Avoiding the Friend Zone

[chillii]

Yeah l dunno what they're preaching or care, no idea why people need to scientifically explain or otherwise label, spoil, such natural things that go on between two people or the opposite sex , like love ,being in love, passion , desires. But sexually think of it this way, women get very very sexual too, do they think the only reason is she subconsciously needs to produce. Ummm, l don't think so, it'd be stupidest thing you'd ever hear.

Edited December 25, 2021 by chillii

[Girl Fade Away]

14 minutes ago, chillii said:

But sexually think of it this way, women get very very sexual too, do they think the only reason is that she subconsciously needs to produce. 

I think I made the same point!   But they explained men's sexuality and what drives it is different from women's.  And it all happens unconsciously, this biological need to "spread their seed."  I still don't really understand it and how it relates to sexual desire.  

I think it's probably too nuanced to definitively answer this question, meaning for some men it factors in, for others not. 

I'm with you though, in fact many of your posts from OLDing to dating styles and now this totally resonate with me.  Tnx. 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[racquetbro]

11 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Going back to what I posted about men "spreading their seed," not at all surprised by this^^. 

Was/is birth control not an option?  Seems odd that a young sexually active woman would NOT be on some sort of birth control?   

Again something sounds off to me, but hope I'm wrong and it all works out.

I don't know why she isn't on birth control, we hadn't discussed that. I just know that she isn't. I also don't think she's been sexually active for at least a year, perhaps longer. So she may just be considering it not necessary yet. I know some women react badly to it physiologically. I don't know what her specific reason is for not using it.

[racquetbro]

8 hours ago, Poutrew said:

When a girl is handing out such a plethora of mixed signals as this one seems to be, the answer could be that she is trying to balance more than one BF - could it be she wants you for the home cooked meals, and someone else to scratch her itchy spots? 

Given the amount of time she's devoted to me, I would be surprised if she's seeing anyone else, just from a time-management practical perspective. With the exception of yesterday and today (Christmas Eve and Christmas, family events), she's never not been available when I wanted to take her out or spend time with her. It's always been my schedule that's the challenging one. We're also in near constant communication with each other throughout the day through text (including today and yesterday). It's rare that we go more than two hours without messaging or voice chatting of some sort, other than when we're sleeping.

But given that it's so early in the relationship, I also wouldn't have a problem if she was seeing other men and was up front about that, so it would be odd for her to go to any effort to hide it.

[racquetbro]

5 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I found the OP's comment that he would be excited (or be more excited than his gf) if she became pregnant interesting though.  As if to suggest the "idea" of it, that it might be possible, was exciting and a turn on.

I don't want my statement confused with something like "I wanted to get her pregnant", because that's certainly not the case. Only that I'm more certain than she is about wanting (more) kids. Probably because I'm a parent and I love it, and I have that experience to draw from.. and she's not a parent, so she doesn't "know what she's missing", so to speak.

[chillii]

No big deal really, been in similar situations a few times.

lt's just about some things she's said on your mind and your friend zone stuff but you'll sort it out anyway one way or other with just seeing a bit more of her if you wanted to.

Edited December 26, 2021 by chillii

[glows]

Focus on your 19 month old. When was your divorce? On the topic of wanting to know what she thinks, follow a person’s actions. Despite the back and forth on this I still think you are confusing yourself regularly and heavily preoccupied with trying to create perfection or ensure she’s completely into you. 

I actually do think she likes your company but it seems quite physical and neither of you know yet whether you are compatible. All you’ve done together is talk about things. Time hasn’t tested you as a couple. 

You mentioned not letting what she thinks affect who you are or your actions anyway. This is a new romance and if this person is special especially so soon after your divorce. (Are you divorced or separated?) it’s natural to be so wrapped up and want to talk about it at every turn. 

Take your time and enjoy.

[racquetbro]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Focus on your 19 month old.

Definitely.. that's where my primary focus is. He's wonderful! I hired a full-time nanny October 2020 because I couldn't get any work done (he's so darn cute I don't want to do anything else when I'm with him). So his nanny has him Monday through Friday 7am to 4pm, which is when I work, or do anything that I need to do where I can't watch him (like get a haircut). He also spends time with his grandma and some other family members, and he has a couple of babysitters that he really likes. So I have a good support structure with him.

Not this past week, but the week before that we spent the week in Disney World together (his first trip.. I used to go all the time before Covid) and we had a blast. He's a great little flier too.

5 hours ago, glows said:

When was your divorce?

Divorced, about a year ago. She came home from a work trip, told me she had been having an affair, didn't want to be a mom, never bonded with our son, and took off. We had some known incompatibilities prior to having a son that didn't really matter much until he was born. Not the least of which is that she liked being the center of attention, and I enjoyed making her the center of attention. But my attention had to focus to our son, obviously, and despite recognizing why it was necessary, she didn't like the change in lifestyle that becoming a parent meant. It was an initial shock when it happened, but not a surprise, if that makes sense. Everything that I know about her fits what happened, so it was probably predictable. She's a very socialable narcissist that can read the room well and act the way she thinks she's supposed to act, so she has many acquaintances that like her company, but not any long-term friends since she doesn't have much capacity to form real relationships. That's a problem for a parent.

In any case, I've been a student of psychology for about 15 years, and went through a bit of therapy in order to process everything. I don't have any particular hangups or lingering issues with what happened or with the relationship ending.

5 hours ago, glows said:

Despite the back and forth on this I still think you are confusing yourself regularly and heavily preoccupied with trying to create perfection or ensure she’s completely into you. 

Yes, I think you're right.

5 hours ago, glows said:

I actually do think she likes your company but it seems quite physical and neither of you know yet whether you are compatible. All you’ve done together is talk about things. Time hasn’t tested you as a couple. 

We had actually talked a little about this as well, because I think it's correct. I thought it would be interesting to see how we would address conflict, since that's obviously a necessary skill in a relationship.

5 hours ago, glows said:

You mentioned not letting what she thinks affect who you are or your actions anyway. This is a new romance and if this person is special especially so soon after your divorce. (Are you divorced or separated?) it’s natural to be so wrapped up and want to talk about it at every turn. 

I don't think it has anything to do with being recently divorced. I've always been this way when I'm into someone that I think is special, even while dating prior to being married. This woman is the fifth person I've dated since my divorce, but I didn't have any particular connections with the others, so I didn't continue with any of them.

[chillii]

Yeah , you are worrying way too much way too early , things all bring themselves to light with just a bit of time together , really , try to chill on it all with her.

Very sorry about your marriage and circumstances , that's very rough stuff man. So at the same time though yeah be carefully selective of the sort of personality in a woman you get involved with next time eh, and treasure the beautiful son of yours. Good luck.

Edited December 26, 2021 by chillii

[Allupinnit]

You've barely been divorced for a year and have a toddler.  From the way you write you come across as incredibly insecure regarding women, and even though you SAY you're over the divorce I would think it would be nearly impossible given the way she up and left unexpectedly, leaving you with a 9-month-old baby.

I really hate the words "friend zone."  It implies that there is a way you can manipulate a woman's feelings into sleeping with you rather than seeing you as a friend, as if a woman doesn't know her own mind.  No one is owed romantic affection.  "Let's be friends" is one of the most hollow rejections you will hear and it just means she isn't attracted to you.  The "friend zone" plays into the "nice guy" syndrome and it's misogynistic at its core.  As if being friends with a woman is vastly inferior to getting to sleep with her.

This is just the vibe I'm getting from you.

[Tg11]

I would definitely move on with someone new because you are already in that zone and there's no coming out of it