Author Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 14 minutes ago, User2022 said: I have sent mixed signals to a girl I really cared for (not the current. one I actually hung around with). The reason I did so was partially insecurity, partially her giving me insecurity. She said that she wanted me to hook-up, while at the same thing giving me the eyes of love. She later procceeded to try and make me jealous by interrupting our walk and hugging another guy, and then grabbed my arm when I turned and walked away, dragging her along. Sorry for the long reply but this is my inspiration to you TS. Have you been consistent with him? Thanks. What do you mean by consistent?
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 39 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: People don’t multidate as a distraction... Some people do, as you said to prevent focusing on one (oneitis) and getting too attached too soon. I have heard people talk about this and have read about it as well. I think people multidate for a myriad of reasons, including what you just posted too. There's no one size fits all, everyone will have their own reasons. For me personally, I prefer focusing on one at a time and he would as well, while we get to know each other and determine where we'd like things to go. It may last a week, a month, a year, forever! I don't need to date/juggle different men in order to do that, I'm not wired that way anyway, even if I wanted to. But again to each their own if it works for others, no wrong or right as far as I'm concerned. Edited January 4, 2022 by poppyfields
User2022 Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 2 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Thanks. What do you mean by consistent? Have you been genuine and not sent mixed signals? How old are you two (very young?) As for him not talking a lot, does it bother you? If it bothers you, it's a chemistry thing. If it doesn't bother you, then he's just enjoying your talk.
Author Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 3 minutes ago, User2022 said: Have you been genuine and not sent mixed signals? How old are you two (very young?) As for him not talking a lot, does it bother you? If it bothers you, it's a chemistry thing. If it doesn't bother you, then he's just enjoying your talk. There are probably some mixed signals I sent along the way. Why are you interested in our ages? We are both of legal age. His quietness bothers me, yes. Some of the time, not all of the time. However, I suppose you're right. Maybe it's due to chemistry.
User2022 Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 3 minutes ago, Alpaca said: There are probably some mixed signals I sent along the way. Why are you interested in our ages? We are both of legal age. His quietness bothers me, yes. Some of the time, not all of the time. However, I suppose you're right. Maybe it's due to chemistry. I wondered about age due to level of experience and confidence being a possible factor. But uhmm yeah, if there is an occasional gap in communication, something is missing. I mean the girl I was with talked mostly rubbish, as did I. But if there wasn't talk, we just gazed into each others eyes (sounds weird. but not when there's true chemistry and eye candy). And then she started talking again as if nothing happened. Or I did. It should be along those lines. 1
Weezy1973 Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: I don't need to date/juggle different men in order to do that, I'm not wired that way anyway, even if I wanted to. I used to be the same. But I realized that my insistence on dating one person at a time (and insisting my prospect due the same) was more out of fear. Fear they’d meet someone “better” than me and I’d lose them. Once I realized that nobody is “better” although some are more compatible than others, it made multidating the obvious more efficient option.
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 58 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I used to be the same. But I realized that my insistence on dating one person at a time (and insisting my prospect due the same) was more out of fear. Fear they’d meet someone “better” than me and I’d lose them. Once I realized that nobody is “better” although some are more compatible than others, it made multidating the obvious more efficient option. I'm happy you found it effective Weezy. I've tried it, but realized it wasn't effective for me for various reasons. Nothing to do with fear I'd lose them, or jealousy or possessiveness, it's simply a dating style that's all. I'm not wired to spread my affections around; I meet a man, we feel an attraction, we date and play it out. Wherever it's meant to go. I don't 'insist' upon it from whomever I'm dating, I simply date men who share the same style. It's not that complicated. I posted about it in great detail on a different thread awhile back, it may have been when I was Girl Fade Away, not sure. But again, no right or wrong, whatever works for each couple. Edited January 4, 2022 by poppyfields
Author Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 9 hours ago, User2022 said: I wondered about age due to level of experience and confidence being a possible factor. But uhmm yeah, if there is an occasional gap in communication, something is missing. I mean the girl I was with talked mostly rubbish, as did I. But if there wasn't talk, we just gazed into each others eyes (sounds weird. but not when there's true chemistry and eye candy). And then she started talking again as if nothing happened. Or I did. It should be along those lines. Well, we have talked a lot of nonsense. People can only talk about the weather for so long. Of course, there's also those eye-zingy, I want to lick your eyeballs, moments... But back to your point… If you are with the right woman, and attraction is mutual, the “key” will just happen. Edited January 4, 2022 by Alpaca
User2022 Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Alpaca said: Of course, there's also those eye-zingy, I want to lick your eyeballs, moments... And when the infatuation is over, either by misadventure or going separate ways, there's an emptiness and an urge to experience it again. A longingness.for the rush. Like a druggie. I had serious issues getting back on track, and I didn't care about anything else. I should probably not try drugs. Edited January 4, 2022 by User2022 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 Well, occasionally, people value infatuation too highly, seeking it out repeatedly and throwing away promising relationships once it fades. The other extreme is to pooh-pooh the significance of infatuation as if it doesn't matter, because it does. What strategies did you employ to get back on track? No more drugs, I hope.
Weezy1973 Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 2 hours ago, Alpaca said: The other extreme is to pooh-pooh the significance of infatuation as if it doesn't matter, because it does. Infatuation doesn’t matter. Attraction certainly does, but infatuation is caused by our thoughts about the object of our desire, not the person. And seeing as we don’t even really know the person in the early stages, those thoughts are often just things we make up in our minds. Not that infatuation is bad; it’s just meaningless.
Author Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) 40 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Infatuation doesn’t matter. Attraction certainly does, but infatuation is caused by our thoughts about the object of our desire, not the person. And seeing as we don’t even really know the person in the early stages, those thoughts are often just things we make up in our minds. Not that infatuation is bad; it’s just meaningless. Right. And it is more so based on physical attraction. But also to what you mentioned. Infatuation is a strong feeling of attraction. Anyway, a bit off-topic. Edited January 4, 2022 by Alpaca
Happy Lemming Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) @Alpaca Is your January "date" coming up soon?? I really do think you'll know more after this date. I also think you need to communicate to him your wants/needs in a dating relationship. And please be specific, guys don't understand things unless you are completely clear. If you want him to see you 2-3 times a week, tell him that. Don't say I want to see you more. Remember have our attention, make sure we are listening/not distracted and use small words. Edited January 4, 2022 by Happy Lemming spelling 1
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 12 minutes ago, Alpaca said: And it is more so based on physical attraction. I think infatuation is based on energy/chemistry between two people which includes physical attraction but encompasses SO much more. But that's a whole n'other thread....
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 8 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: @Alpaca Is your January "date" coming up soon?? I really do think you'll know more after this date. I also think you need to communicate to him your wants/needs in a dating relationship. And please be specific, guys don't understand things unless you are completely clear. If you want him to see you 2-3 times a week, tell him that. Don't say I want to see you more. Remember have our attention, make sure we are listening/not distracted and use small words. I agree with Lemming and I have a sneaking suspicion he may be just as confused as you are... so yes be clear, be direct, no mixed messages, beating around the bush or being elusive.. As you said yourself Alpaca, stop letting your fear drive this ship. Honest, direct, straightforward is the way to go, he will appreciate it... my boyfriends always do! 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: @Alpaca Is your January "date" coming up soon?? I really do think you'll know more after this date. I also think you need to communicate to him your wants/needs in a dating relationship. And please be specific, guys don't understand things unless you are completely clear. If you want him to see you 2-3 times a week, tell him that. Don't say I want to see you more. Remember have our attention, make sure we are listening/not distracted and small words. Yes, it is. Perhaps you're correct. My preference right now is once a week, which is what it had been, but more so I was bothered by the lapse in time since our last date.
Happy Lemming Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 3 minutes ago, Alpaca said: My preference right now is once a week, which is what it had been, but more so I was bothered by the lapse in time since our last date. I think the holidays just messed up everyone's routine. Now that they are done and we are into the new year, tell him your preference and if its Saturday night you prefer, let him know that, as well. And a few ideas to help him with date planning wouldn't hurt, as well. I was always thankful for some ideas/suggestions with date planning. I did strive to plan something the woman would enjoy and would fit in my "dating budget"!! Fun stuff, as well -- its OK to do fun stuff. If you like ice skating... tell him. If you like bowling... tell him. If you like listening to poetry at bohemian coffee shops... let him know. Definitely give him some ideas of stuff you like, who knows he may enjoy the same activities and it just hasn't come up in conversation. 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: I think the holidays just messed up everyone's routine. Now that they are done and we are into the new year, tell him your preference and if its Saturday night you prefer, let him know that, as well. And a few ideas to help him with date planning wouldn't hurt, as well. I was always thankful for some ideas/suggestions with date planning. I did strive to plan something the woman would enjoy and would fit in my "dating budget"!! Fun stuff, as well -- its OK to do fun stuff. If you like ice skating... tell him. If you like bowling... tell him. If you like listening to poetry at bohemian coffee shops... let him know. Definitely give him some ideas of stuff you like, who knows he may enjoy the same activities and it just hasn't come up in conversation. Maybe. Most of our dates have been on the weekends which has been nice. It's been dinners at restaurants mostly. But the other stuff sounds like fun too and definitely something I'd be up for. Maybe not ice skating though, I can't skate. lol
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2022 Posted January 4, 2022 34 minutes ago, Alpaca said: but more so I was bothered by the lapse in time since our last date. I think that is a valid concern Alpaca. I mean phone calls and messaging can go only so far and you admitted your phone calls weren't even all that substantive - small talk and talking about the weather? Or was that comment to @User2022 tongue-n-cheek? How long has it been since you last saw each other? And is there a plan in place for your next date? This weekend possibly? In any event, I hope you guys will talk and clear the air and decide on a clear path whether it's together moving forward or parting ways. Good luck!
Author Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: I think that is a valid concern Alpaca. I mean phone calls and messaging can go only so far and you admitted your phone calls weren't even all that substantive - small talk and talking about the weather? Or was that comment to @User2022 tongue-n-cheek? How long has it been since you last saw each other? And is there a plan in place for your next date? This weekend possibly? In any event, I hope you guys will talk and clear the air and decide on a clear path whether it's together moving forward or parting ways. Good luck! It was a bit tongue-n-cheek. The last time we saw each other to our next date will be close to a month. Some things that maybe I hadn't considered is maybe he's dating others and needs to allocate resources. Yes, we have a plan in place for our next date. It's low key so should be fun. Thanks!
poppyfields Posted January 5, 2022 Posted January 5, 2022 2 hours ago, Alpaca said: Yes, we have a plan in place for our next date. It's low key so should be fun. Excellent. So.... going back to the title of this thread and your very first post asking what's the best way to end things, I guess it's safe to assume you are no longer considering this? At least for right now anyway. Have fun on your date Alpaca and if you feel inclined, let us know how all this pans out! 1
Author Alpacalia Posted January 5, 2022 Author Posted January 5, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Excellent. So.... going back to the title of this thread and your very first post asking what's the best way to end things, I guess it's safe to assume you are no longer considering this? At least for right now anyway. Have fun on your date Alpaca and if you feel inclined, let us know how all this pans out! At the moment, you are correct. In starting this thread, I was motivated by fear. Having not seen him in a few weeks, and based on a few things he said, I believe I expected certain things to happen on a specific timeline, or that I was being mislead. It is possible that this is still the case. The beginning of a relationship can be difficult and you might feel vulnerable. Time will tell if this will turn into something more. There could be things I didn't realize he misconstrued but didn't tell me about on my part. Perhaps he's still apprehensive about me. Maybe he doesn't like my personality. Maybe he thinks I'm too brash. These are all potential factors. Thanks. Ok, will try my best to update how this pans out! Edited January 5, 2022 by Alpaca
Amanda92 Posted January 5, 2022 Posted January 5, 2022 In my opinion, he uses you as a pen friend. He doesn't have time to meet you. He doesn't kiss you. You are not exclusive. He is just a boy that is afraid of commitment and is wasting your time. I think you very right and you should end it.
poppyfields Posted January 5, 2022 Posted January 5, 2022 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Amanda92 said: He doesn't kiss you... I must've missed that. She posted they have a good physical connection (good sex?), so it's possible he comes round to satisfy that need but not seeking much else... But best to talk to find out for sure before pulling the plug. Edited January 5, 2022 by poppyfields
Author Alpacalia Posted January 5, 2022 Author Posted January 5, 2022 He hasn't shown up for "sex." He has not make any physical advances towards me, with the exception of giving me tight hugs and holding my hand while we walked (and I foolishly pulled my hand away when he reached for it). The man called me right after he got home from our last date, and I was unavailable for about a week after that.
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