l2hvn Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 how can i make my bf open up to me? we've been going out for about 7mos now and i still feel that he still has some of his guards up. last night, after a serious discussion about our issues (we got into a big fight), he told me that he's not comfortable yet to be completely vulnerable to me. it takes him some time. i told him he has to let me in. it's the only way i know i can understand him better. but he's not letting me--- just yet. i've been honest with him since day 1. i wear my heart on my sleeves. im not sure what to do. has anyone else been in this kind of situation before? i feel like he still has a lot of baggage that needs to be unloaded. after all, he's 12 years older than me (im 26, he's 38). divorced (for about 6-7 years now) with an 11-year-old girl. in fact, last night, i told him i don't believe in divorce (i gave my parents' union as an example). and he said, "well, you're living in the wrong world because that's what i thought too when i first got married." so right there, i can tell he still has some trust issues. i need your advice on what to do with this. should i stay and be more patient with him? or should i go? thanks!
Art_Critic Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Hey babe can I get ya a beer ?? Besides just talking to him about your feelings there really isn't any way of doing it. Sometimes we guys just don't let someone in that far.. you just to keep up the communication with him to see if you can break him.. But the chances are you won't get to what you want emotionally out of him.. Read the book men are from mars.. that should straighten you out some
ReluctantRomeo Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 i told him he has to let me in. How would you feel if he told you you had to have sex with him immediately, now, on demand? Might just kill the mood, eh? If he has difficulty opening up, you have to entice him out, not bash him out. should i stay and be more patient with him? or should i go? My instant reaction is to say that you shouldn't be allowed to have a relationship at all, but I'm gonna be a little more patient... in fact, last night, i told him i don't believe in divorce Why do you even need to ask why he doesn't open up? If this is how you attack his actions, why should he think you'd show any more respect for his thoughts and feelings? Here is how you entice him out. When he shares things, even small things, I suggest 3 rules: - listen - don't criticise - encourage him to share a little more on the subject Keep doing this in the longer term, and he'll gain confidence and share all sorts of issues with you.
slubberdegullion Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 i told him he has to let me in.... No he doesn't. He doesn't have to do anything. i feel like he still has a lot of baggage that needs to be unloaded Maybe he does, or maybe he's dealt with it already. Only he knows. But harping on him to open up to you will only drive him away. ...i told him i don't believe in divorce... and he said, "well, you're living in the wrong world because that's what i thought too when i first got married." so right there, i can tell he still has some trust issues. Not necessarily. When about 30% of all marriages in Canada end in divorce (link), he's talking fact, not emotion. i need your advice on what to do with this. should i stay and be more patient with him? or should i go? thanks! If you're going to stay with him, back off and allow him the respect to open up to you at his own speed. If you won't respect that, then you'd better move on.
Cecelius Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I can't fathom what kind of "man" ever opens himself up that much. Someone has to be the man, it might as well be a man. Unless he's doing something objectively that makes you unhappy, why not let it go the ordinary course?
Author l2hvn Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 Read the book men are from mars.. that should straighten you out some hmm.. never read the book. i should get one. Here is how you entice him out. When he shares things, even small things, I suggest 3 rules: - listen - don't criticise - encourage him to share a little more on the subject Keep doing this in the longer term, and he'll gain confidence and share all sorts of issues with you. thanks RR. these are some really good pointers. men always work in mysteriouys ways. If you're going to stay with him, back off and allow him the respect to open up to you at his own speed. If you won't respect that, then you'd better move on. it's not about not respecting his wishes. i just wish i could see his real self: he's a tough, rugged man on the outside, but i know beneath the exterior lies a sensitive, caring person. i just wish he could trust me more, you know? I can't fathom what kind of "man" ever opens himself up that much. Someone has to be the man, it might as well be a man. Unless he's doing something objectively that makes you unhappy, why not let it go the ordinary course? well like i said, we got into a big fight not that long ago. one of the main issues is communication -- we both lack the skills. i'm more open to it but i feel like he's shutting me down sometimes. thus, the talk about him not opening up. i feel that we're not communicating. i might be talking apples, he might be talking oranges... because i don't exactly know how he truly feels... he doesn't tell me. and i can't read his mind.
Outcast Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 You can't make a person do anything; especially trust you. You have to earn it. Read Le Petit Prince and take lessons from the fox
ReluctantRomeo Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 You can't make a person do anything; especially trust you. You have to earn it. Read Le Petit Prince and take lessons from the fox But remember, you remain responsible for that which you have tamed in this way...
basscatcher Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Art_Critic men are from mars....Ah I owned that book. I borrowed it to a male friend who calls himself a alpha male and I never got it back. He said the book was a bunch of mumbling.. He just didn't want to see the facts to understand men and womens differences and how to understand each other better. I read that book 2 times. I need to replace it again. I'm not going to contact that man to get it back. Maybe someday he will hit bottom and read it.. hehehehe:D I have the other books that followed that book too. They are great books.
Outcast Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 But remember, you remain responsible for that which you have tamed in this way... That's right. You also have to remember that sometimes even though you see thorns, the rose really does care about you.
lindya Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 i told him he has to let me in. it's the only way i know i can understand him better. but he's not letting me--- just yet. i've been honest with him since day 1. i wear my heart on my sleeves. Maybe pull back a little. It's about achieving a balance - if you open yourself up to someone too much when they're not doing it back, that can develop into a defining feature of your relationship that gets difficult to break. im not sure what to do. has anyone else been in this kind of situation before? I've certainly had friendships and relationships with people who don't give much away too easily. I always find that the less you ask, the more they start wanting to tell. If someone's been through something painful, they're going to want to know that you can deal with hearing about it before they start opening up. People will give you clues when they're ready to talk about things. They'll drop in details here and there and watch your reaction to gauge whether you can handle more. Being too big-eyed and sympathetic might result in them clamming up. I find I'll sometimes react like that if I'm relating a sorry tale to someone who's a bit too gooey eyed about my plight....mainly, to be honest, because it gives me a sense of "this person is being an emotional ghoul and dramatising my problem." Probably unfair, but that's the way I'll tend to feel in those situations. I prefer a calm, empathic and reasonably understated response...and I've noticed that a lot of guys do too.
Mary3 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Its pretty much understood here that unless the man wants to slobber his all confessions on your shoulder and tell you every little deep secret , then if it has not happened in 7 months, its NOT going to happen. You can plead and beg but just let it go. As a former male poster said : If we act like that...then .. we are acting like a women and you dont want a women do you ? Let it go. He's either a gusher or an avoider. I think you have the second one.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Allow him to be himself. Don't push, but don't give up. Just be... Most men tend to not share things, especially if they're not ready. The more you push the more they clam up...He's told you already what he feels and needs more time. This isn't about you and what you did/didn't do, this is about him and his comfort level in trusting in general.
ReluctantRomeo Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 That's right. You also have to remember that sometimes even though you see thorns, the rose really does care about you. :):)
Guest54546 Posted January 13, 2006 Posted January 13, 2006 Hehe... Trying to make him "vulnerable", so that you can hurt him better. Why else would you want his trust, if not for the pleasure of betraying it? :)
Blackard Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 how can i make my bf open up to me? Not sure on that one, but I can tell you how to ruin a relationship...just keep doing what you are doing. ;p Look at it this way. Imagine a guy constantly bugging a girl to give him sex when she is not ready yet. Imagine him throwing fits, tantrums, pushing, pushing, pushing for sex because he "NEEDS IT NOW!" lol. That is how your "open up" argument sounds to a guy. ;p ...and keep in mind also that many a guy has "opened up" before and had it used against him in an attempt to destroy him, humiliate him as a "man". His ex-wife was prolly the last one he "opened up" to, and she prolly used it against him in court.
Blackard Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 I can't fathom what kind of "man" ever opens himself up that much. Someone has to be the man, it might as well be a man. Writing that one down. outstanding. ;p
whyohwhy Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 How to Make a Guy Open Up To You... How about a can opener? Seriously though, Romeo is right. The way you "make" anyone do anything is by making it FEEL GOOD to them when they do that thing you desire. I have a feeling you need some specifics here, so let me spell it out: When he shares anything with you, be it an idea, feeling, observation, or trivial fact, make it clear that you are interested and engaged. Pay attention. Never criticize or correct. Respond positively. On occasion praise or thank him for "opening up" to you. Oh yeah...don't EVER use this kind of thing against him.
amerikajin Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Okay, looks like I'll have to be ALPHAMALE today. Hello, ORIGINALPOSTER... ...actually, you don't want your boyfriend to open up to you and your boyfriend knows this. Women like challenge and mystery. Women actually want the opposite of what they say they want.
justagirliegirl Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 I agree with the others. Just leave him alone and don't ask about it anymore. If you have been betrayed and have things used against you, you will be very leary about ever letting anyone in again. When someone wants to share with you, they will.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 It's hard when someone you love is hurting and they won't open up and share it with you. It makes you feel useless and it's terribly frustrating. My boyfriend is going through a very difficult period. Tons of job stress and his dad is seriously ill. But whenever I ask him to tell me about it he clams up. I can't get him to open up at all.
amerikajin Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 But whenever I ask him to tell me about it he clams up. I can't get him to open up at all. <still waiting for alphamale to catch this thread> Because, JENJEN HEARTBROKEN, a man knows that if he opens up and starts displaying his emotions, the woman will perceive him as weak and begin to lose interest in him.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 But whenever I ask him to tell me about it he clams up. I can't get him to open up at all. <still waiting for alphamale to catch this thread> Because, JENJEN HEARTBROKEN, a man knows that if he opens up and starts displaying his emotions, the woman will perceive him as weak and begin to lose interest in him. That couldn't be further from the truth. I could never see him as weak. Never.
Outcast Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Because, JENJEN HEARTBROKEN, a man knows that if he opens up and starts displaying his emotions, the woman will perceive him as weak and begin to lose interest in him. That's ridiculous. Yes, there are women who were brought up to believe that men aren't human; that they are automatons without feelings. Any man dumb enough to want to go along for his whole lifetime pretending that's true will only hurt himself and the relationship in the long run because stifled feelings that get buried turn into little bundles of festering poison within them. So you have your choice - pretend to be 'macho' and without feelings and end up dead of a heart attack or maybe even murder her after the resentment builds to intolerable levels or look for an emotionally intelligent woman who respects men who drop the pretense of 'macho' and act as though they are human beings. If you've read Jen's other many posts about this guy, you'd see there's a pattern. Essentially, I do believe she's got herself a bad deal but is still unwilling to acknowledge it, cut her losses, and ditch him.
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