jgolffan96 Posted December 31, 2021 Posted December 31, 2021 I *think* I am not the only one with this issue, but I have really been struggling with dating apps. In the past couple of years, I have only gone on 2 dates that went nowhere and gotten a handful of numbers that either ghosted me or flaked with multiple excuses. I even worked with a company to help me with messaging, better profile photos, etc. My question is, what am I doing wrong? I seem to get numbers but can’t get to actual dates. Is this just the nature of online dating and should I just leave or should I stay the course and do something different? Any help from someone who has had similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2021 Posted December 31, 2021 Have you tried meeting women in "real life"?? How social are you??
Author jgolffan96 Posted December 31, 2021 Author Posted December 31, 2021 17 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Have you tried meeting women in "real life"?? How social are you?? I am on the shy side. The other thing is I don’t drink. I play a ton of golf but haven’t met any one out there. Not sure where else I would meet people since bars are out…
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2021 Posted December 31, 2021 You meet people through coworkers, family and friends. If you have a good social group or groups, and do activities with them, that's where you have opportunity to meet others. Have you tried being more social, like hosting a small dinner party, or get a few people together to go ice skating/bowling, movie night, etc. Just be creative. 2
Weezy1973 Posted December 31, 2021 Posted December 31, 2021 31 minutes ago, justasht said: My question is, what am I doing wrong? I seem to get numbers but can’t get to actual dates. Is this just the nature of online dating and should I just leave or should I stay the course and do something different? Online dating is a numbers game. So join multiples sites / apps. Keep updated pics, refreshing them, and rotating different main profile pics every couple of months. Once you’ve established a bit of back and forth messaging over the app, ask for a casual meet up quickly. Just a coffee or maybe an ice cream. Something short. But don’t message back and forth more than one or two days without asking them to meet.
dramafreezone Posted December 31, 2021 Posted December 31, 2021 (edited) 39 minutes ago, justasht said: I *think* I am not the only one with this issue, but I have really been struggling with dating apps. In the past couple of years, I have only gone on 2 dates that went nowhere and gotten a handful of numbers that either ghosted me or flaked with multiple excuses. I even worked with a company to help me with messaging, better profile photos, etc. My question is, what am I doing wrong? I seem to get numbers but can’t get to actual dates. Is this just the nature of online dating and should I just leave or should I stay the course and do something different? Any help from someone who has had similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. I think the majority of people are struggling with dating apps, for various reasons. As a guy I can only speak on what I and other guys I know have experienced; I think the majority of guys experience what you do, matches that flake or ghost. I have had two flakes this week. I think paying someone to help improve your profile/messaging is a waste of money. For majority of guys it's simply the luck of the draw/good timing that results in a date. You can't take the flakes personally. Dating is simply a numbers game. You have actually been out on dates so it's not a case of whether you're attractive enough or not. You just have to stick with it. The more time you put into it the better results you will see, but make no mistake about it, for the majority of guys it's a grind. Edited December 31, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2021 Posted December 31, 2021 14 minutes ago, justasht said: The other thing is I don’t drink. You don't have to drink, I've gone down to my local pub (when I've had a bad hangover) and had a soft drink (diet coke) and talked to people. 15 minutes ago, justasht said: I am on the shy side. Do you want to get over your shyness?? 16 minutes ago, justasht said: Not sure where else I would meet people since bars are out… Here are just some of the places where I've met women I've dated: (1) College (2) Co-ed Sports (3) Friend’s Party (4) Long Bank Line (5) Used Computer Parts Show (6) Food Festival / Pub Crawl (7) Through mutual friends (8) Worked in same office building – different company (9) Used book store (10) Apartment Complex Pool – current girlfriend
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2021 Posted December 31, 2021 14 minutes ago, smackie9 said: ...go ice skating I forgot about this one. Yes... in my youth I did meet a woman while ice skating (when I lived in another state). Good suggestion @smackie9!! 1
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2021 Posted December 31, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: I forgot about this one. Yes... in my youth I did meet a woman while ice skating (when I lived in another state). Good suggestion @smackie9!! Everything is frozen here which is rare for rainy Vancouver. The ponds and farmers fields are just perfect for skating/hockey great time to get outside and enjoy the sunny weather/fresh air. Edited December 31, 2021 by smackie9 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 31, 2021 Posted December 31, 2021 1 hour ago, justasht said: The other thing is I don’t drink. I play a ton of golf but haven’t met any one out there. Look up local clubs, place an ad, etc. and teach golf lessons. You're in your comfort zone and you'll meet women that way. You can be a teetotaler and meet women. Order tonic with lime in a bar/club, you're driving so that's responsible.
Trail Blazer Posted December 31, 2021 Posted December 31, 2021 Which apps are you using? Do you live in a substantially-sized city? Depending on the app and your geographical location, there could be a large variation between your success rate based on these metrics. 3
endlessabyss Posted January 1, 2022 Posted January 1, 2022 (edited) The standards for online dating are pretty harsh. If you don't consider yourself the phenotypical cream of the crop, you may want to try real human interaction instead of cyber dating. You'll have to let your personality or some other aspect of yourself shine. Cyber dating all comes down to pictures, and I hate to say it, but there are small group of men that are dominating those sites. Furthermore, those sites are typically used for causal sex. I get you trying to shortcut the system, due to shyness, but as you can see it really isn't working to your advantage. Everything in dating comes down to network, and by the sounds of it, due to your shyness, I assume your network isn't that deep. If you're not in the correct settings that give you time to build report it's going to be a long road. Like others have suggested you can try to force yourself into group events, but that can be pretty awkward. Dating is extremely difficult for certain demographics, and frustration leads to you being conned into useless services, like the dating profile service you paid for. Hopefully something works out for you. Given enough time the odds are in your favor you'll eventually meet somebody. Edited January 1, 2022 by endlessabyss
Author jgolffan96 Posted January 1, 2022 Author Posted January 1, 2022 9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Online dating is a numbers game. So join multiples sites / apps. Keep updated pics, refreshing them, and rotating different main profile pics every couple of months. Once you’ve established a bit of back and forth messaging over the app, ask for a casual meet up quickly. Just a coffee or maybe an ice cream. Something short. But don’t message back and forth more than one or two days without asking them to meet. Yeah, I have totally come to the realization that dating is a numbers game. Question though- I thought it was never a good idea to ask someone out until it around a week of back and forth? Maybe that’s the issue? How many messages do you send or receive before you ask someone out for coffee or ice cream?
Trail Blazer Posted January 1, 2022 Posted January 1, 2022 57 minutes ago, justasht said: Yeah, I have totally come to the realization that dating is a numbers game. Question though- I thought it was never a good idea to ask someone out until it around a week of back and forth? Maybe that’s the issue? How many messages do you send or receive before you ask someone out for coffee or ice cream? Some women want to be asked out straight away and some wish to get to know you a bit better before saying yes or no. It really depends, and it can be a gamble as to whether to hold 'em or fold 'em for want of a better term.
Weezy1973 Posted January 1, 2022 Posted January 1, 2022 2 hours ago, justasht said: Yeah, I have totally come to the realization that dating is a numbers game. Question though- I thought it was never a good idea to ask someone out until it around a week of back and forth? Maybe that’s the issue? How many messages do you send or receive before you ask someone out for coffee or ice cream? I’d say generally you’d get a feel for it, but sooner always worked better for me than after. Remember that everybody online is a stranger and you have no idea how ready they are to meet up. Worse thing that happens is she says she’s rather chat a bit longer or talk on the phone first etc. 1
Philosopher Posted January 1, 2022 Posted January 1, 2022 17 hours ago, justasht said: I *think* I am not the only one with this issue, but I have really been struggling with dating apps. In the past couple of years, I have only gone on 2 dates that went nowhere and gotten a handful of numbers that either ghosted me or flaked with multiple excuses. I even worked with a company to help me with messaging, better profile photos, etc. My question is, what am I doing wrong? I seem to get numbers but can’t get to actual dates. Is this just the nature of online dating and should I just leave or should I stay the course and do something different? Any help from someone who has had similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. Have you tried Meetup.com groups. In my experience, dates from meetup groups tend go better that from Online dating. Getting a date can still be tricky from meetup groups as often during a meetup group you will not meet anyone you like. However when you do meet someone you like, you have a lot better chance of the date going well. You do have to try out a few groups though first to see which ones have people you most get on well with. Over the past two years I have found that when doing online dating, women are more cautious meeting up then they would have been previously, which I suspect is due to Covid-19, so this could explain some of your issues in getting actual dates. If the Covid situation improves over the next few months, online dating may become easier.
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2022 Posted January 1, 2022 17 hours ago, justasht said: Not sure where else I would meet people since bars are out… Bars are a horrible place to meet quality women. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get a side hustle, take some classes and courses and get involved in more sports and fitness. Be a regular at places you patronize. Smile, be friendly and say hi to everyone. Don't use the shy excuse. Anyone can smile and be nice to people.
Ami1uwant Posted January 1, 2022 Posted January 1, 2022 13 hours ago, justasht said: Yeah, I have totally come to the realization that dating is a numbers game. Question though- I thought it was never a good idea to ask someone out until it around a week of back and forth? Maybe that’s the issue? How many messages do you send or receive before you ask someone out for coffee or ice cream? I have over 25 years of meeting people online ( I have had LTRs during that). if you two are in the same metro area. It doesn’t matter much with dating app or using online sites in this. Once you get to regular communication online…. step 1 talk on the phone. See how it goes. step 2 Plan on setting up a date if this call goes an hour. The date should be set within a week for a face to face meeting. step 3 after first meeting if it goes well have a second meeting . Don’t try to judge attraction level or this meeting. Remrmber pre online dating you usually met the person initially before a first date was planned. The times you might not doa 2nd meeting is if you find obvious deal breakers…these either coukd np be in their personality or you two don’t have common core ideals ( wanting kids, religious views, where you plan to be in 5-10 years) if you are farther apart it might take more time because of investment toget together. even when meeting someone..never assume that you are the only ones they are talking to or dating, you might bevies the other one as the best ever while the other might have you at #3. Some might ghost on you because they are farther along with someone else and want to see what happens there. in the early years of online dating, people were very serious about wanting to meet someone. In the last 10+ years it’s gotten more socially acceptable way to meet people so more non serious users are now using this to try and get someone they otherwise woukdnt meet in real life. as a result of this it takes longer time Togo through the list and find someone. as you get older it gets harder in real life to meet people. People have more responsibility and aren’t just hanging out getting through a job they are less about. As peop,e marry off from your social network you have less avenues to meet others. You need to get involved in things you like as a way to meet people and social network.
dramafreezone Posted January 1, 2022 Posted January 1, 2022 (edited) 16 hours ago, justasht said: Question though- I thought it was never a good idea to ask someone out until it around a week of back and forth? Maybe that’s the issue? There are no universal rules for asking out. Some want you to wait, others want you to ask right away. I tend to want to ask very soon just because of the "numbers" game aspect. I want to ask while she has interest because she could very well lose interest by next week. Unless she fancies you, it's really a luck of the draw as to if the date even happens. Timing has to be just right and the only thing you can do to help timing is to make your intentions clear as soon as possible. Women are going to have options and she's shuffling around her options to see who's at top, who's in the middle and who's at the bottom. You may not be her top option at the beginning of the week but her top option flakes, then you're her fall-back. But if you haven't even asked her out by then then you're not an option at all. That's what "we'll see" means, it means you're not my top option but maybe we'll go out if my top option falls off. Edited January 1, 2022 by dramafreezone
Author jgolffan96 Posted January 1, 2022 Author Posted January 1, 2022 23 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: There are no universal rules for asking out. Some want you to wait, others want you to ask right away. I tend to want to ask very soon just because of the "numbers" game aspect. I want to ask while she has interest because she could very well lose interest by next week. Unless she fancies you, it's really a luck of the draw as to if the date even happens. Timing has to be just right and the only thing you can do to help timing is to make your intentions clear as soon as possible. Women are going to have options and she's shuffling around her options to see who's at top, who's in the middle and who's at the bottom. You may not be her top option at the beginning of the week but her top option flakes, then you're her fall-back. But if you haven't even asked her out by then then you're not an option at all. That's what "we'll see" means, it means you're not my top option but maybe we'll go out if my top option falls off. Yeah, I thought it was a safety issue for women especially since it was online and you're essentially talking to strangers. Can you provide an example of the timing and when it is right and what text you use to ask someone out?
GuitarGuy7 Posted January 1, 2022 Posted January 1, 2022 Online dating is a number game; a numbers game that is not in your favor. Say you swipe right on every single girl and get a 1% match rate. 50% of your matches, you're not attracted to so you don't message them. Out of the girls you do message, you manage to go on a date with 10% of them. And women you do go on a date with, you ultimately wind up dating or sleeping with 1 in 5. If we calculate all of these odds, that means for every single girl you swipe on Tinder, there is about a 1 in 10,000 chance that you actually date or hookup with her.
dramafreezone Posted January 2, 2022 Posted January 2, 2022 21 hours ago, justasht said: Yeah, I thought it was a safety issue for women especially since it was online and you're essentially talking to strangers. Can you provide an example of the timing and when it is right and what text you use to ask someone out? I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. First, the good news, once she's clicked on you, chances are you've met her minimum level for attractiveness, so you're good there. Most women aren't swiping right on guys that they could never see themselves with. Take some pride in the fact that she has made a tacit comment that a romantic relationship is possible with you, so there's no reason to feel badly if the outcome with this one woman doesn't match your expectations. You are good enough. Next, understand how much of this is out of your control. Most of these women have a romantic life that is in full swing when you've entered the picture. She may have an ex that she's getting over, or she may even have a BF that she's thinking about breaking up with. Yes, many women will try to set up their next BF before they've dumped the first one. Women plan ahead much better than men. She is likely "interviewing" multiple candidates, and chances are you are not at the top of the list. So the minute details on how you should ask her out are largely irrelevant. You can have the smoothest line there is and if you're not at the top of her list it won't matter. And a line is not going to put you at the top of the list. Her list is due to how attracted she is to the applicants. You're where I was years ago, think you have to do something to make like you. You don't, that's taken care of already. Whether or not you actually end up on a date with her is mostly timing. If you're not at the top of her list (which you cannot control, there is no line or technique to help you jump ahead in the line) timing is rarely on your side, so you just have to date enough women for the odds to work in your favor. They will eventually but it is a grind, no way to shortcut the system. I wouldn't waste any time, after you've sent a couple of messages online and gotten her number. I would greet her and say you'd love to meet up next week, and ask when is she free to get together. Don't suggest a day because that's too easy for her to nix, she has to provide her availability and if that works for you, bam you have a date. It may or may not happen but again that's just up to timing. One thing you may want to do is find a place closer to her than you, so that her investment is not as high. The further away the date spot is from her, the lower your chances that the date is going to happen.
dramafreezone Posted January 2, 2022 Posted January 2, 2022 20 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said: Say you swipe right on every single girl and get a 1% match rate. 50% of your matches, you're not attracted to so you don't message them. Out of the girls you do message, you manage to go on a date with 10% of them. And women you do go on a date with, you ultimately wind up dating or sleeping with 1 in 5. You should be messaging all of your matches. Ever hear of the phrase "beggars can't be choosers?"
DatingMom Posted January 2, 2022 Posted January 2, 2022 I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with dating apps. As a woman that has been doing a lot of dating on apps, I agree with what has been said above about using lots of different dating apps. Also try to rotate different photos and think about the text. I've also found that the most attractive profiles were the ones where men would say something real about themselves, be genuine and not just out to impress. Same goes for early conversations. Skip the small chat and reveal something about yourself, like an anecdote from childhood, a travel story etc And reciprocate: ask something meaningful about them. Keep the conversation interesting and flowing and I promise they won't ghost you anymore!
GuitarGuy7 Posted January 2, 2022 Posted January 2, 2022 There's actually a trick you can use to increase your ELO score on Tinder. What is ELO score and why is it important? Your ELO score is a ranking that Tinder assigns to you based on your overall desirability. Basically, if more people swipe yes on you, and especially if someone with a high elo score themselves swipes yes on you, then your own score increases. The higher your ELO score, the more women you are shown to. If your ELO score is low enough, then it's possible that many women don't even see your profile when they're swiping on guys because you have to remember, men outnumber women on the apps. So as a man, you want to try and get your ELO score as high as possible. There are several ways you can do this. The first is to be a pretty hot dude, that's the easiest. The second is to pay for Tinder gold, platinum, etc... The third is "hack" you can use to increase it and i'll show you how. Step 1: Obviously get the best pictures you can possibly get and fill out a nice profile Step 2: In the settings, switch your settings to looking for both girls AND guys, maximum amount of distance, and maximum amount of age. The reason you set to guys is not because you're gay, but because men tend to be less pickier than girls. Having many guys like you will artificially inflate your ELO score, thus more women will see your profile, giving you an increased chance of getting more matches from women.
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