How to end dating?

[Alpacalia]

What's the best way to tell someone you no longer wish to continue seeing them?

Is it okay to just stop responding to their phone calls after say a few dates with them if you're not in an exclusive or committed relationship? 

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

What's the best way to tell someone you no longer wish to continue seeing them?

Is it okay to just stop responding to their phone calls after say a few dates with them if you're not in an exclusive or committed relationship? 

When I was single that is the way I always did it.  Don't know if it's right or wrong tbh.

[Blind-Sided]

I think "Ghosting" is wrong. But just don't ask them out again... take longer to respond... don't lie if they ask questions... and if they ask you out, just say "I don't think this is working out."

[Gaeta]

If the man I am dating has a fishy attitude, if I question his interest in me, I will simply stop replying.

If I feel he is genuine in his interest and it's me lacking interest I will gently let him know. 

I went on 2 dates with this gentleman last month, I really didn't feel it, but I could tell his interest was genuine, I could not just ignore him, even if my interest wasn't there he was someone I respected. 

[introverted1]

Assuming the guy isn't a creep, I will let him know that I don't think we're a match.  Ghosting seems rude, especially if it's just a matter of incompatibility.  Do unto others and all that...

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

What's the best way to tell someone you no longer wish to continue seeing them?

It depends, but simple, brief and kind is best...Or this approach:

 

[Mrin]

Well I think it all depends on effort. If the other party is putting in effort then a short "I'm not feeling it and don't want to continue" phone call is in order. But if there's no effort or minimal effort then yeah... Just stop responding.

[Alpacalia]

I don't know if he's being genuine, that's the problem.

The effort is definitely there on his part but I feel like I'm getting mixed signals.

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

I don't know if he's being genuine, that's the problem.

The effort is definitely there on his part but I feel like I'm getting mixed signals.

Can you elaborate?? (Genuine??)

Is he planning nice dates??  Is he fun to talk to?? Is he putting forth the effort for your dates (dresses nice, shaved, etc.)

If you really don't want to see him again, personally I prefer a quick phone call or text with the "I don't think we are compatible" line.  I really don't like the whole "ghosting" thing.  I always hating waiting around for a return phone call that was never coming.

I also never really cared about the reason given for "breaking up" or "no longer continuing to date", but it is nice to know; so I can move on and try for my "next" person.

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Can you elaborate?? (Genuine??)

Is he planning nice dates??  Is he fun to talk to?? Is he putting forth the effort for your dates (dresses nice, shaved, etc.)

If you really don't want to see him again, personally I prefer a quick phone call or text with the "I don't think we are compatible" line.  I really don't like the whole "ghosting" thing.  I always hating waiting around for a return phone call that was never coming.

I also never really cared about the reason given for "breaking up" or "no longer continuing to date", but it is nice to know; so I can move on and try for my "next" person.

Genuine intentions. 

Well, he's been kind of letting me plan the dates. Groomed? Yes, lol, very much indeed. But he's been doing most of the calling, texting, driving to see me, etc. Game me flowers a few dates in. He's a bit quiet and reserved otherwise.

Mixed signals I am getting are because I haven't seen him in a couple weeks, but to be fair, I have not been available really either (i.e. school, work, friends, family stuff).

He did mention briefly about a date he had planned out in advance but it's only after I kind of nudged him about it.

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

What's the best way to tell someone you no longer wish to continue seeing them?

Is it okay to just stop responding to their phone calls after say a few dates with them if you're not in an exclusive or committed relationship? 

No, please don't ghost him. Ghosting someone is rude and heartless. There are situations where ghosting is warranted. Like he did or said something inappropriate or racist, pushed too hard for sex after you said no, was rude to a waitstaff, kicked a puppy, etc... But in a majority of cases there is no need to ghost somebody. If you don't feel this is going anywhere, don't keep him out of the loop. Send him a short standard message that he is a nice person, blah, blah, blah, but you don't feel a chemistry. You don't need to do a phonecall after only a handful of dates if you don't feel comfortable delivering news  over the phone and hearing a disappointment in his voice. 

 

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

Genuine intentions. 

Well, he's been kind of letting me plan the dates. Groomed? Yes, lol, very much indeed. But he's been doing most of the calling, texting, driving to see me, etc. Game me flowers a few dates in. He's a bit quiet and reserved otherwise.

Mixed signals I am getting are because I haven't seen him in a couple weeks, but to be fair, I have not been available really either (i.e. school, work, friends, family stuff).

He did mention briefly about a date he had planned out in advance but it's only after I kind of nudged him about it.

It's very much possible he is multidating. The more people you jungle around, the less effort you put into getting to know any of them. Just my two cents. Having said that, if you feel that if this could lead to something more, why not put more effort into it yourself. If he feels that you are "that" busy, he is probably going to back off and stop planning and asking you out at some point. It may or may not work out after all, but at least you can say that you have tried.

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

What's the best way to tell someone you no longer wish to continue seeing them?

Is it okay to just stop responding to their phone calls after say a few dates with them if you're not in an exclusive or committed relationship? 

Well that's ghosting.  Most of us here have probably done it but there are usually better ways to end it.

Just go with a normal excuse that people use to make the dumpee feel better about themselves, say you're not in a place to be in a relationship or to date right now.

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Genuine intentions. 

Well, he's been kind of letting me plan the dates.

 

OK... Maybe its me, but I kind of feel like its the male that should plan the dates and put in the effort.  I always did. (especially in the early parts of dating)  I mean if there was some event and the woman really wanted to go to it, sure... definitely tell me about it and we'll go, but just an average date/activity, that is on me to plan, etc.

6 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Mixed signals I am getting are because I haven't seen him in a couple weeks, but to be fair, I have not been available really either (i.e. school, work, friends, family stuff).

 

As a general rule, I try to see the woman at least once a week when I start the dating process.  If the woman has other commitments, give me your schedule and let me try to plan something around it.  A couple of weeks is a long time!!

9 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

 Game me flowers a few dates in.

I do like this though, I was always told try not to show up "empty handed" when going someplace. 

11 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

He did mention briefly about a date he had planned out in advance but it's only after I kind of nudged him about it.

Yes... sorry... You shouldn't have to "nudge" him.  He should want to see you and should suggest items for dates/activities, etc.  You are free to say "that activity isn't my cup of tea" and suggest something else, but he should be throwing ideas for dates out there.  And not just going out to dinner, there should be some activity to go along with it...  something fun (a festival, art walk, comedy club, something)

[mark clemson]

To my mind there are four main methods -

• Ghost
• Slow fade
• Breakup conversation/communication
• Wreck the relationship (so that they decide to leave you)

Each has advantages and disadvantages. If both partners are emotionally mature, a breakup conversation is polite and provides some level of early "closure". While I think most people can handle a breakup with aplomb, we all know that the % who can't tend to make it memorable for us (in a bad way) to at least some extent.

As noted, ghosting feels rude, but it can send a definitive message. Slow fade feels more gentle, but at the cost of stringing the other person along for a bit. I think emotionally mature and kindhearted people have little interest in the "wreck the relationship" approach (and it can also take longer than planned), but there are certainly those who attempt it.

So, you'll need to pick your poison. There's really no guarantee of a low-drama/non-problematic outcome whichever way you go. One can always try to be reasonably kind and respectful towards the other and hope for the best.

[Weezy1973]

“I’ve enjoyed getting to know you but don’t feel we’re a match. All the best and good luck in your search.”

That was always my go to. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Genuine intentions. 

Well, he's been kind of letting me plan the dates. Groomed? Yes, lol, very much indeed. But he's been doing most of the calling, texting, driving to see me, etc. Game me flowers a few dates in. He's a bit quiet and reserved otherwise.

Mixed signals I am getting are because I haven't seen him in a couple weeks, but to be fair, I have not been available really either (i.e. school, work, friends, family stuff).

He did mention briefly about a date he had planned out in advance but it's only after I kind of nudged him about it.

Are you truly intending on not having any communication and moving on with your lives? Or is this an attempt to get him to wake up and put in more effort? If you aren't interested just let him know you'd prefer to cancel the date, let him know you are not a match and wish each other well. 

I can't tell from your posts whether you are wistful that this isn't going anywhere and still hopeful, wanting to see where it goes, or whether you are truly ready to let go. 

[Alpacalia]

I appreciate everyone's help.

As I said in the original post, I started this thread because I felt like it wasn't going anywhere and I was receiving mixed signals. We had only been on a handful of dates and maybe I was a little more hopeful to see more progress after a certain point. 

It was difficult to make sense of some verbal exchanges that we had too. My thought is that he is backing off a bit but I can't be 100% sure.

Nevertheless, there are several helpful comments here that I want to digest, so thank you. 

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Is it okay to just stop responding to their phone calls after say a few dates with them if you're not in an exclusive or committed relationship? 

One that I always remember during my various dating struggles (with the odd success too of course!)- was after four reasonable dates, she just blanked me nothing,

I always said I deserved a phone call at least or even a text message!!

 

[Interstellar]

I send them a TON of messages a day “confessing” my love to them. i tell her how much i miss her, how i lie awake thinking of her all the time, how my soul cries out her name whenever i think of her, i send them love poems, cute memes, talk about the future constantly, and i also use the term “soul mates” all the time, just really over the top dramatic bulls**t, that’s so sweet it’s enough to give anyone diabetes. basically, love bomb them.  she’s so sick of me that she’d have no choice but to cry out for “space.” 

Edited December 30, 2021 by Interstellar

[glows]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I appreciate everyone's help.

As I said in the original post, I started this thread because I felt like it wasn't going anywhere and I was receiving mixed signals. We had only been on a handful of dates and maybe I was a little more hopeful to see more progress after a certain point. 

It was difficult to make sense of some verbal exchanges that we had too. My thought is that he is backing off a bit but I can't be 100% sure.

Nevertheless, there are several helpful comments here that I want to digest, so thank you. 

It's awful being on the receiving end of this. You did mention that you were busy too so I'm not sure also why not wait until after the date in the new year. Could he have been busy with family arrangements or having family from out of town, himself traveling? These days it's difficult to tell and each day there is something new happening, especially with Covid.

However if you're really not feeling this and it's progressing too slowly, free yourself to find someone else who may make you happy.

Edited December 30, 2021 by glows

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, glows said:

It's awful being on the receiving end of this. You did mention that you were busy too so I'm not sure also why not wait until after the date in the new year. Could he have been busy with family arrangements or having family from out of town, himself traveling? These days it's difficult to tell and each day there is something new happening, especially with Covid.

However if you're really not feeling this and it's progressing too slowly, free yourself to find someone else who may make you happy.

Yes, it's always challenging to embrace the uncertainty period.

I could wait until after the new year.

No, he had no other plans that I am aware of. It was me that's been more so not free for plans. 

I mean the date he had planned in advance is to one of my favorite things which shows that he put thought into it which makes he me think that he does care. 

[Ami1uwant]

11 hours ago, Alpaca said:

What's the best way to tell someone you no longer wish to continue seeing them?

Is it okay to just stop responding to their phone calls after say a few dates with them if you're not in an exclusive or committed relationship? 

Here is a question for you…

 

is it obvious you two are very different?   If so this can be easily told to him and he’d respect that.  
 

he will want an explanation if this has gotten a few dates limping to at least learn something from this is he did do something wrong.

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I mean the date he had planned in advance is to one of my favorite things which shows that he put thought into it which makes he me think that he does care. 

So go out on this date (that he planned) and communicate your needs. 

He may "step up" his game, after you tell him what you consider dating and what you like (when it comes to dating).

I was dating this one woman who I thought had a very demanding job, so I never tried to go out with her during the week.  Well I was wrong, what I thought was demanding was quite simple/easy for her.  One day, she asked me why I never tried to see her during the week -- after she cleared up my incorrect perception of her job, we started getting together during the week. This made us both happy!!

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Here is a question for you…

 

is it obvious you two are very different?   If so this can be easily told to him and he’d respect that.  
 

he will want an explanation if this has gotten a few dates limping to at least learn something from this is he did do something wrong.

Are we different?

Probably.

My feelings are not always the easiest to express verbally, and I haven't really talked with him about those up to this point.

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

So go out on this date (that he planned) and communicate your needs. 

He may "step up" his game, after you tell him what you consider dating and what you like (when it comes to dating).

I was dating this one woman who I thought had a very demanding job, so I never tried to go out with her during the week.  Well I was wrong, what I thought was demanding was quite simple/easy for her.  One day, she asked me why I never tried to see her during the week -- after she cleared up my incorrect perception of her job, we started getting together during the week. This made us both happy!!

Perhaps being more direct is what I should strive for in the future. The way I expressed myself when I asked him about our next date was not the best one and might have come across as unnecessarily brash. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You can just not return the calls. But you really ought to get practice at speaking some truth here, because in my experience, you will have to speak such uncomfortable truths in a great long-term relationship. 

Just say you like him but you've thought about it and you don't feel like you two are a romantic match. Then wish him luck.

Now a factor here is how fun the dates have been. If you've had a blast on the dates but just decided he's not your type for dating, then the more shocked he will be. That's fine. And you don't owe anyone an explanation. 

If the dates were mediocre, then telling the truth should be a lot easier. But really I suggest you do this because in the best of committed relationships, you have to tell the other person that you don't love their mother, that you don't like a certain sexual position, that their temper bothers you, that you don't like the way they do all kinds of things. So take the easy way out (not returning calls) if you want, but know that you are weakening your ability to speak up and speak out clearly in a serious relationship. 

And keep in mind, that in dating, there is no "fairness" outside of avoiding blatant lies and physical harms. He knows the risk. Dating is risky. We don't know the other person will like us. That's OK, and that's fair. So lose the "feeling sorry" or the "want to not hurt" the other person stuff. Lose all of that. 

It's funny: in the "old days" not getting a return call was a clear expression of disterest. And I don't ever remember anyone complaining about being "ghosted" (even using other language of the time). You realized that they aren't calling you back and you got your answer: no interest. And that was considered quite clear and not humiliating or embarrassing.

But thank God, we didn't do all this foolish texting, so we didn't get so invested so quickly.

Oh just wanted to add something: really if you're not overwhelming interested on the date, the ideal thing to do is to not hide your ambivalence. Don't hide it in your body language or in your words. So ideally, you would have already communicated to him your lack of interest of going further. End of date, he says let's do it again. Next time (if your answer isn't a screaming F YES!), then say somethign like "maybe" or "I'm not sure."  But again ideally still, that feeling would have been communicated through body language before the end of the date. 

 

Edited December 31, 2021 by Lotsgoingon