FMW Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 9 hours ago, Tg11 said: if she is sick like she claims. 8 hours ago, Tg11 said: she supposedly was with her 4 year old niece and her sister. You want more time thank she's apparently willing to give you and it seems you don't trust her reasons for not giving you that time. She yells at you about the gift you are giving her. Your response is to go silent for days and to consider cheating. 12 hours ago, Tg11 said: So that is why I'm wondering what I should do? I think you should consider that this may not be a relationship you should be in. You have a lack of trust, and mismatched expectations/desire for time together. With the poor communication skills you each are exhibiting, it's unlikely things will improve. 1
Crazelnut Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 In your first post, you said she asked for the gift card you had been given. This right here is just a big fat No. A decent person would never ask you to just give them a gift that you had been given. The picture you paint of her is one of a user -- she uses her body to make money, she uses men as an exotic dancer, she uses followers as an "influencer," and she appears to be using you with that gift card grab. She clearly doesn't respect you. You, on the other hand, appear to have immature coping and communication skills. Silent treatment?? Just no And you went back on your word by not just giving her the card. This whole relationship is dysfunctional. My advice is to just bail out and try to improve your communication skills before your next relationship. 1
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 (edited) OK so you told her one thing, then you flipped it on her. Some people have huge anxiety on change of plans. She was happy with a gift card...it's easy, she can use it when she has time, maybe prefers to shop in the off season, maybe likes to hit the sales so she can get more, or she didn't want you to make a fuss over her, whatever. BUT you didn't listen to her. Instead you flipped plans, and told her she had to go out shopping with you....that's pretty aggressive. If my husband did what you did, I would be pretty PO'd too. Even myself hate crowds, and going into stores this time of year. It's a pain in that butt, unpleasant experience. Yes you wanted to do something "more thoughtful" but you went the wrong way around it by being pushy and rude. There shouldn't have been a conversation at all. You could have done both. A gift card of a lesser amount, and a thoughtful gift to surprise her. Dude you have been watching too many Hallmark movies. This girl ain't that. You need to not force your reality onto her. Her reaction? Ya sure she handled it poorly, but so did you imposing your expectation on her. You want things to be great between you two, then stop trying to make her into something she is not. Let her be herself, let her keep her independence and her individuality. Edited December 27, 2021 by smackie9 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 What was the amount on the gift card?? Are we talking $25 or $500?? I'm thinking since it was a cousin (that gave it to you) it was more like $25-$30?? If so, I would have gave her the gift card and let her go enjoy herself and purchase what she wanted. For me, I don't "sweat the small stuff", life is too short and my relationship with my girlfriend is too important to get in an argument or fight about something so minor. In life you have to ask yourself... "Is this a hill I'm willing to die on" meaning do I really want to get into huge fight about something insignificant. For me, the answer is "no". Personally I keep $100 (in cash, various denominations) in a kitchen drawer, "V" knows if she wants a burger or some carry out or anything, just take it out of the drawer and I'll replenish it next time I go to the bank. I'm sure you spent a lot more on dating and getting to know this woman to establish a relationship with her. It doesn't make sense to get into a fight and throw it all away over a minor gift card. Don't let minor amounts of money destroy all the effort you put into this relationship. Just my two cents. 2
Wiseman2 Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 19 hours ago, Tg11 said: I don't tolerate disrespect especially when during our fight, she calls me names and after that I tell her to piss off. Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? It seems like a power struggle, incompatibilities and basic mutual disrespect. Have there been frequent arguments over resolvable issues? Is a fiery relationship important to either of you? 1
Els Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 I think you both need to work on disagreeing in a loving (or at least civil...) manner. There were so many ways this thing could have been settled that DIDN'T involve yelling, passive-aggressively withdrawing something, considering cheating, etc etc. I read your post and I was thinking the whole time: "literally making mountains out of molehills". I mean, if you can't even disagree over a freakin' Christmas gift card, how will you ever handle the big conversations that you will inevitably need to have if you carry on in this relationship? 1
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 Hold up...you didn't get her a gift for Christmas day??
Author Tg11 Posted December 27, 2021 Author Posted December 27, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? It seems like a power struggle, incompatibilities and basic mutual disrespect. Have there been frequent arguments over resolvable issues? Is a fiery relationship important to either of you? Almost 2 years or it will be in April but yeah I guess there have been arguments but we always manage to work through them but then again I see what you're saying 1
Author Tg11 Posted December 27, 2021 Author Posted December 27, 2021 56 minutes ago, Elswyth said: I think you both need to work on disagreeing in a loving (or at least civil...) manner. There were so many ways this thing could have been settled that DIDN'T involve yelling, passive-aggressively withdrawing something, considering cheating, etc etc. I read your post and I was thinking the whole time: "literally making mountains out of molehills". I mean, if you can't even disagree over a freakin' Christmas gift card, how will you ever handle the big conversations that you will inevitably need to have if you carry on in this relationship? Good point but me and her have not had as many important convos as I would like to
Author Tg11 Posted December 27, 2021 Author Posted December 27, 2021 49 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Hold up...you didn't get her a gift for Christmas day?? Yes I did actually but they were separate gifts
Author Tg11 Posted December 27, 2021 Author Posted December 27, 2021 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: What was the amount on the gift card?? Are we talking $25 or $500?? I'm thinking since it was a cousin (that gave it to you) it was more like $25-$30?? If so, I would have gave her the gift card and let her go enjoy herself and purchase what she wanted. For me, I don't "sweat the small stuff", life is too short and my relationship with my girlfriend is too important to get in an argument or fight about something so minor. In life you have to ask yourself... "Is this a hill I'm willing to die on" meaning do I really want to get into huge fight about something insignificant. For me, the answer is "no". Personally I keep $100 (in cash, various denominations) in a kitchen drawer, "V" knows if she wants a burger or some carry out or anything, just take it out of the drawer and I'll replenish it next time I go to the bank. I'm sure you spent a lot more on dating and getting to know this woman to establish a relationship with her. It doesn't make sense to get into a fight and throw it all away over a minor gift card. Don't let minor amounts of money destroy all the effort you put into this relationship. Just my two cents. Yeah exactly what I'm saying
Happy Lemming Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 4 minutes ago, Tg11 said: Yeah exactly what I'm saying Yes... in life we learn lessons. Sometimes we learn them the hard way, other times we learn them from listening to someone else. My father gave me a lot of good advice on all aspects of life. I can still picture him telling me "Don't sweat the small stuff"... 1
Snow_Queen Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 You were both wrong in this situation. She shouldn’t be calling you names and you shouldn’t be giving her the cold shoulder and taking back what you agreed to. In your mind, shopping for her shows that you’re taking initiative. She obviously doesn’t see it that way and that’s okay. This is where good communication comes into play. Good communication means calmly talking things out without being accusatory or volatile. You each have differences in how you view certain actions and don’t seem willing to meet halfway. That’s the real issue here, Instead, it explodes into a full blown war of who’s going to win this time around. You are solely focused on feeling disrespected rather than discussing how her actions hurt you. You both need to calm down and discuss how you feel using “I” words as someone suggested. As in “I feel this way when you do this…etc”. 1
basil67 Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 Why did she feel it was OK to ask you to give her your gift in the first place? I mean, who does that??? 3 1
Author Tg11 Posted December 27, 2021 Author Posted December 27, 2021 26 minutes ago, basil67 said: Why did she feel it was OK to ask you to give her your gift in the first place? I mean, who does that??? I mean I'm not going to lie I am guilty of spoiling her
basil67 Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 But still, she asked you to give her your gift!!! Yes, you might spoil her, but the fact that she seems to have no boundaries suggests she's been a brat long before you came along. 3
JRabbit Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 On 12/26/2021 at 5:05 PM, Tg11 said: I mean she messages me after but I didn't even open the messages she sent and I just deleted them afterwards. This is very avoidant and doesn't help. If you can't bother to read the messages how can you communicate properly. That being said, your GF is an entitled brat imo. 1
dramafreezone Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 It is just me or does it seem that this issue of gift cards doesn't warrant this type of huge fight that happened? What type of fight would it be if it were an actual serious issue? The phrase "don't sweat the small stuff" comes to mind. If she draws you into a conflict you just need to remain centered and calm. Matching her emotion is like throwing gas on a flame.
ASG Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 On 12/27/2021 at 10:45 PM, basil67 said: But still, she asked you to give her your gift!!! Yes, you might spoil her, but the fact that she seems to have no boundaries suggests she's been a brat long before you came along. I'd wager this is the kind of normal thing that OP does, so it doesn't even feel like a boundary that needs to happen, for the GF. I'd put money on it not being the first time this kind of thing has happened. Regardless, this is a ridiculous argument to have. Shopping for her is not the "nice thing" you think it is. It is only nice if its a surprise and you show up with it. Not if there's a gift card, that you promissed to give to her and then decided that you'd be doing the shopping instead. I'd be telling you to keep the damn thing. You deleting her messages and not replying is also very bad form. Have you broken up with her, yet? Cause I'm assuming you still aren't talking. And if I was in a relationship and my BF didn't speak to me for day, that relationship would be over instantly.
spiderowl Posted December 30, 2021 Posted December 30, 2021 On 12/27/2021 at 12:55 AM, Tg11 said: I mean I definitely was going to give her that card until I came up with the compromise that I wanted to shop for her Yeah well I felt in that moment she was being ungrateful because think about it, how many men would offer to shop for their girlfriend during Christmas especially when she wouldn't have to especially if she is sick like she claims. I only snapped because I felt like I was being disrespected. If you agree to something, like giving her the card, then it is best to stick to that without conditions. If you then suddenly change things and say you will get her something with the card instead (if I am understanding correctly?) then this is not giving her the card after all, it is taking that away from her so that you can decide what she spends it on. Once you agree something, stick to it. You were generous in giving her the card, that's for sure, but then you backtracked and she was angry you took control of it away from her. The question of whether you should have given her the card in the first place is a different matter. It is your card and you should not have to give it to her. If you gave it to her because she was pestering you or being unpleasant, then you should not have done that to pacify her. She should not be unpleasant or insult you. You should not go back on your word. It sounds as if you do not respect each other. Maybe there is some kind of underlying battle going on here. I feel that giving her the card then changing your mind to a 'compromise' is an attempt on your part to control thing (or maybe to express your irritation towards her as you say she was 'claiming' to be ill which suggests to me you did not believe her). She may be reacting to your attempt to control her. You may be reacting to her putting pressure on you. It is hard for us to know what is really going on here but it sounds like there is a lack of respect between you. Why did she resort to insults? Do her family behave like this with each other? You are still angry so it is best you stay away from her until you have calmed down. If you two are making each other feel so angry and upset, then something is amiss in this relationship. You both need better skills to deal with conflict. If you really want to stay together, then maybe consider relationship counselling because this kind of anger and upset is a red flag in a relationship.
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