emerald86 Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 (edited) I met a guy recently on OLD and he didn't live too far away but he insisted on video chatting before meeting in person. I thought this was fair and agreed to video chat with him. I thought he was attractive, charming, and lots of fun to talk to. After our chat, he texted me saying that he thinks I'm beautiful, have a great personality, etc. and that he'd love to talk again. I asked him if he was free to talk again in a few days but he said he couldn't wait that long and asked if we could talk the very next day and I agreed. Between those two video chats, he texted me a lot throughout the day - he said he loves texting and talking about all the details of his day. I thought to myself, hmm okay I think it's a little early for that, but ignored that feeling and told myself that it was nice that he was texting me. We video chatted a second time and this time we ended up talking for a longer period of time. He asked me a lot more questions about myself, joked about marrying me and what it would be like if our families met up. He then asked if we can meet in person soon and then said something along the lines of, "I know we haven't met in person yet but I already know that we're compatible. I can tell that just from talking to you and I already know I'm attracted to you too. If you feel the same way, we can totally date exclusively after meeting in person." I felt very uncomfortable with that statement and also about the marriage jokes. I hadn't known the guy for even a week at that point, but he also had a lot of great qualities that I was drawn to. For one thing, he seemed very serious about settling down, something that's important to me. He told me that he wants to have kids, start a family soon, etc. And he seemed like an overall polite, considerate guy. He said he'll visit me in my area and wants to visit when it's comfortable for me. He did also say something like "I'm not sure what the dating rules are, but I'm a very straightforward person. If I feel something, I'll just say it." That was also nice to hear, especially since recently I've been going on dates with guys who didn't seem all that interested - so it was nice to meet someone who was actually talking about the serious stuff. I told him I'd like to meet him in person as well, but unfortunately, I was going out of town in just a couple of days and wouldn't be back for a few weeks. I told him this and he said "oh no, I don't want to wait for a few weeks to meet you." I guess that's fair, but I continued texting him the next day. He sent me a lot of texts the next day, flirted with me, asked me for a selfie, and things like that and I was already super uncomfortable by this point... so I slowed down on the texting. I didn't mean to, but I couldn't bring myself to respond right away. Something in me wasn't feeling quite right. So eventually I told him that I'll text him when I'm back in town and we can plan a meet up. I got back to town, texted him...and he's already in a relationship. I'm not entirely surprised because he did hint at the fact that he was texting other women. I'm also sort of kicking myself for going out of town, but then again, I know there are other fish in the sea. But basically, were any of these actually red flags? Or was I just uncomfortable for no reason? I have been in relationships in the past, but they all started out very slow and so that's what I'm used to. Edited December 22, 2021 by emerald86
mark clemson Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 5 minutes ago, emerald86 said: basically, were any of these actually red flags? Or was I just uncomfortable for no reason? IMO there were red flags because he was moving too fast. It probably seemed either uncomfortable/clingy or phony (this latter is what it apparently was). So your gut was right. 5 minutes ago, emerald86 said: I know there are other fish in the sea. But basically, were any of these actually red flags? Or was I just uncomfortable for no reason? True dat, fortunately. Time to move on to better... 1
CarmenDane Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 Yes, he was in way too much a hurry. Big red flags. Let it go and move on. He may be the type that is always on the look out for the next. 1
ccas93 Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 He was already in a relationship when you came back?! This guy was all red flags and that was the final one. I believe in the cliche "everything happens for a reason", and your business trip definitely happened at that time for a reason. Good thing it was some other girl, and not you. 2
Ami1uwant Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 He asked to talk to you quickly because he was dating others and wanted to get to know you before he was at a point to decide who to get exclusive with. what he was doing was not clingy. never assume you are the only one he is dating. E en if he ends up being the best on your list you miht not be best on his. 1
glows Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 (edited) He was moving too quickly and not focusing on you as a person. The excessive compliments are a turn off and trite considering you have known each other for a few days. How on earth should he have a clue whether you’re compatible? All believability is out the window at that point. Trust your instincts please. It’s a good thing that you left on this trip. You were feeling uncomfortable after the second video call and understandably so. Did he live far from you? You mentioned he wanted to visit you in your area. Edited December 22, 2021 by glows 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 3 hours ago, emerald86 said: But basically, were any of these actually red flags? For me, they were absolutely red flagd. He sounded desperate, honestly. 3 hours ago, emerald86 said: Or was I just uncomfortable for no reason? Important point here is that you were uncomfortable- trust your own instincts. We can't tell you what should or should not make you uneasy. Your warning bells were going off because this guy was showing signs that he was too much for you. That is all that matters. 1
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 6 hours ago, emerald86 said: I was going out of town in just a couple of days and wouldn't be back for a few weeks Did you honestly think a guy was going to hang around waiting for you to reappear? If you want to date then take it seriously. Why were you chatting to this guy in the first place and wasting his time when you knew you were going to be unavailable for weeks?
Wiseman2 Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 7 hours ago, emerald86 said: I got back to town, texted him...and he's already in a relationship. It seems like you dodged a bullet. Yes a lot of red flags particularly too much too soon.
Alvi Posted December 23, 2021 Posted December 23, 2021 This guy is faster than a Superman, lol. Seriously, his biological clock is ticking so loud, it's practically exploding. Marriage, kids, family? For Pete's sake, he is talking about all this with a woman he never met in person. He sounds like a person who would get married super fast to some woman, get her pregnant few times, and then 5 years down the road going to realize that he never loved her in a first place and that they have nothing in common. I don't think you going away for a few weeks would have made any difference if he was interested in exploring things with you. But he is on a plan to get married and start having kids as soon as possible. In a few short weeks he should be just slowly getting to know a woman, not declaring her his girlfriend. I wonder, if a situation was reversed, how fast a guy would run away from that woman. The one who tells him that she wants to get married and start having kids as soon as possible. Heck, she cannot even wait 2 or 3 weeks to meet a potential suitor. She wants it all now, now, now. And true to her word, few weeks later she is in a committed relationship already. What would a guy call her? Needy, desperate, pathetic perhaps? How many guys, and gals, too would ridicule her on this forum for doing just that. Almost all of us would tell a guy that he dodged a massive bullet. OP, please trust your instincts. They are rarely wrong. This guy from your description comes across as a walking, talking disaster. 19 hours ago, elaine567 said: Did you honestly think a guy was going to hang around waiting for you to reappear? If you want to date then take it seriously. Why were you chatting to this guy in the first place and wasting his time when you knew you were going to be unavailable for weeks? So, she is supposed to forgo a trip for a guy she never met in person? We are talking about few weeks here, not few years after all. I don't think it would have made a big difference, especially with the holidays looming, if they met a bit later down the road. But no, he cannot wait that long. Since he is hunting for a wife, on to the next down the list for him. How can she take dating seriously? Yes or maybe if they actually met and clicked in person. But they are strangers. 2 1
elaine567 Posted December 23, 2021 Posted December 23, 2021 How many women actively dating would realistically wait for a guy she hadn't even met, who told her he was leaving in two days and would not be back for weeks? He would need to be very special and she would probably be wasting her time anyway... 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 23, 2021 Posted December 23, 2021 (edited) That's online dating. People are basically shopping for a next relationship with complete strangers. I am not really sure why you would expect to be "very special" to a random you never met. It's very reasonable to me that he didn't want to wait few weeks for a random. Those that are serious about getting in a relationship, generally want it quickly and will want to sort through the candidates. Those that have all the time in the world are generally looking for a fling or are already in a relationship. In any age group, there will be more women that are looking for a serious relationship than men (and more men looking for casual). This is especially the older you get. So high quality men that genuinely want a relationship are in such demand that they either won't need online dating or will not be on there for long thus reducing your chance to ever catch them. If you want to be "special" and to develop an organic connection at a natural pace, meet people in person. There is nothing natural about online dating. Edited December 23, 2021 by Eternal Sunshine
smackie9 Posted December 24, 2021 Posted December 24, 2021 Total red flags. Just think...most likely he was saying the exact same things he said to you to other women to see what sticks...you were just another option in a sea of opportunity. IMO he's in love with the idea of a relationship, not the person he is dating. It seem it really didn't matter who with just as long he is in a relationship. He's a weirdo. He pretty much love bombed you, said everything possible that a woman would like to hear. You dodged a bullet. Your gut was just screaming at you. It was right. Never doubt your gut instinct. 1
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