Missy Love Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 I'm considering ending my relationship, but I am not sure if I would be doing so for the right reasons. My current partner and I have grown to care deeply about each other and have invested a lot. I've had troubles in romantic relationships around trust, and so considering taking a break entirely from dating should this not work out. I have found out things about my partner's past that happened before me that have been a little concerning, and I realize this would be the case no matter who I was with. There has been one particular person who I've felt concerned by in my partner's past. My partner told me they were very good friends, and there was never anything romantic between the two of them. She has been with someone else for many years, has her own family, and lives far from us. My partner wanted to be open with me that there was nothing, so let me read some of their text exchanges, which shared that we are together and doing great, and he can't wait for us to all to hang out someday. There has been much less contact between them since we started dating seriously. However, there were some text exchanges (prior to me), where my partner was complimenting a particular outfit, which he told her he loved on her, and he sees where her kids get their bright eyes from. He reassured me that this was just being a supportive friend and that's all it's ever been, but I can't help but feel there may have been something more. It upsets my partner that I doubt him. I also found out a mutual friend tried to set him up with someone, and she told me that I should be careful. My partner shared that prior to me, he did take her friend out on a date, but it didn't lead to anything more than one date because he wasn't interested. According to him, he went on several dates that were set ups, but he really didn't find anyone interesting to pursue. He's told me that I am the first person he has ever cared this deeply about in a romantic way. There have been a couple of other things that have come up that have surprised me that my partner never shared with me, mostly around his experiences with women, and I find myself starting to feel doubtful of his intentions. I'm not sure if these are things to be concerned about to the point of ending things, or just my own issues that I need to work on.
basil67 Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 Looking at your previous thread, it would seem that history is repeating itself. If I understand correctly, all this stuff you're worried about is from before you came along - but as a boyfriend to you, he's not put a foot wrong. Honestly, if you don't either end the relationship or get help for your insecurity, he probably will get tired of your doubts about him and move on. Nobody who's acting in a trustworthy manner deserves to be continually doubted. Please get help lest you keep losing good boyfriends 4
Wiseman2 Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 How long have you been dating? Is there a reason not to trust him? Is this the same man?:
introverted1 Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 I haven't read your previous posts but what you've written here is nothing to be concerned about. If anything, your bf is going out of his way for you by showing you the (entirely benign) messages he's exchanged with his friend. Unless there's more to this than what you've shared, it seems that your insecurities are unwarranted. 2
Johnjohnson2017 Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 Most people you will run into will have a past, especially if you meet at an older age (>40). The important thing is what has occurred since you've been a couple. Does he respect you? Has he cheated on you? Most people would be hesitant to tell you all about their past as that might turn you off or they might think it's irrellevant to your relationship.
Author Missy Love Posted December 29, 2021 Author Posted December 29, 2021 (edited) We've been together a little over a year, close to a year and a half, and he's mentioned he hopes to propose soon. It scares me, and I feel I am becoming depressed. All I seem to able to focus on is that he may have had stronger attraction or connection to someone else before me. I recognize that is the fear in me and find myself looking to prove that to myself to the point that I can't see that he loves me. It has really put a strain on our relationship. Edited December 29, 2021 by Missy Love
Weezy1973 Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Missy Love said: . I recognize that is the fear in me and find myself looking to prove that to myself to the point that I can't see that he loves me. It has really put a strain on our relationship. So what are you going to do about it? I’d suggest telling him you have these internal fears and you know they have nothing to do with him or his past; it’s about you and your insecurities and you’re working through it. And then actually work through them with a therapist. Edited December 29, 2021 by Weezy1973 1
stillafool Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 11 minutes ago, Missy Love said: We've been together a little over a year, close to a year and a half, and he's mentioned he hopes to propose soon. It scares me, and I feel I am becoming depressed. All I seem to able to focus on is that he may have had stronger attraction or connection to someone else before me. I recognize that is the fear in me and find myself looking to prove that to myself to the point that I can't see that he loves me. It has really put a strain on our relationship. Even if he had a strong attraction to someone else before, he cares enough about you to want to propose and marry you. That carries a lot of weight IMO. 2
Author Missy Love Posted December 29, 2021 Author Posted December 29, 2021 (edited) He said if it will help, he can set up a conversation with his friend and her spouse, as well as with me and him to show that there was nothing there. He said he is also willing to cut off contact, which the contact has fizzled since we became serious anyways. I’m not sure that will solve anything for us though, as I recognize I need to do some internal work. Edited December 29, 2021 by Missy Love
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2022 Posted January 2, 2022 (edited) From a psychology standpoint, your BF, tho his intentions are from the heart, he's enabling your insecurities. The only way to stop these feelings is to break the cycle and that is to stop looking for reassurances from your BF and other people. What he is doing will never fix this no matter how hard he tries. And to walk away from the relationship will never stop these feelings of insecurity/anxiety. History will repeat itself. If you want change, you have to change yourself, not your enviroment. You need professional help...behavioral therapy. Edited January 2, 2022 by smackie9 2
Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2022 Posted January 2, 2022 On 12/29/2021 at 12:59 PM, Missy Love said: He said if it will help, he can set up a conversation with his friend and her spouse, as well as with me and him to show that there was nothing there. He said he is also willing to cut off contact, which the contact has fizzled since we became serious anyways. I’m not sure that will solve anything for us though, as I recognize I need to do some internal work. Sadly, you are not dating all that long and this will not disprove anything because it's all his people and all hearsay. If it's not this woman whose hotel room he is running to it will be another women he needs to "rescue" from her bad marriage. Essentially he, not his friends is the problem because of his lack of respect for you and lack of boundaries with other women..
Versacehottie Posted January 2, 2022 Posted January 2, 2022 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: From a psychology standpoint, your BF, tho his intentions are from the heart, he's enabling your insecurities. The only way to stop these feelings is to break the cycle and that is to stop looking for reassurances from your BF and other people. What he is doing will never fix this no matter how hard he tries. And to walk away from the relationship will never stop these feelings of insecurity/anxiety. History will repeat itself. If you want change, you have to change yourself, not your enviroment. You need professional help...behavioral therapy. Agree. This is going to become a bottomless pit and is not the real way to solve the problem of your insecurities. I would die if I were that other couple--and absolutely not agree to it. 1
Author Missy Love Posted January 4, 2022 Author Posted January 4, 2022 Thanks for the helpful response. I'm going to see if I can work with someone about my anxiety. In the meantime, I'm going strive to be self-sufficient on my own regardless of what my partner does. I think that I get too anxious and reliant on a romantic partner after a while, and then it scares me, so I try to look for a way out. I start to lose some of myself to a relationship, and a partner becomes my sole focus. If I am not enjoying the relationship then of course I am not going to want to stay in it. Seems no matter what a partner does, I will feel this way, so recognize there is a lot of work I need to do myself without relying on someone else.
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