Emmylou_H Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 I really could use some advice. I met this guy on Tinder and we had been communicating very consistently for a week before meeting in-person. I have never had such a connection with someone in terms of personality and common interests. I shared with him that I really like him and he said he really liked me as well. We were mutually excited to meet each other and we met up last night. I really fell for him once we were together and we went back to his place. We hooked up and made out a lot but also spent time talking and listening to music. I thought it went really well and the next day he hugged and kissed me goodbye. Then this evening I got a message from him that read this: (first he asked me how I was feeling and if I made it home ok) Things really went fast last night, way more than I expected. I don't have any complaints but wanted to say, as I said earlier, I'm open to friendship and casual dating but I wanted to let you know that having recently ended a long term relationship I'm not ready for any serious commitment. I need to heal and keep things light. The last thing I want to do is hurt you in any way. You were so affectionate that I just don't want to get your hopes up or string you along in any way. I think we are in very different places emotionally. My friendship is always open to you and I hope that is a real possibility, something I sincerely mean. Sharing music has been especially fun and I hope we can continue to. Just want to be as honest and forthright as I can. ****so note that we did talk about expectations and he did say he was moving out of a serious relationship but also that he was open to connection. I did seem to get mixed signals from him. I replied that it was hurtful to hear that after we hooked up especially and I said we probably shouldn’t have done that. I asked if all he wanted from me is friendship. Then he said this: More than anything I really do want to be your friend, Emily. And I truly mean that. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed today as I dwelled on our night. My anxiety was up, especially as I thought about you and if you would be hurt. It's often impossible to be friends with people we end up dating. And that's when I realized more than anything I cherish your friendship and wouldn't want to lose that. And also this being my first date since my relationship ended at end of August I didn't know what to expect and realize I'm just not there yet. Unfortunately sometimes you have to go out before you realize that. I'm obviously very attracted to you but I think friendship is where I'm at. And I'd really like to stay connected and not lose that.
divegrl Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 I am so sorry. Are you able to be just friends with him? If you have feelings for him, it’s best to just pull back and spend your time, energy and emotions with someone who can reciprocate. Take care. 2 1
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 30, 2021 Author Posted December 30, 2021 @divegrl thank you for your kind words and advice. I was sure he was different, he is a really kind person and I’m looking for someone who shares common interests and is nice like he is. I don’t think it’s going to be easy for me to be friends with him. I’ll probably just keep holding on to hope that he will change his mind. Wondering why he wants to be friends anyway when he said he is very attracted to me.
glows Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 28 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: @divegrl thank you for your kind words and advice. I was sure he was different, he is a really kind person and I’m looking for someone who shares common interests and is nice like he is. I don’t think it’s going to be easy for me to be friends with him. I’ll probably just keep holding on to hope that he will change his mind. Wondering why he wants to be friends anyway when he said he is very attracted to me. He’s one of two things: grieving and regaining confidence after a break up or doesn’t think there’s enough chemistry for a relationship. Either way, rethink waiting. What for? He’s only one guy. And waiting for someone to change their mind is denial. Take a break, give yourself a week to shrug this off, don’t stay friends and date others when you’re ready. 2 1
divegrl Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 Then tell him a friendship is not an option for you and send him on his way. It really stings, but this is much better then finding this out a couple of months from now. Again, so sorry, but there are lots of great guys out there who are wanting a relationship. Also, in my experience, guys are only friends with women that they are attracted to. Take care. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 6 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I did seem to get mixed signals from him. I replied that it was hurtful to hear that after we hooked up Sorry this happened. He was just setting the table for a hookup. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. He may be the pump and dump type. Either way, don't settle for FWB if you would prefer a dating situation. Next time, slow your roll and get to know someone a bit better first. 2
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 30, 2021 Author Posted December 30, 2021 @divegrl I’m not sure if perhaps you meant guys are only friends with women they aren’t attracted to? I’m just trying to figure out the mixed message I’m getting from him-him saying he’s obviously very attracted to me but also that he wants to be friends with me more than anything.
Calmandfocused Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 I’m with wiseman in the sense that I think he’s offering you a FWB situation. I’ve no doubt he’ll try and sleep with you again if you agree to be “friends”. If that’s not what you want then refuse friendship offer. If you want a relationship I’d advise staying away from guys who have just come out of a relationship. 5 1
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 30, 2021 Author Posted December 30, 2021 @Wiseman2 I deleted the dating app I was on because I mentally can’t handle going through this-spending time getting to know someone and getting my hopes up about this person did a major blow on my ego after I was rejected by him. There are some people I can just let go and there are others that seem special and unique, like he did. And the people I ever like are the ones that reject me, so I wasn’t surprised that the feelings weren’t mutual here. Just confused why he seems so adamant about being my friend. Seems clear he doesn’t want to hook up with me in the future?
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 30, 2021 Author Posted December 30, 2021 @Calmandfocused I don’t read it as FWB because I have a feeling he’s just going to maybe, at the most, text me here and there and then fade out of my life. That’s typically what happens for me when I have experienced this in the past. What’s unique and confusing about this situation is how adamant he seems to be about being friends. I get the impression he just doesn’t want to hurt me so he’s extending the friendship card as a nice gesture with no plan to follow through. 4
Wiseman2 Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Emmylou_H said: @Wiseman2 . And the people I ever like are the ones that reject me, Ok. For whatever reason, he doesn't want a relationship. If that's what you are looking for, he's not the guy. All you can do is slow down and observe red flags such as "just got out of a relationship". The better you screen for red flags like this, the less burnout and heartaches there will be. Don't be friends hoping to parlay it into more. Delete and block players like this early on. Get tested for STDs. It sounds like he's used the "not ready for a relationship" line quite a bit after sex. Keep in mind he may also be having sex with his ex and numerous randos. Edited December 30, 2021 by Wiseman2 4 1
introverted1 Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 (edited) He did you a favor. He could have ghosted you or strung you along but he let you know that he senses you want more from him than he is prepared to give. He can admit to being attracted to you without necessarily feeling ready for a relationship. And yes, he can even value your connection on a friendship level. Might he want sex again in the future? It's possible, but his messages to you seem to indicate that he knows you got attached overly quickly, and he seems to want to avoid being in that situation. Next time, don't sleep with a man on a first date if you will be upset if that doesn't signify the start of a relationship. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with first date sex, but it's only recommended for those who can accept whatever outcome may follow, and it seems that's not you. Edited December 30, 2021 by introverted1 4 1
stillafool Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 2 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I get the impression he just doesn’t want to hurt me so he’s extending the friendship card as a nice gesture with no plan to follow through. This is the feeling I get too. He's letting you down easy by saying let's be friends, he enjoys sharing music, blah, blah, blah but isn't going to follow through. Think about it, it would be uncomfortable for him to try to be platonic friends with a girl he knows has feelings for him. We tend to distance ourselves from those people if the feelings aren't mutual. 2 1
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 30, 2021 Author Posted December 30, 2021 @stillafoolyes so now I’m going to focus on moving on and forgetting he exists. I feel like he even said that to make himself feel better about hurting me. I just wish he didn’t give me the impression he thought we connected on some deep level prior to us even meeting. 2
stillafool Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 8 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: I just wish he didn’t give me the impression he thought we connected on some deep level prior to us even meeting. I know. Some guys do that to make you feel comfortable and close enough to them to get sex. That is why it's best to bridle your emotions and not fall into sex with them early. Wait it out and see if they still stay in touch and want to spend time with you before sex. 3 1
dramafreezone Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: @stillafoolyes so now I’m going to focus on moving on and forgetting he exists. I feel like he even said that to make himself feel better about hurting me. I just wish he didn’t give me the impression he thought we connected on some deep level prior to us even meeting. Maybe he thought there was a connection, and then he had a change of heart. Everything that happens in the course of dating is not a deliberate act. Guys get confused too, they change their minds, they don't know what they want all the time. In other words things are not always done to hurt you on purpose. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we planned and it's not anyone's fault per se. Edited December 30, 2021 by dramafreezone 3
divegrl Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 5 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: @divegrl I’m not sure if perhaps you meant guys are only friends with women they aren’t attracted to? I’m just trying to figure out the mixed message I’m getting from him-him saying he’s obviously very attracted to me but also that he wants to be friends with me more than anything. Hi! I apologize. What I meant was men will only spend on the emotional time and energy on a “friend” that is a girl… only if they are attracted to them. That is just my experience. But being attracted to a women does not mean he wants a relationship. Sorry for the confusion. Hope you feel better today! 2
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 30, 2021 Author Posted December 30, 2021 @divegrlyes that makes sense, thanks for the clarification. I decided I’m not going to wait around, not even for his “friendly” texts, whether those actually come or not. Feeling slightly better today but I still keep entertaining the idea that he is going to regret friend zoning me, which is unrealistic on my part but still some thought I have. I just find it hard to believe that he didn’t feel a valuable connection to me because it seemed so real/genuine. 2
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 30, 2021 Author Posted December 30, 2021 @dramafreezoneDo you think (if he had a change of heart) that it was something I said or did? I’m really a very open and transparent person, and I know I can be intense when I like someone. Again it’s hard for me to close off how I feel, especially if I have been drinking. I explained that to him as well after he sent his “just friends” text. 1
dramafreezone Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 (edited) It may just be too much too fast for him, just like he said. It's probably nothing that you said or did. When it comes to relationships guys take breakups just as hard if not harder than women. He thought he was ready to move on and I think he's seeing that isn't the case. You may be very pretty and he may like you a lot but there's no way to compete with that attachment he had with that other woman until it's gone, and that takes time. I think if he just wanted you for sex he could lead you on but he's not doing that, he's giving you an out. Edited December 30, 2021 by dramafreezone 3 1
Author Emmylou_H Posted December 30, 2021 Author Posted December 30, 2021 @dramafreezone thank you for your response. That makes sense.
stillafool Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 1 hour ago, dramafreezone said: When it comes to relationships guys take breakups just as hard if not harder than women. I agree. I've seen men really take it hard when they were in love and lost them. Some of them even become bitter afterwards which I don't see much with women. This guy was honest and up front with you how he felt. 1
smackie9 Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 You know it could mean anything...you really don't know this guy well enough to know what he is up to. Could be honest, could be a bunch of bs. The end result is, there is no real prospect for a relationship. Send him down the road, and not waste your time. 1
ccas93 Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 2 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: @divegrlyes that makes sense, thanks for the clarification. I decided I’m not going to wait around, not even for his “friendly” texts, whether those actually come or not. Feeling slightly better today but I still keep entertaining the idea that he is going to regret friend zoning me, which is unrealistic on my part but still some thought I have. I just find it hard to believe that he didn’t feel a valuable connection to me because it seemed so real/genuine. He was in the moment, and was DTF, but doesn't want it to go any further than that. But also recognizes that there was a connection and you guys had some things in common, so he feels bad that he doesn't want to continue, and is offering friendship to make himself feel better about it. It's a selfish offer that I wouldn't accept personally. That's how I'm reading it. 1
flitzanu Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 as a guy, if you meet a guy for the first time and sleep with him, and then the next day the guy says "i don't want to date you let's just be friends" it means that he doesn't want to date you. we aren't as mysterious as you think, and the words he used were pretty clear. believing anything otherwise is just going to keep yourself hurting and dwelling. 4 1
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