Friend Zoned After First Date

December 31, 2021

16 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

@ExpatInItaly yes I agree but that means he wasn’t truthful about being friends.

And he probably wasn't.

It was likely said just to soften the blow of letting you down.

December 31, 2021

Only one week of messaging- that's not much of an investment for a dude to get sex with a strange woman. There are most likely LOTS of women whom he plays with the way he did you. Did he at least pay for dinner?

I only say this because it seems he's probably good at this game and if you liked him a lot and "fell" for him right away most other women do, too. He comes across as a cute guy who likes good music and can connect with strange women easily; he's probably got good game and you're not the only one he's pulled this "poor me I'm not over my ex but thanks for the fun night" BS with.

I see it soooo many times on this board: girl meets cute guy online, she connects with him in such a special way, then he only wants to be friends, ghosts, or offers FWB because he's got a lot of other women who are "connecting" with him, too.

It's not a special connection he is just good with women. Come on our grandmothers warned us about these types! This game isn't new to men.

In the future when it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Only offer up sex if you are ok with them being gone the next day. You did not know this person at all, he just knows women and online dating for these types is like shooting fish in a barrel.

December 31, 2021

6 hours ago, Emmylou_H said:

@Versacehottie. Weird that he messaged the same day I left his place, he didn’t take any time to pause and reflect on what happened.

Unfortunately it seems like a rehearsed and often used speech he sends after one night stands.

Don't take it personally. It may be a document he has handy, changing a few words here and there, that he shoots out before the bed is even cold.

If he wanted a relationship, sex or no sex on the first date wouldn't matter.

It's okay to scratch an inch. One night stands are okay too.

Not every encounter needs to end up in a relationship. That's ok too.

Don't give him a second thought. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Move forward in peace.

December 31, 2021

13 hours ago, Emmylou_H said:

@ExpatInItaly yes I agree but that means he wasn’t truthful about being friends.

But what does friends mean to you?

I have like 3 true friends in this world, but other people I know seem to think they have 20-30 friends. When I hear someone say "let's be friends" then I typically think that means "friendly" and not that you're going to hang out all the time and talk daily. The latter is what I consider friend behavior, and very few people meet that standard.

In any event, it doesn't sound like your emotions are too raw right now to be friends with him, so I would just avoid communication. If he contacts you just be upfront, tell him you're not able to be friends and you wish him the best. Honesty is the best policy IMO. I don't agree with burning bridges with people though. You never know when you might need them.

Edited December 31, 2021 by dramafreezone

December 31, 2021

@Versacehottie thank you for breaking it down for me. What you are saying about my standards and how I jump the gun makes perfect sense and your advice is really helpful for me. I have read your post a couple of times to allow it to sink in. One thing I internalize when reading is that I really blew this and to be honest this person is someone I would be friends with because we seemed to have so many common interests and a similar perspective on the world. But I don’t think that can realistically happen now. And I can’t be the one to reach out and explain how I feel because I don’t want to compromise my integrity. One thing that bothers me is that I asked him his intentions before the date and it wasn’t much different than what he is saying post-date, only that he made it seem like he was open to possibilities of a deeper connection. He said he considers himself a “loser in love” and that he feels really deeply about things, almost too much at times. And that was essentially what I told him too and we seemed to really connect on that. So I guess I felt comfortable with him and that is why I let my guard down when we hung out. But I’m kicking myself for getting intoxicated because I couldn’t keep my wall up and protect myself. I feel like I made a fool of myself. And I can’t stop wondering if he is thinking about me at all because I fail to believe he didn’t feel something, too. I know I should be empowering myself but it’s hard when you feel like you keep f’ing up things that could be really good if you just let them organically play out.

December 31, 2021

16 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why does the keep happening? We see it here all the time. Girls agreeing to no relationship and then BOOM - "why isn't he texting me?" - um, because he's not your boyfriend.

Because we women often lie to ourselves in these situations. We think we can change his mind to want what we want if we can only convince him how "special" our connection is, given enough time.

The majority of women also cannot separate great sex from emotions - there might as well be a cord between our vaginas and our hearts. And we think that if men can do it, we should be able to as well.

So, we agree to these situationships where it really only benefits the man, with an ulterior motive, and think we can sex our way into a man's heart.

December 31, 2021

@Versacehottieone thing I should add is that also before the date he said he is afraid to show people how he feels out of fear they he will be taken advantage of by others for being vulnerable. Which is ironically how I feel now.

December 31, 2021

15 hours ago, Emmylou_H said:

Weird that he messaged the same day I left his place, he didn’t take any time to pause and reflect on what happened so it must have not been good for him?

eh....idk, he probably again felt like you were way too eager. Also if you talked pretty regularly leading up to the moment, as you said you did, now he has to reset your expectations. It didn't take you but a moment to decide that you really liked him, why wouldn't it take him but a moment he doesn't want a relationship right now? He might have already been thinking that the WHOLE time he was talking to you or even when he put himself on the app--probably very likely so!! Doesn't mean he isn't willing to try it out and see how ready he is, what person matches with his current status of what he wants...

Again, I think you are focusing wayyyyyy tooo much on him and what's going on in his brain. That kind of thinking always puts you in a secondary position. What I think is valuable if anything to take away from his actions or what he said is that: not everyone processes information and their feelings exactly the same way. So you are sort of seeing what happened and what was said only through the lens of what you would do and how you would process it, such as how long he must reflect on the potential relationship before sending you the friend message.

Totally possible that it wasn't good for him. Another reason to wait longer before you let someone in in this way. Emotions are naturally not going to be as involved as if you had been on several dates together and both of you were more and more into each other emotionally. You're into him emotionally from phone calls etc and seems like you attach easily once you choose and he's still broken from his ex emotionally.

Sorry, wiseman i think it's highly unlikely that he had a cut and paste thing ready to send with the friend speech. Anything is possible but I doubt that's what happened in this case.

December 31, 2021

@Versacehottie when you say it’s totally possible it wasn’t good for him, I wonder if you could elaborate? Thank you

December 31, 2021

11 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

@Versacehottie thank you for breaking it down for me. What you are saying about my standards and how I jump the gun makes perfect sense and your advice is really helpful for me. I have read your post a couple of times to allow it to sink in. One thing I internalize when reading is that I really blew this and to be honest this person is someone I would be friends with because we seemed to have so many common interests and a similar perspective on the world. But I don’t think that can realistically happen now. And I can’t be the one to reach out and explain how I feel because I don’t want to compromise my integrity. One thing that bothers me is that I asked him his intentions before the date and it wasn’t much different than what he is saying post-date, only that he made it seem like he was open to possibilities of a deeper connection. He said he considers himself a “loser in love” and that he feels really deeply about things, almost too much at times. And that was essentially what I told him too and we seemed to really connect on that. So I guess I felt comfortable with him and that is why I let my guard down when we hung out. But I’m kicking myself for getting intoxicated because I couldn’t keep my wall up and protect myself. I feel like I made a fool of myself. And I can’t stop wondering if he is thinking about me at all because I fail to believe he didn’t feel something, too. I know I should be empowering myself but it’s hard when you feel like you keep f’ing up things that could be really good if you just let them organically play out.

Everything he has said feels manipulative to me - "a loser in love" and "I feel too much" - those are all things that of course as a woman you think he says because they apply to you. Don't spend any more time hashing it out in your mind, there is nothing to understand. He's just got great game.

Edited December 31, 2021 by Allupinnit

December 31, 2021

6 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

@Versacehottieone thing I should add is that also before the date he said he is afraid to show people how he feels out of fear they he will be taken advantage of by others for being vulnerable. Which is ironically how I feel now.

Yeah see? He's already setting up the challenge for you right there. Because I'm sure you were thinking "BUT YOU CAN WITH ME!"

Next time don't message non-stop before meeting up - he created a false intimacy between you that resulted in him getting laid.

December 31, 2021

Just now, Emmylou_H said:

@Versacehottieone thing I should add is that also before the date he said he is afraid to show people how he feels out of fear they he will be taken advantage of by others for being vulnerable. Which is ironically how I feel now.

Ehhhh, it seems like you are trying to draw connections where there aren't any necessarily. The bolded statement could apply to anyone and everyone multiple times a day about 100 different things. We all probably worry about this. In a relationship or dating context, it just reinforces that he's not ready. People take the leap of being vulnerable when they are ready and compelled to in order to gain access to the person they are dating. I know I sound like a broken record: but stop trying to figure him out.

As far as you being vulnerable, what would you do differently if anything the next time you are excited about some guy? That's what you should focus on. And nothing is also a totally acceptable answer (i would say you should change a few things but still like I said before would you have changed how free spirited you were? For the right guy, right time and place and most importantly for you maybe it's exactly how you want to be). I think you can hedge things more to you favor in the game of dating to give yourself a better chance at things going your way. And at the same time, I also know that you can stay doing things exactly as you are and it might work if you come across the right person at the right time. I just ultimately think that no matter how vulnerable you are naturally, not everyone deserves access to that right away. I wouldn't get stuck wallowing--this is how you tell yourself and perpetuate a story that makes it harder for you to dig yourself out of the fatalistic/things never go my way story you are telling yourself. How can you reframe what happened with him to make it work for you rather than against you?

December 31, 2021

6 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

@Versacehottie when you say it’s totally possible it wasn’t good for him, I wonder if you could elaborate? Thank you

Lol, I mean if the hooking up wasn't good for him. If you do it too soon, in the majority of guys' minds it's sex and sex only--and they'd want a mind-blowing, maybe even porno-like experience as well as a major ego boost in the process. Usually if someone if sad about their ex, the physical act will only remind them that they miss her, this is not mind blowing (because emotions are missing because it's too soon), etc etc. And it's not the ego boost they really hope for because you're not treating yourself in a valued way so they are like ehhh this is lackluster even suffocating. And all of sudden either literally or emotionally they want to escape. I would guess that's a huge part of what was going on.

While you can LEARN from what happened, take the lessons and move on. It doesn't serve you to dwell on what happened/him much and sort of wish for a redo or start knocking yourself down for it.

December 31, 2021

@Versacehottieok, yes this makes sense. I know I have to rewire my brain to not worry about figuring him out but I still can’t shut off hope that he would reach out sometime. And from what I’m gathering the possibility/likelihood of that ever happening is pretty low, correct? It’s a really sad feeling to sit with. I just can’t stop beating myself up for messing this up and it’s hard for me to understand what I need to do to change so when I like someone they like me in return.

December 31, 2021

@Versacehottie also I know I tend to read into things but why in his friends message did he say he is “obviously very attracted to me”

December 31, 2021

20 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

@Versacehottie thank you for breaking it down for me. What you are saying about my standards and how I jump the gun makes perfect sense and your advice is really helpful for me. I have read your post a couple of times to allow it to sink in. One thing I internalize when reading is that I really blew this and to be honest this person is someone I would be friends with because we seemed to have so many common interests and a similar perspective on the world. But I don’t think that can realistically happen now. And I can’t be the one to reach out and explain how I feel because I don’t want to compromise my integrity. One thing that bothers me is that I asked him his intentions before the date and it wasn’t much different than what he is saying post-date, only that he made it seem like he was open to possibilities of a deeper connection. He said he considers himself a “loser in love” and that he feels really deeply about things, almost too much at times. And that was essentially what I told him too and we seemed to really connect on that. So I guess I felt comfortable with him and that is why I let my guard down when we hung out. But I’m kicking myself for getting intoxicated because I couldn’t keep my wall up and protect myself. I feel like I made a fool of myself. And I can’t stop wondering if he is thinking about me at all because I fail to believe he didn’t feel something, too. I know I should be empowering myself but it’s hard when you feel like you keep f’ing up things that could be really good if you just let them organically play out.

1. you're being too hard on yourself. No one can go back in time. So just learn and ask yourself what you would do differently next time and then get make a next time, like keep moving toward what you want in life.

2. I'd say you are putting him (or perhaps any guy you like) on a pedestal and that is huge problem. Try to be on even equal ground. People like people who are their equals or they feel is almost better than them so they feel inspired and like it's worth their time/effort. If you worship him without real effort on his part, what does that convey to him about you? Work on that.

3. Um yeah don't reach out. I get it. Your mind is still trying to figure out "how to make this happen with him". You need to put that out of your mind. I believe it won't happen with him at all (or any guy you find interesting) until you feel much better about yourself. Take it as a blessing in a way, if you two cross paths in the future or reach out to each other or whatever, if you work on your self-esteem you will be in a better position with him or any great guy to really be ready yourself for a balanced relationship where you more easily draw people to you.

4. I would NEVER advise trying connect with ANYONE over negative stuff/like we are both losers in love. No way, no how, never! Person won't want to be held to that image of themselves and you just made a bad contract to do exactly that! It's just a life lesson: bonding with people over negative stuff is usually not a good way to go.

5. You are kinda making this life and death sort of (that fatalistic stuff). Who can you emulate that would have a easy breezy attitude about it? It was one date. Keep that in perspective. And you have to act as if you will have many more opportunities in life, much better guy for you potentially. Until you truly in your heart have an easy breezy attitude and open to other possibilities, i wouldn't recommend any sort of friendship with him.

6. Why not take what happened as a signal that there is stuff you'd like to work on in yourself and look at it like a blessing (ie imagine if you f*cked up with someone you'd be dating for 6 months--that's way worse! this really isn't even bad ) that you've been sent this message and figure out how to do it? It's almost a new year. Set some goals for yourself--that have less to do with obtaining a bf and more to do with personal growth...fine to gain some of the personal growth through dating because you need experiences to help you learn and practice your growth. Good luck!

December 31, 2021

38 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

Edited December 31, 2021 by stillafool

December 31, 2021

18 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

@Versacehottieok, yes this makes sense. I know I have to rewire my brain to not worry about figuring him out but I still can’t shut off hope that he would reach out sometime. And from what I’m gathering the possibility/likelihood of that ever happening is pretty low, correct? It’s a really sad feeling to sit with. I just can’t stop beating myself up for messing this up and it’s hard for me to understand what I need to do to change so when I like someone they like me in return.

It's all self-esteem based from what I've read here. You need to flip the bolded statement above (in a way). You are still trying to figure out what/who you need to be to attract someone. Try just seeing if you would choose them.

Being that it's self-esteem growth you need, I'd say the first and most major step you need to do is learn how to love yourself.

You do talk about the drinking or I get the feeling you think there is some magic formula of steps a person can do to get the outcome you want. On a very low level you can probably manipulate things and push them a little bit this way/that way with tactics but you need to love yourself and learn how to do that. That boundaries and "tactics" when you really love yourself come with the territory. They are just natural etc etc.

Like if you think of a girl who loves herself, do you think she would be here berating herself for some guy she went on one date with. Hell no, she'd be figuring out where and with who she is going out to NYE and excited about what the night holds. Distract yourself in the meantime with friends, getting into your own hobbies, exercise, whatever (over this guy) for a real world this-is-what-emmylou should do tonight/in coming days. And then also figure out in a while how to work on your self-esteem (plenty of books, courses, etc) to do that. And simultaneously apply it in real world situations so you can grow

Edited December 31, 2021 by Versacehottie

December 31, 2021

20 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

@Versacehottie also I know I tend to read into things but why in his friends message did he say he is “obviously very attracted to me”

He means he was obviously very attracted to you because he went on a date and had sex with you. Men typically don't date or have sex with women they aren't attracted to. It was just a statement to make you feel better about him not wanting anything more from you. It's best not to try to look for hidden meanings in his words. He was VERY clear with you. Just listen to the main point which is he doesn't want to go further with you. I'd block him if I were you. I agree to stop blaming yourself you don't need to change who you are you just need to find a guy who loves you the way you are.

Edited December 31, 2021 by stillafool

December 31, 2021

@stillafool well I guess I don’t see the point in blocking him since I doubt he will reach out to me, anyway. I don’t have tinder anymore so that removed me from his matches so he can’t access my profile or anything and we don’t share social media, just he has my number but I deleted his out of my phone

December 31, 2021

30 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said:

@stillafool well I guess I don’t see the point in blocking him since I doubt he will reach out to me, anyway.

Actually blocking him will do you good. You are still carrying hope that he will reach out to you and regret his decision. By blocking him, you will erase those expectations, give up hope that anything more will happen between you two and be able to move on faster. Blocking is for you not him.

December 31, 2021

@stillafool I see what you mean. I don’t think I have ever blocked anyone in my life, it’s just not something I’m comfortable with doing. I will just focus on telling myself to not expect anything from him because that is the reality of this situation.

December 31, 2021

37 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Actually blocking him will do you good. You are still carrying hope that he will reach out to you and regret his decision. By blocking him, you will erase those expectations, give up hope that anything more will happen between you two and be able to move on faster. Blocking is for you not him.

We have to remember that we're not all the same though. Blocking numbers may work well for one person and not another. Just like the OP, I don't believe in it.

Maybe in a year or two the timing may be much better and they could date? I've had women that ghosted me call me out of the blue 6 months, a year or more after they dropped off the grid and we went on to date, because the timing was better. But if you block a number you don't allow that opportunity for the timing to be right in the future. I think it can hurt the one doing the blocking just as easily as it can help because of missed opportunities.

Edited December 31, 2021 by dramafreezone

December 31, 2021

17 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

We have to remember that we're not all the same though.

You're right about this because I'm not the type of person who wants to think I may have a chance in the future with someone who has rejected me today.

December 31, 2021

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You're right about this because I'm not the type of person who wants to think I may have a chance in the future with someone who has rejected me today.

I've had men come back but it always for more of the same and not what I wanted. Just sex and companionship. Always hurt worse the second time around, too.

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