Herkamer Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 So here's the situation I'm in (a 35 y/o m): My cousin (54 y/o m) is infatuated with a woman (42 y/o) for probably about 2 years or so. It's a long story on how they know each other and why he sticks around, but my cousin has been trying so much to gain enough favor from this woman to get her to start a relationship. She's clearly not interested, but they're friends so she knows he's harmless. He's a good man, too, and I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt her. This past Summer, my cousin and I started doing more things together, and he wanted me to meet this woman. She does singing gigs at wineries and breweries as a side job, and from what my cousin told me, she's a nurse and a ballroom dancer. She actually was an instructor for awhile, and he knew I was taking ballroom lessons (still am). What he wanted me to do is basically be a wingman, which is fine. I have no problem with that. Got to the place this woman was singing at and finally met her. My cousin, myself, and this woman started talking at the end. We got into a conversation about ballroom dancing and I had brought up I was taking lessons. This excited her because next thing I felt were her hands on mine doing merengue (Latin party dance style). Then we did a waltz for a few minutes. I was trying to get my cousin to take over but didn't want to do it. I tried to get him to do other things while she was singing, like sing along with the group of people behind us and dance with a couple that were dancing. He had fun overall, but when it came to try to do something like that, which he said he was going to do, he was a stick in the mud and did nothing. Second time, got invited to come along with my cousin to go watch this woman. I told him, just for fun, we should get up and do a waltz. He said he would, again, but when it came time, he didn't want to do it. The woman came up, during her break, and asked for requests. Gave my input and she asked if I would come up and sing with her. I agreed and did so. After that, watched the show for a while longer and it was getting ready to wrap up. I went to close out my tab, and, out of the blue, the woman called me up for one more song. I wasn't planning on it, but I went up anyway and had fun with it. Why not, right? Once again, tried to get my cousin up there to sing, but he didn't want to do it. Eventually, I became friends on social media with this woman and I only had spoken to her certain occasions. Mainly to check out new places that I haven't been to but she had. I figured with how much traveling she's done and me meaning to get out more, she would know some good places. Other than a comment I made on one of her posts, that's it. My cousin constantly likes and comments on her posts, hoping to gain favor. After this woman took time off to have surgery, she recently was at her first singing gig since the early Fall. I couldn't go, and probably wouldn't have if I was able to (ballroom dance party that night, wouldn't skip that), but my cousin did. They got talking for the first time face to face in awhile. First round of questioning from her, though, was about me. That's what my cousin told me. I'm sure everything that has led up to this point probably hasn't gone over well with my cousin, especially when this woman asked about me. I don't think he's mad at me nor does he see me as trying to compete with him, but I think he's beginning to see that this woman has more interest in someone like me than she does him. And I have a suspicion that this woman is actually interested in me. Truth be told, she's good looking and we share quite a bit in common, and I won't complain if she actually does like me. She's been nice to me and seems like a good person (from what I can tell, but people can lie). However, out of respect for my cousin and so long that he still holds interest, I'm not pursuing a relationship with this woman. He's told me before that if I like her, I should go for her, but I'm not going to do that to him, especially when he's been generous and good to me. I also don't know that much more about this woman, other than what I've been told about her from my cousin and when I saw two times face to face this past Summer. I must be on her mind, though, for her to even bring me up when she saw my cousin last. So I've been trying to figure out how to go about this. I've tried convincing him to go out with this other woman who CLEARLY liked him, but he wouldn't do it. And there have been other women as well I've pointed to, but nothing on his end. He's fixated on this one, but this woman is seemingly more interested in me. She's a maybe for me if my cousin loses interest. Has anyone been in this situation before? And if you had (or haven't), what would you do? I'm trying not to make my cousin mad at me over this (he hasn't yet, and I want to keep it that way), nor wreck our friendship we now have. I helped get him out of his shell this Summer, and he's usually not as active as he is now. Ultimately, I don't want to have his heart broken over this. Any piece of advice would help. Thanks!
Calmandfocused Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 Ok let’s put this into perspective; you’ve met this woman twice over the past 6 months. You’ve become friends on social media but never actually communicated. She asked about your well-being on one occasion. One time! Maybe this woman is interested in you but I’m not seeing evidence of that. It’s not like she’s constantly contacting you and/ or actively making a play for you. Asking after a person doesn’t equate to romantic interest. She danced with you. She dances with lots of people. No I don’t think you should pursue a woman who your cousin really likes. However I think you’re tying yourself up over a problem that isn’t even there. Date other woman is my advice 2
Author Herkamer Posted December 22, 2021 Author Posted December 22, 2021 55 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Ok let’s put this into perspective; you’ve met this woman twice over the past 6 months. You’ve become friends on social media but never actually communicated. She asked about your well-being on one occasion. One time! Maybe this woman is interested in you but I’m not seeing evidence of that. It’s not like she’s constantly contacting you and/ or actively making a play for you. Asking after a person doesn’t equate to romantic interest. She danced with you. She dances with lots of people. No I don’t think you should pursue a woman who your cousin really likes. However I think you’re tying yourself up over a problem that isn’t even there. Date other woman is my advice I'm not looking to date her, but I'm trying to get my cousin to move on from her because she's not interested in him. Honestly, I don't care if she likes me or not. I think the title is a little deceiving. It wouldn't let me use certain words to describe what's going on. But what I am saying is if she is interested in me and I'm single by the time she decides to be done with my cousin, I would, possibly, consider her as an option. There are other women I already know that are interested, but I'm not going after them any of them yet (there's only one I'm actually interested in and would want to date, but that's a story for a different time). This woman wouldn't be any different. I'm not sold on her because I don't know this woman well enough to justify even going out with her. All I know is my cousin is going to ask me to go with him to watch her sing again. No doubt she'll want to talk more, but I don't want there to be a damper on my friendship with my cousin if she starts to become a little more handsy with is all. So this is more about my cousin rather than me. I'm just the middle guy in all this.
chillii Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 (edited) l'd stay away from her then and meantime he'll hopefully come to his own realizations about her. And you don't need travel ideas from her you'll have more in common with males that travel anyway. You could also help it along with a few things like sorry man but l really don't think she';s interested and what have you . That's a tricky one l know but unfortunately what he needs. Edited December 22, 2021 by chillii
ShyViolet Posted December 23, 2021 Posted December 23, 2021 3 hours ago, Herkamer said: I'm not looking to date her, but I'm trying to get my cousin to move on from her because she's not interested in him. You can't "get" your cousin to move on from her. Your cousin's love life or emotional well-being is not something that is under your control, is not your responsibility and it's not your place to fix it. Just remain neutral about this issue; he has to navigate this for himself and come to realizations on his own. No one can do that for him. It's obvious that you're interested in this woman, despite your attempts to downplay that. There's not enough evidence that she's even interested in you, so I wouldn't read too much into this.
chillii Posted December 23, 2021 Posted December 23, 2021 (edited) He's only vaguely interested , nothing serious, because she's just there. It's not worth hurting his cousin over not like he's in love with her or anything they'd sleep together and that'd be that, if even that, but it won't be for his cousin. And nah , he's cousin isn't his responsibility but he's obviously bringing her up all the time and including him in it all so he'd be a two faced ah if he wasn't at least honest with his cousin in return. Edited December 23, 2021 by chillii
Wiseman2 Posted December 23, 2021 Posted December 23, 2021 It's ok to have a crush on the same woman. However nothing is really happening with her and you.
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