Avoiding the Friend Zone

[racquetbro]

Looking for advice.

I'm 43 dating a 35-year-old woman for the last three weeks. Things are generally going well, but they seemed to be going better last week than this week.

This past weekend, she was at my house where I made dinner, and we hung out, cuddled, and watched a movie. We started making out (this wasn't the plan, it just happened naturally). It started getting a bit heavier, and she said that she didn't want to have sex because she was ovulating and didn't want to risk anything (even with protection). I was fine with that, I'm not in a rush.

Her and I are both on the same page with what we want. We're looking for our forever partners. So we don't have to do everything now. We're trying to balance "don't move too quickly that we ruin what we're working toward" with "don't move so slowly that the other person thinks we're not interested."

So during this make-out on my couch, if it had ended there, it would have been fine. If the idea that she didn't want to go all the way wouldn't have been brought up, and we did, it would have been good too. The problem is that after she told me that it wasn't going to happen, she kept pulling me in. So I was interpreting mixed signals. I continued, a little hesitantly because I didn't know what she wanted. I would do some things that she would lean into, and I would do other things that she would physically stop me from doing. She kept saying she had to leave (and she did have work early in the morning), but then she kept pulling me back in.

Needless to say I was very confused about what I should have been doing. This lead to many mistakes on my part. I would start something, then hesitate. She said some things to me that were super hot that I didn't respond to verbally that I should have, and normally I would have (so from her perspective I ignored her). She said she was getting too horny and wanted to stop, because she would end up with a headache if she "didn't finish" (and since we weren't going to have sex, she wouldn't). I told her there are other ways I can take care of that for her, and she said "No, I know me, when we do it, I want it all".

I felt like I was getting a lot of mixed signals, so I didn't know how to read the situation. Because of that, I came across as hesitant, shy, and insecure, all of which would be turn-offs for her. That's how she interpreted it.

We're very open and comfortable talking with each other about things, including this (I won't date someone if they aren't comfortable with openness). So we've talked about this quite a bit the last few days. I told her my perception of the situation (as I described it above). She told me that she was worried that I'm too shy (I'm definitely not). We've both reiterated to each other that we're interested in this relationship working because, outside of this, we're very compatible so far. It's my belief that we're very sexually compatible too, but this passed weekend was a bit of a false start because of the circumstances.

To back up, I'm fairly physically reserved with someone when I start dating (I'm not big on kissing on the first date, for instance), and then open up physically as my comfort level with the person goes up and the emotional connection increases, all the way up to kinky once I really get into someone. So most of what she's seen up to this point is more "reserved" me. I was on vacation out of town last week, so our interactions last week (prior to the weekend) were primarily through chat and video calls. The most "explicit" talk last week was along the lines of "I can't wait to get home so I can kiss you" and such. This week, I'm comfortable with much more (like telling her that I want to taste her), and she's not (but she would have been had this past weekend not happened the way it did). While we were making out, she asked me if I was kinky, I told her I was, and I asked her if she was, and she said yes.

So as her and I are talking about everything, I told her that I'm concerned we're in a bit of a catch-22. If I continue to be "reserved" even though I think we've progressed beyond that (so that's not how I'm going to be naturally going forward), I'm going to confirm to her the fears that she has about me being too shy. If I act the way I want to act, she's going to think that it's not natural, and just me "forcing" a different personality because it's what I think she wants. I told her that I have no desire to be a "relationship chameleon" simply adapting to what someone else wants and erasing my own identity, because that would be a terrible existence.

Her suggestion to this whole thing is to just wait and see what happens. Not to force anything, let's not "schedule" intimacy, etc, and then see how things progress. I think that's a good call, and I'm fine with that, and I think in general it's the right approach. That is, I don't want to be like "let's get together at my house this weekend and give it another chance".. that's not natural. I just want to hang out with her like we were before, and see where things go. If it works, then great. And if it doesn't, then oh well. Being sexually incompatible is a deal-breaker for both of us. So what I don't want is for us to continue on and she thinks we're incompatible based on this past weekend because she's created an immutable impression of me.

I already know I have to get better at reading her (she's much more difficult in this sense than anyone else I've dated), which means that maybe this past weekend happened too soon in the relationship for me to recognize her signs so that I know if she wants me to stop or go. I'm perfectly fine with that. What I'm looking for is general advice on how to proceed in this "just wait and see what happens" phase. I'm sure it'll come down to "just be yourself". The best way I can resolve the catch-22, I think, is to be genuinely me consistently (which is just how I am anyway) so that she sees that it's not just me acting how I think she wants me to act. And maybe that's all there is to it.

Mostly I think I want to make sure that I don't become "friend zoned" during this time. I think we're going to get along just fine, that's not the concern. So I'm grateful for any input that anyone having experienced something similar might have.

I'm also interested in any thoughts on how I could have handled this weekend's situation differently, because if it happens like this again I don't want to make the same mistakes. One thought is that I could have put the brakes on the whole thing. But I didn't know if she was just okay with making out, and I certainly am. And I wouldn't have wanted that to come across as "if you won't have sex with me, then don't bother". So it might have avoided this situation, but it could have created another one. Even after this all happened, if the situation were to occur again, I'm still not confident that that would be the right move. She also said that she likes to be very submissive in this regard. So despite our general openness, I think the last thing she wants is for me to ask her. I'm supposed to "just know".

In any case, if you've stuck with my "essay" for this long, much appreciated! And thanks in advance for any input.

[glows]

You didn’t make any mistakes. Be careful with the negative self-talk and analysis paralysis. Yes, utterly and absolutely be yourself and also respect her boundaries.

She was horny and didn’t want to do anything about it. That’s her choice, her problem and she’ll just have to squirm around wondering what she is missing out on. Teasing you was part of the fun. Have fun with it and flirt with her also. Tease her and don’t take her coming on to you so seriously. 

You seem attached and worried about what she thinks. Remember at the end of the day she’s not the last woman around. If she doesn’t do it for you and she’s incompatible or not worth the headache move on. 

[racquetbro]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

You didn’t make any mistakes. Be careful with the negative self-talk and analysis paralysis. Yes, utterly and absolutely be yourself and also respect her boundaries.

  Okay.. then I have a follow-up question about that, because "boundaries" were heavily on my mind during this. I think that might be part of the issue, is that with the signals I was getting, I don't know where those boundaries were. What advice do you have on being able to read that?

[glows]

5 minutes ago, racquetbro said:

  Okay.. then I have a follow-up question about that, because "boundaries" were heavily on my mind during this. I think that might be part of the issue, is that with the signals I was getting, I don't know where those boundaries were. What advice do you have on being able to read that?

No sex as in PIV sex. Clarify with her in future. Everything else she was teasing you and that’s not such a bad thing. I would not stress about it. 

If a partner tells you you’re compatible with her and she is attracted to you it’s unlikely you’ll be in the friend zone. Don’t walk on eggshells for her or anything. Let go of those fears. 

Edited December 23, 2021 by glows

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, racquetbro said:

The problem is that after she told me that it wasn't going to happen, she kept pulling me in

 

1 hour ago, racquetbro said:

She told me that she was worried that I'm too shy 

 

1 hour ago, racquetbro said:

She also said that she likes to be very submissive

Based on above quotes, sounds to me like this may have been one of those instances where her "no" actually meant "yes."

She's a submissive (sexually), as such she wanted you to "take" her, to dominate her.  That's why after she said no, she kept pulling you in.

If you are not dominant in bed, and you continue to act "shy" (her word) she may consider you sexually incompatible and your fear may come to fruition-- you may end up in friendzone. 

Just my take based on again the above quotes, specifically the last one.

That said, not knowing her sexual style at that moment,, and receiving such mixed signals, you did the right thing. 

Good luck. 

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[racquetbro]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

No sex as in PIV sex. Clarify with her in future. Everything else she was teasing you and that’s not such a bad thing. I would not stress about it. 

If a partner tells you you’re compatible with her and she is attracted to you it’s unlikely you’ll be in the friend zone. Don’t walk on eggshells for her or anything. Let go of those fears. 

Got it.. thank you!

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Based on above quotes, sounds to me like this was one of those instances where her "no" meant "yes."

She's a submissive, as such she wanted you to "take" her, to dominate her.  That's why after she said no, she kept pulling you in.

If you are not dominant in bed, and you continue to act "shy" (her word) she may consider you sexually incompatible and your fear come to fruition--  will end up in friendzone. 

Just my take, good luck. 

This is a very difficult one as he doesn't know her and whilst she may  indeed be "submissive", "no" may still mean exactly "no" this early in their dating, and he is up in court in the morning...
I don't think "No because I am ovulating" is a particular come on either...

[Girl Fade Away]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is a very difficult one as he doesn't know her and whilst she may  indeed be "submissive", "no" may still mean exactly "no" this early in their dating, and he is up in court in the morning...
I don't think "No because I am ovulating" is a particular come on either...

Agree, hence the last paragraph of my post which I added.

Not knowing her sexual style at that moment, he did the right thing.

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, why do you feel it's your responsibility to "fix" things here?

She has a role in this too. It's not up to you to read her - she needs to be clearer as well. 

[racquetbro]

3 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Based on above quotes, sounds to me like this was one of those instances where her "no" meant "yes."

She's a submissive, as such she wanted you to "take" her, to dominate her.  That's why after she said no, she kept pulling you in.

If you are not dominant in bed, and you continue to act "shy" (her word) she may consider you sexually incompatible and your fear come to fruition--  will end up in friendzone. 

Just my take, good luck.

Yes, I think that's a very good take, and that's exactly my concern. I'm generally dominant, but I had never been in a situation where someone told me very explicitly that it's not going to happen, and then proceeded as if they really wanted it to happen. My actions thereafter were based on confusion about what boundaries really existed, not out of shyness.

So then I have followup questions for you:

1. How do I know what the boundaries are? If "no" meant "yes", then fine. But I'm going to be somewhat cautious about that, I'm not going to risk raping her obviously (unless she's into that, but that's a different discussion ). This is where I suspect maybe we jumped into this stage a bit too soon.. these are things that I should probably be able to pick up on with her specifically I would think.
2. How do I portray that I'm genuinely not a shy person? I know how to not be shy, that's not the question. My concern (particularly because she stated it) is that she's going to discern this as me "forcing" myself to be what I think she wants. That's definitely not going to happen, because I'm not changing who I am for anyone. But she has no way of knowing that for sure. So is this just a matter of time and consistency on my part?

[racquetbro]

26 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is a very difficult one as he doesn't know her and whilst she may  indeed be "submissive", "no" may still mean exactly "no" this early in their dating, and he is up in court in the morning...
I don't think "No because I am ovulating" is a particular come on either...

Yeah, that's where I'm at with it too. "No" could mean "yes", or it could mean "no", or it could mean "let's just make out instead".. I think it's too early for me to know that.

[racquetbro]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, why do you feel it's your responsibility to "fix" things here?

She has a role in this too. It's not up to you to read her - she needs to be clearer as well. 

I don't think it's my responsibility. If things were mediocre or poor to this point, and this was just another issue piling on, then I'd say it's time to move on. Despite being such a short time, I don't think I've ever had things go this well before. So I think I have an interest in checking to see if a "bump in the road" is just that and can be smoothed out, or will turn into a bigger problem.

Regarding your second statement, this is where I start to think that we moved too quickly. Prior to this weekend, the most we did was hug. We went from first kiss in the morning to much more that same evening. So I'm thinking maybe there just wasn't time for either of us to "be clear" about our styles. If we had, I think we would have avoided this awkward confusion.

So now my instinct is to slow down, but I don't want to come across as having lost interest.

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, racquetbro said:

Yeah, that's where I'm at with it too. "No" could mean "yes", or it could mean "no", or it could mean "let's just make out instead".. I think it's too early for me to know that.

Exactly. 

You barely know the woman, and certainly not enough to assume that "no" means anything else but "no." 

Try to relax a bit more. This is not all on you. It's also on her to let you be yourself and not make assumptions too early. 

[elaine567]

I have a feeling she stopped the sex from happening but she didn't want to leave you with the impression she doesn't want/like sex or she finds you unappealing, hence  repeatedly pulling you back in.
Telling you "Yes I find you hot and I want to have sex with you, but we just can't have sex tonight." 
 

[Girl Fade Away]

OP, since this happened, she has communicated that she enjoys being submissive.  

She also told you her concern is that you are too shy (for her) sexually.

These are two important pieces of information, knowledge is power. 

Since you said you are in fact dominant sexually, there are ways of conveying that without disrespecting her boundaries when she says no to PIV sex.

Naturally dominant men know this and it's innate to them.  Given this thread is posted in the dating section, I will leave to you determine how to convey this, again without breaking her boundaries. 

As time goes on and you learn more about each other and your sexual styles, you can take more risks, but for now, respect that her no meant no, but let her know in other ways what your style is. 

Even the way you kiss her and hold her can convey what your style is (in this case dominant as you stated). 

[racquetbro]

17 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Even the way you kiss her and hold her can convey what your style is (in this case dominant as you stated). 

That's exactly what I was thinking. Again, appreciate the feedback!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, racquetbro said:

How do I know what the boundaries are? If "no" meant "yes", then fine. But I'm going to be somewhat cautious about that, I'm not going to risk raping her obviously (unless she's into that, but that's a different discussion ).

She seems into you so try to relax a bit and let things happen naturally. Let her lead because, of course, "no" means "no".

[smackie9]

IMO what she is doing is not very fair. She's lucky you are trying to be a gentleman about this. There are guys out there that go by actions not by the word no. Good old honest conversation is needed. If you are confused...SAY IT. Tell her. Get a better understanding of her intentions.

[Mrin]

hit post button too soon. Will replace with full post

 

 

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by Mrin

[Mrin]

D type here. So, a few thoughts and a story for you:

1. The Weekend: Rule #1 when it comes to kink is that respecting boundaries is paramount. That also is Rule #1 of being a good freaking person too. So, by not pushing it and "seducing her into sex" you did the right thing objectively. Subjectively, from her viewpoint, she might have been wanting you to. That being said, people who play by those rules are not people I want to play with, much less be in a relationship with. So - you did the right thing. Stop beating yourself up about it.

2. Being Dominant: As others have alluded to, you can be dominant in many different ways and pushing yourself upon her and ignoring her protestations is not one of them. No always means no, unless it is CNC. Then "no" means "yes" and "kumquat" means "no".  I'm only going off of what you told us but here are a few things you could have done differently in the role of a Dominant:  

- Declarative statements: After she said sex was off the table, you could have said something like, "got it. I assure/promise you, you will not being having sex with me tonight. No matter how badly you want to or what you say. Sex is completely off the table and i'll make sure it stays off the table". That sort of declarative statement creates a floor she can now rely upon. She can now freely engage sexually with you knowing that she won't have the "regret it in the morning" thing happen. Sexual arousal is a powerful thing, especially so for an ovulating woman. Being able to relax into things and you being the "strength" might have been very appreciated. 

- Confidence: It does sound like you've shown quite a bit of indecision. That comes across as a lack of confidence which isn't exactly a dominant trait. I get it - you were receiving mixed messages. That being said, if you had decided that sex was completely off the table and acted as such, there wouldn't have been that indecision. 

- Getting physically shut down: Even if you hadn't made that declaration, you could have made sure you stayed above the waistline in your tomfoolery.  It sounds like she had to shut you down physically a few more times and that makes you look like a guy who can't operate insides of boundaries.

3. Kink vs. Vanilla Dynamics: It honestly sounds like you're (both) caught up in the vanilla dynamic while professing you're kinksters. The whole, "let's just see what happens" next time you get together is decidedly vanilla. It reeks of ambiguity at this stage in your relationship and possesses none of the hallmarks of kinky dynamics - namely clear communication. Does that mean you have to schedule sex? No. But kinky people don't start playing with each other without first discussing what's on the table and what isn't. And - as a Dominant - it is perfectly in your role to say something like, "I don't want to have another make out session with you unless sex is a possibility. If you're not there yet, that's fine, but let's not put ourselves in that position again". That's not a question. That's a fact. A statement. A boundary. She can either accept it or not. That's her choice. 

To be honest, vanilla dynamics gross me out. The murkiness, lack of clear communication and ambiguity is a major turn off for me. Here's one of the stories that led me to this point in my life.

 

And now, a story for you: Sometimes, even when you do the right thing, it doesn't work out. And you need to be okay with that.

Some years ago I matched with a woman in a nearby town. We had one lunch date and then she offered to come to my town for some cross country skiing. She was a smoking hot blonde. But she also said she was a devout Christian and was more on the chaste side until she felt secure with a man. I was just getting back into dating and was cool with that. Anyhow, she came up and we skied for most of the day. We stopped in town for a cocktail and then an early dinner as she needed to drive back home. As she was just starting to sip her second cocktail and continuing to discuss her personal journey to Jesus Christ, she took a HARD left and started talking anal sex. Seriously, like she went from Jesus to anal faster than I could say "try the edamame." It pretty much went downhill from there. I switched us to water but by the time we finished our meal, everyone in the restaurant was staring. The drive back to my place brought a new definition to the term "defensive driving". She kept alternating between sexually attacking me and saying "I'm a Godly woman, I don't do this sort of thing!" When we got back to my place she went for me and I held her back and made a declaration that I respected her devotion to Christ and that being a good Christian woman was important to her. That we would not be having sex (of any type) nor escalating things further. And that she would be going home so she didn't have any regrets. That made things worse actually. But I brewed a nice hot pot of coffee, filled my biggest travel mug with it and sent her on her way.

Was that the right thing to do? For me it was. For her, I don't think so. She wanted to have sex and lots of it. She just wanted me to be the one to "push" her over the edge despite her protestations as a few days later I got the "I don't think we're compatible" call. Do I regret respecting her boundaries? Not one bit. She was very pretty and probably would have been a lot of fun in the sack. But I did what was right for me.

Still miss that travel mug though...

Moral of the Story: Do what's right for you. It may mean you miss out on this woman. That's okay too. There are plenty more of them out there and life's too short to spend it with someone who revels in sending mixed signals. 

 

Best of luck!

Mrin 

[basil67]

@racquetbro may I offer the phrase "what are you comfortable with?"  If the parameters are murky, she needs to provide clarity

[Lotsgoingon]

 

YOU need to set a boundary with YOURSELF in all situations and certainly a situation like this one.  You write about struggling to figure out where her boundary was/is. Well, here's my own boundary. I don't want to have sex with someone who isn't 10,0000 percent sure that they want to have sex with me and who isn't 10,0000 percent obvious and acting like they want to have sex.  I refuse to navigate around mixed signals. 

You want to be comfortable and confident in yourself with not having sex with someone sending you weird signals. BTW: when it's outside of sex, I say there are no "mixed" signals. Mixed = no. Well I think the same applies to sex. Anything less than 10,000 percent clear "yes" is a "no." There are practical reasons for this. One there are guys with assault charges and records out there who say they thought they were getting mixed signals. Two, it's disrespectful to yourself, to you, to play this wacky game. 

Don't play the game! You're a beggar in that game. You're twisting yourself out of shape in order to please someone. No, wait til she's clear. Just because she's acting crazy doesn't mean you should act crazy as well. Set a boundary: you only THINK about having sex with someone you really like who is 10,000 percent sure they want to have sex and is consistently with no contradictions acting like they want to have sex. 

She seemed to criticize you for being shy. This is huge deal, and as I see it, a red flag. First of all, is she labeling you shy because you listened to her no? If so, dump her immediately. Don't go there in mind your mind--that somehow you were supposed to ignore her mixed signals and push foward. Dude, that's easily considered sexual assault. So this shy thing ... she's messing with your head. Shyness has nothing to do with hesitating on going for sex when you're getting mixed signals. That's called being a conscious modern male who wants to avoid an assault charge. And that's called being a man who has enough confidence to only want a fully and clearly consenting partner!

Now to your dilemma. There is none. You never act in a way you don't want to act--in a way that feels unnatural--to please a potential love partner. No! That itself is putting yourself in a weaker position. You seem torn and wondering if you have to "act" differently,--presumably more aggressive--in order to please this woman. Hell no! She's apparently into mind games. Don't play her mind games. Confident guys don't do that. And if she's mind-gaming you this early on, there is plenty of wackiness and weirdness to come. 

Ignore her description of herself as submissive. Plenty of women are submissive after they feel they are with someone who is safe and trustworthy, and they don't announce that so early on. That just comes out in time.  Don't change your behavior because she said she's "submissive." There has to be natural dominant-submissive chemistry for that to work. If you're thinking about this, then something is wrong. 

I'm assuming you are interested in seriously dating this woman. If this is a booty call only, then you might put up with her confusion just to get sex. But again, know that seriously confident guys can easily shake their head and move on. Even just for sex. In fact, if you and she are just in it for sex, then her mixed signals are more problematic, wildly problematic than if you guys were more serious. You are more vulnerable to an assault charge. 

So own your own style brother. Own your personality. Own your own goodness and integrity and decency. Don't push forward just because this confused person got you on the defensive. No one you really want to be with will get you on the defensive like this. I say see what happens next time, but consider dumping this woman. 

It wouldn't surprise me if she pulls away from you--because to me it seems she just wanted to play games this one night. She wanted to EFF with your head. That was her high, that was her fun. She's already done that. She might not be interested in doing that again. Let her move on to play games with her next target.  

 

 

Edited December 24, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[racquetbro]

5 hours ago, Mrin said:

- Declarative statements: After she said sex was off the table, you could have said something like, "got it. I assure/promise you, you will not being having sex with me tonight. No matter how badly you want to or what you say. Sex is completely off the table and i'll make sure it stays off the table". That sort of declarative statement creates a floor she can now rely upon. She can now freely engage sexually with you knowing that she won't have the "regret it in the morning" thing happen. Sexual arousal is a powerful thing, especially so for an ovulating woman. Being able to relax into things and you being the "strength" might have been very appreciated. 

That's a very good point, that is what I should have done. If a similar situation arises again, I will definitely take an approach like this.

5 hours ago, Mrin said:

Confidence: It does sound like you've shown quite a bit of indecision. That comes across as a lack of confidence which isn't exactly a dominant trait. I get it - you were receiving mixed messages. That being said, if you had decided that sex was completely off the table and acted as such, there wouldn't have been that indecision. 

Sex was off the table, there was no indecision there. And I acted and spoke in accordance with that to her. The confusion was about what was still on the table. But my fault for not pressing for clarity on that point.

5 hours ago, Mrin said:

Getting physically shut down: Even if you hadn't made that declaration, you could have made sure you stayed above the waistline in your tomfoolery.  It sounds like she had to shut you down physically a few more times and that makes you look like a guy who can't operate insides of boundaries.

As I discovered, the waistline wasn't a boundary. She had invited me in to areas that she had previously shut me down from, that's what was so confusing (again, my fault for not insisting on clarity as previously mentioned).

 

5 hours ago, Mrin said:

3. Kink vs. Vanilla Dynamics: It honestly sounds like you're (both) caught up in the vanilla dynamic while professing you're kinksters. The whole, "let's just see what happens" next time you get together is decidedly vanilla. It reeks of ambiguity at this stage in your relationship and possesses none of the hallmarks of kinky dynamics - namely clear communication. Does that mean you have to schedule sex? No. But kinky people don't start playing with each other without first discussing what's on the table and what isn't. And - as a Dominant - it is perfectly in your role to say something like, "I don't want to have another make out session with you unless sex is a possibility. If you're not there yet, that's fine, but let's not put ourselves in that position again". That's not a question. That's a fact. A statement. A boundary. She can either accept it or not. That's her choice. 

The "let's just see what happens" is with regards to the relationship as a whole (as in, let's see how we feel about each other, our potential future together, etc), and not about sex in particular. I also wouldn't say to her "I don't want to have another make out session with you unless sex is a possibility," because it's not true. I enjoy make out sessions. What I don't want is any ambiguity of what's comfortable and what's not comfortable for her (which is something that's prone to change as the relationship develops).

[racquetbro]

I appreciate your response, though I did want to make one point of clarification in something you said:

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Now to your dilemma. There is none. You never act in a way you don't want to act--in a way that feels unnatural--to please a potential love partner. No! That itself is putting yourself in a weaker position. You seem torn and wondering if you have to "act" differently,--presumably more aggressive--in order to please this woman.

That's not what I said, sorry if I was unclear about that. I am not considering acting differently than what is natural for me.

When I start dating someone, I'm initially more reserved. As I get to know them and get more comfortable, I open up more. So naturally over time my comfort level will change, and that will be perceivable to her. This is a natural progression for me, not me acting in a way that I think she wants me to act.

My question regarding this particular aspect was about how she will perceive this change. Normally it's not even a consideration. But because it roughly coincides with what happened, my thought is that she might think that the change is me "acting" in a way solely because I think it's what she wants, when that's in fact not at all the case. And I think this is where the "wait and see" part comes in. Because if it were truly an "act" on my part, there would be inconsistencies over time.

Not sure if that makes any more sense.

[Lotsgoingon]

Same point. You ARE considering a change. Or else you wouldn't be worried about how things would be perceived.

My point stands. 

my thought is that she might think that the change is me "acting" in a way solely because I think it's what she wants, when that's in fact not at all the case.

You've lost. You are worrying about what she thinks. You don't care what she thinks other than what she thinks in response to you being yourself. The fact that you worrrying about how she thinks shows you are outside of integrity, that you are not being yourself, that you are people pleasing and conforming and twisting yourself.

This confirms my point. Any confident guy is not going to worry about how he is perceived. You first be yourself and if the person doesn't like it, you move on. If you want to act differently for you, then do so. That you are worrying about how she will think, says you're not following your own tune.