What's acceptable?

[Billybob]

After a stressful toxic 15 month relationship that my ex ended I’m in the process of becoming more aware and being a better version of my self..

My ex accused me of being a jealous person after 2 experiences and always called me jealous every time I didn’t like a remark or an action she had towards another man..
 

it started off her telling me she went on a dog walk with a male friend she knew from her kids school, she said they accidentally ended up in bed with a married man,  I said married man? Wow I can soon go off a person.  I felt sick, don’t even know why she’s telling me?

any way, she flips out and gets angry slapping me in the face because I’m not looking at her, she’s defensive because of my comment, apparently she didn’t tell me the whole story, he was married but sleeping in desperate rooms to his wife, the couple stayed together and ended having kids so she thinks it was fine..  she called me jealous.

a man that I work under is the the most arrogant person going, he’s horrible, he makes my working life hell at times, he costs me thousands in lost earnings..

when looking threw my work connections she asks who’s he? Oh he’s the man I told you about that gives me grief. Her reply was, he’s good looking!!

thew weeks later she’s having a dig about something I said that she didn’t like, I said I didn’t like it when you called the contracts manager good looking knowing he makes my life hell. But I didn’t complain or make a big deal about it.  Again she accused me of being jealous..!!

she goes to collect her child from her ex’s after school which is a 20 min journey there abs back..  she’s gone over 2!hours she knows I’m arriving at hers after work but doesn’t txt me to say she’s delayed, I waited at hers for over an hour and a half, I txt her to ask when she’d be home and got no reply, her daughter told me she had gone to collect her son..

When she got home I asked why she was late and why she didn’t txt to say she would be late. Again she accuses me of being jealous..!!

Then one Sunday morning she gets a txt from a man at 5am when we’re in bed. Iv never heard her talk about this man so don’t know who he was etc.  Couple days went by and I was curious to know so I asked who he was and why is he txting at 5am..

 

he’s apparently a friend, an ex boyfriend from like 15 years ago and again accuses me of jealousy..

 

the next time, one evening we were apart abs I phoned her to see how she was, she was ok she asked me how I was etc,  she told me about her day but conveniently forgot to mention she’d met her parcel delivery guy down the pub newly opened after Covid restrictions were lifted for a drink as he’s a part time chef..

when I asked how her day was abs did she do anything nice she told me she had met this guy..  if I hadn’t of asked I’m not sure if she would of told me..  i asked her why is she meeting men at the pub that she’s never met before. She said he’s a friend, basically she’d been getting to know him from delivering parcels threw lockdown now she’s meeting him in the pub.   I got accused of being jealous again..
 

the next time it happened, we had just got engaged and she had arranged to meet a male friend at the pub one afternoon, the same parcel delivery guy as before.  I arrived home early from work that Friday and she insisted i went with her to the pub..  he rocks up and starts talking about all these women he’s dating and having sex with and he decided to start asking my fiancé if she likes anal sex and she’s happy to reply yes..  and starts asking me if as a couple were into 3 sums, I said no we’ve already talked about this in private and we don’t?  
 

I told her I was disappointed about her giving such explicit information to him and why ask me about 3 sums etc,  she said sorry but then got angry and said it’s her body and that I’m a jealous person etc..

the next occasion we met her friend and her husband, same thing happens, threw out the evening, my gf is fixated on this other guy, all night long she’s complimenting him on his fashion, his hair cut, touching him on the arm several times saying how great he is and how he’s on her level. Baring in mind when she criticised me she’d often criticise my fashion and my hair cuts etc  

There was lots of sex talk again , both times now my ex had asked me in front of other men if I or we as a couple was into 3sums both times we said no but I’d had this conversation with her in private and neither of us wanted this but twice now she’d asked me again in public??

Towards the end of the night she turns to me and say is it ok if I show them my pictures? I wasn’t going to say no so said do as you wish. She had several pictures of her self in sexy underwear so she choose to show these pictures to them both. I was always told these pictures were private for the 2 of us.

All night she’d practically ignored me, shown no attention towards me, she was meant to be showing off her new fiancé to her friends. It was all about her wrapped up in him..

I’ll have to admit I felt so upset this particular evening, things were going crap at work I was struggling financially and yet again it appeared I just witnessed the woman I love play up and flirt with another man. I felt betrayed, unwanted, unloved, disrespected, unappreciated.. I wasn’t in any mood for talking to her and for the first time in our relationship I lashed out and told her to where to go.. didn’t speak to her in the taxi going home.

When we got back to hers behind closed doors she erupted as usual with angry aggressive behaviour, she literally tore the shirt from my body and threw it on the flaw whilst screaming and shouting at me. I just let her do it, I wasn’t going to challenge her and end up like 2 of her ex’s, 2 ex’s had been violent towards her putting her in hospital so she claims, one of which has a criminal record for it, these are both fathers to her 2 children.

yet again I’m branded jealous..

there doesn’t seem to be any boundaries, there’s no respect for my feelings etc?

So in general is my overall behaviour jealous, is it not acceptable? Or was she acting badly? 

Edited December 31, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Weezy1973]

I’d recommend googling the term “Borderline Personality Disorder”. I’m not diagnosing her, and neither should you, but see if it rings a bell.

I’d be grateful the relationship is over. 

Edited December 29, 2021 by Weezy1973

[Ami1uwant]

I have a feeling there is more to this than we are reading.

 

how controlling/ jealous are you?  She might omit socializing with men because of how you have reacted to hearing this.

[Billybob]

8 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I have a feeling there is more to this than we are reading.

 

how controlling/ jealous are you?  She might omit socializing with men because of how you have reacted to hearing this.

I pretty much let her do as she pleased..  I don’t have a history and never been accused of being jealous by anyone..  I already know she has all the traits of a narcissistic person and that she’s had 100’s of failed relationships with men beating her up etc but that’s her past.

are you saying I should be happy with her telling her parcel delivery guy she likes anal sex in front of me etc?

[Weezy1973]

41 minutes ago, Billybob said:

  I don’t have a history and never been accused of being jealous by anyone.

So you’ve already answered your own question. The problem wasn’t you.

 

42 minutes ago, Billybob said:

I already know she has all the traits of a narcissistic person and that she’s had 100’s of failed relationships with men beating her up etc but that’s her past.

And you somehow thought she’d magically change her ways? Just be thankful you’re out now.

[Billybob]

25 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So you’ve already answered your own question. The problem wasn’t you.

 

And you somehow thought she’d magically change her ways? Just be thankful you’re out now.

Yes definitely, I just wanted to make sure I learn from the experience and become a better version of myself. 
 

I never accepted her behaviour as normal neither did I accept her accusations of jealousy..  I think a lot of men would of got rid.. I stuck around hoping things would get better. 

[Ami1uwant]

6 minutes ago, Billybob said:

Yes definitely, I just wanted to make sure I learn from the experience and become a better version of myself. 
 

I never accepted her behaviour as normal neither did I accept her accusations of jealousy..  I think a lot of men would of got rid.. I stuck around hoping things would get better. 

Which behavior is non normal?

 

I agree she’s crazy but to improve your end….what jealous did you have on her socializing with men?  You brought up her sleeping with two men and you seemed to be bothered by this.

[Billybob]

9 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Which behavior is non normal?

 

I agree she’s crazy but to improve your end….what jealous did you have on her socializing with men?  You brought up her sleeping with two men and you seemed to be bothered by this.

No she accused me of being jealous.  She said she accidentally ended up in bed with a married man? You think that’s acceptable?    She told another man she likes anal sex? You think that’s acceptable from a woman you just got engaged to?

everytime I had a question or query as to why she was doing something she just choose to not answer it and accuse me of being jealous, it’s a form of gaslighting..

[Johnjohnson2017]

Your life is better off without her. You don't need the stress that she brings you. Find someone who you can trust. It's normal to feel some jealousy. She's not helping by talking the way she does i.e "He's good looking" etc. People in general are aware what to say and what not to say to avoid their partner from becoming jealous.

 

[Billybob]

47 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Your life is better off without her. You don't need the stress that she brings you. Find someone who you can trust. It's normal to feel some jealousy. She's not helping by talking the way she does i.e "He's good looking" etc. People in general are aware what to say and what not to say to avoid their partner from becoming jealous.

 

I agree, I think there’s a term called triangulation.   She can’t act abs talk as if I’m not there or as if she’s single and then accuse me of being jealous if I react in away she doesn’t like..  

[Alpacalia]

She physically assaulted you (missed that part).

Well, she's was not single.

Discussing, for example, anal sex verbatim with other men I think would put most men off.

Having jealousy as a response is somewhat expected, in my opinion. And it may not even be that you're jealous but more so not comfortable with it.

You had every right to ask her to refrain from doing so, and she had every right to refuse your request.

If she agreed that it wasn't appropriate than it would be the end and you both would have defined more clear boundaries.

 

Edited December 29, 2021 by Alpaca
past tense update

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Billybob said:

No she accused me of being jealous.  She said she accidentally ended up in bed with a married man? You think that’s acceptable?    She told another man she likes anal sex? You think that’s acceptable from a woman you just got engaged to?

everytime I had a question or query as to why she was doing something she just choose to not answer it and accuse me of being jealous, it’s a form of gaslighting..

Way I read it, it was something she did before you.

 

 

[Billybob]

23 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Way I read it, it was something she did before you.

 

 

Well yes the sleeping with a married man was before me, I was shocked that she could do such a thing, I would never be so desperate to sleep with a married mans wife..   the fact she could didn’t impress me, it wasn’t jealousy..  she just accused me of being jealous..  but she didn’t tell me the whole truth anyway, until after I reacted.  It’s true what they say about narcissists, they’ll do anything for drama even if it hurts there partner..

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Billybob said:

I just wanted to make sure I learn from the experience and become a better version of myself. 

So learning from the experience in this case means figuring out why you were willing to overlook the flags prior to getting engaged. My guess is the start of the relationship was like a rocket ship. She was “love bombing” you like crazy. And you probably found her really attractive and the sex was good. The downfall of many men…

Then figure out what qualities are important to you in a partner moving forward. Honesty? Openness? Trustworthy? Dependable? Reliable?

 

And finally be prepared for her to try to lure you back in. Have you completely blocked her? 

[Billybob]

26 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

My guess is the start of the relationship was like a rocket ship. She was “love bombing” you like crazy.

Yes exactly, I didn’t know anything about this behaviour before I met her..

once she had me hooked everything changed..

by the end the angry outbursts would be more frequent and over nothing..

she has no self awareness of the problems she causes.  She cut me off very quickly..

she wanted to remain friends and I declined, and it caused a heated argument and then she blocked my number but my Facebook was open channel,  I did apologise for my part in the argument via Facebook and she thanked me for it..

I was feeling really sad over Christmas and contacted her on Facebook to see how she was.  She said perhaps we can stay in touch and be friends..

 

to be fair since we split up she’s been really polite.  She’s not lead me on or anything.

I don’t get the impression she even misses me, she’s said she doesn’t want to get back together weeks ago so I don’t feel in any danger from her..

I feel at ease with the fact we are being civil to each other..  I hate arguing or falling out with people in any form. I thought I’d be the better person and be civil, maybe i thought maybe it would help..

[notbroken]

Block her in every way - in social media, phone, etc.   Following her will only deepen your pain.   You seriously 'dodged a bullet'.  This lady was going to act on her flirting after you were married.  Just no way someone like that would remain faithful.   Honestly, you might want to consider if you are in fact 'jealous' or controlling.  Not saying you are - or aren't - but it is worth considering if you really want to learn from this and better yourself.   Someone wrote that you should have seen red flags and acted on them prior to your engagement.   That's true.   She was one big red flag from the beginning it sounds like.  Consider yourself very fortunate you didn't marry her.   Accept your loss the best you can.  Be the best you that you can be.   Eat well.  Hit the gym/work out.   Avoid alcohol and drugs and don't dwell on her any more than necessary.  Forgive yourself for your part in this asap.  Good luck. 

[Weezy1973]

48 minutes ago, Billybob said:. I thought I’d be the better person and be civil, maybe i thought maybe it would help..

Just be aware. Being a better person and being civil works if you’re not dealing with a narcissist. But she is one, so being nice and civil won’t do anything. It seems like she doesn’t miss you because she doesn’t. You never meant anything to her except as a means to getting her narcissistic feed from you. And if she needs more of that feed, and you’re around, she may indeed come looking to lure you in again…blocking is a good thing in my opinion…

[Billybob]

18 minutes ago, notbroken said:

dodged a bullet'.

Yes this has been mentioned several times probably like 99.9%

I always felt her behaviour was odd but I allowed her to gaslight me, I’m guilty of trusting everything she told me although towards the end I definitely knew something wasn’t right..

I’m certainly eating well, I’v put on weight, I’m definitely hitting the gym too soon..  I haven’t had the guts to block her yet I’ll have to admit, I just don’t see her causing any grief, she’s already politely said she doesn’t want to get back together etc..

[Billybob]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Just be aware. Being a better person and being civil works if you’re not dealing with a narcissist. But she is one, so being nice and civil won’t do anything. It seems like she doesn’t miss you because she doesn’t. You never meant anything to her except as a means to getting her narcissistic feed from you. And if she needs more of that feed, and you’re around, she may indeed come looking to lure you in again…blocking is a good thing in my opinion…

Realky? She spent 8k on a wedding that never took place abs I think a lot of that was none refundable..  I don’t know if she’s definitely narcissistic?  Just some narc traits etc.. there’s definitely something not right about her.. like I mentioned, I’v accepted it’s finished, I’m not asking her to get back with me..

she’s being really polite I don’t see any threat. What’s the worse that could happen? She asks me if I want to meet her?  I can’t see it. Personally, like you said, her actions appear as if she doesn’t care.. not even sure why she’s talking about friends considering she’s got my number blocked..

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Billybob said:

Yes this has been mentioned several times probably like 99.9%

I always felt her behaviour was odd but I allowed her to gaslight me, I’m guilty of trusting everything she told me although towards the end I definitely knew something wasn’t right..

I’m certainly eating well, I’v put on weight, I’m definitely hitting the gym too soon..  I haven’t had the guts to block her yet I’ll have to admit, I just don’t see her causing any grief, she’s already politely said she doesn’t want to get back together etc..

Glad you’re doing well and this has ended. 

When you see signs of someone completely disregarding your feelings it’s time to reconsider the relationship. While I read your first post one thought kept running through my mind. Why are they even together? You were constantly on edge because of her inappropriate comments and it didn’t seem at all like she was interested in how you felt. Another thought came to mind that she might have been testing you and gaslighting you because of previous baggage with controlling or jealous men. 

If the behaviour or comments are inappropriate to you, walk away. This isn’t a relationship and you’re both completely incompatible.

I don’t recommend that you stay in contact with her. For what reason? Only to be reminded of the way she treated you? Or hold you back from dating? 

[AngryGromit]

7 hours ago, Billybob said:

it started off her telling me she went on a dog walk with a male friend she knew from her kids school, she said they accidentally ended up in bed with a married man,  I said married man? Wow I can soon go off a person.  I felt sick, don’t even know why she’s telling me?

This is kind confusing. Did she go for this dog walk when you two were together, or was this a past experience she's relating to you?  Not clear at all.  Then you say they ended up in bed with a married man, so your ex girlfriend, a male friend and a married guy are all in bed together? A 3some?  

 

From what I'm reading, 3-some's seem to be a reoccurring topic with her.  If that's something she really wanted, she should have approached you with it, not putting you into situations where she hope you would agree to it. To answer your question, no you do not sound unreasonable or jealous.  If this is something she wanted to pursue she should have came right out and told you.  Why one earth did you get engaged if this how she was to you, don't should like a healthy relationship I'd want to ask her to marry me. 

Edited December 29, 2021 by AngryGromit

[Billybob]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Glad you’re doing well and this has ended. 

Thanks, so is my mother …

 

yes going back nearly 12 months or I was having problems, I definitely she suffers with some form of personality disorder or narcissism. What else could explain the way she is?

i’ll have to admit, I’v felt lonely over Christmas so because she’s been polite to me I thought maybe there’s no harm being friends.,  I’m talking with other women but not quite ready to start dating, maybe a coffee with no strings etc..

Iv come to realise she was unhappy before I met her with many failed toxic relationships which I feel she was responsible for.  So I don’t think she’s going to find happiness any time soon, no sain man will accept her behaviour, unless she finds another empath like my self..

my life will be better without her in time for sure..

[Billybob]

6 minutes ago, AngryGromit said:

This is kind confusing. Did she go for this dog walk when you two were together, or was this a past experience she's relating to you?  Not clear at all.  Then you say they ended up in bed with a married man, so your ex girlfriend, a male friend and a married guy are all in bed together? A 3some?  

Sorry for the confusion.. she told me she had a male friend that she went on dog walks with, he was married, she said they accidentally ended up in bed together.  I was shocked at her morales to sleep with a married man but she then said they were separated living in the same house sleeping in separate rooms so that made it ok in her eyes.  She just never told it like that but don’t know why she was even telling me this crap for. Why do I need to know?

[AngryGromit]

... She can’t act abs talk ...

What's ABS? This isn't a texting forum where you have to limit yourself to a certain number of characters and have to abbreviate all your words to get your message to fit. 

[glows]

11 minutes ago, Billybob said:

Thanks, so is my mother …

 

yes going back nearly 12 months or I was having problems, I definitely she suffers with some form of personality disorder or narcissism. What else could explain the way she is?

i’ll have to admit, I’v felt lonely over Christmas so because she’s been polite to me I thought maybe there’s no harm being friends.,  I’m talking with other women but not quite ready to start dating, maybe a coffee with no strings etc..

Iv come to realise she was unhappy before I met her with many failed toxic relationships which I feel she was responsible for.  So I don’t think she’s going to find happiness any time soon, no sain man will accept her behaviour, unless she finds another empath like my self..

my life will be better without her in time for sure..

Oh my goodness. Chat with anyone else but her. I do understand what you mean about feeling lonely. However I think it’s prolonging your healing and messing you up even more. 

Hopefully the new year brings new company and you can let her go.