How to end dating?

[Happy Lemming]

42 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Perhaps being more direct is what I should strive for in the future.

Men (at least this one) do NOT pick up on hints.  Tell us EXACTLY what you want, be direct, have our undivided attention and use small words.  Don't beat around the bush, don't use any words/phrases that are ambiguous and communicate your message -- make sure we get it "loud and clear"!!

Edited December 31, 2021 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You can just not return the calls. But you really ought to get practice at speaking some truth here, because in my experience, you will have to speak such uncomfortable truths in a great long-term relationship. 

 

Ah well, with the exception of one long term relationship, my others I had no problem with speaking my truths. 

Edited December 31, 2021 by Alpaca

[2015stayathomeWife]

ok since you give me advice on me and my husband thread, may I throw in my 2 cents opinion,

how about just tell your date frank out, that you don't feel he being truly genuine, so it better to part ways, so we both can move on to find someone else more suitable. 

Then the ball in his court, rather he put in more efforts to show you how genuine he is, or he go.

[2015stayathomeWife]

well I just read your update that he didn't make plan to see you for couple weeks, therefore you don't feel he genuine enough. Well then I have no idea. Good luck though, and update us what happened okay Ms. Alpaca.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Oh just wanted to add something: really if you're not overwhelming interested on the date, the ideal thing to do is to not hide your ambivalence. Don't hide it in your body language or in your words. So ideally, you would have already communicated to him your lack of interest of going further. End of date, he says let's do it again. Next time (if your answer isn't a screaming F YES!), then say somethign like "maybe" or "I'm not sure."  But again ideally still, that feeling would have been communicated through body language before the end of the date.

Maybe my initial tone was a bit off.

We had a first date, and I offered to chip in.

Though my interest in him wasn't lacking, I found him very attractive but I didn't really feel an underlying romantic attraction from him. We were neither touchy-feely nor overly flirtatious on the date.

When we said our goodbyes at the end of our date, I said, "I'll see you at a function we're attending in a few weeks.". However, he texted me shortly after to make sure I got home safely and to let me know how he had an enjoyable evening. After that, we started dating.

28 minutes ago, 2015stayathomeWife said:

well I just read your update that he didn't make plan to see you for couple weeks, therefore you don't feel he genuine enough. Well then I have no idea. Good luck though, and update us what happened okay Ms. Alpaca.

Okay.

I will, thank you! 

[Beachead]

@Alpaca

On 12/30/2021 at 8:23 AM, Alpaca said:

What's the best way to tell someone you no longer wish to continue seeing them?

Is it okay to just stop responding to their phone calls after say a few dates with them if you're not in an exclusive or committed relationship? 

I'd just go with direct and honest because regardless of how well you plan out your speech or how delicately you try to ween yourself out of it, it'll still hurt them.  Being direct and honest might be blunt, but it's clean, and I think the person will respect you for it in the long run.  Even if they don't and are upset, their friends and family might snap some sense into them, that you did the right thing there, assuming everyone on that side is reasonable. 

Nobody respects wishy washy, flaky behaviour or ghosting.

- Beach

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@Alpaca

I'd just go with direct and honest because regardless of how well you plan out your speech or how delicately you try to ween yourself out of it, it'll still hurt them.  Being direct and honest might be blunt, but it's clean, and I think the person will respect you for it in the long run.  Even if they don't and are upset, their friends and family might snap some sense into them, that you did the right thing there, assuming everyone on that side is reasonable. 

Nobody respects wishy washy, flaky behaviour or ghosting.

- Beach

Frankly, I had not seen him for a couple of weeks, and then it will be going on close to 4 weeks (and I did/would have a weekend here and there in between with no plans which he knew about).

In my opinion, that is a flaky behavior. 

Edited December 31, 2021 by Alpaca

[Weezy1973]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Though my interest in him wasn't lacking, I found him very attractive but I didn't really feel an underlying romantic attraction from him.

So you’re interested in him but you want to end dating out of fear he isn’t interested in you? 
 

If so, I’d just start dating others and wait and see. No need to end things out of fear. And  in the meantime you could meet someone else you’re attracted to.

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

In my opinion, that is a flaky behavior. 

The holidays are a weird time (to try) to start to date someone.  Holiday parties with friends.  Holiday functions with family. All of the gift giving, driving all around, throw into the mix the pandemic and trying to get a booster shot and the days get really confusing.

Personally, I'd give him a pass for December "flakiness"... Now if in January, he doesn't seem to get his act together (after you communicate what you want in a dating relationship) then (at that point) release him back into the pond.

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

Frankly, I had not seen him for a couple of weeks, and then it will be going on close to 4 weeks (and I did/would have a weekend here and there in between with no plans which he knew about).

In my opinion, that is a flaky behavior. 

The way this date closed said you weren’t interested by saying I’ll see you at event X a month later.

 

also…try not to make judgement on first meeting. If there was no red flags or things that violated minimum requirements you should have at least a second date and then decide.

 

pre OLD peopleactually net and interacted a bit before being asked on a first date. It was very very rare fir people to meet face to face and then 2 hrs later kiss and make out.

 

 

[Johnjohnson2017]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

So you’re interested in him but you want to end dating out of fear he isn’t interested in you? 
 

If so, I’d just start dating others and wait and see. No need to end things out of fear. And  in the meantime you could meet someone else you’re attracted to.

I agree with Weezy1973.

If you are attracted to the guy and find him interesting, why would you proactively dump him? I am assuming you are not in an exclusive relationship with him. You are allowed to multidate and he is too I assume? 

If somehow you eventually learn something that really turned you off about him (like finding out he is a player, not looking for serious relationship), then dump him. Who knows, maybe someday this might become a budding romance where neither of you can stay away from each other for more than a day.

[Trail Blazer]

If you no longer wish to see someone, the only decent way to end it is to tell them.  Even if you've only been on a handful of dates, it's not cool to just ghost. 

However, if the effort drop off from both parties and you end up "slow fading" one another, then it's not really considered ghosting in that respect.

I guess it comes down to how into you the other person is.  It doesn't sound like this guy is going all out to retain you, so he's seemingly not that interested, either.

To be on the safe side, you can just flick him a message and tell him that you're no longer interested in pursuing things further and wish him the best moving forward.

[Alpacalia]

Thanks everyone for the additional comments.

While we haven't seen each other, he's called and texted several times throughout the day. Since day one, we have called several times during the day in between dates. As everyone says, just ending communication completely isn't the best way to deal with it, especially when it involves someone I grew fond of. 

In any case, I agree with that it is best not to let fear drive the ship.

Maybe a couple deep breaths into a paper bag and will make me feel better (haha).

 

[Happy Lemming]

8 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

...especially when it involves someone I grew fond of.

If you have grown fond of him, keep the January date and tell him that.  Tell him you'd like to advance the dating relationship and see more of him.  Who knows... he might be ready to do the same.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

If you have grown fond of him, keep the January date and tell him that.  Tell him you'd like to advance the dating relationship and see more of him.  Who knows... he might be ready to do the same.

Yes.

I think a wait and see approach may be more appropriate.

Thanks everyone!

 

[Alpacalia]

I had another thought.

I hosted a farewell dinner party for a female friend moving away. I invited a few of the person I'm dating friends because I know them from a class that I am taking, but I didn't invite the person I'm dating because some of my family will be there.

What do you think about that?  

We've only been dating a short time so I wasn't sure if inviting him seemed appropriate.

[Fox Sake]

On 12/30/2021 at 1:23 PM, Alpaca said:

What's the best way to tell someone you no longer wish to continue seeing them?

Is it okay to just stop responding to their phone calls after say a few dates with them if you're not in an exclusive or committed relationship? 

Good post! For me it’s definitely be upfront and honest. If there isn’t chemistry then I’ll just say. It usually gets met with hurt or anger but I think it’s better than just ignoring someone and doing the slow fade. They’ll appreciate the honesty in hindsight. 
Despite hurting someone’s feelings , it’s better to be honest than to leave someone guessing and possibly tearing up parts of themselves that were absolutely fine. 

Personally, It takes guts to be honest with someone. It takes a coward to fade away cos they don’t want the drama or guilt. Little do they realise that the truth sets you free. It brings you self honour. 

Being ghosted isn’t very nice. I’m a big believer in karma too. I never saw the point in ghosting someone. Having had it done to me before, it can cause a lot of hurt and confusion for an extended period of time. It also makes the ghoster look emotionally immature.
 

It doesn’t matter if it’s a few dates or a relationship. The kindest and most emotionally mature way (IMO) is to be honest, yet compassionate to their disappointment and hurt (unless the wronged you big time) For example - if there isn’t attraction there on my part, I’ll just say the chemistry isn’t there. Then they are free to get over the thought of me. It’s the kindest way and I appreciate the same treatment.

[BaileyB]

On 12/30/2021 at 7:23 AM, Alpaca said:

What's the best way to tell someone you no longer wish to continue seeing them?

Is it okay to just stop responding to their phone calls after say a few dates with them if you're not in an exclusive or committed relationship? 

No, just tell him that you have thought about it and decided that you don’t think it will work out. It’s vague, it doesn’t require a long discussion, but it’s clear and direct. 

Having been on a few dates with the individual, that means that you shouldn’t just fade away. You owe them the consideration to tell them you have made another decision. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I had another thought.

I hosted a farewell dinner party for a female friend moving away. I invited a few of the person I'm dating friends because I know them from a class that I am taking, but I didn't invite the person I'm dating because some of my family will be there.

What do you think about that?  

We've only been dating a short time so I wasn't sure if inviting him seemed appropriate.

That’s fine. It’s early days. The farewell party is for your female friend. I would think the party would have all the individuals she would like there.

The occasion isn’t about you or this guy especially considering you were just contemplating letting him go a few days ago. 

I prefer living an inspired and motivated life. I like being around individuals with their own energy and warmth. Keep reminding yourself what you want out of your life. If he’s not a match that’s ok too. Eventually you’ll drop him. For now he appears thoughtful and there’s another date planned so see how it goes. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I hosted a farewell dinner party for a female friend moving away. I invited a few of the person I'm dating friends because I know them from a class that I am taking, but I didn't invite the person I'm dating.

Hi Alpaca, Happy New Year. 

To your question, try flipping this around, that's what I always do when contemplating on a situation.

How would you feel if the man you've been dating was hosting a party, and invited a few of your friends, but did not invite you?

Would this not bother you, hurt you?  It wouid me, very much so.  

I think it's fine if you don't wish to invite the man you've been dating, since you just started dating him and it's casual. 

But to invite his friends and not him?  I dunno, I cannot imagine that will go off well no matter how you slice and dice. 

Jmo, I'm not the man you've been dating and he may be okay with it. 

 

Edited January 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

22 minutes ago, glows said:

That’s fine. It’s early days. The farewell party is for your female friend. I would think the party would have all the individuals she would like there.

The occasion isn’t about you or this guy especially considering you were just contemplating letting him go a few days ago. 

I prefer living an inspired and motivated life. I like being around individuals with their own energy and warmth. Keep reminding yourself what you want out of your life. If he’s not a match that’s ok too. Eventually you’ll drop him. For now he appears thoughtful and there’s another date planned so see how it goes. 

Yes, that makes sense.

It's just that I wasn't sure how it might have made him feel being on the receiving end.

To your point about me contemplating calling it off. I was considering if it would be best to call it off based on some things he mentioned to me.

During one of our conversations he was kind of asking who I was out with which I told him of course. Then I asked him why our next date was so far out, and he told me he did not want to go into the relationship blindly. 

That was a little confusing to me, so I asked him what he meant. He replied that he meant going slow when dating.  Which surprised me when I consider how often and frequently he has been calling and texting from the first time we met until now, and how regular our dates have been up to this point. 

I want to respond to the other posts too but I just wanted to point this out for clarification.

 

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, that makes sense.

It's just that I wasn't sure how it might have made him feel being on the receiving end.

To your point about me contemplating calling it off. I was considering if it would be best to call it off based on some things he mentioned to me.

During one of our conversations he was kind of asking who I was out with which I told him of course. Then I asked him why our next date was so far out, and he told me he did not want to go into the relationship blindly. 

That was a little confusing to me, so I asked him what he meant. He replied that he meant going slow when dating.  Which surprised me when I consider how often and frequently he has been calling and texting from the first time we met until now, and how regular our dates have been up to this point. 

I want to respond to the other posts too but I just wanted to point this out for clarification.

 

“Did not want to go into the relationship blindly” reads as fear or hesitancy related to a time when he might have done so or gone into relationships blindly. It also means he doesn’t trust himself fully.

Perhaps he was a little defensive with your questions and ability to be vulnerable. It would likely get a raised eyebrow from me but wouldn’t pay too much attention this early. I can’t be around excessively nervous people or lack of confidence when dating so whether this fades out or not trust in yourself later on down the line.

If anything enjoying the party without him seems more of a reality. What if he reads into it? Don’t worry about putting more effort into someone when you don’t sense he/she is ready or ok to do the same with you just yet. It’s ok I think to wait for next date and enjoy your time together but I’d still observe each other and take your time. 

[todreaminblue]

I feel you should end it like you would want someone to end it with you

 

for me..

if a guy wants to dump me i would prefer they do it with honesty, no deceit , with compassion and empathy,

ghosting not answering a phone call or email or text to me is not compassion or empathy...or really is it honest i feel....because its avoidant ..the last two relationships i have ended have been honest and compassionate...i would hope a guy i dated had similar beliefs on how to handle relationships such as dating......the last relationship i ended , the man passed away last year i have only good thoughts towards him and feel no guilt....our lifestyles and beliefs were not compatible.....

 

i like living my  life that way.....without regret...knowing that i did not contribute to that man who passed away any ill. but left him with good thoughts and confidence in himself

 

another bf i had when i was younger contacted me and i apologised to him for the way i felt i had treated him at times he didnt deserve....he told me he only ever remembered the fun and good times we had together so i was really happy to hear that and the fact he was happily married with children.....

 

i believe when you end relationships or dating relationships you should be kind......because kindness works as does honesty....

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Alpaca, Happy New Year. 

To your question, try flipping this around, that's what I always do when contemplating on a situation.

How would you feel if the man you've been dating was hosting a party, and invited a few of your friends, but did not invite you?

Would this not bother you, hurt you?  It wouid me, very much so.  

I think it's fine if you don't wish to invite the man you've been dating, since you just started dating him and it's casual. 

But to invite his friends and not him?  I dunno, I cannot imagine that will go off well no matter how you slice and dice. 

Jmo, I'm not the man you've been dating and he may be okay with it. 

 

Thanks.

Yes, I agree with you, it's like trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes. His friends are friends with my friend I threw a going away party for while the man I'm dating is not. He has already met some of my friends through a separate event I organized. I thought it was too soon for him to meet some of my family members. And I hadn't met any of his family or friends yet.

Likewise, I sort of agree with what @glows said about not putting in more effort if I cannot sense that he is ready or willing to do the same with me at this time. 

As well, happy New Years to you.

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

Good post! For me it’s definitely be upfront and honest. If there isn’t chemistry then I’ll just say. It usually gets met with hurt or anger but I think it’s better than just ignoring someone and doing the slow fade. They’ll appreciate the honesty in hindsight. 
Despite hurting someone’s feelings , it’s better to be honest than to leave someone guessing and possibly tearing up parts of themselves that were absolutely fine. 

Personally, It takes guts to be honest with someone. It takes a coward to fade away cos they don’t want the drama or guilt. Little do they realise that the truth sets you free. It brings you self honour. 

Being ghosted isn’t very nice. I’m a big believer in karma too. I never saw the point in ghosting someone. Having had it done to me before, it can cause a lot of hurt and confusion for an extended period of time. It also makes the ghoster look emotionally immature.
 

It doesn’t matter if it’s a few dates or a relationship. The kindest and most emotionally mature way (IMO) is to be honest, yet compassionate to their disappointment and hurt (unless the wronged you big time) For example - if there isn’t attraction there on my part, I’ll just say the chemistry isn’t there. Then they are free to get over the thought of me. It’s the kindest way and I appreciate the same treatment.

Thank you. 

I agree with the majority of what you said.

When he said he wanted to take things slowly, my first reaction was one of concern. It left me perplexed as to what to do. I'm not sure if he calls and texts so frequently because he enjoys talking to me, or if he does it for another reason while he's doing his own thing.

I could be speaking out of fear once more. Thus I must be aware of the possibility. When you really like someone, you have a feeling of disappointment because you think, "Oh, shouldn't x, y, and z happen by now?" When it doesn't, you're left feeling a little let down is all.

Edited January 2, 2022 by Alpaca