Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[basil67]

It's exactly the same.  You said earlier in this thread that you don't want a girlfriend who's foolish with her money.   However, there are many, including posters here and your parents who believe your plan is highly likely to see you lose your life savings.   If you expect a girlfriend to be sensible with money, you need to also be sensible

[ironpony]

Just now, basil67 said:

It's exactly the same.  You said earlier in this thread that you don't want a girlfriend who's foolish with her money.   However, there are many, including posters here and your parents who believe your plan is highly likely to see you lose your life savings.   If you expect a girlfriend to be sensible with money, you need to also be sensible

But I don't think my career and business goals have anything to do with this and it's not related to this issue I don't think.  I think it's best to keep the issues separate and treat them that way.

But if I want to set a boundary, how do I do that without it being blackmail?  How do I say this the boundary for this relationship to work for me, without it being blackmail and just a set boundary?

[basil67]

You can’t set a boundary because her actions don’t directly affect you.  Boundaries are about how other people treat you - and she’s not doing anything to you

[ironpony]

But I feel I cannot have a partner that gives her money to psycho exes.  It feels like that affects me a lot emotionally.  I feel it's not respectful for our relationship and that's how it affects me.

Edited January 9, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

So end the relationship.

Or to take another view, she hasn't given the money to him and may not give the money.  That she's considering it doesn't mean she will decide to do it.

 

 

Edited January 9, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

Also...you say that it's disrespectful to your relationship.  But what I see is a woman who's afraid and hoping that paying him will make him go away.  It's got absolutely nothing to do with your relationship

[Cali Lisa]

On 1/6/2022 at 6:10 AM, ironpony said:

I love her, it's just that this experience is really changing her, into a person I am not gelling with if that makes sense.  She says she is afraid of him but this makes her want to try to work things out with some sort of closure.  It's the deciding whether or not to submit and bend over for him which turns me off because I feel that I am not in love with that person, but the person she is before changing now, once this situation escalated. But I do love her and will stick by her through it, I am just becoming weary of her personality and character changes from it.

But she says she is powerless and maybe she should just give him what he wants for her own safety from him, and that he is holding all the cards, but is he really though...

Ooooohhh, I see. That totally makes sense to me. It just turns you off to see her acting like that. Yes, many things in our partners that aren't bad can be a turn off such as not showing backbone and self-respect when poked repeatedly. We all want the hero type. Perhaps you could discuss with her further how you feel about this. I don't see any other way. I think no matter what the guy does, this is an issue between you and her, precisely how she treats this dude. He could have been a total maniac but if her reaction to him was proper, you would not think of leaving her, right? It's that she deals with him this way. Well, I think you need to get to the bottom of it as to WHY she acts like that with him. I am sure she has reasons and there is more to the story than what you can perceive - obviously! If you feel jealousy toward this guy then maybe she still has feelings for him and your mind is picking up on those vibes. I don't know, just throwing in some suggestions. I hope everything works out fine. It doesn't sound like a disaster that will last forever. This too shall pass.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

 I cannot have a partner that gives her money to psycho exes.  

Is she giving him the money or is it a rhetorical argument?

You have the choice to end it if her past or actions or choices don't suit you.

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she giving him the money or is it a rhetorical argument?

You have the choice to end it if her past or actions or choices don't suit you.

I could do that if she gives him the money.  it's just that I don't like any relationships by surprise without any warning. But if I give warning, it's said to be blackmail.  But is there anything more I can do prior to set up boundary besides ending the relationship? Or is ending the relationship the only way to set a boundary without it being blackmail?

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Also...you say that it's disrespectful to your relationship.  But what I see is a woman who's afraid and hoping that paying him will make him go away.  It's got absolutely nothing to do with your relationship

Well it just doesn't sit well with me as in it just feels weak for a girlfriend to succumb to that with an accident that makes sense while she is in a relationship with someone else. It's hard to put my finger on, it just doesn't sit well.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

 if she gives him the money.

So it's not actually happening and you are fretting about her simply venting to you?

Edited January 9, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ironpony]

I'm afraid she will likely succumb to it and will since keeps floating the idea as a means to get him to back off.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I'm afraid she will... 

OK. Nothing you can do but be supportive and listen.

She's not doing anything wrong and your anxiety and bad legal urgings isn't helping her.

Step back and simply listen.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well it just doesn't sit well with me as in it just feels weak for a girlfriend to succumb to that with an accident that makes sense while she is in a relationship with someone else. It's hard to put my finger on, it just doesn't sit well.

She's considering this because she's frightened or overwhelmed by his behaviour and wants to put an end to it.  Her actions have nothing to do with you or the relationship.

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

She's considering this because she's frightened or overwhelmed by his behaviour and wants to put an end to it.  Her actions have nothing to do with you or the relationship.

But I feel this is a double standard though because if it were the other way around and I gave that much money to a stalking ex, she would totally be turned off. So isn't it a double standard in that sense?

[poppyfields]

@ironponythis wouid turn me completely off.

And I disagree that their toxic interaction now has nothing to do with your relationship.  

Their interaction now --  him stalking and demanding money which is nothing short of blackmail is having a very significant impact on your relationship.

Reading your posts, that is quite obvious and if I were in your shoes and my boyfriend had a toxic EX who was attempting to wreak havoc, by stalking him, harassing him demanding money, and my boyfriend allowed it, I'm gone! 

Where there is smoke there is fire.  In my experience, that saying is more true than not, so be careful and take care of YOU.

Listen to the signals it sends to your body - anxiety, that off feeling you have discussed, the discomfort.

Perhaps another person would not react that way but YOU do and that's OK.

Do what's necessary to feel less anxiety and less stress, a good relationship is not supposed to feel that way...

 

Edited January 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@ironponythis wouid turn me completely off.

And I disagree that their toxic interaction now has nothing to do with your relationship.  

Their interaction now --  him stalking and demanding money which is nothing short of blackmail is having a very significant impact on your relationship.

Reading your posts, that is quite obvious and if I were in your shoes and my boyfriend had a toxic EX who was attempting to wreak havoc, by stalking him, harassing him demanding money, and my boyfriend allowed it, I'm gone! 

Where there is smoke there is fire.  In my experience, that saying is more true than not, so be careful and take care of YOU.

Listen to the signals it sends to your body - anxiety, that off feeling you have discussed, the discomfort.

Perhaps another person would not react that way but YOU do and that's OK.

Do what's necessary to feel less anxiety and less stress, a good relationship is not supposed to feel that way...

 

Oh okay.  Well in terms of her allowing it, like you said, what can she do to not allow it?  I mean she blocked him on text, email, etc.  But his only route to get messages to her now is the post office, but I don't think she can block someone at the post office or they will do that for her, will they?  I am just wondering what she is doing to allow it, compared to having done all she can do perhaps?

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

But I feel this is a double standard though because if it were the other way around and I gave that much money to a stalking ex, she would totally be turned off. So isn't it a double standard in that sense?

You are free to leave her if you don't like it.  Just as she would be free to leave you if she didn't like you doing the same thing.  

When is the last time he contacted her?   

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You are free to leave her if you don't like it.  Just as she would be free to leave you if she didn't like you doing the same thing.  

When is the last time he contacted her?   

just recently through the postal service again.  But she said she is doing all she can to block him and cannot get the post office to follow through with it though.  Should I leave if she is making a genuine effort?

Edited January 10, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

The post office won't block people - it's not their job.  If he sends mail, she can throw it in the trash.    If he formalises his claim and wants to take her to court, the letter will be brought to her by an officer of the court and she will have to read that.

We can't tell you if you should leave if she's making a genuine effort.  That is entirely up to your conscience and your tolerance for the matter.

Edited January 10, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

Okay thanks.  She hasn't opened it yet and I didn't think the post office would do anything.

I feel like she is making a genuine effort to stay away from him unless she pays him.  Then she will not be making a genuine effort because she would have to restablish contact with him to do so.

[basil67]

You know, there is one advantage to reading the letters: if he's telling her that he's not going to chase her further, she will have peace of mind.  But if he's threatening her, then you've got evidence for a restraining order.  

 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well in terms of her allowing it, like you said, what can she do to not allow it? 

She can assertively tell him that NO she's not giving him money that he spent while they were dating, that's absurd.  

She can assertively tell him to leave her the hell alone, she wants nothing to do with him, it's over, she has a new boyfriend and if he doesn't leave her the HELL alone she will have him arrested for harassment.  

She sounds scared and intimidated by him.  Weak.   He knows it.  And he will continue harassing and attempting to extort money from her because of it....

I would expect nothing less from my partner if this were happening to him.  Or to myself. 

The fact she is even considering giving him money to leave her alone is absolutely absurd and a huge mistake if she does.  

 

[ironpony]

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

She can assertively tell him that NO she's not giving him money that he spent while they were dating, that's absurd.  

She can assertively tell him to leave her the hell alone, she wants nothing to do with him, it's over, she has a new boyfriend and if he doesn't leave her the HELL alone she will have him arrested for harassment.  

She sounds scared and intimidated by him.  Weak.   He knows it.  And he will continue harassing and attempting to extort money from her because of it....

I would expect nothing less from my partner if this were happening to him.  Or to myself. 

The fact she is even considering giving him money to leave her alone is absolutely absurd and a huge mistake if she does.  

 

Oh okay I see.  She's very fearful of him and worries that he is going to kill her and she says she keeps waking up from nightmare of her killing her.  I understand her fear for sure, but I feel if she doesn't work up the courage to not pay him for sure with a resounding no, he will keep coming after her more most likely.  She's very shy and always seems to favor diplomacy over confrontation.  Not to make her sound bad, but she is that way.

[Calmandfocused]

Hang on I’ve spotted another inconsistency… you said in earlier pages that he was texting and emailing her. Now you’re saying he’s blocked. Which is it? If she’s only just recently blocked him  I’d be questioning why. 
 

Paying someone doesn’t get rid of nightmares.