Luckyworld Posted December 24, 2021 Posted December 24, 2021 I genuinely want to know the answer to this becausew this can go one of two ways. So my boyfriend and I already understand that we have a communication issues that we’re both working on. However, every now and then there’s a misstep whether it’s him or me it really depends, but we try to adjust to appropriately understand the other person’s issue. Now, he gets on and off seasonal depression, and with Christmas on the way it puts him in a really down mood. Today in particularly was not a great day, and I didn’t make it easier on him by letting him know last minute that we were going to be spending some time with my family. I know how he had been going through a lot lately so I haven’t been forcing him to go to family functions I letting him charge up for Christmas. But I wanted today at the very least for my family and boyfriend all be together for an evening. Of coursed I apologized in advanced, however, when notifying him about the outing, he had a bit of a meltdown (just a moment to himself) before asking me “what was the bare minimum he needed to do to get through the evening?” I wasn’t exactly the most happiest about the attitude he had towards the occasion, but again I knew that he have had a bad day and I gave him an out. I told he can sit this outing out but he will have to spend the whole day Christmas Eve with my family. I thought of it as I can either have all of you or none of you, I don’t want a half assed energy when it comes to spending time with family. Of course my family is not the easiest, but no ones Family is. With some reluctance, he came out. He put on a good show for my family but I knew in the back of my head he wasn’t exactly the happiest to be there, what I would come to find out he was trying his best to be there for me.. I appreciate him trying to be out there with my family for me, but when it is us two alone, his attitude switched up and he made it difficult to enjoy the outing with my family since we were both upset. I am upset because although he tried and went out there he made it very obvious to me that he didn’t want to be there, only offering the bare minimum of himself “socially” to be with the people I love. He’s mad at me because he was doing the best that he can and it “wasn’t enough” for me. He ended up dropping me off home and kicking me out of his car while traveling between outings because we got into the argument in the car and I haven’t spoken to him since. Even if I am right I don’t think it’ll make it any better simply because we ended the night like that. Should I call him and fix it, or wait on his call? Please help, I really like him, but is this a red flag?
Wiseman2 Posted December 24, 2021 Posted December 24, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Luckyworld said: . I told he will have to spend the whole day Christmas Eve with my family I can either have all of you or none of you, I don’t want a half assed energy when it comes to spending time with family. Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? How old is he? Where are his friends and family and do you two ever spend time with them? Unfortunately you seem incompatible when it comes to family time. Your presentation makes it sound like a subpoena rather than an invitation. It's not going to be a happy holiday when everything is forced and begrudged. Take this time to reflect on if either of you are happy, if you are compatible and why your family get-together is framed as an obligatory situation. Edited December 24, 2021 by Wiseman2 2
elaine567 Posted December 24, 2021 Posted December 24, 2021 Dating is not only about finding someone you are attracted to and who is attracted to you, it is also about finding someone who seamlessly fits into your life. This guy is not a good fit. He has ruined Xmas for you and will ruin every other family occasion going forward... don't allow him to do that. 1
Atwood Posted December 24, 2021 Posted December 24, 2021 Nobody has to be in the wrong for it to not be working right. He's depressed and not enjoying holiday family time - it's not wrong for him to feel that way but he certainly isn't compatible with you and your family and doesn't seem to me meeting your standard for a partner. Again, nothing wrong with this, sometimes it just happens. You might not be providing what he needs either. Ultimately it does seem to be a mismatch in meeting each other's emotional needs, and there's no easy fix for that. I would give this relationship some serious consideration. Every relationship has problems you need to work on together, but there are some things that should feel easy and effortless in order to make things work.
glows Posted December 24, 2021 Posted December 24, 2021 Family is important to me but this was a last minute event, OP. You were quite forceful about him showing up. What caused the “bad day” for him? Was it at work? Be wary also of work stress or hidden stresses. Date someone who lives similarly to you and knows how to mitigate stress overall. I see this as two people under pressure and both of you expecting the other to be a certain way and resentful at the end. At the end of the day it’s NOT about this event or his attitude so much but how this person has designed his life and how you design yours. Take a good look overall at the way you both live and how you both handle stress or busy/hectic times. I choose NOT to date a person who leads an excessively busy lifestyle or doesn’t know how to handle stress or treat others fairly or with consideration. If your relationship goes a lot deeper than this and you care for one another, be cognizant also of the way you both live and the kinds of pressures you put on one another. 2
Author Luckyworld Posted December 24, 2021 Author Posted December 24, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? How old is he? Where are his friends and family and do you two ever spend time with them? We have only been dating for about a couple months but we’ve been best friends for over six years. We are both in our late 20s, and we always spend time with his family and friends. His family isn’t big on themselves getting together, but we do spend the time with them. I don’t have a big friend group so it’s goes friends we see more of too.
SumGuy Posted December 27, 2021 Posted December 27, 2021 On 12/24/2021 at 3:51 AM, Luckyworld said: ...Of course my family is not the easiest, but no ones Family is. ... Not really. Have been to family events of GFs where they are super easy, then ones where I think the Spanish Inquisition would be easier to navigate. If your BF has social anxiety or even just is not an affable outgoing type to those who have a knack for "difficulty" then your family events could be a big incompatibility for your relationship. Or they could be deadly boring to an outsider but filled with traditions and memories for the insiders. Not getting along with the in-laws is so common sitcoms are built around it. Given that you have been dating only short time, even if have been friends for years, this may have been too much too soon for your relationship. It's up to you how much you want to weigh holidays with the family in the overall relationship equation, personally I would explain why you value you it, why you thought he might and non-judgmentally say it is Ok if he does not (if it is OK to you) and generally make up and apologize. It goes both ways as well, if he says he can do it but then makes you miserable when he does do it that is not really agreeing...or more so agreeing to out on an act for your family but vent on you about it. Communication, understanding where you both are coming from, both admitting may have gone too far, apologizing and think of and connect on the good you do have together. It is not so much that we fight in relationships, but what about and do we fight fair.
bene Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 (edited) While I understand that he can feel uncomfortable at the family functions I feel that he should meet you halfway (and vice versa if it was his family). Christmas is a family oriented holiday and spending one evening with your family is not too much to ask in my book. I understand that holidays can put us down when already depressed because everyone keeps saying what a wonderful time it is and how we should all be with our loved ones and be merry. But if he’s suffering from depression then he should seek help. Depression is not a free pass to treat people badly and dump your problems on them. This is something to consider going forward, is this the way he handles things when you have a disagreement? Are you happy with it? Edited December 28, 2021 by bene
Tg11 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 On 12/24/2021 at 3:51 AM, Luckyworld said: I genuinely want to know the answer to this becausew this can go one of two ways. So my boyfriend and I already understand that we have a communication issues that we’re both working on. However, every now and then there’s a misstep whether it’s him or me it really depends, but we try to adjust to appropriately understand the other person’s issue. Now, he gets on and off seasonal depression, and with Christmas on the way it puts him in a really down mood. Today in particularly was not a great day, and I didn’t make it easier on him by letting him know last minute that we were going to be spending some time with my family. I know how he had been going through a lot lately so I haven’t been forcing him to go to family functions I letting him charge up for Christmas. But I wanted today at the very least for my family and boyfriend all be together for an evening. Of coursed I apologized in advanced, however, when notifying him about the outing, he had a bit of a meltdown (just a moment to himself) before asking me “what was the bare minimum he needed to do to get through the evening?” I wasn’t exactly the most happiest about the attitude he had towards the occasion, but again I knew that he have had a bad day and I gave him an out. I told he can sit this outing out but he will have to spend the whole day Christmas Eve with my family. I thought of it as I can either have all of you or none of you, I don’t want a half assed energy when it comes to spending time with family. Of course my family is not the easiest, but no ones Family is. With some reluctance, he came out. He put on a good show for my family but I knew in the back of my head he wasn’t exactly the happiest to be there, what I would come to find out he was trying his best to be there for me.. I appreciate him trying to be out there with my family for me, but when it is us two alone, his attitude switched up and he made it difficult to enjoy the outing with my family since we were both upset. I am upset because although he tried and went out there he made it very obvious to me that he didn’t want to be there, only offering the bare minimum of himself “socially” to be with the people I love. He’s mad at me because he was doing the best that he can and it “wasn’t enough” for me. He ended up dropping me off home and kicking me out of his car while traveling between outings because we got into the argument in the car and I haven’t spoken to him since. Even if I am right I don’t think it’ll make it any better simply because we ended the night like that. Should I call him and fix it, or wait on his call? Please help, I really like him, but is this a red flag? I would say both of you guys equally are in the wrong. My situation is definitely similar to yours but not really. But one of you guys is going to have to make that inevitable first move.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 (edited) I think it's both your issue...you sound like you have a habit of wanting to fix all the issues "wrong with him" and he seems like (in classic guy fashion) he would rather avoid it and instead not communicate well. This is the classic anxious/avoidant trap that can lead couples to a very toxic pattern. And it can go on for a very very long time! If you want to break the pattern then LEAVE HIM ALONE. I repeat LEAVE HIM ALONE. Do not try to fix or repair anything. Stop accommodating him. Instead (when the dust settles) communicate YOUR feelings about what you thought about the situation and how YOU felt. The only thing you can really control is how you are feeling and what you are doing. You can't control your boyfriend or fix his bad communication skills. But you can set appropriate boundaries and let him know how he is making you feel is not okay. Once you have done that..sit back and observe what his reaction is to you. If is a positive one then you are on the right track. If it is negative and he doesn't seem interested in trying to work on the relationship or trying to examine his part in any of this then certainly reconsider whether this is the right person for you to be with! Edited December 28, 2021 by Lauriebell82 1
Tg11 Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 2 minutes ago, Lauriebell82 said: I know others are saying it's not a good fit and someone should fit seamlessly into your life. While that is the ideal, realistically speaking I feel like even the most compatible couples need some compromising to make things work. It does sound like the more you try to accommodate him, the less he appreciates it and the more complicates he has. I have been in relationships like this as well and they didn't work out too well. I think it's both your issue...you sound like you have a habit of wanting to fit all the issues "wrong with him" and he seems like (in classic guy fashion) he would rather avoid it and instead not communicate well. This is the classic anxious/avoidant trap that can lead couples to a very toxic pattern. And it can go on for a very very long time! If you want to break the pattern then LEAVE HIM ALONE. I repeat LEAVE HIM ALONE. Do not try to fix or repair anything. Stop accommodating him. Instead (when the dust settles) communicate YOUR feelings about what you thought about the situation and how YOU felt. The only thing you can really control is how you are feeling and what you are doing. You can't control your boyfriend or fix his bad communication skills. But you can set appropriate boundaries and let him know how he is making you feel is not okay. Once you have done that..sit back and observe what his reaction is to you. If is a positive one then you are on the right track. If it is negative and he doesn't seem interested in trying to work on the relationship or trying to examine his part in any of this then certainly reconsider whether this is the right person for you to be with! Couldn't have said it any better
stillafool Posted December 28, 2021 Posted December 28, 2021 On 12/24/2021 at 3:51 AM, Luckyworld said: He ended up dropping me off home and kicking me out of his car while traveling between outings because we got into the argument in the car and I haven’t spoken to him since. Did he physically kick you out of the car? If so, dump him. Maybe at 2 mos dating he doesn't feel close enough to you to spend Christmas with your family. Would it kill you to go by yourself?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 On 12/24/2021 at 12:51 AM, Luckyworld said: letting him know last minute that we were going to be spending some time with my family. All of that other pointless detail is your attempt to camouflage your giant offense. Why don't you treat your boyfriend as your partner... and as someone with whom you share decisions and choices. You simply do not have the right to "let him know last minute" what HE is going to do. It is time for you to grow up. 2
Gaeta Posted December 29, 2021 Posted December 29, 2021 I am big on family and I dated for 5 years a man that hated holidays of all sorts. I did not impose anything on him, I simply accepted Xmas was something that brought him a negative feeling, I did not try to fix him, I did not ask him to force himself. I celebrated my Xmas with my family and he'd stay home in bed watching a movie. The rest of the year he was 100% on board with spending time with my family so it made it easy on me to accept my partner was not a Holiday person. Why not just accept who he is? If you cannot then move along and meet someone else. 1
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