whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 It's hard when someone you love is hurting and they won't open up and share it with you. It makes you feel useless and it's terribly frustrating. My boyfriend is going through a very difficult period. Tons of job stress and his dad is seriously ill. But whenever I ask him to tell me about it he clams up. I can't get him to open up at all. My hubby is going through something right now and until this problem gets fixed (time consuming) it is affecting him, us and everything. It's not that he isn't talking to me, he does -It's just that there isn't anything to help the situation get better, it is frustrating for me to see him go through this and not be able to help him through it in the way I would like...So, instead of bringing it up or asking that situation is going, I leave it alone and focus on good things, do nice things for him and make him feel less stress at home. By talking about it, it makes HIM feel worse and he doesn't like to think/feel awful so ignoring it is how he handles it. That may not be the way I would handle things, but it's his way and I respect that. When and if he needs me, he'll let me know. Pressuring a guy into opening up will make him run and head for the hills...lol
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Sorry, jen, but deep down you know... Deep down I know that he is a good man. And that none of the problems we've been having were happening before the poor guy got socked with all this s*** he's dealing with. I know that the way I've been feeling about things isn't all his fault. A lot of it is mine. I need to be more understanding and let him deal with things the way he knows how....just as whichwayisup said. Women handle stress differently than men, and I need to come to terms with that. Then I might be able to relax and quit questioning everything.
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 i think sharing thoughts and feelings is what meaningful relationships and intimacy is all about. Women especially need that and the man needs to go there (especially sharing his thoughts if not all his feelings) to some degree and in some way. Granted you shouldn't expect him to open up like a girlfriend might but if he doesn't tell you what's inside him then you might as well be with a piece of furniture. If the man won't go there and keeps his communication on a superficial level after 7 months, you might want to find yourself a new one, because i don't think he will change if he doesn't respond to the positive approaches outlined here, and may just clam up more. He will only frustrate you more. Been there done that. Some guys are just opaque and want/need to stay that way. very unsatisfying relationship. kind of like a guy being with a frigid woman- she can only expect so much understanding and coaxing.
Gator762 Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I say back off a little bit, and don't crowd him into a corner about it. I can understand what your BF is going through. I believe strongly in marriage vows, yet here I am going through separation. My (ex)wife has done some truly rotten things. We went through couples therapy, and I tried all I could to be totally honest and forgiving - I completely opened my heart back up to her. And she crushed it. She made very little effort to try to save the marriage. 7 months just might not be enough time for him to place the level of trust that you do with a life partner. Remember that society trains us that we have to be tough guys, the head of the family. Boys that cried were made fun of.
Blackard Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 We went through couples therapy, and I tried all I could to be totally honest and forgiving - I completely opened my heart back up to her. And she crushed it. She made very little effort to try to save the marriage. Ouch. Sorry guy. ...and this is exactly why men don't just "open up" on demand and share like one of the girls...because getting your freakin heart ripped from your chest sucks...and it leaves perminant scars. You want that from a man? Earn it. Spend the time. Make the investment. Prove yourself worthy. Green? 1
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Maybe i am missing something here, but why do the men seem to be so sensitive and defensive about opening up and about their sense of vulnerability, whereas the women quite boldly go there? seeing how a degree of intimacy is essential for any long-term relationship to have any meaning??? for a woman it is the 'glue'?? women are making themselves vulnerable too!! what if we held back until a man had 'earned' it? what the heck would be the point of being together? if we make this investment shouldn't we be offered some kind of guarantee? wouldn't the relationship just fall apart or become FWB? i can understand some wariness for a few months but i just don't get this degree of defensiveness. if you have been with a woman for 7 months and can't trust to open up even when encouraged and offered reassurance, what the heck are you doing there????
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 i can understand some wariness for a few months but i just don't get this degree of defensiveness. if you have been with a woman for 7 months and can't trust to open up even when encouraged and offered reassurance, what the heck are you doing there???? Good question. I wish my boyfriend would answer this one. He got home last night from spending the weekend away seeing his dad in the hospital. Saw his light on. Called. He didn't answer. Left a message. No return call. I've been sick with pneumonia and other scarier things. Would he have called once this weekend to see how i am while he was gone? Nope. Called to tell me how his dad is? Nope. So I texted him. Light still on. Someone's home, but doesn't want to talk to me. So I started to cry hysterically. Called again. (I know. Big mistake). Called again. Cried myself to sleep.
Super89Rex Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 I think this is a prime example of what happens when a guy opens up to a wiman one too many times and then then gets his heart splattered all over the place.. People have trust issues due to failed past relationships, I can attest to this; I have openned up too quickly in the past and as a result of it I was hurt... I know the next woman I talk to will have a much more stern, un-openning guy to deal with.. is it a good thing or a bad thing? *shrugs* who knows, but it keeps me from throwing myself out to the lions. *Dont rush him*
amerikajin Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 God...I read threads like these and wonder "Why bother with relationships?" All of the damn power struggles between men and women. I am warped. I suck at relationships because I am afraid of intimacy. I think all men want intimacy but are afraid of it; in my short existence on this planet, women are much better at actually being intimate. But when a woman torches a guy...the damage is long-term. We're taught all of our lives to 'be a man', to be strong for our families and the women we love. We're taught that we can't be weak and that showing emotion is weakness. And let's face it, women have to admit that the last thing you want is some guy showing his feelings until long after they've gotten to know him. Why not just accept the fact that you've got a relationship with the guy. Just be supportive and let him know that whenever he does decide to open up, that you'll be there for him??? As Tammy Wynette said, "Stand by your man'
basscatcher Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 It is interesting how this thread reopened. I am now dealing with this sort of issue to a degree and it is very nerving for the female when she wants to continue gettting closer to her partner and he becomes reserved and held back.. This kind of behavior can cause great damage in the relationship if he doesn't give just enough to show her that he is geniunely interested in her but he isn't ready to leap forward. My sweetie is like this. He has issues opening up how he feels about me in words and affection but he shows his interest in how attentitive he is towards me. He calls me every day and he makes plans to see me 3 times during the work week and then we spend almost every weekend together with little break. He talks to me about family issues, friends, the issues he is dealing with concerning his exwife etc etc. He talks openly to me about all those personal issues but has problems expressing his feelings for me. He is afraid to admit outloud his feelings. He has mumbled that he loves me but he gets really uncomfortable saying the words.. It bothers me but I know I can't force him, beg him, or push him to open up and just tell me point blank how he feels. It's not easy to deal with but for the most part I deal with it unless I am PMSing then I fall apart and become emotional.. He says he understands when I get like that and he just waits it out then I will be back to normal. I do understand why he is reserved and has issues expressing his feelings. He opened his heart and it was drastically crushed.. Then he opened it again and it was played with like a kid with a toy.. "Play with it for awhile, push it aside when you are bored, Then play with it again when you feel like it, then push it aside when you become bored with it again." I think anyone would build of a defense from being treated like that. BUT the fact remains its not easy for a woman who cares for, loves and wants her man and he isn't sharing what we need the most.. Whether it be sharing about whats happening at work, with family or like in my situation his fear of sharing his feelings for me verbally.
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Why not just accept the fact that you've got a relationship with the guy. Just be supportive and let him know that whenever he does decide to open up, that you'll be there for him??? well...because i wouldn't really know who he was...so I wouldn't feel that it was based on anything real...it would be like a piece of machinery...or like groping in the dark... I'm not saying a guy has to express feelings like a girl but he has to tell me what is going on in that head on a deeper level. To put the shoe on the other foot, I had a relationship with a guy for over a year where I intentionally hid my life from him. He knew only the barest stuff about me. Only what I wanted him to know. I did it because I wanted my freedom and privacy. I didn't want him to know I was involved with another man on a more serious level and that I was also dating around with others less seriously. I also knew that the relationship had no real future. I did it to keep him in the dark. He actually liked this!! The relationship never got to a deeper level. It was all BS.
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 pada you two have only been going out a short while. I think it's a huge mistake to allow yourself to think you're 'in love' or to go around saying 'I love you' all the time when you haven't even been together for half a year. I think your guy is very smart in not leaping into the 'in love' boat so fast and I kinda wish you hadn't either.
basscatcher Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 pada you two have only been going out a short while. I think it's a huge mistake to allow yourself to think you're 'in love' or to go around saying 'I love you' all the time when you haven't even been together for half a year. I think your guy is very smart in not leaping into the 'in love' boat so fast and I kinda wish you hadn't either. I never said I expected him to tell me he loves me....... He has told me that "He thinks, he loves me." He has mumbled "I love you in garbled words which makes me giggle because I think it is cute they way he does it but I am not laughing at him nor am I intentionally pushing him to fall in love with me or tell me he loves me clearly. Seeing each other almost every day and talking on the phone everyday is an advantage to getting-to-know one another, more then just two people dating once a week and talking once a week. We have covered a lot of ground in the past 3 1/2 months getting to know one another. We are just going with the flow and not forcing or pushing the issues. I can't understand why people purposely hold themselves back.. Why do people have to CONTROL things. Why can't people just go with the flow and let things happen when they are good and natural?? Too many games and power plays. Charlie and I have just let things happen as they do and enjoy each others company and time together. My feelings have developed and they haven't been pushed or held back. I am real with myself when it comes to how I feel so why should I lie to him. He has a hard time expressing verbally how he feels because he is afraid. Afraid to make himself vulnerable out of fear of having his heart ripped out of him again. I can understand this but it is frustrating and hard for me to pay the price for other bytches f***ing him up.. What is good for you may not be good for someone else. Each person has their own speed and way of handling things. I am not as guarded or judgemental as you are in some situations. Especially when it comes to matters of my heart and future. The biggest risks I take in life is love and I always will. I believe in it and desire it. I will never hold myself back from it no matter how many times it hurts me or burns me.. It is my faith. HIJACK of this thread is over. Sorry
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Why do people have to CONTROL things. Why can't people just go with the flow and let things happen when they are good and natural?? Exactly! Love is worth taking the chance...Even though at times it won't work out and some hurt will happen...The good feelings that come from love is soo worth it. And I know that isn't the case for some people, it is just how I feel about love. What could be right for me, isn't right for someone else... P, if you're happy as things are, enjoy the relationship as it is now. Whatever is going to happen will happen, right? And I do think too, that it shouldn't take months and months to find out if you love someone or not. Feeling love is the easy part. It's maintaining it and growing together is what the challenge is at times.
basscatcher Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 WWIU... excellent choice of words.. People should be able to communicate what they are feeling and be truthful. Fear ruins so many things in life. Actions speak louder then words?? I'm beginning to think you can't just have actions and no words. You need a balance to keep a balance and to maintain truth. Without the balance there is discomfort, confusion, power playing, lack of trust, loneliness and repeated relationship failure.
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 I can understand this but it is frustrating and hard for me to pay the price for other bytches f***ing him up.. What is good for you may not be good for someone else. Each person has their own speed and way of handling things. I am not as guarded or judgemental as you are in some situations. First of all, I'll thank you not to assume I'm 'judgmental'. I'm talking wisdom and experience here. I don't care how much time you spend together, the first few months are not good predictors of how a relationship will proceed in the future. Secondly, you are indeed judgmental since you can't let the man proceed on his own time and in his own comfort zone. He won't operate on your schedule and you can't make him do so so you get frustrated and think you're 'paying the price' etc. Leave him be and quit being so impatient. If it were me and some guy was all frustrated because I hadn't 'expressed myself' the way he wanted me to after just a few months, I'd start seeing big red flags.
Author l2hvn Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 wow... it's strange how this thread was reopened 3 months after i posted it. i haven't read all the posts yet... but overall, the guys who posted here don't want to open up because they don't want to be vulnerable because they think we women will use it against them and hurt them (baggage). why so much bagagge? that's the thing i don't understand. love is all about taking a risk, taking a chance. everybody's been hurt before one way or another. like, what's the point of being in a relationship if one person doesn't want the other to be emotionally intimate with them. just an update: a lot has happened in the 3 months since. i've learned to take a step back and just truly listen (not be judgmental) whenever he tells me something. i've also revealed a lot about myself to him. i know that he trusts me now more than ever. at that time, i realized that the more i pushed the issue, the more he would clam up. and even though it was already 7mos into the relationship (we see each other every day), it was still relatively new. we were both feeling unsure about each other, about the relationship... it takes him a while to open up. im not used to that. every guy acts on his own pace, his own speed. i just had to be more patient. i was. i still am. that's why i'm being rewarded... he acknowledges this part about him and he's been trying his damn best... and i'm happy to know that at least now, he's slowly letting me in.... back to my original question.... i think what it all boils down to is communication... learning how to communicate effectively without sounding critical/judgmental/demanding. sounds simple but actually awfully hard to learn (esp. for someone like me). and for all the women out here in LS who have the same issues like mine, i think the link below will be extremely helpful: http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,saver_79jcxw99,00.html good luck and keep posting.
basscatcher Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 wow... it's strange how this thread was reopened 3 months after i posted it. i haven't read all the posts yet... but overall, the guys who posted here don't want to open up because they don't want to be vulnerable because they think we women will use it against them and hurt them (baggage). why so much bagagge? that's the thing i don't understand. love is all about taking a risk, taking a chance. everybody's been hurt before one way or another. like, what's the point of being in a relationship if one person doesn't want the other to be emotionally intimate with them. just an update: a lot has happened in the 3 months since. i've learned to take a step back and just truly listen (not be judgmental) whenever he tells me something. i've also revealed a lot about myself to him. i know that he trusts me now more than ever. at that time, i realized that the more i pushed the issue, the more he would clam up. and even though it was already 7mos into the relationship (we see each other every day), it was still relatively new. we were both feeling unsure about each other, about the relationship... it takes him a while to open up. im not used to that. every guy acts on his own pace, his own speed. i just had to be more patient. i was. i still am. that's why i'm being rewarded... he acknowledges this part about him and he's been trying his damn best... and i'm happy to know that at least now, he's slowly letting me in.... back to my original question.... i think what it all boils down to is communication... learning how to communicate effectively without sounding critical/judgmental/demanding. sounds simple but actually awfully hard to learn (esp. for someone like me). and for all the women out here in LS who have the same issues like mine, i think the link below will be extremely helpful: http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,saver_79jcxw99,00.html good luck and keep posting. Thank you 12hvn. I agree with everything you have said. It is great that you are doing much better. It is wonderful to hear such revalations and good news. I am working on my patience and understanding in my relationship. I understand many of the issues and I don't intentionally push him or force him to open himself up to me about his feelings for me. He does however, open up to me about eveything else. Thanks for your insight.
Rebellious Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 I wouldn't "open up to you" either if I knew you'd be gossiping about me on the Internet.
amerikajin Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 back to my original question.... i think what it all boils down to is communication... learning how to communicate effectively without sounding critical/judgmental/demanding. sounds simple but actually awfully hard to learn (esp. for someone like me). Communication is definitely important. I think that if I may be allowed to make a generalization here, it is to say that often, what we say or think we want is often opposite of what we really want. I think that's true with women, I think it's true with men as well. For example, I will say and think that I want to have sex with some beautiful bombshell within the first two or three dates. The reality is, that's not what I really want. Sure, it would satisfy my short-term interests, but it would ruin things in the long run. Most people want to feel like they've earned their place with their significant other, and in return, they want to feel that their partner has earned their status with them as well. That's what all of us dudes were saying. Maybe for him, six months just wasn't quite enough time, especially since you were applying pressure. Maybe he felt that if he opened up when forced to, he would regret it the same way as if you had had sex with him before really wanting to give that up. Women say that want sensitivity in a male, and that may be true. But before all else, they want strength.
Author l2hvn Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 Thank you 12hvn. I agree with everything you have said. It is great that you are doing much better. It is wonderful to hear such revalations and good news. I am working on my patience and understanding in my relationship. I understand many of the issues and I don't intentionally push him or force him to open himself up to me about his feelings for me. He does however, open up to me about eveything else. Thanks for your insight. you're welcome, pad. yeah it's pretty hard for me to be patient as well, but you learn in time... esp. if you think he's worth it.
Author l2hvn Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 I wouldn't "open up to you" either if I knew you'd be gossiping about me on the Internet. and since when does LS become a gossip site? we come here to ask for relationship advice!
Author l2hvn Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 That's what all of us dudes were saying. Maybe for him, six months just wasn't quite enough time, especially since you were applying pressure. Maybe he felt that if he opened up when forced to, he would regret it the same way as if you had had sex with him before really wanting to give that up. Women say that want sensitivity in a male, and that may be true. But before all else, they want strength. i guess so. it's just frustrating sometimes. and i felt that it wasn't fair to me that he's still holding a baggage.
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