I have a really sad story to share. I'm heartbroken. Please help me?

[glows]

You weren’t ready to date given your insecurities so treat it as such. On top of perceived rejection from this person you are already predisposed to low self esteem and you’re busy rebuilding your career and improving yourself. 

Be more patient with yourself and don’t get so attached next time. I believe your strong attachment is you seeking for acceptance socially where otherwise it wouldn’t matter in the first place if you were confident or believed in your own abilities. The unfortunate emails are suggesting a tremendous need to feel wanted and accepted. I’d explore this but outside of dating. Join some hobby groups, search for associations that share your love of something. Excel in your career and network with your peers.

Going forward know your own limitations and don’t resort to lies and manipulation. People see right through that. It’s also unclear whether she was ever genuinely interested or mature enough to consider dating you. Chatting for a month online? I would be gone yesterday. It’s a waste of time especially having not met sooner(within a few days of matching). You were only one of her online buddies and followers among others. 

Focus more on yourself and where you want to be. Using dating to fill in the gaps or replace self worth is never a good idea.

[Heartbreat]

1 minute ago, ccas93 said:

I can guarantee your emails were mildly annoying to her at best. Probably just amazed you're still dwelling on the situation. Her snap was not that sexually aggressive. It's not like she sent you nudes. She just gave you a flirty thank you for helping her with something. Attraction and chemistry is not real or to be taken with a huge grain of salt until it's been established in person. 

 

The caveat is that she didn't need help with a 100-level class (she had already graduated, it was clearly coursework from a class she took as an undergrad); she did that because she was flirting with me and she wanted me to make a move and hookup with her, but I was in no position financially to do then what I would and could easily do now. Ugh....  

[balletomane]

I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. This has obviously been a massive blow to you. But the concerning things here are your own thoughts and behaviour. This is a woman you've never met, a stranger, who apparently has stuck in your mind for three years. This isn't a sign that she's perfect for you. It's a sign that you have an obsessive tendency to fantasise about strangers. You've built a whole elaborate fantasy around her based purely on Snapchat, you've tried to put on a "unique" Snapchat show to draw her in, and when it became clear she wasn't spending your silent month pining for you, you got angry. You seem to think it's only natural she'd be thinking about you, this random Snapchat acquaintance she's never met. To be blunt, this is so desperate it comes across as creepy.

You need more insight into your own behaviour. YOU were the one trying to make yourself into something you're not (by spending money for the sake of having 'unique' photos for Snapchat), and you seem to believe that because you put on that show you're entitled to have her as your audience. This is the opposite of laidback. You need to date women in real life and avoid building fantasies around those you've never met.

[ccas93]

1 minute ago, Heartbreat said:

; she did that because she was flirting with me and she wanted me to make a move and hookup with her, but I was in no position financially to do then what I would and could easily do now. Ugh....  

oh yeah? how do you know?

you don't need to be financially well off to hook up with someone, I did plenty of hooking up when I was poor. 

[Heartbreat]

Just now, balletomane said:

I'm sorry you're hurting, OP. This has obviously been a massive blow to you. But the concerning things here are your own thoughts and behaviour. This is a woman you've never met, a stranger, who apparently has stuck in your mind for three years. This isn't a sign that she's perfect for you. It's a sign that you have an obsessive tendency to fantasise about strangers. You've built a whole elaborate fantasy around her based purely on Snapchat, you've tried to put on a "unique" Snapchat show to draw her in, and when it became clear she wasn't spending your silent month pining for you, you got angry. You seem to think it's only natural she'd be thinking about you, this random Snapchat acquaintance she's never met. To be blunt, this is so desperate it comes across as creepy.

You need more insight into your own behaviour. YOU were the one trying to make yourself into something you're not (by spending money for the sake of having 'unique' photos for Snapchat), and you seem to believe that because you put on that show you're entitled to have her as your audience. This is the opposite of laidback. You need to date women in real life and avoid building fantasies around those you've never met.

 

I didn't obsess about her for three years. I actually completely forgot about her until I saw her new OkCupid profile this summer. The difference between this time and three years ago is that she didn't delete her profile and disappear, but she engaged with me in conversation for a few months on Snapchat, but I never had the financial means to sweep her off her feet when the time was right, and by the time I did, I was fighting a losing battle and my only friend would have been time and patience at that point. Instead, I pushed the issue, got myself blocked, and am now disdained by her forever. 

Also, I'm not lacking in confidence whatsoever. I knew exactly what I was doing, but I hate that I couldn't sustain it all because of money. I needed to get my foot in the door and then I knew I'd be able to make her feel special because I'm a great partner. The problem is that because I could not sustain the act, the door slammed shut on me. It's like not getting hired for a lucrative job that you are qualified for and would have no problem working all because of some minor mistakes in the interview or subtle signs of fragility. 

[smackie9]

You don’t know for sure she felt as much attraction as you. But from what I see you were way overly invested in someone you have never dated. You need to not do that. You need to get to know them in person and take your time, keeping your feelings in check. 

[Heartbreat]

This is so dumb. This feels like the plot to "Can't Buy Me Love" except done virtually, and yes you can buy this girl love because she was born into money, is used to it, and idolizes the finance moguls of the world. 

[balletomane]

You don't know if having money would have enabled you to date her, because you don't actually know the first thing about her. She's a stranger. Snapchat can't tell you anything of value about a person. The fact that you singled this stranger out after three years, much less assumed that you had an interrupted romance to finish, suggests that you're fixated on her.

People who assume that money is the key to dating success often are low in confidence. Because money is a tangible thing and theoretically it's always possible to make more, it's comforting to latch onto that as the reason for rejection than, "S/he just wasn't that interested in me." The second reason would mean rejection was beyond their control, and people with low self-confidence struggle with that idea. Genuinely confident, easygoing people don't mind.

[Heartbreat]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You don’t know for sure she felt as much attraction as you. But from what I see you were way overly invested in someone you have never dated. You need to not do that. You need to get to know them in person and take your time, keeping your feelings in check. 

Right, I just felt that because I waited so long (due to lack of finances unbeknownst to her), that chance slipped away. I should have just borrowed money and met up with her. The worst thing is that I'm 30 and living at home (she lives at home, but she's 23) even though I make a lot of money now, so I was also trying to hide that fact from her until I could subtly get a luxury apartment just to impress her and avoid being a total turnoff because of the living at home at my age stigma.  

Edited January 1, 2022 by Heartbreat

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

I'm not stamping feet.

Quote

I sent her an angry e-mail today about how hurt I was and how I regretted trying to reconnect with her on the dating site.

You had never actually met the woman. She owed you nothing. You had no reason to send her an angry email - that was way out of line.

 

[Heartbreat]

1 minute ago, balletomane said:

You don't know if having money would have enabled you to date her, because you don't actually know the first thing about her. She's a stranger. Snapchat can't tell you anything of value about a person. The fact that you singled this stranger out after three years, much less assumed that you had an interrupted romance to finish, suggests that you're fixated on her.

People who assume that money is the key to dating success often are low in confidence. Because money is a tangible thing and theoretically it's always possible to make more, it's comforting to latch onto that as the reason for rejection than, "S/he just wasn't that interested in me." The second reason would mean rejection was beyond their control, and people with low self-confidence struggle with that idea. Genuinely confident, easygoing people don't mind.

 

I exhibited the most confidence when I had little to no money back in July and August. She really liked that, but then came the point when I had to meet up with her but couldn't afford to. The longest I stalled and ghosted while other guys talked to her, the more pressure I felt to make a move and by then I felt that asking her out after so many months and time for her to develop feelings for guys she was actually meeting and hooking up with completely screwed me over. I did know a ton about her because we had a bunch of conversations and her dating profiles were always pretty detailed. The worst thing I did was trying to press the envelope when her interest was fading.

[balletomane]

OK, now I'm wondering if this is even real...

[Heartbreat]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

You had never actually met the woman. She owed you nothing. You had no reason to send her an angry email - that was way out of line.

 

She didn't owe me anything, but I called her out on her rude and hurtful behavior. Even if she didn't reciprocate my feelings for her, there's a courteous and respectable way to go about things and the way she handled it was absolutely inappropriate knowing that I was a good guy. I can't say too much because I did that once when I left a job that I was displeased with after college and never felt I should be working at based on my qualifications. 

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, Heartbreat said:

Right, I just felt that because I waited so long (due to lack of finances unbeknownst to her), that chance slipped away. I should have just borrowed money and met up with her. The worst thing is that I'm 30 and living at home (she lives at home, but she's 23) even though I make a lot of money now, so I was also trying to hide that fact from her until I could subtly get a luxury apartment just to impress her and avoid being a total turnoff because of the living at home at my age stigma.  

Sorry put you are sounding pathetic. You put this woman you hardly know, never dated up on a pedestal. You devalue your self worth with your plans to impress with money and a lux apartment etc. that screams low self esteem. Why not think, She needs to like me for me and if she doesn’t then there will be someone else who will. And not give it a second thought. 

[Heartbreat]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

Sorry put you are sounding pathetic. You put this woman you hardly know, never dated up on a pedestal. You devalue your self worth with your plans to impress with money and a lux apartment etc. that screams low self esteem. Why not think, She needs to like me for me and if she doesn’t then there will be someone else who will. And not give it a second thought. 

It's not that I was impressing with money. My Snaps were adventurous and showed that I was going to museums, restaurants, playing tennis (which I played in college), capturing deer in the wild on Snaps. They were exciting, funny, and cool, and made me different from the other guys she was adding on Snap and Instagram I bet. You don't do that with low self-esteem. I knew what I was doing, and my financial situation hurt me in the long run because I couldn't keep it long enough to reap the financial rewards of my current job. If I had been myself, I think she would have liked me all the same, but knowing her and the fact she's so heavily into finance and is probably courted by guys with a lot of money, my only hope was to project the well-off alpha male image becasue that's the type of guy she'll likely end up being with in the long run. 

[Heartbreat]

As in I wasn't blatantly impressing with money and flaunting it, but the fact that I was participating in all of those activities and going out while everyone else was indoors because of COVID implied my financial strength and daring, which is what I was going for. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by Heartbreat

[smackie9]

2 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:my only hope was to project the well-off alpha male image becasue that's the type of guy she'll likely end up being with in the long run. 

You contradicted your self. If you had been so confident in yourself you wouldn’t have worried about this. 

[Heartbreat]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You contradicted your self. If you had been so confident in yourself you wouldn’t have worried about this. 

Worried about what?

[balletomane]

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You contradicted your self. If you had been so confident in yourself you wouldn’t have worried about this. 

The drip-feeding of new and increasingly outrageous details (being 30, living at home, planning to rent a luxury apartment in order to deceive a woman, being too good to do a certain job, and showcasing "daring" by going out in the pandemic, all for the sake of a Snapchat stranger) makes me suspect none of this is genuine.

[lana-banana]

16 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

My Snaps were adventurous and showed that I was going to museums, restaurants, playing tennis (which I played in college), capturing deer in the wild on Snaps. They were exciting, funny, and cool, and made me different from the other guys she was adding on Snap and Instagram I bet. You don't do that with low self-esteem.

This is exactly what you do when you have low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem don't care how their social media makes them look; they post what THEY value (whether that's a blurry picture of lunch, or a meme that only two people understand, or a bird they thought was cool, etc). Your obsession with trying to appear a certain way is part of what did you in here.

Be yourself next time, truly yourself, and you'll be much better off.

[Heartbreat]

6 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

This is exactly what you do when you have low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem don't care how their social media makes them look; they post what THEY value (whether that's a blurry picture of lunch, or a meme that only two people understand, or a bird they thought was cool, etc). Your obsession with trying to appear a certain way is part of what did you in here.

Be yourself next time, truly yourself, and you'll be much better off.

 

I typically don't care how my social media makes me look, but I became socially aware with this Snapchat to cater to this girl who was already skeptical because I added her without a Snapscore, thus she realized I created Snapchat and added her as my first friend. That being said, what I did clearly stimulated her interest because I did it so that my snaps were interesting and well-timed. When I first started using Snapchat, I'd get 50+ views on all of my stories, all from strangers who I added through quick add after adding her, and I didn't even interact with a lot of those people in Snap convos. I became a man of mystery, which is appealing because basic human psychology dictates that you want to know more about someone you don't understand or who is dark and mysterious. I deactivated my Facebook and other platforms a long time ago, so Snapchat was the only outlet for people to learn about me.

It was a disingenuous rouse because I had her in mind that whole time, but I definitely have high self-esteem because I am highly intelligent. What failed me is that she was never going to see past my lack of an established social network or quirkiness over guys who already had a ton of friends of Snap and Instagram and who would be perceived as "studs" by her friends. What helped me is that those studs wouldn't value her as girlfriend material and I knew that, but I botched everything by not being able to seize the moment when it was there.

Edited January 1, 2022 by Heartbreat

[lana-banana]

1 minute ago, Heartbreat said:

 

I typically don't care how my social media makes me look, but I became socially aware with this Snapchat to cater to this girl who was already skeptical because I added her without a Snapscore, thus she realized I created Snapchat and added her as my first friend. That being said, what I did clearly stimulated her interest because I did it so that my snaps were interesting and well-timed. When I first started using Snapchat, I'd get 50+ views on all of my stories, all from strangers who I added through quick add after adding her, and I didn't even interact with a lot of those people in Snap convos. I became a man of mystery, which is appealing because basic human psychology dictates that you want to know more about someone you don't understand or who is dark and mysterious. I deactivated my Facebook and other platforms a long time ago, so Snapchat was the only outlet for people to learn about me.

It was a disingenuous rouse because I had her in mind that whole time, but I definitely have high self-esteem because I am highly intelligent. What failed me is that she was never going to see past my lack of an established social network or quirkiness over guys who already had a ton of friends of Snap and Instagram and who would be perceived as "studs" by her friends. What helped me is that those studs wouldn't value her as girlfriend material and I knew that, but I botched everything by not being able to seize the moment when it was there.

Stop, stop, stop. Just stop. You have no idea how anyone else would have treated her, you have no idea what she values in someone, you have no idea what she prioritizes and cares about. For all this talk about human psychology it doesn't appear that you understand human interaction very well. I don't think you'll be in a position to date until you stop attempting to overanalyze and overengineer every interaction. Dating is about building real connections with someone, not trying to orchestrate an outcome.

[Heartbreat]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

Stop, stop, stop. Just stop. You have no idea how anyone else would have treated her, you have no idea what she values in someone, you have no idea what she prioritizes and cares about. For all this talk about human psychology it doesn't appear that you understand human interaction very well. I don't think you'll be in a position to date until you stop attempting to overanalyze and overengineer every interaction. Dating is about building real connections with someone, not trying to orchestrate an outcome.

I actually do because she made it explicit on her OkCupid profile, and I embody all of those qualities. The thing is that I thought about a unique way to separate myself from my perceived competition. That month killed me, but it might not have worked out anyway because once I started the act, I would have had to have kept it up when I actually started seeing her, which would have forced me to spend above my means at the time. However, I might have been able to make it work by methodically disappearing for a short time after a great date. This is not emotionally healthy behavior in a relationship, but it has been proved to build attraction and desire.

[Weezy1973]

38 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

my only hope was to project the well-off alpha male image becasue that's the type of guy she'll likely end up being with in the long run. 

So if you’re projecting that image, by definition that means you’re not a “well-off alpha male.” So you were trying to fool her into being interested in you. And sounds like it worked temporarily.  And temporary  will always be the case if you’re trying to act like something you’re not. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by Weezy1973

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, Heartbreat said:

,I might have been able to make it work by methodically disappearing for a short time after a great date. This is not emotionally healthy behavior in a relationship, but it has been proved to build attraction and desire.

It’s not only not emotionally healthy behavior, it’s incredibly unhealthy to even have thoughts like manipulating people to that degree. Therapy is a good place for you at this point.