I got into a fight with my girlfriend on Christmas Day

[Tg11]

I am 31 and my girlfriend is 26. I mean after the fight I had with my girlfriend yesterday on Christmas Day, should I even bother trying to communicate with her? Or should I just continue to shut down emotionally on her by not even talking to her and giving myself space from her? I mean I don't tolerate disrespect especially when during our fight, she calls me names and after that I tell her to piss off. I mean she messages me after but I didn't even open the messages she sent and I just deleted them afterwards.

I guess in some ways I still am angry hell I'm very much so. In fact it has been a whole day since I last talked to her and at this point I guess I'm just fed up. So fed up that I don't know what to do which is why I need advice.

Basically our fight was over an Urban Planet unisex gift card especially since she said she wanted my gift card that my cousin got for me for Christmas. I told her that I wouldn't mind giving it to her. She then tells me to hold it for her and I tell her that I will. However instead I change my mind and I tell her as a compromise that I wanted to shop for her because I obviously wanted to be more thoughtful or show initiative especially since she said she was not feeling well. But then she yells at me for wanting to do something nice for her.

But then I tell her that instead of her being grateful, I will just take the gift card back and use it for myself on myself instead because she clearly cannot appreciate it. Or appreciate that I'm actually even going out of my way to do something nice for her.

So that is why I'm wondering what I should do?

[Tg11]

Just be nice to get some advice here

[glows]

Don’t respond. Things are too heated right now. Reconsider whether she has an anger issue. Also be honest with yourself if you ever wanted to give that card to her. It seems you weren’t that keen in the first place.

Be careful with your agreements as trust is built on those agreements between a couple both big and small. You agreed to give her the card to use and it escalated when you felt she was ungrateful. Do you often feel like your initiative or actions are unappreciated? 

This also lends to the idea that you may not have felt she deserved the card. She’s an ungrateful person in your eyes who lashes out at you. 

I would rethink the relationship and figure out whether there are deeper or bigger underlying issues. You both are bickering now and splitting apart on minor misunderstandings and expecting the worst out of one another.

[Ami1uwant]

I’m confused

 

what was this fight about?

[Tg11]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Don’t respond. Things are too heated right now. Reconsider whether she has an anger issue. Also be honest with yourself if you ever wanted to give that card to her. It seems you weren’t that keen in the first place.

Be careful with your agreements as trust is built on those agreements between a couple both big and small. You agreed to give her the card to use and it escalated when you felt she was ungrateful. Do you often feel like your initiative or actions are unappreciated? 

This also lends to the idea that you may not have felt she deserved the card. She’s an ungrateful person in your eyes who lashes out at you. 

I would rethink the relationship and figure out whether there are deeper or bigger underlying issues. You both are bickering now and splitting apart on minor misunderstandings and expecting the worst out of one another.

I mean I definitely was going to give her that card until I came up with the compromise that I wanted to shop for her

Yeah well I felt in that moment she was being ungrateful because think about it, how many men would offer to shop for their girlfriend during Christmas especially when she wouldn't have to especially if she is sick like she claims.

I only snapped because I felt like I was being disrespected.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, Tg11 said:

Basically our fight was over an Urban Planet unisex gift card especially since she said she wanted my gift card that my cousin got for me for Christmas. I told her that I wouldn't mind giving it to her. She then tells me to hold it for her and I tell her that I will. However instead I change my mind and I tell her as a compromise that I wanted to shop for her because I obviously wanted to be more thoughtful or show initiative especially since she said she was not feeling well. But then she yells at me for wanting to do something nice for her.

Why would you go shop for her? Do you know her tastes well and her dress size? How would it work in your mind? For example, you are goin to get her a blouse that may or may not fit her, but instead, she has her heart set on a particular dress that she wants to buy. Why not give  her a card as was promised and let her shop for herself? Shopping for her could be interpreted as controlling. Maybe she thought that you want to control what kind of clothes she wears. I better compromise would be for both of you go to the Urban Planet together and let her pick out what she wants (with a bit of your input).  Not that name calling and screaming is OK, it is definitely not. Try to talk it our with her to see what really is bothering her. If you feel that you can't , then end it. 

 

Edited December 27, 2021 by Alvi

[Tg11]

1 minute ago, Alvi said:

Why would you go shop for her? Do you know her tastes well and her dress size? How would it work in your mind? For example, you are goin to get her a blouse that may or may not fit her, but instead, she has her heart set on a particular dress that she wants to buy. Why not giver her a card as was promised and let her shop for herself? Shopping for her could be interpreted as controlling. Maybe she thought that you want to control what kind of clothes she wears. I better compromise would be for both of you go to the Urban Planet together and let her pick out what she wants (with a bit of your input).  Not that name calling and screaming is OK, it is definitely not. Try to talk it our with her to see what really is bothering her. If you feel that you can't , then end it. 

 

I honestly wanted to shop for her because I thought that by doing that, it would show initiative on my part. But how would she know any of that especially if she doesn't even give me the chance to shop for her. Believe me I'm not trying to control her by any means. But like I said I was trying to be helpful but it obviously failed. I mean it is like I can never win with her.

[Alvi]

Just now, Tg11 said:

I honestly wanted to shop for her because I thought that by doing that, it would show initiative on my part. But how would she know any of that especially if she doesn't even give me the chance to shop for her. Believe me I'm not trying to control her by any means. But like I said I was trying to be helpful but it obviously failed. I mean it is like I can never win with her.

Don't shop for her, shop with her. Shopping for someone could be either a hit or a colossal miss. What if you get something that she hates or in the wrong color or a size? lol Better to go shopping together once she feels better. She probably should have explained  very calmly what wile she appreciates your offer, she would rather take her GF to go shopping. But yes, her attitude sucks. I bet there is more going on in your relationship, otherwise, her reaction is way our of proportion. 

[Tg11]

3 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Don't shop for her, shop with her. Shopping for someone could be either a hit or a colossal miss. What if you get something that she hates or in the wrong color or a size? lol Better to go shopping together once she feels better. She probably should have explained  very calmly what wile she appreciates your offer, she would rather take her GF to go shopping. But yes, her attitude sucks. I bet there is more going on in your relationship, otherwise, her reaction is way our of proportion. 

Thank you exactly what I'm thinking. But she never does that and whenever we fight about anythin else, it is always the same thing. I always get disrespected and she calls me out of my name. Yeah sure I do it back sometimes but not all the time. In most times I just shut down or I go radio silent and I don't talk to her for days at a time. I guess I do it to get over my anger. Or I do it as a defensive mechanism.

[glows]

12 minutes ago, Tg11 said:

Thank you exactly what I'm thinking. But she never does that and whenever we fight about anythin else, it is always the same thing. I always get disrespected and she calls me out of my name. Yeah sure I do it back sometimes but not all the time. In most times I just shut down or I go radio silent and I don't talk to her for days at a time. I guess I do it to get over my anger. Or I do it as a defensive mechanism.

What other fights do you both have?

You both have very little respect for one another. It may be incompatibility at its worst and the both of you not wanting to face that.

[Tg11]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

What other fights do you both have?

You both have very little respect for one another. It may be incompatibility at its worst and the both of you not wanting to face that.

Well in the past we would usually fight about communication or we would fight about her not spending enough time with me. But the thing is, when it comes to her, I knew what I signed on for. I accepted that. I accepted her and I never ever once tried to change her. Nor would I ever do that. Yeah well considering what she does for a living, she's a music video model but she also dances well by that I mean exotic and well she's also a social media influencer. I mean sure parts of me were insecure but I got over all of that no I did. I mean I accepted all of that. But I get what you're saying no I do but I just love her so much but there's only so much I can take you know?

Cuz I thought me and her worked through all of our issues but they seem to be coming back to the forefront after this latest fight.

Edited December 27, 2021 by Tg11
X

[basil67]

This is totally dysfunctional - for what it's worth, I would not tolerate someone who disrespects me or calls me names.  Nor would I tolerate someone who goes AWOL for days.   You are both behaving terribly.

My first piece of advice is to work out if you want to continue with her.   If you do want to make it work, I suggest reaching out and saying that you don't want to lose her but acknowledge that you're both exhibiting destructive behaviour and need to get it sorted out if you're to have a future together.   

There are so many resources on how to disagree respectfully and fairly.  Perhaps you could both work through the suggestions together.  It may take some time for the new habits to become normal, but it's reasonable to expect that she never calls you names again.  As in: if she ever does it again, you'll end the relationship.  Likewise, she would have grounds to walk away from you if you go AWOL again.  

https://www.psychologytools.com/resource/fair-fighting-rules-for-resolving-conflict/

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Tg11 said:

Well in the past we would usually fight about communication or we would fight about her not spending enough time with me.

How does communication turn into a fight?  Can you give some examples?

When you raise the issue of her not spending enough time with you, what kind of wording do you use to approach her?

[Tg11]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

This is totally dysfunctional - for what it's worth, I would not tolerate someone who disrespects me or calls me names.  Nor would I tolerate someone who goes AWOL for days.   You are both behaving terribly.

My first piece of advice is to work out if you want to continue with her.   If you do want to make it work, I suggest reaching out and saying that you don't want to lose her but acknowledge that you're both exhibiting destructive behaviour and need to get it sorted out if you're to have a future together.   

There are so many resources on how to disagree respectfully and fairly.  Perhaps you could both work through the suggestions together.  It may take some time for the new habits to become normal, but it's reasonable to expect that she never calls you names again.  As in: if she ever does it again, you'll end the relationship.  Likewise, she would have grounds to walk away from you if you go AWOL again.  

https://www.psychologytools.com/resource/fair-fighting-rules-for-resolving-conflict/

I guess when you're right, you're right and thank you really your advice means a lot to me. I mean I definitely did not know what to do. I mean I was even at the point of almost going out to cheat with the intention to. But thank you for talking me off the ledge.

[Tg11]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

How does communication turn into a fight?  Can you give some examples?

When you raise the issue of her not spending enough time with you, what kind of wording do you use to approach her?

I would actually say it calmly by asking her point blank just why she wouldn't spend time with me in the past and she would say she was always busy. But yet made time for everyone else but me in the past. But we did work through all of that.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Tg11 said:

I would actually say it calmly by asking her point blank just why she wouldn't spend time with me in the past and she would say she was always busy. But yet made time for everyone else but me in the past. But we did work through all of that.

Yeah, that's a really aggressive way to approach a problem as it's loaded with blame and would put her straight on the defensive.  A better way to approach it is with an "I" statement.  As in "I really miss spending time with you.  Do you think we could schedule a bit more time together?"

I know you've fixed it now, but you can use the same theory for other disagreements.

[Tg11]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Yeah, that's a really aggressive way to approach a problem as it's loaded with blame and would put her straight on the defensive.  A better way to approach it is with an "I" statement.  As in "I really miss spending time with you.  Do you think we could schedule a bit more time together?"

I know you've fixed it now, but you can use the same theory for other disagreements.

Yeah and I've definitely done that or tried to especially when in the past I would do things or go places without her or letting her know about it until after the fact. But like I said it goes back to communication and I definitely have worked on my communication especially when it comes to building a stronger relationship or I at least thought that I did until our fight yesterday on Christmas and I've gone no contact ever since.

[basil67]

Which brings you full circle back to the advice I started with on how to progress from here.

I don't suppose either of you had been drinking on Xmas day when you fought?

[Tg11]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Which brings you full circle back to the advice I started with on how to progress from here.

I don't suppose either of you had been drinking on Xmas day when you fought?

I know I definitely did not. I was sober but I don't know about her because she supposedly was with her 4 year old niece and her sister. So I don't know if she was or not but I was with my extended family and I was angry while I was communicating with her over the phone texting each other throughout.

[basil67]

OK, so there's another problem: arguments should not be had over text.  New rule for both of you

[sushiandtacos]

3 hours ago, Tg11 said:

I guess when you're right, you're right and thank you really your advice means a lot to me. I mean I definitely did not know what to do. I mean I was even at the point of almost going out to cheat with the intention to. But thank you for talking me off the ledge.

There's issues on both ends here but this is toxic behavior here especially if you had the intention to go cheat. I would advise couples therapy and really reflect if this relationship is right for you.

[Tg11]

2 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

There's issues on both ends here but this is toxic behavior here especially if you had the intention to go cheat. I would advise couples therapy and really reflect if this relationship is right for you.

I guess you're right but then again would that even work?

[elaine567]

The big mistake  you made was saying you would give the gift card to her in  the first place.
You then tried to take back control of it, so your word meant nothing. She got angry.
The fact you said you would buy the stuff for her was paternalistic and she didn't like it one bit.
Why would she?
Buying the stuff is almost the whole joy of getting it.
YOU buying it for her, spoils it completely.
Maybe she should not have asked you for the card, but it was your job to say no, right away, not say yes, then take it back.

I wouldn't bother with couples therapy.
If you cannot make dating work, what is the point of continuing any further? Couples therapy is for people in long term relationships.
You are contemplating cheating to pay her back for arguing with you. You obviously do not love her, so why bother trying to fix it?
Let it go...
  

[Tg11]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The big mistake  you made was saying you would give the gift card to her in  the first place.
You then tried to take back control of it, so your word meant nothing. She got angry.
The fact you said you would buy the stuff for her was paternalistic and she didn't like it one bit.
Why would she?
Buying the stuff is almost the whole joy of getting it.
YOU buying it for her, spoils it completely.
Maybe she should not have asked you for the card, but it was your job to say no, right away, not say yes, then take it back.

I wouldn't bother with couples therapy.
If you cannot make dating work, what is the point of continuing any further? Couples therapy is for people in long term relationships.
You are contemplating cheating to pay her back for arguing with you. You obviously do not love her, so why bother trying to fix it?
Let it go...
  

I mean I do love her but then at the same time I'm tired of being disrespected too

[elaine567]

Just now, Tg11 said:

I mean I do love her but then at the same time I'm tired of being disrespected too

You cannot make her respect you.