How to end dating?

[Shining One]

6 hours ago, todreaminblue said:

I feel you should end it like you would want someone to end it with you

This really depends on the people in question. Ending things with women the way I would want them to end things with me has gotten me smacked.

[todreaminblue]

2 hours ago, Shining One said:

This really depends on the people in question. Ending things with women the way I would want them to end things with me has gotten me smacked.

I’m sorry that happened to you and True I don’t know if this is smacked to you but a guy I ended it with harassed me after breaking it off with him ,

saying I was ugly and fat and that I should have considered myself lucky he even bothered to give his time to me and continued to harass me for quite a while by phone …… in saying that I have no regrets even though he behaved badly I maintained my peace of mind and a clear conscience I was right to end the relationship when and how I did for me , this was a smack that happens rarely . Some people don’t respond well to any form of break up I guess I’m lucky to have dated some good people and few that haven’t responded well. I believe do unto others to be tried and true for the most part

Edited January 2, 2022 by todreaminblue

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, glows said:

“Did not want to go into the relationship blindly” reads as fear or hesitancy related to a time when he might have done so or gone into relationships blindly. It also means he doesn’t trust himself fully.

Perhaps he was a little defensive with your questions and ability to be vulnerable. It would likely get a raised eyebrow from me but wouldn’t pay too much attention this early. I can’t be around excessively nervous people or lack of confidence when dating so whether this fades out or not trust in yourself later on down the line.

If anything enjoying the party without him seems more of a reality. What if he reads into it? Don’t worry about putting more effort into someone when you don’t sense he/she is ready or ok to do the same with you just yet. It’s ok I think to wait for next date and enjoy your time together but I’d still observe each other and take your time. 

I am thankful for his honesty and openness to me and the explanation of a few things he gave.

It doesn't seem like he's lacking confidence because he's in a role that requires a high degree of confidence that most people aren't built for. In another post, I addressed this, but I agree with you that there's no need to put in too much effort at this point. 

For now, I'll just have to enjoy thinking of his sexy butt from afar.

Recently I lost a childhood friend unexpectedly, so I'll have my mind focused on that.

[Fox Sake]

13 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Thank you. 

I agree with the majority of what you said.

When he said he wanted to take things slowly, my first reaction was one of concern. It left me perplexed as to what to do. I'm not sure if he calls and texts so frequently because he enjoys talking to me, or if he does it for another reason while he's doing his own thing.

I could be speaking out of fear once more. Thus I must be aware of the possibility. When you really like someone, you have a feeling of disappointment because you think, "Oh, shouldn't x, y, and z happen by now?" When it doesn't, you're left feeling a little let down is all.

I remember only a month coming to the conclusion myself that when you’re questioning where you stand and you really like them, then chances are you don’t stand anywhere! 

When 2 people really like each other and have the communication and love language to match, I think you’re left just feeling on that high about the other person, without question, only excitement and positive intrigue for the future

I’ll go for some wild possibilities now. 
Could he be an ‘Orbiter’? 
Could he have started with playing a strong game and using the ‘take it slow’ thing as a power move, only to realised he didn’t need to and actually likes you? 
 
Really tho, If you have any concerns or questions that he can’t answer or comfort you in , or you’re scared of saying anything for fear of any negative reaction , then maybe think about is that something you could deal with long term? It sounds like it would destroy some of your self worth long term. Is it based off lust but missing compatibility in a form of communication or understanding? Just for introspection

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I remember only a month coming to the conclusion myself that when you’re questioning where you stand and you really like them, then chances are you don’t stand anywhere! 

When 2 people really like each other and have the communication and love language to match, I think you’re left just feeling on that high about the other person, without question, only excitement and positive intrigue for the future

I’ll go for some wild possibilities now. 
Could he be an ‘Orbiter’? 
Could he have started with playing a strong game and using the ‘take it slow’ thing as a power move, only to realised he didn’t need to and actually likes you? 
 
Really tho, If you have any concerns or questions that he can’t answer or comfort you in , or you’re scared of saying anything for fear of any negative reaction , then maybe think about is that something you could deal with long term? It sounds like it would destroy some of your self worth long term. Is it based off lust but missing compatibility in a form of communication or understanding? Just for introspection

Thanks!

Interesting perspectives, something for me to think about for sure.

He did mention something about not letting lust be the driving force.

I guess when things start off hot and heavy too fast they can burn out quicker or maybe that's what he meant by the whole "not going into it with a blindfold on." Something to that effect.

 

[Fox Sake]

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Thanks!

Interesting perspectives, something for me to think about for sure.

He did mention something about not letting lust be the driving force.

I guess when things start off hot and heavy too fast they can burn out quicker or maybe that's what he meant by the whole "not going into it with a blindfold on." Something to that effect.

 

Personally I don’t think anyone should be making conditions on a relationship at the start unless it’s a mutual thing that you both feel strongly about. That builds a bond in itself! 
Otherwise it’s kind of a kill joy to have someone else dictating the speed at which things go…why can’t they just happen they way they’re gonna happen?! 
 

He is telling you all the right things tho and making the effort to make contact. So maybe feel it all out a little longer if you’re okay to do so.  Maybe he’s just protecting himself and I kind of understand not wanting to jump into something quick but it would be nice if you knew where you stood. No one really knows what’s gonna happen around the corner! He could end up putty in your hands

[NuevoYorko]

On 12/30/2021 at 10:51 PM, 2015stayathomeWife said:

 

how about just tell your date frank out, that you don't feel he being truly genuine, so it better to part ways, so we both can move on to find someone else more suitable. 

Then the ball in his court, rather he put in more efforts to show you how genuine he is, or he go.

If she tells him that it's better to part ways, that's not putting the ball in his court.  That's the OP moving on.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Recently I lost a childhood friend unexpectedly, so I'll have my mind focused on that.

My condolences for your loss Alpaca... hope you're ok. 

Back to your situation, I agree with Fox Sake for the most part....  and to add more of my own thoughts...

I think when one (in this case you) feels they have to hold themselves back from showing/expressing interest so as to match or mirror their partner's efforts or 'perceived' level of interest, it's time to consider whether or not you should be dating this person at all.

I used to believe in that - "mirroring" - there is tons of advice about it, but not anymore.  

If I cannot be myself with a man, text him when I like, invite him to a small gathering I am hosting for FEAR of appearing like I am putting forth more effort than he, then just NEXT.

I am curious how he reacted after your party where you had invited his friends but not him.  If your family was there and you felt it too soon to introduce, no need to make a production out of it, simply say "this is [his name]" and leave it at that. They wouldn't even need to know you were dating him.  

Just my sense which could be wrong (wouldn't be the first time lol), but you do not sound relaxed, comfortable or even happy in this situationship, are you?

Uncertainty is a given but when you (or anyone) feels so much anxiety that they need to alter their behavior, style or level of interest/efforts in an attempt to keep someone around, again just next.

That is what I would do anyway and have done!  

I have actually never had a man tell me he wants to take it "slow" and if he did, I'd assume he was multi-dating, not sure how he felt about me or what he wanted.

And given most men know within 5-10 minutes of meeting a woman what he envisions happening with her (casual or serious) if I were seeking a serious relationship, I'd stop dating him. 

I did not always feel this way but I'm learning to own my own style and stay true to it and to myself, so if he were multidating and unsure how he felt about me, wanting to "take it slow" whatever that even means, it would be a next. 

Alpaca, you are an attractive woman, no doubt you have many options, no need to settle for a man who wants to "take it slow" and with whom you are forced to "think of his sexy butt from afar"  because you rarely see him. 

Jmo and good luck whatever you decide. 

 

 

 

  

 

 

[Weezy1973]

Sounds like it’s possible @Alpaca is very attracted to him, but they’re just not a good match. Often attraction confuses things. You really want to be a match because you find him so attractive, but in reality you’re not.  

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

My condolences for your loss Alpaca... hope you're ok. 

Back to your situation, I agree with Fox Sake for the most part....  and to add more of my own thoughts...

I think when one (in this case you) feels they have to hold themselves back from showing/expressing interest so as to match or mirror their partner's efforts or 'perceived' level of interest, it's time to consider whether or not you should be dating this person at all.

I used to believe in that - "mirroring" - there is tons of advice about it, but not anymore.  

If I cannot be myself with a man, text him when I like, invite him to a small gathering I am hosting for FEAR of appearing like I am putting forth more effort than he, then just NEXT.

I am curious how he reacted after your party where you had invited his friends but not him.  If your family was there and you felt it too soon to introduce, no need to make a production out of it, simply say "this is [his name]" and leave it at that. They wouldn't even need to know you were dating him.  

Just my sense which could be wrong (wouldn't be the first time lol), but you do not sound relaxed, comfortable or even happy in this situationship, are you?

Uncertainty is a given but when you (or anyone) feels so much anxiety that they need to alter their behavior, style or level of interest/efforts in an attempt to keep someone around, again just next.

That is what I would do anyway and have done!  

I have actually never had a man tell me he wants to take it "slow" and if he did, I'd assume he was multi-dating, not sure how he felt about me or what he wanted.

And given most men know within 5-10 minutes of meeting a woman what he envisions happening with her (casual or serious) if I were seeking a serious relationship, I'd stop dating him. 

I did not always feel this way but I'm learning to own my own style and stay true to it and to myself, so if he were multidating and unsure how he felt about me, wanting to "take it slow" whatever that even means, it would be a next. 

Alpaca, you are an attractive woman, no doubt you have many options, no need to settle for a man who wants to "take it slow" and with whom you are forced to "think of his sexy butt from afar"  because you rarely see him. 

Jmo and good luck whatever you decide. 

Thank you for your condolences. 

So far, I've felt like he's mirrored me more than the other way around. 

I wanted to make sure I didn't leap to conclusions. There was another date planned and we hadn't dated very long. Having some anxiety at the beginning is not unusual. Initially, I did not feel any anxiety; however, when our next date was planned so far in advance, I began to feel it. 

What may have complicated this was that I was not looking for a serious relationship when I met him. We would go on a couple dates and then that would be it. Then I realized, oh boy, I'm liking him. He had called and texted all the time in between dates, which is something I enjoyed and had looked forward to, but it was a bit much.

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Sounds like it’s possible @Alpaca is very attracted to him, but they’re just not a good match. Often attraction confuses things. You really want to be a match because you find him so attractive, but in reality you’re not.  

Yes.

Attraction can confuse things.

And, I think that's what he meant by some of the things he mentioned. 

[chillii]

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Thanks!

Interesting perspectives, something for me to think about for sure.

He did mention something about not letting lust be the driving force.

I guess when things start off hot and heavy too fast they can burn out quicker or maybe that's what he meant by the whole "not going into it with a blindfold on." Something to that effect.

 

All that's pretty simple stuff. He's well aware any lust doesn't mean much on it's own there's gotta be more to it. Things like that will only burn out if that is all there is too it .

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

So far, I've felt like he's mirrored me more than the other way around. 

OK that makes a difference.

I got the impression you had been mirroring his efforts (and why you didn't feel comfortable inviting him to your party) based on your earlier reply to something @glowsposted (below) which was the basis for my previous post: 

>I sort of agree with what @glows said about not putting in more effort if I cannot sense that he is ready or willing to do the same with me at this time. <<

So a bit confusing but it doesn't matter, I'm still pretty sick and probably not understanding things properly. 

I hope it all works out for you Alpaca, good luck!  

Edited January 2, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OK that makes a difference.

I got the impression you had been mirroring his efforts (and why you didn't feel comfortable inviting him to your party) based on your earlier reply to something @glowsposted (below) which was the basis for my previous post: 

>I sort of agree with what @glows said about not putting in more effort if I cannot sense that he is ready or willing to do the same with me at this time. <<

So a bit confusing but it doesn't matter, I'm still pretty sick and probably not understanding things properly. 

I hope it all works out for you Alpaca, good luck!  

Sorry for the confusion.

My reference was to glows' post going forward.

Friends' party has already happened. The reason I didn't extend an invitation to my friend's party was not because I wanted to mirror him, but because I had family members there and I wasn't sure if he'd be comfortable meeting them at such an early date.

Hopefully, that clarifies things a bit.

Hope you feel better!

Edited January 2, 2022 by Alpaca

[Dis]

A similar thing just happened to me

 

We dated for about 2 weeks and wow it moved fast. I think pace is what it is. I don't think it can be controlled. We feel what we feel and things propel from there. 

 

We had a misunderstanding one day over text and despite everything going really well, he got really nasty. Out of the blue. I took a few hours to think about things and then I called him and told him it wasn't okay how he spoke to me. I didn't ask him to change, of course. I know better than that. But I did say if he's a reactive person, we're not a good fit. I had an ex who was and it did a lot of damage. He apologized but after that, things really changed for me. I felt this strong need to pull away from him and I lost the warm, fuzzy feelings I had. 

 

I sent him a text a couple days later saying it's not a good fit for me but I wished him the best. 

 

And that was that. I wasn't hurt by it ending. My head was just spinning more than anything else. 

 

But yeah, if I don't want to continue to date a guy, I'll say it kindly and leave it at that. 

[Alpacalia]

23 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

Personally I don’t think anyone should be making conditions on a relationship at the start unless it’s a mutual thing that you both feel strongly about. That builds a bond in itself! 
Otherwise it’s kind of a kill joy to have someone else dictating the speed at which things go…why can’t they just happen they way they’re gonna happen?! 
 

He is telling you all the right things tho and making the effort to make contact. So maybe feel it all out a little longer if you’re okay to do so.  Maybe he’s just protecting himself and I kind of understand not wanting to jump into something quick but it would be nice if you knew where you stood. No one really knows what’s gonna happen around the corner! He could end up putty in your hands

I concur.

We have a good physical connection and seem to enjoy each other's company and get along well for the most part. 

But I don't find that we're connecting on other levels. Sometimes he'll just listen to me talk and not really say anything. I've had this experience before, and we just didn't seem to be connected on other levels.

What about the bolded? For how long will you hold out for that? Like if you're not feeling connected in other ways when do you decide to pull the plug?

 

Edited January 3, 2022 by Alpaca

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:.

What about the bolded? For how long will you hold out for that? Like if you're not feeling connected in other ways when do you decide to pull the plug?

Are you exclusive? If not, no need to pull the plug, just keep dating others. The connection with this guy might grow over time, might not. 
 

If you are exclusive I usually find that between the 3-6 month mark you tend to have a better idea of how the other person is. The “lust goggles” have come off a bit and you can better assess things…

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

 Sometimes he'll just listen to me talk and not really say anything.

Isn't that a good thing... not interrupting you??

He could be analyzing what you are saying, but he doesn't really have a response.  He may be at a loss for words on a particular subject or not know how to respond.

One of the hardest things I had to learn is... sometimes a woman just wants you to listen, she doesn't want you to fix it... just listen and acknowledge that she has been heard.

For example when my girlfriend starts complaining about her sister, I just listen.  I offer no opinion nor advice, she doesn't want me to fix it... my girlfriend just wants to be heard. (So I just listen)

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Isn't that a good thing... not interrupting you??

He could be analyzing what you are saying, but he doesn't really have a response.  He may be at a loss for words on a particular subject or not know how to respond.

One of the hardest things I had to learn is... sometimes a woman just wants you to listen, she doesn't want you to fix it... just listen and acknowledge that she has been heard.

For example when my girlfriend starts complaining about her sister, I just listen.  I offer no opinion nor advice, she doesn't want me to fix it... my girlfriend just wants to be heard. (So I just listen)

Yes, that's true.

But, we're not a couple.

In light of how often he call, among other things, one might think otherwise, but that is not the case.

It might be more a matter of analyzing what I've said. While there has been engagement on both sides when we've spoken on the phone or in person, the conversation seems to be slow to flow. Possibly he just isn't comfortable around me, I don't know.

Thanks. I'm glad your girlfriend has you to listen to her rambling. 

 

Edited January 3, 2022 by Alpaca

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Are you exclusive? If not, no need to pull the plug, just keep dating others. The connection with this guy might grow over time, might not. 
 

Thanks!

To the best of my knowledge, no.

I am curious, how does continuing to date someone and then going on to date others lead to our connection growing?

[Weezy1973]

43 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I am curious, how does continuing to date someone and then going on to date others lead to our connection growing?

Oh the connection will grow (or not) regardless of dating others. The benefit of dating others is not keeping your focus on one guy as if he’s the only option. Again keeps things in perspective.

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Oh the connection will grow (or not) regardless of dating others. The benefit of dating others is not keeping your focus on one guy as if he’s the only option. Again keeps things in perspective.

For those of us who are not multidaters and prefer to date 'one at a time,' it can have the opposite effect.   For me personally and I would imagine others who don't multidate, being out with a man to whom I am not all that attracted (as a distraction) will cause me to think about the guy I like and am attracted to more, not less.

I think one can keep things in perspective while still focusing on one man/woman at a time.  I certainly can.

Alpaca, you posted earlier your physical connection is good but you don't feel connected on other levels.

Just my experience but a great physical/sexual connection does not automatically translate to a great emotional connection.  Conversely, a great emotional connection does not always translate to a great physical connection.   In order to move forward towards an exclusive relationship, both are required.

You mentioned in one of your posts, you had not seen him in two weeks.  Did you see him on NYE, which may be the biggest date night after Valentines Day?

I think an emotional connection can grow but not if you're only seeing him once every couple of weeks or so.  

My sense from your posts is that he keeps in touch via messaging but you do not spend all that much time together in person, is this correct?  If so, to quote Wiseman, 'text-tethering' is not dating.   

However, if you are seeing him regularly (once a week at least and ideally on a weekend), then yes I think the emotional connection can grow in time.....

It's still unclear what you are seeking from this though.   Are you seeking an exclusive relationship with him or are you okay with casual?

If you only want casual, then carry on, but if you want more including more of an emotional connection, then my advice fwiw is communicate that to him, gauge his response.

He may want same but waiting for you to broach the subject first, who knows?

If you like him, it's worth a shot, you have absolutely nothing to lose imo.

Are any plans in place to see each other again?  

 

 

 

 

Edited January 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Oh the connection will grow (or not) regardless of dating others. The benefit of dating others is not keeping your focus on one guy as if he’s the only option. Again keeps things in perspective.

Well, in the past, when I've liked someone I naturally just focused on him. But last time that bit me in the buttocks.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

For those of us who are not multidaters and prefer to date 'one at a time,' it can have the opposite effect.   For me personally and I would imagine others who don't multidate, being out with a man to whom I am not all that attracted (as a distraction) will cause me to think about the guy I like and am attracted to more, not less.

People don’t multidate as a distraction. They multidate because it takes time to get to know someone well enough to move things forward. Initial attraction is fairly insignificant if one is looking for a lifetime relationship. Therefore keeping options open in the early stages even if there is attraction can be a good strategy. 
 

I know for example when I met my wife I was still dating others. I was attracted to her, but also to other women. Just being attracted didn’t mean much. As time went on she stood out because of our connection, similar senses of humour, intelligence, kindness etc. and the others all faded away. That’s how multidating works.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

My sense from your posts is that he keeps in touch via messaging but you do not spend all that much time together in person, is this correct?  If so, to quote Wiseman, 'text-tethering' is not dating.   

Yes, that Wiseman is so wise.

But to answer your question, yes, we had not spent that much time together in person. In between he'd kept in touch in between dates via actual phone calls. 

To be fair, he's done most of the calling. But I digress, calling isn't a substitute either, I suppose. 

Edited January 4, 2022 by Alpaca

[User2022]

I have sent mixed signals to a girl I really cared for (not the current. one I actually hung around with). The reason I did so was partially insecurity, partially her giving me insecurity. She said that she wanted me to hook-up, while at the same thing giving me the eyes of love. She later procceeded to try and make me jealous by interrupting our walk and hugging another guy, and then grabbed my arm when I turned and walked away, dragging her along. 

 

Sorry for the long reply but this is my inspiration to you TS. Have you been consistent with him?

Edited January 4, 2022 by User2022