth and he's an ass for the way he treats you.  You cannot turn back the hands of time.  You guys are not a good fit and it's only a matter of time before one of you finds someone else more compatible.

[Wildflowerxx]

41 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

It sucks that he yelled at you, called you names etc.  I think you also have to look at your own behavior and expectations though to be real--it doesn't make what he did right--the only point is that you can only change, advocate or create stuff for yourself (not another person). To be fair, there are a ton of No's on your list (things you won't do or do reluctantly with protest)...that can mean that you are a different person than when you first dated and certainly now you aren't compatible. It's pretty inflexible though as an outsider looking in so I would suggest finding someone who likes and lives life almost exactly as you do or getting more flexible.  Idk, I felt a pessimistic vibe  (and slightly entitled if i were completely honest) from you on the situations you described...good example is the BBQ. Fine you don't eat meat but why be a downer about everything that is going to come up in the future and in his attempts to socialize and enjoy life.  So you can see from his perspective where the comments he made might come from.  Not blaming you--but one person can't be entirely wrong and the other person entirely right.  I'd guess you are fighting about something different really than the BBQ which you kind of explained in essence here, the underlying feeling for all of it.  Which as lots of people said, just means that you aren't compatible at this time.

I do think that one month was a huge amount of time to kind of be in his personal space and big pressure cooker to put yourselves under without having smaller bits of time to test out if your connection still existed and compatibility. Lots of people will jump on the name calling and explosive nature of what he did because that sort of behavior is easier to identify and deem "bad".. On the other hand if you were simmering with resentment and hostility, it's more chronic and equally destructive too--less easy to pinpoint when others are being told the story from your perspective (only).  Just giving you stuff in your own behavior that you might look at in the future. With this guy it's done. 100% Good luck 

I’m not being a downer. I repeatedly went out with him and his friends but I don’t constantly want to hang out with a bunch of dudes. For me after being around them all the time, sometimes I just want personal space. I’m not stopping him from seeing his friends. But if I don’t want to do the exact same thing as him he gets angry. I am not “entitled”. 

[Versacehottie]

You want to be right rather than fix the problem or bend a bit. You are failing to see that you aren't compatible any longer but almost want to hang in there to get the bf you've been promised. I think you are too close to the problem and can't see yourself in it. I can go back through your original post and pull out all the examples if you are truly interested in how other people (ie him) might have viewed what went on between you. Assuming you will say no though. It's ok. You can keep doing this exact stuff and see how it works out for you.

I think if you are looking for sympathy you definitely got a decent amount from other people. I was trying to give you some actionable items you could look at in your own behavior. Lol, I realize it's not the easiest info to hear.  Much like the rest of the people who participated in the thread, we all agree it's not going to work out with you and him. Sorry & good luck. And if you really want me to point out the things in your original post that indicate more of the whole story, I really would do  

[Wildflowerxx]

1 minute ago, Versacehottie said:

You want to be right rather than fix the problem or bend a bit. You are failing to see that you aren't compatible any longer but almost want to hang in there to get the bf you've been promised. I think you are too close to the problem and can't see yourself in it. I can go back through your original post and pull out all the examples if you are truly interested in how other people (ie him) might have viewed what went on between you. Assuming you will say no though. It's ok. You can keep doing this exact stuff and see how it works out for you.

I think if you are looking for sympathy you definitely got a decent amount from other people. I was trying to give you some actionable items you could look at in your own behavior. Lol, I realize it's not the easiest info to hear.  Much like the rest of the people who participated in the thread, we all agree it's not going to work out with you and him. Sorry & good luck. And if you really want me to point out the things in your original post that indicate more of the whole story, I really would do  

I don’t want to be right. I was gauging to see if I was overreacting. I’m also not sticking around to “get the boyfriend I’ve been promised”. I already moved my flights forward before posting here and decided to stay at a hotel. I don’t think you can tell me about my own behaviour and push the point when what you insinuate isn’t the case, as a stranger on the internet. 

In terms of my “own behaviour” for weeks I went along with everything. When I said that I didn’t want to be around his friends all the time and didn’t like going to clubs, he got angry. I should have been able to discuss that with him openly as two adults. 
 

I don’t want to have a back and forth. I hope you have a wonderful end of weekend 

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, Wildflowerxx said:

When I said that I didn’t want to be around his friends all the time and didn’t like going to clubs, he got angry. I should have been able to discuss that with him openly as two adults. 

To be fair, a man who was interested in being in a relationship with you wouldn’t be going to clubs and inviting his friends to join you all the time. The fact that he chose to do that, and didn’t see a problem with that, speaks to his intentions - 

That said, you should be able to discuss your feelings and your wishes with the man without it deteriorating to yelling and name calling. Again, the fact that he was not able to do so tell you all you need to know - 

It’s good that you could leave early. It’s time to close the door here once and for all and go in search of a relationship that will be more what you want -

 

Edited January 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Wildflowerxx said:

I’m leaving in a few days but the wait to leave was becoming awful and I decided to stay at a hotel. He wanted me to stay longer and wanted me to move out here. 

Sorry this . Good you're in a hotel. What inspired you to visit him after all this time? Were there romantic intentions on your or his part?

He seems like a rude tool. Hopefully you delete and block him and move forward with dating decent local guys.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the fact that he has been limiting alone time with you is very telling, OP. 

A guy who is super into you would not want his buddies tagging along all the time, I promise you that. He would want ample space to woo you. This man isn't doing that. I would read between the lines and completely drop the idea of this progressing.

At least now you're in a hotel. It's better. You two don't work together, at all.