Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[ironpony]

35 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hang on I’ve spotted another inconsistency… you said in earlier pages that he was texting and emailing her. Now you’re saying he’s blocked. Which is it? If she’s only just recently blocked him  I’d be questioning why. 
 

Paying someone doesn’t get rid of nightmares. 

He was texting her before and then she blocked him but this was a few weeks ago now as far as I know. Sorry for the confusion.

[ExpatInItaly]

49 minutes ago, ironpony said:

He was texting her before and then she blocked him but this was a few weeks ago now as far as I know. Sorry for the confusion.

So he hasn't recently asked for money? 

 

[ironpony]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So he hasn't recently asked for money? 

 

not such a couple of weeks ago but he's waiting for her to chew it over and make a decision. However she hasn't opened his latest mail yet I don't think.

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, ironpony said:

She's very fearful of him and worries that he is going to kill her and she says she keeps waking up from nightmare of him killing her.

IP, since there was not enough evidence to warrant the court granting restraining order, her fears that he will kill her seem to he unfounded or based on post traumatic stress (PTSD).  Which would cause her anxiety, nightmares etc. 

You said he entered her home weeks/months ago.  He has stopped asking for money.  She has changed her locks and blocked him.   There is no longer a threat to her safety.

So she can either seek therapy for her fears and PTSD or IF he IS still threatening her, and she has evidence (letters through the mail), she can contact a lawyer who will advocate on her behalf which is what she should have done in the first place. 

The lawyer will go to court to get the restraining order, clearly your girlfriend did a poor job of attempting to do this on her own.

I assume she has parents?  If it's so serious that she fears for her life as she is telling you, she should talk to them and perhaps they can pay for the lawyer. 

Your involvement in this is way over the top.  This should NOT be happening. 

She may be enjoying this 'damsel in distress' role she's playing and how protective and worried you are and she is milking it for all it's worth. 

It's nothing short of manipulation IP.

If it's that serious, then she can take the actions such that I advised above. 

Again, none of this should be happening and YOUR involvement is way WAY over the top. 

Edited January 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[Pumpernickel]

This is all way too much drama. Because IF her ex is as unhinged as she says he is, you should fear for you own life, @ironpony, which would be more than a good reason to get out of this whole thing asap.

I mean – she could also be exaggerating, sure, and maybe there's really no threat at all, but honestly, if she IS exaggerating to that extent, this would mean that she's got other problems, as well as a lot of stuff to work on, and I don't think this would be a good predictor of a healthy, pleasant relationship anyways. I don't think you want to stay in this, if you're honest with yourself.

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

IP, since there was not enough evidence to warrant the court granting restraining order, her fears that he will kill her seem to he unfounded or based on post traumatic stress (PTSD).  Which would cause her anxiety, nightmares etc. 

You said he entered her home weeks/months ago.  He has stopped asking for money.  She has changed her locks and blocked him.   There is no longer a threat to her safety.

So she can either seek therapy for her fears and PTSD or IF he IS still threatening her, and she has evidence (letters through the mail), she can contact a lawyer who will advocate on her behalf which is what she should have done in the first place. 

The lawyer will go to court to get the restraining order, clearly your girlfriend did a poor job of attempting to do this on her own.

I assume she has parents?  If it's so serious that she fears for her life as she is telling you, she should talk to them and perhaps they can pay for the lawyer. 

Your involvement in this is way over the top.  This should NOT be happening. 

She may be enjoying this 'damsel in distress' role she's playing and how protective and worried you are and she is milking it for all it's worth. 

It's nothing short of manipulation IP.

If it's that serious, then she can take the actions such that I advised above. 

Again, none of this should be happening and YOUR involvement is way WAY over the top. 

I will tell her to consider a lawyer again rather than doing it herself.  Thanks.  I don't think she is playing a 'damselbin distress' role though, I think she is just naturally one and seems out if her element on this perhaps, not that I am mean that on a judgemental way.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

The simple answer is Yes. Because you are getting anxiety over it and this is causing you to try to control her with bad advice.

[Calmandfocused]

Look IP, this is going round and round in circles. Here’s how I see it: 

The reason she; 

1) didn’t block him until a few weeks ago

2) didn’t change the locks until a few weeks ago 

3) didn’t tell her parents about what a nightmare he is 

4) didn’t file for a restraining order at the time it happened 

5) wanted to see him again for “closure” 

6) kept the lines of communication open for money …

These are all due to one reason and one reason alone; 

She doesn’t WANT to stop communicating with her ex! 

I don’t know whether she wants him back or whether she just enjoys the drama he brings, but you need to understand that the reason this guy is still around is because she allows it to happen! There is no question of that based on what you’ve told us. 

Deep down she doesn’t want him completely out of her life. The sooner you wake up and see that the ex is not going anywhere the better. 
 

And stop telling her what to do. You’re wasting your time. Observe, have boundaries and make your own decisions based on this information like all posters have advised. 

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Look IP, this is going round and round in circles. Here’s how I see it: 

The reason she; 

1) didn’t block him until a few weeks ago

2) didn’t change the locks until a few weeks ago 

3) didn’t tell her parents about what a nightmare he is 

4) didn’t file for a restraining order at the time it happened 

5) wanted to see him again for “closure” 

6) kept the lines of communication open for money …

These are all due to one reason and one reason alone; 

She doesn’t WANT to stop communicating with her ex! 

I don’t know whether she wants him back or whether she just enjoys the drama he brings, but you need to understand that the reason this guy is still around is because she allows it to happen! There is no question of that based on what you’ve told us. 

Deep down she doesn’t want him completely out of her life. The sooner you wake up and see that the ex is not going anywhere the better. 
 

And stop telling her what to do. You’re wasting your time. Observe, have boundaries and make your own decisions based on this information like all posters have advised. 

Ok thanks I will keep that in mind.  I think she is just reluctant to do anything out if fear of retaliation.

How do I set boundaries if I cannot tell her what I find acceptable and what not though.

But what else is she supposed to do if a restraining order is not an option.  I mean she can't make him disappear obviously so what is she not doing that she should be if she wants him out of her life?

Maybe I will see it better if I could see what she is not doing.  If the court turns get down what else can she do?

Edited January 10, 2022 by ironpony

[Calmandfocused]

27 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Ok thanks I will keep that in mind.  I think she is just reluctant to do anything out if fear of retaliation.

How do I set boundaries if I cannot tell her what I find acceptable and what not though.

But what else is she supposed to do if a restraining order is not an option.  I mean she can't make him disappear obviously so what is she not doing that she should be if she wants him out of her life?

Maybe I will see it better if I could see what she is not doing.  If the court turns get down what else can she do?

Come on IP. You and I both know that doesn’t make any sense. She didn’t block him earlier in the game because she feared retaliation, now she has blocked him and still fears retaliation. If the outcome was both the same why didn’t she block him in the first place? 
 

She doesn’t fear retaliation. She fears she will lose him from her life for good. Keeping him on the back burner suits her. It certainly keeps you on your toes. 
 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

She doesn’t fear retaliation. She fears she will lose him from her life for good. Keeping him on the back burner suits her. It certainly keeps you on your toes. 

Are you allowed to stay at her place overnight? 

Agree. What 'retaliation"? Stop advising her. She doesn't need a lawyer either. 

She supposedly changed the locks, she has a roommate, she  supposedly deleted and blocked him, so there's nothing else she can or has to do. She does not have appropriate evidence  for restraining orders because well, she let him  have a key and keeps chitchatting with him.

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Come on IP. You and I both know that doesn’t make any sense. She didn’t block him earlier in the game because she feared retaliation, now she has blocked him and still fears retaliation. If the outcome was both the same why didn’t she block him in the first place? 
 

She doesn’t fear retaliation. She fears she will lose him from her life for good. Keeping him on the back burner suits her. It certainly keeps you on your toes. 
 

She fears him even more now that she has blocked him.  But maybe we are using logic too much to determine how she feels?  I can ask her about the inconsistency though.  Why does it appear so obvious that she wants him around still?  What else can she do really?

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you allowed to stay at her place overnight? 

Agree. What 'retaliation"? Stop advising her. She doesn't need a lawyer either. 

She supposedly changed the locks, she has a roommate, she  supposedly deleted and blocked him, so there's nothing else she can or has to do. She does not have appropriate evidence  for restraining orders because well, she let him  have a key and keeps chitchatting with him.

I can stay over it's just we work different shift times lately so our bed times are not the same.

Who says she is chitchatting with him though.  He has only been sending her messages and making demands in the mail but she hasn't sent anything back to respond.

I could say to her that she needs to get rid of him but if I do I am afraid she will then pay him off to do which I don't think she should do with her money.

but it seems people think it's obvious that she needs to do more but can someone please enlighten me and tell me actually what she needs to do that would actually work?

Edited January 10, 2022 by ironpony

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Come on IP. You and I both know that doesn’t make any sense. She didn’t block him earlier in the game because she feared retaliation, now she has blocked him and still fears retaliation. If the outcome was both the same why didn’t she block him in the first place? 
 

She doesn’t fear retaliation. She fears she will lose him from her life for good. Keeping him on the back burner suits her. It certainly keeps you on your toes. 
 

I think it's because I convinced her to block so she did, but now fears him still, even though she listened to my advice when she asked for it.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I think it's because I convinced her to block so she did, but now fears him still, even though she listened to my advice when she asked for it.

When she asked for advice, she would have wanted your opinion.  The idea being that she'd listen to your opinion and then maker her own decision.  But "convincing" her means that you were very pushy with your opinion.  Again, you're overstepping the mark.

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  Well I felt I was doing it for her own safety, cause I feel the if she doesn't block him in all ways, he will just stalk her more.  I mean should I really give the do what you want attitude, if her own safety is at risk and she doesn't seem to be thinking clearly about her own safety?  Plus what I said was that if you make contact with him to try to reconcile that he is just going to use it against you and come after you more and you can't trust a psycho, I said.  Is that really being too convincing?

Edited January 11, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

sounds to me like you were trying to scare her into doing what you want.

[ironpony]

Well I gave her my opinion that I don't think he will stop, even if she pays him off.  She asked for my opinion and that was it. Shouldn't be scared of him compared to me?  But also, I am not making her and she is free to make her own decision on this.

Plus when people say that she is not doing enough to get rid of him if she really want him gone, what is she suppose to do if a restraining order is a no go?  Take the law into her own hands at this point?  I don't see what else she can do now, when people seem to think there is more options, even though no one is saying what they are it seems.

Edited January 11, 2022 by ironpony

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, ironpony said:

.  He has only been sending her messages and making demands in the mail 

Her (or your) story simply doesn't add up. It's creating anxiety and obsessions.

Step back and talk to your psychiatrist, neurologist and social worker about it.

 

[Calmandfocused]

11 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well I gave her my opinion that I don't think he will stop, even if she pays him off.  She asked for my opinion and that was it. Shouldn't be scared of him compared to me?  But also, I am not making her and she is free to make her own decision on this.

Plus when people say that she is not doing enough to get rid of him if she really want him gone, what is she suppose to do if a restraining order is a no go?  Take the law into her own hands at this point?  I don't see what else she can do now, when people seem to think there is more options, even though no one is saying what they are it seems.

Yes there is something else she can do. She can stop reacting, talking  and responding to him. And also block any means of communicating with her.  Complete No contact! 
 

Like Wiseman has said; I don’t believe that she hasn’t been communicating with her ex up until this point. 

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Yes there is something else she can do. She can stop reacting, talking  and responding to him. And also block any means of communicating with her.  Complete No contact! 
 

Like Wiseman has said; I don’t believe that she hasn’t been communicating with her ex up until this point. 

Oh okay, but why isn't it believable that she hasn't or what reason do I have to suspect she hasn't.  Also, the only way he has been contacting her is through the post office she says, and the post office will not block contact for her, as it was pointed out on here.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, but why isn't it believable that she hasn't or what reason do I have to suspect she hasn't.  Also, the only way he has been contacting her is through the post office she says, and the post office will not block contact for her, as it was pointed out on here.

IP, virtually every response from you is "oh okay" BUT...

You keep asking the same question over and over -  BUT what can she do?

Throughout this thread, you have been given great advice about "what she can do," I'm confused why you continue asking.

My final advice is re-read this thread with an open mind and consider what posters have been advising.  Versus refuting and questioning.  

OR just do what you want, what you think is best, including being her white knight if you so choose, and let chips fall where they may. 

 

Edited January 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[ironpony]

I will go back and reread the responses and see what I can do.  Sorry for not responding for a while.  I just needed to get away from this situation for a bit and relax.  But I promise I will go through the responses and see what I can do.  Thank you everyone for the input!  I really appreciate it!

[Acacia98]

OP, I think I finally have a better understanding of what's going on. No wonder you're anxious: This situation is way beyond your pay grade. She doesn't need advice from you on how to handle this situation. She needs legal advice; she needs to find a lawyer who specializes in this type of case (stalking or harassment) and present all the details of the situation to him/her, including her ex's demands for money and her desire to pay him. And then she should listen to the lawyer's advice. Your job, if you decide to stay in the relationship, is to provide emotional support and comfort her.

It's not our place to say whether or not she's exaggerating, whether he could kill her, whether she owes him money (for all we know, he may have lent her money and she may have failed to pay him back), etc. We don't know/can't know enough about the situation to say for sure. None of us has sat down with her and had a long conversation, asking all the right/relevant questions, so there are bound to be more twists and turns that we haven't anticipated.

Look, if you want out, I don't blame you. It is okay to want out. And it is okay to end the relationship if you so choose. I get the sense that she wasn't ready for a new relationship when she started seeing you (you mentioned her saying that sometimes she doesn't trust you because of her experience with her ex---she definitely shouldn't be dating you or anyone else right now; that's leftover emotional stuff that she needs to deal with first). She also needs to deal with this ex-boyfriend drama with minimal involvement in decision-making on your part. That's why it is so important for her to do things properly and seek legal advice.

Don't push her to make any kind of decision. She may very well be right, and your preferred course of action could lead to her ex's physically attacking her. If you must help her, help her find a good lawyer, and help her find support groups and organizations and online forums that specialize in this matter. And then once she has an informed perspective of the situation, give her room to figure out what she wants to do. If her ultimate decision is diametrically opposed to what you believe to be morally/ethically right and it makes you doubt whether you want to be with her, feel free to end the relationship. 

[ironpony]

9 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, I think I finally have a better understanding of what's going on. No wonder you're anxious: This situation is way beyond your pay grade. She doesn't need advice from you on how to handle this situation. She needs legal advice; she needs to find a lawyer who specializes in this type of case (stalking or harassment) and present all the details of the situation to him/her, including her ex's demands for money and her desire to pay him. And then she should listen to the lawyer's advice. Your job, if you decide to stay in the relationship, is to provide emotional support and comfort her.

It's not our place to say whether or not she's exaggerating, whether he could kill her, whether she owes him money (for all we know, he may have lent her money and she may have failed to pay him back), etc. We don't know/can't know enough about the situation to say for sure. None of us has sat down with her and had a long conversation, asking all the right/relevant questions, so there are bound to be more twists and turns that we haven't anticipated.

Look, if you want out, I don't blame you. It is okay to want out. And it is okay to end the relationship if you so choose. I get the sense that she wasn't ready for a new relationship when she started seeing you (you mentioned her saying that sometimes she doesn't trust you because of her experience with her ex---she definitely shouldn't be dating you or anyone else right now; that's leftover emotional stuff that she needs to deal with first). She also needs to deal with this ex-boyfriend drama with minimal involvement in decision-making on your part. That's why it is so important for her to do things properly and seek legal advice.

Don't push her to make any kind of decision. She may very well be right, and your preferred course of action could lead to her ex's physically attacking her. If you must help her, help her find a good lawyer, and help her find support groups and organizations and online forums that specialize in this matter. And then once she has an informed perspective of the situation, give her room to figure out what she wants to do. If her ultimate decision is diametrically opposed to what you believe to be morally/ethically right and it makes you doubt whether you want to be with her, feel free to end the relationship. 

Oh okay.  I just feel that she is in a state of mind, where she is not good at making decisions on how to solve problems.  In the past, her solution to problems was to run away from them or not confront them at all.  I feel that is what she seems to be kind of doing here, and I don't think it's healthy.  I understand I shouldn't make decisions for her, but when her solution is to run from problems and deny them, I feel that she is in a state of mind where she cannot make a decision by herself, and therefore needs some sort of guidance.  I say that out of care and concern, rather than wanting anything else.