Dafneybambi23 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 Hi everyone so I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for 3 months now. He’s 12 years older than me he’s 34 and Im 22. over the past month I’ve noticed how touchy he is. here are some examples so you get the gist of what I mean. For example the other day we’d eaten such a big meal and we both joked about how full we were. When we were in bed that night I rubbed his belly and said ‘are you still full I am so full still haha’ and his response was ‘why are you calling me fat?!’ And then proceeded to storm off raising his voice and said that I always pick on him- I don’t at all! another example is the other day we were talking and his voice went really low at the end and I repeated the last word in a low voice just for a little joke nothing serious and he stormed off shouting that I constantly mock him. Then this morning we were watching television and a firefighter documentary came on about the importance of fire training and stuff and I said ‘you should be a fireman it looks great’ as he’s looking for work at moment and I then as I was walking up the stairs I said ‘ and you’d look sexy too’. I came back downstairs 5 minutes later and he confronted me and said ‘why did you say that about fireman? You obviously thought the firemen on tv were sexy how ducking inappropriate imagine if I said something like that to you’ Please help I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if he’s just so touchy! I feel like anything I say is picked apart and analysed and I’m so lovely to him and have never made him feel insecure or mocked him at all :( what should I do
elaine567 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 7 minutes ago, Dafneybambi23 said: Please help I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if he’s just so touchy! I feel like anything I say is picked apart and analysed and I’m so lovely to him and have never made him feel insecure or mocked him at all what should I do Leave is my advice. You will never please him. You will walk on eggshells, not knowing what to say in case he takes offense. You won't be able to relax and it will just get worse. It is emotional abuse. I guess it is why he is single at 34... 3 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 17 minutes ago, Dafneybambi23 said: 3 months now. He’s 12 years older than me he’s 34 and Im 22. he’s looking for work at moment I feel like anything I say is picked apart Sorry this is happening. 12 weeks dating is a good time to observe red flags and deal breakers like this. He seems abusive and enjoys putting you on the defensive and putting you in no-win situations. Reconsider someone who is deliberately trying to make you feel bad. At best, he seems insecure and like a loser. Talk to trusted friends and family about his bad behaviors. It may be best to cut your losses,it doesn't seem like it's getting better. 2
stillafool Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 I don't know how you stand this guy. Leave him or you'll be constantly walking on eggshells to keep from upsetting him. Who wants to live like that? 4
Blind-Sided Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 Well... mocking is childish in any situation. So... you may want to consider not doing that. But it sounds like he is on edge looking for work. BUT... regardless of that... the comments above are right. You are still "New" in this relationship, and the flags are out. You can't live your life walking on egg shells. It's time to leave. 3
glows Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 2 hours ago, Dafneybambi23 said: Hi everyone so I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for 3 months now. He’s 12 years older than me he’s 34 and Im 22. over the past month I’ve noticed how touchy he is. here are some examples so you get the gist of what I mean. For example the other day we’d eaten such a big meal and we both joked about how full we were. When we were in bed that night I rubbed his belly and said ‘are you still full I am so full still haha’ and his response was ‘why are you calling me fat?!’ And then proceeded to storm off raising his voice and said that I always pick on him- I don’t at all! another example is the other day we were talking and his voice went really low at the end and I repeated the last word in a low voice just for a little joke nothing serious and he stormed off shouting that I constantly mock him. Then this morning we were watching television and a firefighter documentary came on about the importance of fire training and stuff and I said ‘you should be a fireman it looks great’ as he’s looking for work at moment and I then as I was walking up the stairs I said ‘ and you’d look sexy too’. I came back downstairs 5 minutes later and he confronted me and said ‘why did you say that about fireman? You obviously thought the firemen on tv were sexy how ducking inappropriate imagine if I said something like that to you’ Please help I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if he’s just so touchy! I feel like anything I say is picked apart and analysed and I’m so lovely to him and have never made him feel insecure or mocked him at all what should I do Both of you are incompatible. He doesn’t find your comments funny. He seems edgy and rude however in the first and third instances. Mocking his voice pitch was childish. You are only dating for three months. When did you find out he was looking for work? Cut your losses and find someone closer to your age.
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 You're incompatible. He has no sense of humor and you like teasing. He takes everything you say as a negative critic. Goodness life is too short to endure that! I will let you in on a little secret, he will get worse as he gets older. You're way too young to put up with that type of BS from a bitter, no fun, insecure, older man. 7
Versacehottie Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 He is sounding very insecure and unconfident and yes touchy. Perhaps it's an at-the-moment thing due to his lack of job and/or perhaps he feels like he is not worthy of you in some way. Tough part is this is how he handles things when things aren't going his way--which presumably in life will happen many times. So then he misconstrues what you say and jumps down your throat. Not good. What's that saying: you want to see how people treat you when they have nothing and when they have everything? Haha well it's a better saying than that but very applicable here. To be seeing his side just a bit (as I mostly think he's in the wrong), perhaps your teasing isn't clear or is mean-spirited in some way or comes at the wrong moment (doesn't really sound like it to me) but it's something to consider moving forward. I think move forward with a different guy though to be honest. I agree with others about feeling like walking on eggshells or having to censor yourself and prop this guy up due to his ego issues. You really don't want to sign up for this (would say the same thing if the roles were reversed). And to also be real, you just might not be compatible. You want to be with someone who appreciates your little gestures and teasing or encouragement and sees them as such whereas he might need straight up and totally soothing and babying. Not your vibe and not his either so not a match. ps that he got jealous of some random and strangers firemen on tv is pretty much a joke. I'd be out. Good luck 1
BaileyB Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 I will simply say that he doesn’t sound like he would be very much fun to live with…
smackie9 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 I just read up to, You calling me fat?! and stormed off. Big RED FLAG. Dude is wack, kick him to the curb. 1
Ami1uwant Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 Here s the thing…people are senditive/ self conscious in. Retain areas. Everyone has a sensitive zone. Anyone who says they don’t is lying. he’s looking work work right now is stressing him out. Women tend to want someone making same/ more than what they do. he’s concerned on his appearance…is he fat, is he not slim. As a result he might be concerned you are going to leave him because he’s not sexy enough for you.
dramafreezone Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Dafneybambi23 said: Hi everyone so I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for 3 months now. He’s 12 years older than me he’s 34 and Im 22. over the past month I’ve noticed how touchy he is. here are some examples so you get the gist of what I mean. For example the other day we’d eaten such a big meal and we both joked about how full we were. When we were in bed that night I rubbed his belly and said ‘are you still full I am so full still haha’ and his response was ‘why are you calling me fat?!’ And then proceeded to storm off raising his voice and said that I always pick on him- I don’t at all! another example is the other day we were talking and his voice went really low at the end and I repeated the last word in a low voice just for a little joke nothing serious and he stormed off shouting that I constantly mock him. Then this morning we were watching television and a firefighter documentary came on about the importance of fire training and stuff and I said ‘you should be a fireman it looks great’ as he’s looking for work at moment and I then as I was walking up the stairs I said ‘ and you’d look sexy too’. I came back downstairs 5 minutes later and he confronted me and said ‘why did you say that about fireman? You obviously thought the firemen on tv were sexy how ducking inappropriate imagine if I said something like that to you’ Please help I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if he’s just so touchy! I feel like anything I say is picked apart and analysed and I’m so lovely to him and have never made him feel insecure or mocked him at all what should I do Well if you're mocking him then he's right to get upset. That said he does seem pretty insecure. I've dated many women that react like your BF does. If it's your nature to tease then this is just a matter of incompatibility. Some people can't tolerate teasing, this is certainly not that unusual though. There are two sides to every story though, and I think you may tease more than you're letting on here. Everyone that comes on here paints themselves as the one that's being done wrong in some way. I've found that those that tease playfully have the potential to berate others when they're in a bad mood. It's the same act, poking at an insecurity, but one is done in jest and the other is done to hurt someone. Edited December 28, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Tg11 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 32 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Well if you're mocking him then he's right to get upset. That said he does seem pretty insecure. I've dated many women that react like your BF does. If it's your nature to tease then this is just a matter of incompatibility. Some people can't tolerate teasing, this is certainly not that unusual though. There are two sides to every story though, and I think you may tease more than you're letting on here. Everyone that comes on here paints themselves as the one that's being done wrong in some way. I've found that those that tease playfully have the potential to berate others when they're in a bad mood. It's the same act, poking at an insecurity, but one is done in jest and the other is done to hurt someone. Yeah I would definitely leave while I still can if I'm you 1
Taramere Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 8 hours ago, Dafneybambi23 said: Please help I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if he’s just so touchy! I feel like anything I say is picked apart and analysed and I’m so lovely to him and have never made him feel insecure or mocked him at all what should I do It sounds like you have a playful, teasing personality whereas he takes things seriously all the time. A contrast like that could work if he was somebody who knew he could do with lightening up a bit, and enjoyed your personality - but as it is, it just sounds as though he wants to dampen you down. The not insignificant age gap probably doesn't help. You're 22 years old. Maybe when you're teasing, it makes him conscious of the age difference...but if you were to start damping yourself down and becoming old before your time in an effort to stop him being so gloomy and touchy, I think you would regret it. Do you really want to throw your youthful joie de vivre away for some perpetually offended bringer of gloom, doom (and possibly abuse, further down the line)? 1
Johnjohnson2017 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 He must have been teased a lot growing up, bullied at school etc. That's his problem, not yours. He is way too touchy. I wouldn't want to live with a person like him. 1
Lauriebell82 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 (edited) It seems like you are the laid back joking type and he is not at all...but instead of communicating to you in a healthy way how he feels about your jokes he turns on you instead. Not very nice of him! I'd explain to him how this is making you feel. If he can't-or won't-recognize how his behavior is effecting you then end the relationship. At the end of the day you both have to be able to be yourselves without having to walk on eggshells and get all bent out of shape about innocent jokes and comments. That sounds terrible. Edited December 28, 2021 by Lauriebell82
Lauriebell82 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 2 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said: He must have been teased a lot growing up, bullied at school etc. That's his problem, not yours. He is way too touchy. I wouldn't want to live with a person like him. I was teased a lot and bulled growing up as well. I don't take jokes well but I also don't react like that to people who joke with me either! It's one thing to be sensitive, it's quite another to communicate harshly and rather abusively when you are feeling triggered. My boyfriend is a jokester and I was able to communicate how it can leave me feeling sensitive due to my past. He was understanding and now he footnotes his jokes by making sure I know they are jokes (in an effort to be more sensitive) and it does help. I am much less sensitive about it now.
stillafool Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 I think you two are incompatible. Some people enjoy bantering back and forth with each other and it can actually lead to sex, Others hate banter, feel insulted and offended. If you have a smart mouth with a quick tongue he's going to be offended easily and will tell you off. Sooner or later neither of you will feel the relationship is worth it.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 Run. He's way too sensitive. Actually sensitive isn't the wording. He's wildly insecure. Insecure is never good for a relationship. You sound kind, and thus you might be reluctant to coldly dump him, even though you will save him and yourself lots of grief and conflict to do so. So here's some wording. "Look, my comments upset you. I don't mean to be cutting or mean. We are not a good fit. I don't want to pick my words so carefully, especially when I think my humor is harmless." And your humor truly IS harmless. I once had a woman feel my stomach and unlike you, directly tell me it was way too big. "That gut," she said. "You need to deal with that." Well, actually this was on a fantastic date, and there was no threat in her words, no meanness in her words. And we just kept going. She was a wonderful partner--broke up mainly because I was leaving town for a new job. I think I increased my exercise and improved my eating after her comments, but I wasn't insecure at all. She directly teased me, and it was harmless. And it's not like I was some insanely confident guy at the time.
JRabbit Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 On 12/28/2021 at 7:10 AM, elaine567 said: I guess it is why he is single at 34... Nothing wrong with being single at that age. Single doesnt mean there is something wrong with someone. 1
Calmandfocused Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have a job and is feeling insecure about himself and devalued. In which case anything you say about him he takes personally. Question; why are you in a relationship with a man who doesn’t have a job? And a man that is temperamental? Something about this screams that you don’t value yourself much either. Just a word of advice; I’m taking how you describe the above situations as fact, however just be aware of how your “banter” is being perceived. “Jokes” are meant to be funny and not at someone else’s expense. If your boyfriend cannot take your “banter” and sees it as “mocking” either stop doing it, or find someone who doesn’t mind a bit of teasing now and again. Respecting each other’s boundaries is key if you want this relationship to continue.
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