I have a really sad story to share. I'm heartbroken. Please help me?

[basil67]

Thinking further on your comment "I meet up with a lot girls, but you're so self-assured and I'm a busy guy, but when I have some free time I want to take you out." It sounds like PUA line.   

It seems designed to show that you have interest from other women which supposedly makes you more desirable to her.  And then telling her that she's not a priority to you is designed to simultaneously neg her and make her think you're a kind of prize.   Yes, I know you also threw in one compliment about her self assuredness, but the compliment was lost because of the other lines.

Of course, it may not be a PUA line and you came up with it yourself.  But my translation above is how a woman would read into it and why she no longer has interest in you.  Well, that and the ghosting for a month

Edited January 1, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

 so I snap her "I meet up with a lot girls, but you're so self-assured and I'm a busy guy, but when I have some free time I want to take you out." 

.She opens it, starts typing for a while, never replies to my snap, and blocks me. 

Sorry this happened. Broaden your horizons and meet other women. 

Try getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for a low-key coffee .

In the future, don't get this involved with SC scores and endless social media messaging.

Also, the message you sent was an off-putting turn off. It sounds overly arrogant and quiet uninviting. Try not to use PUA tactics and sound cocky.

Be sincere. Message women you're interested in an meet in a timely manner. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Weezy1973]

10 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

I know that we'd perfect together because of our laidback personalities…

This whole thread doesn’t happen if you’re actually laid back.  

[Heartbreat]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This whole thread doesn’t happen if you’re actually laid back.  

 

I was laid back throughout the entire three months that we interacted with each other. Eventually, I had to ask her out our at least intimate that I wanted to ask her out. If one message, taken out of context, completely turned her off, then what does that say about her. I feel that I gauged the situation correctly and her interest in me waned during the time I was trying to make money and secure a good-paying job so that I wouldn't disappoint her because she was certainly talking to other guys during that one-month period and perhaps hooking up with them and developing emotional bonds with them. It sucks so much and I'm still harboring a lot of internal anger over this because of the position I was in four months ago compared to what she thinks of me now. She never had the benefit of meeting up with me and getting to know that I'm a really fun and chill dude to be around. 

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

It sucks so much and I'm still harboring a lot of internal anger over this… I'm a really fun and chill dude to be around. 

Chill dudes wouldn’t be harboring anger over this. They wouldn’t think it’s a big deal and would already be onto the next prospect. I don’t think you understand what “laid back” and “chill” actually mean. 

[Heartbreat]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

Chill dudes wouldn’t be harboring anger over this. They wouldn’t think it’s a big deal and would already be onto the next prospect. I don’t think you understand what “laid back” and “chill” actually mean. 

Of course I've moved on to the next prospect. I've been messaging women ad nauseum on OkCupid over the past few months. That doesn't mean I shouldn't still feel indignant about this whole situation. How would you feel if a girl who was really into you and vice versa ended up getting away because you were having financial woes and couldn't keep up the image you were putting across on Snapchat, but once you got the means to keep up the image, her interest had faded and you couldn't really get her at that point unless you played it perfectly because she was ready to use any misstep by you as a reason to get rid of you? 

That's how I felt that whole thing went down. Maybe I exaggerated that a bit and if I had not send such emotionally charged snaps, I could have waited for whatever flings she had going on to pass as temporary pleasures and made my move at a better time with more sangfroid, but my only mistake that was that I was real dude in a dating world that is all so fake and involves so much posturing and so many calculated movements to get a girl. 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

Tact is a life skill which you would be wise to learn.   Saying to a girl "I meet up with a lot girls, but you're so self-assured and I'm a busy guy, but when I have some free time I want to take you out." definitely arrogant.  You've basically said "I'm really busy with other women, but I'll fit you in when it suits me".  This is not how to make a girl feel special.

That statement is cringeworthy. 

OP - Do you lack social awareness in other social situations, or are you just new to dating? No woman is ever going to respond to you if you tell her - I’m busy and self important, but you seem like a good woman so I will go out with you. That’s never going to work, ever. 

My suggestion, you need to develop your emotional intelligence and social skills and lose the sense of entitlement that you have if you have any hope in having a woman reciprocate your interest. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Heartbreat said:

That doesn't mean I shouldn't still feel indignant about this whole situation. How would you feel if a girl who was really into you and vice versa ended up getting away because you were having financial woes and couldn't keep up the image you were putting across on Snapchat, but once you got the means to keep up the image, her interest had faded and you couldn't really get her at that point unless you played it perfectly because she was ready to use any misstep by you as a reason to get rid of you? 

It takes all kinds.

She was not really into you if she walked away because you were not able to keep up the appearance you were trying to portray on Snapchat. 

 A relationship is not built on a lie. That was your mistake - thinking that you could attract a woman with money - particularly when you did not even have it. 

[Heartbreat]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That statement is cringeworthy. 

OP - Do you lack social awareness in other social situations, or are you just new to dating? No woman is ever going to respond to you if you tell her - I’m busy and self important, but you seem like a good woman so I will go out with you. That’s never going to work, ever. 

My suggestion, you need to develop your emotional intelligence and social skills and lose the sense of entitlement that you have if you have any hope in having a woman reciprocate your interest. 

 

I was trying to compensate for her fading interest by a seemingly valid explanation of my ghosting on the app and not snapping at all throughout that month by presenting myself as having met up with other women during that interval thus inflating my perceived social value in her eyes. The only issue with that is that you actually need to snap yourself or a picture of you with a hot girl on a date for it to work. Truthfully, as soon as her interest started to wane, the only thing I could do was let whatever she had going on behind the scenes happen and keep in contact with her occasionally. Now I'd be in an amazing position to take her out, sweep her off her feet, and show her the real me, but it's too late and so much irreversible damage has been done to the point that she lost complete respect for me and literally HATES me, especially after those emails that I sent her, the purpose of which were to show her how I felt and that I have a backbone and wasn't afraid to call her out on her cowardly behavior of not responding to me and expressing herself like an adult. I would have completely understood and backed off, but she handled it like a judgmental teenage girl with an attitude problem because she had already stereotyped me in her mind to be someone who I'm not.

At best, her lasting image of me will be as an arrogant and entitled guy who made her feel uncomfortable while other guys who she was sleeping with made her feel good, so she'll never have a good opinion of me again unless by some miracle she sees me later in life and sees that my success has lead to women holding me in high esteem, but at that point I would not want to be with someone who only sees me as attractive because of the validation of her peers. I'm looking for a real woman, and sadly, while this had amazing potential, it is over with and I'm to blame for some of it, but my financial situation is what stopped it from ever taking flight and it hurts me so much to think about it. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by Heartbreat

[BaileyB]

The simple truth is, it’s going to NOT work out much more often than it will ever work out in dating. So, time to move on and find someone else to date. No need to be melodramatic about it - it didn’t happen, such is life. 

[Heartbreat]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

The simple truth is, it’s going to NOT work out much more often than it will ever work out in dating. So, time to move on and find someone else to date. No need to be melodramatic about it - it didn’t happen, such is life. 

Had I not sent that message, do you think I would have still had a great shot or was it clear that she was quickly losing interest? It seems like if her interest was pretty high, that message wouldn't have made a big difference. 

[Ami1uwant]

Move on from her…..

 

some rules with online dating

 

1 try to meet in person ASAP.  If there is distance it might take a long time. In that case do video chats.

 

2. fantasy vs reality.  Peop,e say one thing online that is different from what they actual do

 

3.  Never assume you are the only ones they are talking to or dating.

[Weezy1973]

5 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

Had I not sent that message, do you think I would have still had a great shot or was it clear that she was quickly losing interest?

First, there’s no way you or anyone else can know the answer to this question. Second, it really doesn’t matter. Third, chill, laid back dudes, don’t obsess over “what ifs”. They live in the moment.

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

Had I not sent that message, do you think I would have still had a great shot or was it clear that she was quickly losing interest? It seems like if her interest was pretty high, that message wouldn't have made a big difference. 

I will simply say, I don’t date men who ghost me. I would have lost interest in you when you disappeared.

Flaky guy who I have never never met - there is no potential in that. Your message likely confirmed her previous decision not to respond.

Edited January 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

2. fantasy vs reality.  Peop,e say one thing online that is different from what they actual do

Evidenced by the fact that OP was trying to portray an image that was not true to get the girl - 

Likewise, you decided there was potential here such that “you could have been great” when you have never met the woman. What interested you was the fantasy that you created about this woman - I say that because you don’t actually know the woman, you never took her on an actual date. 

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

chill, laid back dudes, don’t obsess over “what ifs”.

Most people don’t obsess over “what ifs.” There are so many different ways that life can go - one would drive themselves crazy if they obsessed over what ifs. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[Heartbreat]

19 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Move on from her…..

 

some rules with online dating

 

1 try to meet in person ASAP.  If there is distance it might take a long time. In that case do video chats.

 

2. fantasy vs reality.  Peop,e say one thing online that is different from what they actual do

 

3.  Never assume you are the only ones they are talking to or dating.

 

I know all that, but finances and my dental situation from the surgery really destroyed my chances. On the other hand, I didn't want to wait and have some other guy win her. I should have just taken it easy, but I couldn't help myself, and I did stimulate her interest. It hurts so much... and after what I said in those emails, there is absolutely no way that she gives me a chance ever again.

[Heartbreat]

19 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

First, there’s no way you or anyone else can know the answer to this question. Second, it really doesn’t matter. Third, chill, laid back dudes, don’t obsess over “what ifs”. They live in the moment.

Living in the moment is the worst thing you can do. That's why so many relationships fail because people don't think ahead. With the proper finances back in August, I would have met up with her and we probably would have liked each other a lot. And the fact that she lives an hour away would have made it so easy for me to sink back into work, ghost for a few days, and build her attraction for me because she would have missed me. God damn money screwed me over and made me come off looking really awkward and weird as opposed to sealing the deal when her attraction and curiosity were at their peaks. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Heartbreat said:

  inflating my perceived social value in her eyes. The only issue with that is that you actually need to snap yourself or a picture of you with a hot girl on a date for it to work.

Sorry to say but it's unclear where you are getting these dating concepts. You basically blew it but using all these fibs and tricks and games.

On top of that women are put off by stalling, catfishing or faking as well as insulting remarks and messages like that. So it's a combination of factors but the message was just the final nail in the coffin of your misguided PUA tactics..

Just be yourself now that you have some personal things in order. You'll do much better that way. You don't need gimmicks.

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

Living in the moment is the worst thing you can do.

It’s not, but what I’m pointing out is you’re not chill, nor are you laid back. And that apparently in your mind was what your “connection” with this woman stemmed from. You were being fake to try to attract a woman. That never works. 

 

5 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

,I would have met up with her and we probably would have liked each other a lot.

It’s actually way more likely that there wouldn’t be a connection after meeting in person. That’s the most common outcome by far with online dating. 

 

7 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

made me come off looking really awkward and weird as opposed to sealing the deal when her attraction and curiosity were at their peaks. 

My guess from this thread is that you’ve probably never “sealed the deal.” Which is why you’re obsessing over this so much. Clearly you’re operating in a world of perceived scarcity rather than abundance.

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

On the other hand, I didn't want to wait and have some other guy win her. I should have just taken it easy, but I couldn't help myself, and I did stimulate her interest.

She is not a prize to be “won.” And, you never had her - 

Sure, you may have stimulated her interest - you and how many other men? You seem to have this belief that because she showed interest in you, it was somehow “meant to be.” It was not, she may have responded to you - but you never asked to meet her, you ghosted her, and then you sent her some messages that were very regretful -

Just because you found her attractive and she responded to your messages does not mean that she reciprocated your interest or there was any potential for a long term relationship. She was flirting with you, in much the same way that she flirts with other men - and your lack of follow through has prompted her to explore other options. End of story. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You basically blew it but using all these fibs and tricks and games.

On top of that women are put off by stalling, catfishing or faking as well as insulting remarks and messages like that. So it's a combination of factors but the message was just the final nail in the coffin of your misguided PUA tactics..

BINGO!

[Heartbreat]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

She is not a prize to be “won.” And, you never had her - 

Sure, you may have stimulated her interest - you and how many other men? You seem to have this belief that because she showed interest in you, it was somehow “meant to be.” It was not, she may have responded to you - but you never asked to meet her, you ghosted her, and then you sent her some messages that were very regretful -

Just because you found her attractive and she responded to your messages does not mean that she reciprocated your interest or there was any potential for a long term relationship. She was flirting with you, in much the same way that she flirts with other men - and your lack of follow through has prompted her to explore other options. End of story. 

How was I supposed to follow through given my lack of adequate finances at the time? If I told her that, the entire image that I built up to attract her would have been exposed, and by the time I had the proper finances at hand, she had already lost interest. Don't you feel at least a little sympathy for me? I'm so hurt right now, and I knew there was a connection because we talked on OkCupid three years ago and she ALWAYS looked at every one of my My Story snaps when she was friend and she always replied to my texts. There was a definite mutual attraction physically, but I think the teeth and my behavior were the turning points to go along with the ghosting part. The only thing I could have done better was to practice patience and then reengage with her when my finances were right, but I was getting paranoid because I realized that somebody else might end up with her because she's looking for casual sex and to have fun. I put so much effort into this and I'm a great guy. I feel so awful inside because if I had been myself she would have liked me regardless, and I wasn't completely out of character, it's just that I was trying to push across myself as having money and being successful and not the reality that I was just about broke when I first reconnected with her, but I knew that I would land a really good job and get myself back financially very quickly. It hurts SO much and I made it much weirder because I expressed those emotions to her without having met her. Aside from a chance encounter in real life, she's gone forever and her opinion of me will never be good. She's probably blocked my email address too after those emails, but I just felt I had to reach out to her and let her know that I did care and was interested in her. Sadly, those feelings faded on her end. 

You don't understand what it's like when you finally find a girl on one of those sites with whom you have so much in common after years of navigating through the masses to try to find her and then self-sabotaging yourself because you know that she wants the successful alpha male, who you could become very quickly, but you're not there yet. I screwed up the timing so badly... I should have been patient and waited to contact her, then I could have asked her out right away without any of the facades because I would have actually had the money to present myself as such.

Edited January 1, 2022 by Heartbreat

[smackie9]

Your perception and emotional investment is making this all go wrong. Just because she talk’s to you doesn’t mean she has to invest in you. You are a total stranger, and she owes you nothing. If she changed her mind about you, that’s her prerogative. Hey you are entitled to your feelings sure but you can’t go around stomping your feet about it without looking like a sour puss.  You have never been on a bloody date with her, and already you think she owes you. This is off putting to anyone. She got a sense of your attitude and she was done. She knows if she explained herself you would have tore one into her so instead she blocked you. So please let this go, learn from the experience and move on.

Edited January 1, 2022 by smackie9

[Heartbreat]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Your perception and emotional investment is making this all go wrong. Just because she talk’s to you doesn’t mean she has to invest in you. You are a total stranger, and she owes you nothing. If she changed her mind about you, that’s her prerogative. Hey you are entitled to your feelings sure but you can’t go around stomping your feet about it without looking like a sour puss.  You have never been on a bloody date with her, and already you think she owes you. This is off putting to anyone. She got a sense of your attitude and she was done. She knows if she explained herself you would have tore one into her so instead she blocked you. So please let this go, learn from the experience and move on.

 

I'm not stamping feet. I'm heartbroken and crestfallen. The worst part is that now I feel guilty because I feel like those emails made her feel immensely guilty about our interactions because there's no doubt that there was mutual attraction and chemistry at one point despite the fact that we didn't meet up. It doesn't help that I also wrote in the email that I wasn't going to dox or slander her with the sexually suggestive snap she sent me, because that brought to mind the fact that she was, at one point, really into me. I feel awful now because I feel like I've caused her a lot of emotional damage. Then again, maybe she doesn't really care, but I have a feeling that it's all weighing on her mind now because of the emails. 

[ccas93]

1 minute ago, Heartbreat said:

 

I'm not stamping feet. I'm heartbroken and crestfallen. The worst part is that now I feel guilty because I feel like those emails made her feel immensely guilty about our interactions because there's no doubt that there was mutual attraction and chemistry at one point despite the fact that we didn't meet up. It doesn't help that I also wrote in the email that I wasn't going to dox or slander her with the sexually suggestive snap she sent me, because that brought to mind the fact that she was, at one point, really into me. I feel awful now because I feel like I've caused her a lot of emotional damage. Then again, maybe she doesn't really care, but I have a feeling that it's all weighing on her mind now because of the emails. 

I can guarantee your emails were mildly annoying to her at best. Probably just amazed you're still dwelling on the situation. Her snap was not that sexually aggressive. It's not like she sent you nudes. She just gave you a flirty thank you for helping her with something. Attraction and chemistry is not real or to be taken with a huge grain of salt until it's been established in person.