Did I mess up by initiating after third date?

[I_forgot_my_usernam3]

3 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Most of that is possible but I doubt the last part.  He sounded OTT in the beginning, but you also come across as inconsistent in your messaging.  What exactly are you looking for? 

Guys are going to want sex at some point, so you've got to decide if you're willing to go down that route at a stage before most guys will pull the pin and get fed up of waiting.

I mean at some point, obviously, but most reasonable guys I know are willing to wait until the girl is ready unless he isn't serious about her.  I personally don't feel comfortable with sex until exclusivity if. it chases a guy away it chases and im ok with that but usually I can tell if a guy is escalating and we will have that conversation. this guy hardly tried to escalate and initially struck me as not that type until the Netflix which is why I'm so confused by him.

Edited December 26, 2021 by I_forgot_my_usernam3

[poppyfields]

23 hours ago, I_forgot_my_usernam3 said:

..then the entire time was super quiet, he almost seemed annoyed I offered, and the vibe was just off....

OP, can you define what you mean by "he almost seemed annoyed"?  You said he was super quiet and the vibe was off so trying to get a better idea of what was actually happening.

I don't like to assume, that typically never or rarely leads to anything good or positive.

Did he snap at you, was he short-tempered?  Acting annoyed can mean so many things. 

If he simply got quiet suddenly that does not necessarily mean he was annoyed.   He may have been disappointed sex didn't happen but as you said he never even tried for it so there was nothing for you to turn down or reject in that regard.  

No heavy make out session in the car, him suggesting y'all go back to yours or his, none of that. 

It could literally be anything including that the vibe he got from you was off.  Admittedly, you said it's happened before due to your shyness, so it's at least something to consider. 

But again it could be anything, and let's not forget he has invited you out (on a date)  after the new year. 

The heavy texting prior to your dates doesn't mean a hill of beans either, when a man is super into you, that's par for the course imo and experience.  So that on its own I would not be reading too much into. 

I know everyone jumps to the sex card and men are dogs in heat and act like annoyed babies when it doesn't happen by a certain date and maybe he is too but the fact he never even tried for it, not even that night, causes me to question it and suspect it may be something else. 

Putting aside all the speculation, do you really like this guy, what do you want to happen? 

 

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[I_forgot_my_usernam3]

36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP, can you define what you mean by "he almost seemed annoyed"?  You said he was super quiet and the vibe was off so trying to get a better idea of what was actually happening.

I don't like to assume, that typically never or rarely leads to anything good or positive.

Did he snap at you, was he short-tempered?  Acting annoyed can mean so many things. 

If he simply got quiet suddenly that does not necessarily mean he was annoyed.   He may have been disappointed sex didn't happen but as you said he never even tried for it so there was nothing for you to turn down or reject in that regard.  

No heavy make out session in the car, him suggesting y'all go back to yours or his, none of that. 

It could literally be anything including that the vibe he got from you was off.  Admittedly, you said it's happened before due to your shyness, so it's at least something to consider. 

But again it could be anything, and let's not forget he has invited you out (on a date)  after the new year. 

The heavy texting prior to your dates doesn't mean a hill of beans either, when a man is super into you, that's par for the course imo and experience.  So that on its own I would not be reading too much into. 

I know everyone jumps to the sex card and men are dogs in heat and act like annoyed babies when it doesn't happen by a certain date and maybe he is too but the fact he never even tried for it, not even that night, causes me to question it and suspect it may be something else. 

Putting aside all the speculation, do you really like this guy, what do you want to happen? 

 

 

I really like him a lot. I'd like to keep seeing him, im also relationship minded so to me thats where it would end up. I actually did wish him merry Christmas and he responded and asked a couple of questions to briefly continue the convo but then it ended.  he's not nearly as invested at continuing the convo as he once was (wouldn't ever let it die at the beginning). 

sad that can literally happen over one misunderstanding, but i think im just going to leave it at that and move on because I have a feeling with this guy either he will come back around or just completely move on but either way he needs his space. the Netflix thing definetly made me question intentions myself whereas before I felt a lot more comfortable with him. 

in terms of the car ride he was just super pouty and weird idk how to explain it. like he didn't even say thank you when he got out and was barely talking the whole time even if I was trying to make conversation. I had to ask him twice where his car ride because he was so quiet lol. 

he struck me as a little immature so part of me wonders if he misinterpreted that as me wanting sex and wasn't ready but then the Netflix thing was weird. also the asking him out was the 1st time I ever really made a move so maybe he likes to be the pursuer and got turned off when I invited him out. idk. 

Edited December 26, 2021 by I_forgot_my_usernam3

[poppyfields]

Did you ask him why he was so quiet suddenly?  I would have, and have whenever it's happened.  Sometimes people need a gentle nudge, to know that you give a *.

I have absolutely no problem asking such direct questions, beats going home and driving myself crazy wondering! 

Communication may have solved this puzzle.  Because as of now, you still don't know.  You are assuming, speculating and ready to dump him due to your assumptions about what his sudden strange behavior "might" mean.

One thing I've learned is that these very stages can often be filled with uncertainty and misunderstandings (on both sides of the fence) and if you don't talk about it, the entire thing will blow up in smoke. 

This is not a Disney movie, it's REAL life, it happens.  

What about the date he invited you on after the new-year?  

A little honest and direct communication might determine the entire outcome - you either move forward together or decide to go separate ways.

Good luck whatever you decide! 

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[I_forgot_my_usernam3]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Did you ask him why he was so quiet suddenly ?  I would have, and have! 

I have absolutely no problem asking such direct questions, beats going home and driving myself crazy wondering! 

Communication may have solved this puzzle.  Because as of now, you still don't know.  You are assuming, speculating and ready to dump him due to your assumptions about what his sudden strange behavior "might" mean.

One thing I've learned is that these very stages can often be filled with uncertainty and misunderstandings (on both sides of the fence) and if you don't talk about it, the entire thing will blow up in smoke. 

This is not a Disney movie, it's REAL life, it happens.  

What about the date he invited you on after the new-year?  

A little honest and direct communication might determine the entire outcome - you either move forward together or decide to go separate ways.

Good luck whatever you decide! 

 

he hasn't followed through yet. if he reaches out and does then I'll go and we will talk I did try to clarify why I offered him a ride in the car when I noticed he was acting weird " I offered you a ride was because this area is so sketchy at night" but he barely responded. part of me wonders if I insulted his masculinity or something and made it worse by saying that lol. 

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, I_forgot_my_usernam3 said:

part of me wonders if I insulted his masculinity or something and made it worse by saying that lol. 

You have been 'wondering' since the beginning of this thread. 

My advice is stop 'wondering' and start talking, communicating.  Directly and honestly. 

How did you leave it?  You wished him a merry, you chatted for a bit and you are now waiting for his response to your last? 

Sorry gotta admit I'm getting confused by so many similar threads!  Lol 

Anyway, good luck and I truly hope it all works out, keep us posted! 

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[Allupinnit]

It seems by the posts here on LS that the vast majority of men online are looking for sex right out the gate with as many women as possible.

[I_forgot_my_usernam3]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

You have been 'wondering' since the beginning of this thread. 

My advice is stop 'wondering' and start talking, communicating.  Directly and honestly. 

How did you leave it?  You wished him a merry, you chatted for a bit and you are now waiting for his response to your last? 

Sorry gotta admit I'm getting confused by so many similar threads!  Lol 

Anyway, good luck and I truly hope it all works out, keep us posted! 

 

no he last responded but it wasn't anything respondable. 

[Trail Blazer]

On 12/27/2021 at 1:22 AM, I_forgot_my_usernam3 said:

I mean at some point, obviously, but most reasonable guys I know are willing to wait until the girl is ready unless he isn't serious about her.  I personally don't feel comfortable with sex until exclusivity if. it chases a guy away it chases and im ok with that but usually I can tell if a guy is escalating and we will have that conversation. this guy hardly tried to escalate and initially struck me as not that type until the Netflix which is why I'm so confused by him.

I'd be careful if I were you in thinking that only reasonable guys are willing to wait *however long* it takes until the girl is ready.

A reasonable guy won't expect sex on the first date.  A reasonable guy will wait a *reasonable* amount of time before having sex. 

However, a reasonable guy will not wait an *unreasonable* amount of time.  So, ask yourself, is that time you need "unreasonable"?

At the end of the day, you should never feel pressured into having sex until you're comfortable doing so with that person.

At thr same time, understand that people do not all operate from your timeline.  Many guys have needs, and serious guys won't wait months, either.

 

[I_forgot_my_usernam3]

Just wanted to update everyone on this. After I wished him merry Christmas we on and off texted. Things seemed to be going well, it was the holidays so I didn't expect to meet up but if he asked I would have. Day before NYE he texted me asking what my plans were and saying we should meet up at some point since he also was going out. This seemed low effort and just really turned me off - why would I drop all my plans to go meet with a guy I barely know who doesn't even have a solid plan for a proper date. I mean, I guess on one hand its fair because I asked him out last minute last time (but at least I had a solid plan and it was during the day), but this is also NYE and at night almost 10 days after we last saw each other and in a setting we would both be drunk with not even a solid plan in place. I basically said "I don't have time to meet up" since I literally had plans. He sent me a one word response "ok" and that was that. Didn't even try to follow up with something else. Onto the next. 

Edited January 1, 2022 by I_forgot_my_usernam3

[stillafool]

On 12/25/2021 at 10:47 AM, I_forgot_my_usernam3 said:

that's honestly what I wondered too but then he also hardly physically escalated until then 

That's because he isn't hard up for sex probably because he's seeing others.  He can play the long game because he has options.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, I_forgot_my_usernam3 said:

. This seemed low effort and just really turned me off - 

Sorry this happened. It's in your control to spare yourself this type of nonsense from uninterested men.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Make 2022 the year you screen well, cut your losses early on and save yourself the vexation of dealing with indifferent and confusing men.

[Calmandfocused]

17 hours ago, I_forgot_my_usernam3 said:

Just wanted to update everyone on this. After I wished him merry Christmas we on and off texted. Things seemed to be going well, it was the holidays so I didn't expect to meet up but if he asked I would have. Day before NYE he texted me asking what my plans were and saying we should meet up at some point since he also was going out. This seemed low effort and just really turned me off - why would I drop all my plans to go meet with a guy I barely know who doesn't even have a solid plan for a proper date. I mean, I guess on one hand its fair because I asked him out last minute last time (but at least I had a solid plan and it was during the day), but this is also NYE and at night almost 10 days after we last saw each other and in a setting we would both be drunk with not even a solid plan in place. I basically said "I don't have time to meet up" since I literally had plans. He sent me a one word response "ok" and that was that. Didn't even try to follow up with something else. Onto the next. 

I’m confused by this. If both of you were out in the same area, I can’t see anything wrong with him asking you to meet up for a NYE drink. Presumably he meant with yours and his friends? If so what’s so wrong with that and why did it offend you? He probably just wanted a New Years drink with you. 
 

If what I’m assuming is correct then you could have met up, had a New Years drink, then made plans to see each other again. 
 

I think you missed an opportunity here as you were too busy being offended …. Interest is not only manifested by going on formal dates. The point is he wanted to see you!!!!
 

Anyway you’ve missed this one. Apply a bit of flexibility and open mindedness next time is my advice. 

[Trail Blazer]

On 1/2/2022 at 8:52 AM, I_forgot_my_usernam3 said:

Just wanted to update everyone on this. After I wished him merry Christmas we on and off texted. Things seemed to be going well, it was the holidays so I didn't expect to meet up but if he asked I would have. Day before NYE he texted me asking what my plans were and saying we should meet up at some point since he also was going out. This seemed low effort and just really turned me off - why would I drop all my plans to go meet with a guy I barely know who doesn't even have a solid plan for a proper date. I mean, I guess on one hand its fair because I asked him out last minute last time (but at least I had a solid plan and it was during the day), but this is also NYE and at night almost 10 days after we last saw each other and in a setting we would both be drunk with not even a solid plan in place. I basically said "I don't have time to meet up" since I literally had plans. He sent me a one word response "ok" and that was that. Didn't even try to follow up with something else. Onto the next. 

Did he know you had plans?  Clearly he did not, since he asked you if you had any.  Or, at worst, he assumed you may have plans but thought it might be cool to catch up if you're going to be in the same area.  At no point did he demand you drop your plans to accommodate what he was suggesting, did he?

So, basically, you were "turned off" by a guy who you felt put it "low effort" when you yourself put it no effort.  What, do you expect to be wined and dined every time?  Given that it's the holidays, he was probably thinking that too much time was elapsing and he wanted to maintain contact so you didn't potentially slip away.

At the end of the day you cannot change how you feel and if he didn't give you a good vibe then it won't work out.  However, what you can change is how you think.  With a different mindset, your perspective will change and how you feel about situations will thus also change.

Unless you genuinely felt like he was only angling for sex since you both might be drunk, then I really have no idea how you can be so turned off.  You sound young - young people gather at social events and it's common to meet up with girls/guys there.

Who knows, you may have met up, had some fun, partied and really gelled with one another, at which point things would have flowed on from there.  Instead, you've discarded him because you had, in my opinion, unrealistic expectations.  Rigid and inflexible people don't do well in the dating world.

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’m confused by this. If both of you were out in the same area, I can’t see anything wrong with him asking you to meet up for a NYE drink. Presumably he meant with yours and his friends? If so what’s so wrong with that and why did it offend you? He probably just wanted a New Years drink with you. 
 

If what I’m assuming is correct then you could have met up, had a New Years drink, then made plans to see each other again. 
I think you missed an opportunity here as you were too busy being offended …. Interest is not only manifested by going on formal dates. The point is he wanted to see you!!!!

Anyway you’ve missed this one. Apply a bit of flexibility and open mindedness next time is my advice. 

Took the words @Calm, I was just about to post same!   

I think the disconnect was OP had an 'expectation' that he should have asked her out on a one-on-one 'proper' date for NYE and she became hurt and offended he didn't. 

Anything less than that wasn't going to work for her. 

Which is too bad really because as the bolded states, interest can be shown in different ways and it was clear he wanted to see her!  And a great time might have been had by both.

Oh well, what's done is done and agree with Calm, not every date or get together has to be so 'formal' and 'proper' and flexibility is a wonderful quality to possess and will serve you well when dating. 

 

 

Edited January 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Took the words @Calm, I was just about to post same!   

I think the disconnect was OP had an 'expectation' that he should have asked her out on a one-on-one 'proper' date for NYE and she became hurt and offended he didn't. 

Anything less than that wasn't going to work for her. 

Which is too bad really because as the bolded states, interest can be shown in different ways and it was clear he wanted to see her!  And a great time might have been had by both.

Oh well, what's done is done and agree with Calm, not every date or get together has to be so 'formal' and 'proper' and flexibility is a wonderful quality to possess and will serve you well when dating. 

 

 

My takeaway from OP's last post was that she was angry, but not that he asked her out on NYE, but for a date which wasn't up to her standard.  Claiming to be angry that he wasn't a mindreader and not knowing she was going to be busy was secondary.

The thing is, from my perspective as a man, I would assume any girl would be busy on NYE and never ask her out on a "proper" date.  However, catching up on NYE is fun and a good way for friends to intermingle, which usually isn't a bad thing.

If anything, a guy willing to meet a potential suitors friends so early, and likewise introducing his friends to her, shows a definite level of interest well beyond the scope of just Netflix and chill.

[Dis]

On 12/26/2021 at 10:14 AM, poppyfields said:

 

The heavy texting prior to your dates doesn't mean a hill of beans either, when a man is super into you, that's par for the course imo and experience.  So that on its own I would not be reading too much into. 

 

 

Absolutely

 

I know quite a few people who like to text a lot and I've dated a lot of guys who did right from the get go. It's not a bad thing. Just a preference. 

 

This hasn't been mentioned but it sounds like you weren't reciprocating his efforts in terms of communication. You said a few times you tried ending the convo or cutting it short. Maybe he picked up on the mismatched energy and didn't like it. If I wanted to talk to someone and they kept finding a way out of the convo for some arbitrary reason, I wouldn't like it either. 

[I_forgot_my_usernam3]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

My takeaway from OP's last post was that she was angry, but not that he asked her out on NYE, but for a date which wasn't up to her standard.  Claiming to be angry that he wasn't a mindreader and not knowing she was going to be busy was secondary.

The thing is, from my perspective as a man, I would assume any girl would be busy on NYE and never ask her out on a "proper" date.  However, catching up on NYE is fun and a good way for friends to intermingle, which usually isn't a bad thing.

If anything, a guy willing to meet a potential suitors friends so early, and likewise introducing his friends to her, shows a definite level of interest well beyond the scope of just Netflix and chill.

 

4 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Did he know you had plans?  Clearly he did not, since he asked you if you had any.  Or, at worst, he assumed you may have plans but thought it might be cool to catch up if you're going to be in the same area.  At no point did he demand you drop your plans to accommodate what he was suggesting, did he?

So, basically, you were "turned off" by a guy who you felt put it "low effort" when you yourself put it no effort.  What, do you expect to be wined and dined every time?  Given that it's the holidays, he was probably thinking that too much time was elapsing and he wanted to maintain contact so you didn't potentially slip away.

At the end of the day you cannot change how you feel and if he didn't give you a good vibe then it won't work out.  However, what you can change is how you think.  With a different mindset, your perspective will change and how you feel about situations will thus also change.

Unless you genuinely felt like he was only angling for sex since you both might be drunk, then I really have no idea how you can be so turned off.  You sound young - young people gather at social events and it's common to meet up with girls/guys there.

Who knows, you may have met up, had some fun, partied and really gelled with one another, at which point things would have flowed on from there.  Instead, you've discarded him because you had, in my opinion, unrealistic expectations.  Rigid and inflexible people don't do well in the dating world.

I guess you are right because he reached out recently and the vibe was so much better this time. I wasn't really angry he asked me out last minute - i think just after the netflix thing and car thing in the back of my head i was worried maybe hes after sex only (he did know i already had plans that involved drinking and it being late). I think if that didn't happen and he asked the same thing that wouldn't have even crossed my mind. There's some sort of communication issue here - I think what I have to do is go out with him and actually clarify what we are looking for this time then maybe we both can chill out and things can actually flow normally. 

Edited January 3, 2022 by I_forgot_my_usernam3