I have a really sad story to share. I'm heartbroken. Please help me?

[Heartbreat]

There was this girl who I really liked a lot because I felt that we had a ton in common and I talked to her on this dating app three years ago. We had a nice conversation, but I think she found someone else because she wanted to meet up, but then she blew me off one day and deleted her profile. Fast forward to this past summer. I recently had major surgery from which I was recovering during the summer when I went back onto OkCupid and saw her profile once more. She left info for her Instagram and Snapchat on it. I know there was mutual attraction because we liked each other three years ago, so I created a Snapchat just to add her. The issue with my surgery is that it caused my teeth to kind of become messed up, so I need extensive dental work, because they have a lot of plaque now. It sucks because I'm an otherwise very attractive guy.

Anyway, I start using Snapchat just for her, add a bunch of people to get my Snapscore up, but I'm kind of short on money because I don't have a job after recovering from the surgery, so I can't ask her out because I don't have the money to do it. I keep in contact with her and after a month she really starts to like me because of the unique snaps I post in My Story and the way I've taken an interest in her throughout her busy workweek. One night she comes up with a pretext to get me to email her to prove that I'm real by asking for help for one of her college classes. I oblige and give her a detailed explanation (I went to an elite university so I'm very smart), and afterward she sends me a snap of her playing with her hair and sending kisses my way. I know right then and there that if I ask her to come over or if I can come over, it'll happen, but all I say "You're beautiful" because I want something long term and I still don't have the money to meet her.

I can tell that she likes me a lot, but then I run out of unique things to snap do to my shortage of money, so I ghost for a month while I'm working to build up my bank account again. Bear in mind that she's on the dating app still and is probably talking to other guys because she enjoys casual sex. Anyway, I finally land a $50k job in addition to my now second job, and I want to take her out, but I sense that she's acting differently toward me and isn't as interested. I'm starting to get worried because I fear that I'm going to lose her, so I snap her "I meet up with a lot girls, but you're so self-assured and I'm a busy guy, but when I have some free time I want to take you out." 

She opens my snap but doesn't respond. I keep talking to her as usual, but sparingly, taking time off to build attraction, but her answers are getting shorter and sh'e's not really engaging me. She tells me that she's stressed. Finally, on a Thursday in late September, I send her a long snap telling her that I really want to ask her out, but I feel that the situation has become awkward and I just want to gauge her interest. She opens it, starts typing for a while, never replies to my snap, and blocks me. At first, I thought I was just removed as a friend because her Snapscore went to zero.

I was absolutely devastated. Fast forward three months... I haven't tried to contact her at all or find out if I'm removed or blocked. Didn't even try to snap her. Today I wake up and decide to send her a long e-mail telling her that my behavior that weirded her out wasn't representative of who I really am and that I cared about her and it hurt me when she removed me as a friend just because she took what I said in a creepy way when I didn't mean it like that and I feel that my teeth and the possibility of her seeing another guy while I was busy making the money to see her ruined everything.

Now I'm making great money, but she's gone forever. I sent her an angry e-mail today about how hurt I was and how I regretted trying to reconnect with her on the dating site. I'm so sad right now because we would have been great together and I cared about her and I know she wasn't playing games with me that night back in August. I'll never be able to show her who I really am because she's blocked me out of her life and turned me into a guy who I'm not, but I can't show her that I'm the humble, intelligent, down to Earth guy who wanted to be with her who started to get her to fall for me.

Can you guys help me through this? I know what I did wrong, but was I wrong to send the e-mail calling her out? She hurt my feelings and without even having met her, I feel so crappy right now. My soul just sank. Then I finally removed her from Snapchat today and she vanished completely, which means she did block me back in September. It hurts me so much because I know she's still single, and I know she liked me, and I was so nice to her. Now she finally got pushback, but I think she already hates me, so those e-mails will only make her hate me more. Can anybody make me feel better about this? 

[ccas93]

 

29 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

There was this girl who I really liked a lot because I felt that we had a ton in common and I talked to her on this dating app three years ago. We had a nice conversation, but I think she found someone else because she wanted to meet up, but then she blew me off one day and deleted her profile.

Red flag #1. She showed you she was capable of this the first time around. 

 

38 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

Anyway, I start using Snapchat just for her,

This is already trying way too hard. She probably thought you got your new job just for her too. 

 

44 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

. I oblige and give her a detailed explanation (I went to an elite university so I'm very smart), and afterward she sends me a snap of her playing with her hair and sending kisses my way. I know right then and there that if I ask her to come over or if I can come over, it'll happen, but all I say "You're beautiful" because I want something long term and I still don't have the money to meet her.

 

what makes you so cock sure about that?

 

47 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

I can tell that she likes me a lot, but then I run out of unique things to snap do to my shortage of money, so I ghost for a month while I'm working to build up my bank account again. Bear in mind that she's on the dating app still and is probably talking to other guys because she enjoys casual sex. Anyway, I finally land a $50k job in addition to my now second job, and I want to take her out, but I sense that she's acting differently toward me and isn't as interested. I'm starting to get worried because I fear that I'm going to lose her, so I snap her "I meet up with a lot girls, but you're so self-assured and I'm a busy guy, but when I have some free time I want to take you out." 

So you ghost her for a month, and then say something douchy to her when she isn't as into you this time. Yeah, that will really make her like you. 

 

58 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

. Finally, on a Thursday in late September, I send her a long snap telling her that I really want to ask her out, but I feel that the situation has become awkward and I just want to gauge her interest. She opens it, starts typing for a while, never replies to my snap, and blocks me. At first, I thought I was just removed as a friend because her Snapscore went to zero.

I was absolutely devastated.

Well, that as rude as it was, that was your answer. It was awkward, she lost interest in you, and didn't know how to tell you, so she blocked you. Not nice of her to do that, but I hate to say it, you kind of earned it. 

You got way too hung up on and hopeful about a hot chick who had plenty dating options. You were "so nice to her" and absolutely put her on a pedestal which isn't going to win you many babes. I don't think your emails after she ghosted made a difference but they definitely didn't endear her more to you. You weren't hearing from her again whether you sent them or not. In the meantime, stop living life for this girl you never met in person before and idealizing her as a perfect love match, because she clearly wasn't, and commit yourself to your work and life without her in mind. Meet more women. Move on. 

[Heartbreat]

2 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

 

Red flag #1. She showed you she was capable of this the first time around. 

 

This is already trying way too hard. She probably thought you got your new job just for her too. 

 

what makes you so cock sure about that?

 

So you ghost her for a month, and then say something douchy to her when she isn't as into you this time. Yeah, that will really make her like you. 

 

Well, that as rude as it was, that was your answer. It was awkward, she lost interest in you, and didn't know how to tell you, so she blocked you. Not nice of her to do that, but I hate to say it, you kind of earned it. 

You got way too hung up on and hopeful about a hot chick who had plenty dating options. You were "so nice to her" and absolutely put her on a pedestal which isn't going to win you many babes. I don't think your emails after she ghosted made a difference but they definitely didn't endear her more to you. You weren't hearing from her again whether you sent them or not. In the meantime, stop living life for this girl you never met in person before and idealizing her as a perfect love match, because she clearly wasn't, and commit yourself to your work and life without her in mind. Meet more women. Move on. 

 

So basically that month that I ghosted screwed me over as I feared. If only I had the money back then. It hurts so much to know that this is what it progressed to. Is there any chance that she ever contacts me again? I'll move on, but it still hurts so much knowing that I had my chance, but I just wasn't in the best financial circumstances, and she comes from an affluent area, so I knew I had to have something like my $50k job and my new Audi just to fit the image I pushed across for her. My heart is so heavy right now. I've been crying a lot today all because my financial situation at the time caused all of this and now she'll never care about me like I know she did at some point. Why did this have to happen? I wanted to be with her so badly, and now I'm hurt worse than I've ever been before.

[ccas93]

3 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

 

So basically that month that I ghosted screwed me over as I feared. If only I had the money back then. It hurts so much to know that this is what it progressed to. Is there any chance that she ever contacts me again? I'll move on, but it still hurts so much knowing that I had my chance, but I just wasn't in the best financial circumstances, and she comes from an affluent area, so I knew I had to have something like my $50k job and my new Audi just to fit the image I pushed across for her. My heart is so heavy right now. I've been crying a lot today all because my financial situation at the time caused all of this and now she'll never care about me like I know she did at some point. Why did this have to happen? I wanted to be with her so badly, and now I'm hurt worse than I've ever been before.

No. She's not going to reach back out to you. She has options. You blew your shot with Ms Affluent Hot Girl.  She knows you placed her on a pedestal and tried way too hard to fulfill your image for her, and how you wanted to be with her so badly, and she her respect and attraction for you pretty much went to zero. At this point she is a learning experience. 

[basil67]

To be honest, you may never have had a chance.    The email asking for help with college may have simply been about asking for help.   The flirty photo may have just been a flirty photo and not an invitation.  In short, you could have been friend zoned from the start.

But it really all came unstuck with the ghosting and the litany of mistakes just compounded it from there.  If was unfair of you to blame her for hurting you with the unfriend.  The unfriend was a natural consequence of sending the terrible pickup line.   I think that most women would unfriend if they received that.  

There will be more women.  Learn from this and move on.

 

[Heartbreat]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

To be honest, you may never have had a chance.    The email asking for help with college may have simply been about asking for help.   The flirty photo may have just been a flirty photo and not an invitation.  In short, you could have been friend zoned from the start.

But it really all came unstuck with the ghosting and the litany of mistakes just compounded it from there.  If was unfair of you to blame her for hurting you with the unfriend.  The unfriend was a natural consequence of sending the terrible pickup line.   I think that most women would unfriend if they received that.  

There will be more women.  Learn from this and move on.

 

 

The college class she e-mailed me about was a freshman level class and she just graduated from college last year. It was a pretext to get me to email her to make sure that I was real and to verify that she was real to me. The snap she sent was her playing with her hair and making exaggerated kissing motions toward me with a hearts filter for sexual effect. 

I am so unbelievably hurt. I've never felt this type of heartache before only because I know that we'd perfect together because of our laidback personalities, but for her to block (not unfriend) me for that weak approach really has me devastated. I can't believe that in a month I became an afterthought for her when she was so interested in me earlier. It hurts me so much because I really cared about her, and I want her to know that, but she'll never love me. I feel so dead right now.

[Heartbreat]

35 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

No. She's not going to reach back out to you. She has options. You blew your shot with Ms Affluent Hot Girl.  She knows you placed her on a pedestal and tried way too hard to fulfill your image for her, and how you wanted to be with her so badly, and she her respect and attraction for you pretty much went to zero. At this point she is a learning experience. 

She actually isn't really that hot. She's a sporty girl whom I consider very attractive, but she's very average looking to most guys, and she's got a more toned physique than normal for women because she works out. Even so, I fear that what you say is true and that she has lost all respect and attraction for me and that any further attempt to reach, no matter how far into the future, through Instagram or OkCupid again, will be seen as stalkerish and she'll immediately shut it down unless someone breaks her heart and she sees an evolved version of me, but by then I'll probably be married. This is so painful. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by Heartbreat

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

 

The college class she e-mailed me about was a freshman level class and she just graduated from college last year. It was a pretext to get me to email her to make sure that I was real and to verify that she was real to me. The snap she sent was her playing with her hair and making exaggerated kissing motions toward me with a hearts filter for sexual effect. 

I am so unbelievably hurt. I've never felt this type of heartache before only because I know that we'd perfect together because of our laidback personalities, but for her to block (not unfriend) me for that weak approach really has me devastated. I can't believe that in a month I became an afterthought for her when she was so interested in me earlier. It hurts me so much because I really cared about her, and I want her to know that, but she'll never love me. I feel so dead right now.

I say this with kindness:  You feel hurt and you're entitled to your feelings.   But she's done nothing to warrant you feeling so hurt.    Blocking people we have no further interest in is pretty standard on online dating.

And with all due respect, you're not sounding very laidback.  Try and be the guy you believe you are - then you'll find yourself recovering more quickly.

 

Edited January 1, 2022 by basil67

[ccas93]

13 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

 

The college class she e-mailed me about was a freshman level class and she just graduated from college last year. It was a pretext to get me to email her to make sure that I was real and to verify that she was real to me. The snap she sent was her playing with her hair and making exaggerated kissing motions toward me with a hearts filter for sexual effect. 

All I'm reading here is that you're super hung up on a snapchat she sent you months ago and you think you guys are a perfect match because she showed you a little attention. 

15 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

I am so unbelievably hurt. I've never felt this type of heartache before only because I know that we'd perfect together because of our laidback personalities, but for her to block (not unfriend) me for that weak approach really has me devastated. I can't believe that in a month I became an afterthought for her when she was so interested in me earlier. It hurts me so much because I really cared about her, and I want her to know that, but she'll never love me. I feel so dead right now.

You need to start dating women and gaining experience like, right now. You will look back on this whole thing and laugh once you realize your perception of this thing with her was really off and you were your biggest worst enemy here. 

[Trail Blazer]

Okay, so first of all, I want to say that I'm sorry to hear of your ill-health, but relieved to read that you have come through the other side of surgery well and you're in the process of rebuilding your life.  Kudos to you, that's a fantastic effort!

Now, having said that, there's some pretty concerning things you've posted. 

To start with, the thread title alone is melodramatic and a misrepresentation of reality.  I'm sure that to you this is a sad story.  However, to anyone who's actually been through real heartache, this just wouldn't even touch the sides.

Dude, you've never even met this chick, why are you so hung up about this?

You seem pretty self-assured in a lot of respects.  That's generally a good thing.  If you're intelligent, handsome and well-educated, you'll most certainly be seen by many women to be a catch.  However, where your downfall will be is when you can't see past your own ego.

When you yourself admittedly bungled things, like ghosting her for a month, you decide to send an angry e-mail to her?  Dude, why!?  No... just, no!  You cannot win a woman over by showing her that you cannot regulate your own emotions!  That's a massive turn-off!

I'm sorry, but in your last paragraph you've asked if anyone can make you feel better about this?  The answer is a resounding no from me.

The only way to feel better about this is to move on and learn from your mistakes.  Learn to not be so possessive.  Learn that a high opinion of yourself doesn't necessarily translate to a high opinion from others.  Learn... to not get angry in the face of rejection!  That's a very important lesson!

Most importantly, though, learn that you cannot let a situation whereby someone you don't even know, who has rejected you, can consume so much energy.  Your soul didn't sink, pal.  The sun still rises in the morning, which presents to you a new opportunity.  The opportunity to learn, grow and not make the same mistakes again.

All the best moving forward.

[Heartbreat]

Just now, basil67 said:

I say this with kindness:  You may feel hurt and you're entitled to your feelings.   But she's done nothing wrong here.  

 

 

Why didn't she at least talk to me? I would have respected her feelings and we could have stayed friends. I don't understand why she rushed to judgment and turned me into someone who I wasn't. That was the downright coldest, cruelest, worst thing you could do to someone who cared about you and who shot you a text after a long workday so that you knew he was thinking about you. It hurts so damn much. I almost feel like the entire time she was waiting for a reason to unfriend or block me now that I think everything over.

[Heartbreat]

3 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

All I'm reading here is that you're super hung up on a snapchat she sent you months ago and you think you guys are a perfect match because she showed you a little attention. 

You need to start dating women and gaining experience like, right now. You will look back on this whole thing and laugh once you realize your perception of this thing with her was really off and you were your biggest worst enemy here. 

 

If I had handled things differently and not ghosted her, do you think we could have worked out? I still think my lack of finances at the time would have shown and she would have thought I was pretending to be someone who I wasn't (even though the money did eventually come a month later) The thing is that because of our constant interactions and similar interests, I feel that early on she was really into me, and if she can find it in her heart to realize that I was nothing but kind to her, maybe the emails will convey that I cared about her and that her actions hurt me. I'm hoping that I can at least reach her on some level because all I want is a chance to show her that she got me all wrong.

[Heartbreat]

6 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

When you yourself admittedly bungled things, like ghosting her for a month, you decide to send an angry e-mail to her?  Dude, why!?  No... just, no!  You cannot win a woman over by showing her that you cannot regulate your own emotions!  That's a massive turn-off!

 

The angry email came three months after she blocked me. Three months of her not hearing from me (which is what she wanted) and I realized she logged back into OkCupid the other day, so she's not taken, or at least in a satisfying relationship, so I thought it was the opportune time to let her know that I did feel hurt by actions, which she might have overlooked back in September if she was seeing someone else because girls tend not to care about other guys' feelings when they're hooking up with their main guys. That was the logic behind all that. I could control my emotions, but I wanted to get it off my chest to let her know how I felt when she did that and that she was wrong about how she perceived me. 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

 

Why didn't she at least talk to me? I would have respected her feelings and we could have stayed friends. I don't understand why she rushed to judgment and turned me into someone who I wasn't. That was the downright coldest, cruelest, worst thing you could do to someone who cared about you and who shot you a text after a long workday so that you knew he was thinking about you. It hurts so damn much. I almost feel like the entire time she was waiting for a reason to unfriend or block me now that I think everything over.

Because she didn't want to be friends with you.

Given the ghosting and terribly arrogant message you then sent, her blocking you was not cold or cruel.  Rather, it was to be expected.  Our actions all have consequences.

 

[ccas93]

9 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

 

If I had handled things differently and not ghosted her, do you think we could have worked out? 

No idea. You never even went on a date with her or formed any in-person relationship with her. But, based on the way you're handling this emotionally, probably not. 

[endlessabyss]

Dang, chief.

Best thing you can do is just move on, and try to forget about her.

I mean, you really don't have any real relationship with her.  You were just internet friends for the most part.

It shouldn't be that hard to move on.

All the doubling down with the aggressive emails makes you look a little unhinged.

Just use this as a learning experience of what NOT to do next time

 

Cheers!

Edited January 1, 2022 by endlessabyss

[Heartbreat]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Because she didn't want to be friends with you.

Given the ghosting and terribly arrogant message you then sent, her blocking you was not cold or cruel.  Rather, it was to be expected.  Our actions all have consequences.

 

To be fair, during that month that I "ghosted", she didn't send me a single message. Maybe I was just up against too many guys.

[Heartbreat]

1 minute ago, endlessabyss said:

Dang, chief.

Best thing you can do is just move on, and try to forget about her.

All the doubling down with the aggressive emails makes you look a little unhinged.

Just use this as a learning experience of what NOT to do next time

 

Cheers!

 

If you think about it, I needed to basically do everything perfectly in order to win her. Did I overestimate how into me she was or was I a victim of the fact that there definitely multiple guys talking to her? I feel like she started to feel stronger toward the guys she was meeting up with even though they were more accessible than I was.

[Heartbreat]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Because she didn't want to be friends with you.

Given the ghosting and terribly arrogant message you then sent, her blocking you was not cold or cruel.  Rather, it was to be expected.  Our actions all have consequences.

 

See, I don't see how it was arrogant. I was being completely lucid and truthful. So now everyone has to practice complete tact and not say the truth? I don't follow. If anything, wouldn't that come off as extremely weak?

[endlessabyss]

3 hours ago, Heartbreat said:

 

If you think about it, I needed to basically do everything perfectly in order to win her. Did I overestimate how into me she was or was I a victim of the fact that there definitely multiple guys talking to her? I feel like she started to feel stronger toward the guys she was meeting up with even though they were more accessible than I was.

She just wasn't into you.  If she was she wouldn't have blocked you.

You're overthinking it, chief.  All that is going through your mind right now is stories.

[Trail Blazer]

16 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

Why didn't she at least talk to me? I would have respected her feelings and we could have stayed friends. 

You've never even met her.  You clearly displayed behavior which she no longer wished to have in her life.  The last thing on her mind would have been, "oh hey, how can I do this where I reject him but we still remain friends?"

19 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

I don't understand why she rushed to judgment and turned me into someone who I wasn't. 

This is dysfunctional/phycho talk.  She didn't turn you into someone that you're not.  In fact, it sounds like this clearly is you when you don't get your own way.  You seemingly become angry and jealous.

22 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

That was the downright coldest, cruelest, worst thing you could do to someone who cared about you and who shot you a text after a long workday so that you knew he was thinking about you. It hurts so damn much. 

Bro, you need to get a grip.  You have no perspective on what coldness and cruelty is if that's what you think.  Again, I ask; how can it "hurt so damn much" to be rejected by a woman you've never even met?

25 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

I almost feel like the entire time she was waiting for a reason to unfriend or block me now that I think everything over.

There's something we can both agree on.  I'm sure she was starting to get a little creeped out by you, and when you lashed out at her, it just confirmed that in her mind something was a little off.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

See, I don't see how it was arrogant. I was being completely lucid and truthful. So now everyone has to practice complete tact and not say the truth? I don't follow. If anything, wouldn't that come off as extremely weak?

Tact is a life skill which you would be wise to learn.   Saying to a girl "I meet up with a lot girls, but you're so self-assured and I'm a busy guy, but when I have some free time I want to take you out." definitely arrogant.  You've basically said "I'm really busy with other women, but I'll fit you in when it suits me".  This is not how to make a girl feel special.

Is this the first girl you've ever tried to date? 

[Trail Blazer]

24 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

and if she can find it in her heart to realize that I was nothing but kind to her, maybe the emails will convey that I cared about her and that her actions hurt me. I'm hoping that I can at least reach her on some level because all I want is a chance to show her that she got me all wrong.

Not a snowball's chance in hell!  That's delusional thinking right there.  Women do not think like this at all.  The e-mails convey someone who's a little unhinged.

And, right there, the emboldened, is the real kicker.  She didn't get you wrong, you showed her who you are when things aren't going how you expect they should.  

 

[Trail Blazer]

55 minutes ago, Heartbreat said:

 

The angry email came three months after she blocked me. Three months of her not hearing from me (which is what she wanted) and I realized she logged back into OkCupid the other day, so she's not taken, or at least in a satisfying relationship, so I thought it was the opportune time to let her know that I did feel hurt by actions, which she might have overlooked back in September if she was seeing someone else because girls tend not to care about other guys' feelings when they're hooking up with their main guys. That was the logic behind all that. I could control my emotions, but I wanted to get it off my chest to let her know how I felt when she did that and that she was wrong about how she perceived me. 

That's even worse.  It was premeditated.  Three months!  How have you not moved on and started dating other girls in a three month period? 

In a three month period of using OLD I couldn't even remember half of the girls I even spoke with, let alone become so obessive about any of them that I sat around stewing about being block by any of them.

Man, life is way too short to waste time and energy on a chick you've never met who blocked you on Social Media.  Can you not just let it go and move on?

Edited January 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ccas93]

bottom line is your behavior and attitudes toward girls you like, won't work with any future ones either. I suggest getting a reputable dating coach or some kind of guide who can help you. Also, since you say you're really smart and academic, doing some research and reading up on psychology might benefit your mindset and understanding other people's.