Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[elaine567]

Trouble is, abusive, toxic, chaotic,  intense, violent relationships, like the one your gf had with her ex, are often not that easy to give up.
Here we find many women with abusive exes, will jettison the "normal" and "nice" guy who saved her from her ex, and end up going back to the ex.
There is often something magnetic about the ex, that means she will be drawn back to him again and again. A moth to a flame.
Some of these women grew up in chaotic environments and to them chaos is normal and even exciting, so they keep seeking it out. 
Mr Normal does not stand a chance.
Of course sometimes the bad guy will push and push until a weak and vulnerable women will give up and give in...

I have no idea where your gfs head is at as regards her ex, she may be scared to death of him, or she may not really want to give him up.
Who knows?
It is often not a good idea to get involved with people who are still involved in some way with their ex and that is especially true where there is abuse in the mix. 

[ironpony]

Oh okay, but if there is abuse in the mix, I feel I am concerned for her safety though, so am I just supposed to let her risk her well being, just because she's vulnerable?  I mean she said the ex raped her before too, so am I just supposed to say I let my gf go back to her rapist ex, because she was vulnerable, and too weak not too?  It sounds like a crappy thing to do on my part if I tell her to go do that, if that's what she wants, doesn't it?

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

mean she said the ex raped her before too

I thought you said she was a virgin before meeting you.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, but.... 

Why not let her handle it? She has a good head on her shoulders at work and surpassed you by becoming a supervisor.

She has a roommate, friends, family, neighbors, a landlord, people at work and can ask knowledgeable people about how to deal with it if she needs to.

Try to stop obsessing over him. 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ironpony]

Sorry for the confusion.  I meant she was a virgin in the sense, that it was the first time she had consensual sex.  I guess that is just my concept of virginity is that it doesn't count as giving away your virginity if it was not consensual.  But maybe I am thinking of it wrong?  Sorry for the confusion.

[elaine567]

Did they never have normal relationship sex?
How long did they date?
Who broke up with who?

[ironpony]

She says they did not have normal relationship sex.  She broke up with him and they were together for two years.  She also asked me out, if that makes any difference.

Edited January 15, 2022 by ironpony

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

She says they did not have normal relationship sex.  She broke up with him and they were together for two years.

Did the rape occur at the beginning or end of their relationship?

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, ironpony said:

so am I just supposed to say I let my gf go back to her rapist ex, because she was vulnerable, and too weak not too?  It sounds like a crappy thing to do on my part if I tell her to go do that, if that's what she wants, doesn't it?

I have just bolded where your actions are controlling.    It is completely inappropriate for you to allow or disallow her returning to him.   It is also completely inappropriate for you to tell her what to do.

Yes, it hurts when someone we love makes what we believe are bad decisions, but we have to allow them to make their own decision.  

 

[ironpony]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I have just bolded where your actions are controlling.    It is completely inappropriate for you to allow or disallow her returning to him.   It is also completely inappropriate for you to tell her what to do.

Yes, it hurts when someone we love makes what we believe are bad decisions, but we have to allow them to make their own decision.  

 

Oh okay, but I didn't think I was making her do anything.  I just felt I was voicing my concern and telling her it will just be worse if she does most likely.  I did say that I felt it was most likely and not for certain.  But I feel she is still free to do what she wants and that I am not preventing her I don't think.

[ironpony]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Did the rape occur at the beginning or end of their relationship?

I tried asking but she really didn't want to talk about before, when she talked about this, so I thought maybe it was best not to bring it up again.  It seemed based on her telling of it though that would have happened about halfway through the relationship about most likely, since I know some of the events of the relationship from what she told me.

Edited January 15, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, but I didn't think I was making her do anything.  I just felt I was voicing my concern and telling her it will just be worse if she does most likely.  I did say that I felt it was most likely and not for certain.  But I feel she is still free to do what she wants and that I am not preventing her I don't think.

Your choice of words tell us otherwise.  "Let her" "tell her"   These are controlling words

Has she said that she's considering returning to him?

[ironpony]

Oh okay, I see.  No she said she wants to stay away from him and never see him again and that she fears for her safety.  She keeps saying she has trouble sleeping out of fear he will try to break in.   I only mentioned the idea of her going back to him because a couple of people on here said it sounds like that's what she wants to do.

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

I tried asking but she really didn't want to talk about before, when she talked about this, so I thought maybe it was best not to bring it up again.  It seemed based on her telling of it though that would have happened about halfway through the relationship about most likely, since I know some of the events of the relationship from what she told me.

OK so the rape did not make her instantly break up with him. I guess she never reported it either.
Did she ever seek help from a professional or friends and family?
She did it seems break up with him, but she may still feel rather powerless where he is concerned.
She needs support.
She needs to tell her mother or some other close family or friend.
 

 

[ironpony]

She says that she felt trapped in the relationship and that if she left, he would hurt her, and she said she felt coerced into being in the relationship for a large portion of it until it ended.  As for family, she is not on good terms with her family.  Her parents were abusive to her when she grew up, especially her dad, and this caused her to leave home at a young age.  She still talks to them sometimes, in order to talk to her siblings.  But her Mom wanted them to get back together, and her ex has tried to use her Mom as a weapon in order to do.  But I don't think her parents would be the best people to go to therefore for this.  She can talk to her siblings about it perhaps, but she is embarrassed to bring it up with anyone else but me and her best friend, it seems.

[basil67]

All the advice here is guesswork.  Only she knows what's going on in her own head.  

I sometimes think posting questions to all and sundry and getting so many contrasting opinions creates far more problems for you than it solves.   Thing is, when you get so many different opinions, you get overwhelmed by your head going off in so many different directions.  

I say this kindly, perhaps you could consider taking a break from asking opinions and start making your own decisions independent of outside input.   How did you make decisions before forums like these came along?    Think long term - how will you get your movie made if you haven't yet learned to make decisions without input from people on the internet?

[ironpony]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

All the advice here is guesswork.  Only she knows what's going on in her own head.  

I sometimes think posting questions to all and sundry and getting so many contrasting opinions creates far more problems for you than it solves.   Thing is, when you get so many different opinions, you get overwhelmed by your head going off in so many different directions.  

I say this kindly, perhaps you could consider taking a break from asking opinions and start making your own decisions independent of outside input.   How did you make decisions before forums like these came along?    Think long term - how will you get your movie made if you haven't yet learned to make decisions without input from people on the internet?

Okay thanks.  I just feel that any outside opinions can help, and there is that fear that I will more likely be wrong, without any outside input, or in a vacuum.  But if I am to make my own decision the decision is to be with her still for now, and see what happens, and if it gets worse, or better.  I want remain with her, but just not sure how to do deal with the problem when doing so.  I tried keeping myself from asking others about this for the first few months, and even when he came into her place a while back, but then weeks later I caved and felt like I could use some input on it.

Edited January 15, 2022 by ironpony

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, ironpony said:

No she said she wants to stay away from him and never see him again and that she fears for her safety.  She keeps saying she has trouble sleeping out of fear he will try to break in.   

Since there was no evidence to obtain the TRO, her fears are unfounded.

When a woman talks about and is this obsessed about an ex, it means only one thing. 

She's still in love with him...  sorry

[ironpony]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Since there was no evidence to obtain the TRO, her fears are unfounded.

When a woman talks about and is this obsessed about an ex, it means only one thing. 

She's still in love with him...  sorry

But I don't understand that just because a woman was not able to get a TRO, that means she is still in love with him.  How do you get love, from the court not granting one?

But also, if she is still in love with him why doesn't she just be honest with herself about it instead of saying he is afraid he is going to come after and kill her.  If she is saying he is going to kill her, because she is in love with him, why does she have to put on such a sick and deceptive act like that, if it's an act?

Edited January 15, 2022 by ironpony

[poppyfields]

Delete, double post. 

Edited January 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[ironpony]

Well I feel I cannot set boundaries on this and tell her that she cannot obsess over him if she wants a relationship with me, because according to some on here, that would be controlling of me.  So I cannot do anything to set boundaries because it's controlling.  So therefore I feel helpless on this, because ever attempt I try to make clear to her that the relationship will not work if she obsesses over him, is considered controlling.  So I don't want to do therefore.

Edited January 15, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

Is she obsessing over him?   If so, what does she do?

Edited January 15, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Is she obsessing over him?   If so, what does she do?

Well she talks about how she is worried about how he is going to come after her and harm her, even fear of killing her she says recently more.  She also says the reason why she is in fear of him is that the abuse he has caused her plus the sexual assault has lead to her having PTSD over it.  Does that count as obsession over him?

[basil67]

Just now, ironpony said:

Well she talks about how she is worried about how he is going to come after her and harm her, even fear of killing her she says recently more.  She also says the reason why she is in fear of him is that the abuse he has caused her plus the sexual assault has lead to her having PTSD over it.  Does that count as obsession over him?

She has PTSD and lives in fear of her ex.  What part of this looks like love to you?  What part of this suggests she wants to return to him?

 

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She has PTSD and lives in fear of her ex.  What part of this looks like love to you?  What part of this suggests she wants to return to him?

 

Basil, I was the one who said she is still in love with him and I still believe that.  I don't think she necessarily wants to return to him but she still carries strong feelings.  

I don't have time to post why I believe that right now but will later when I have time. 

Edited January 15, 2022 by poppyfields