Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

But she asks me for advice to though do should I give her advice then if she keeps asking

Yes, I understand she wants your advice.  But does she know that your advice comes after telling all and sundry here what's going on?

While I can't speak for your girlfriend, I'd be furious if I found out that a partner had been sharing such detailed descriptions of issues in my life without my consent.   When she asks for advice, perhaps it would be wise to first seek her permission to write online and find out the limits of what she wants shared.  Ask permission for each topic.

Edited January 5, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

But she asks me for advice to though do should I give her advice then if she keeps asking

Just as you do, when people just want to talk about something, they position it as a question, but they really just want to discuss something. There's nothing you can do because you have no standing in this.

[poppyfields]

On 1/1/2022 at 10:09 AM, ironpony said:

She got the restraining order and now has a court date

basil, thanks, above is the post.  But it's confusing because she would actually need to appear in court on the date given before getting the order.  

So my take is she applied for the TRO, and was given a court date to appear in court so the judge can hear the facts and grant it.  Is this correct ironpony?  

Also after that post, he posted she was afraid to take legal action for fear he would retaliate.

So his posts are confusing.  To me anyway....

In any event, I still think this whole thing sounds off but I will refrain from further commenting and wish ironpony the best of luck whatever happens.

 

Edited January 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

@poppyfields I think it all goes back to what I've said on this topic previously: She needs to get advice from her lawyer or police.  Someone who has full knowledge of the history and the expertise to advise 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

@poppyfields I think it all goes back to what I've said on this topic previously: She needs to get advice from her lawyer or police.  Someone who has full knowledge of the history and the expertise to advise 

100% agree.  A lawyer would be best.  I was actually trying to on line chat with a lawyer in Canada myself but they wanted money so I took a pass.

But yeah absolutely she should be talking with a lawyer, ALL her questions would be answered re retaliation, etc.

That is another reason why this sounds off to me.    Something is not jiving, jmo.

 

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

When she reported him to the police for coming in with her key uninvited the police then went to question him about it, and he retaliated by coming in a few hours later with her key again while she was sleeping and threatened her.  She is worried this court order will now cause him to retaliate again.

She filed for one but it was not granted and it wasn't enough she said.  But the fact that she filed for one might cause him to retaliate she fears, even if it was not successful.

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

100% agree.  A lawyer would be best.  I was actually trying to on line chat with a lawyer in Canada myself but they wanted money so I took a pass.

But yeah absolutely she should be talking with a lawyer, ALL her questions would be answered re retaliation, etc.

That is another reason why this sounds off to me.    Something is not jiving, jmo.

 

I agree something is not jiving.  I feel she just believes whatever the person on the phone to the court tells her without asking more questions

[ironpony]

Just now, ironpony said:

I agree something is not jiving.  I feel she just believes whatever the person on the phone to the court tells her without asking more questions

She gave a very long and technical explanation from the court but I will have to post on here another time.  To put it simply they are not going to grant the restraining order.

[poppyfields]

Just now, ironpony said:

She filed for one but it was not granted and it wasn't enough she said.  But the fact that she filed for one might cause him to retaliate she fears, even if it was not successful.

So she actually appeared in court on the date they provided?  A judge heard her case, how he entered her apartment without permission and threatened her?

And he still denied it?

Wow.

 

[ironpony]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

So she actually appeared in court on the date they provided?  A judge heard her case, how he entered her apartment without permission and threatened her?

And he still denied it?

Wow.

 

I couldn't be there but she said she was told that she had to be in imminent danger to get it.  But this apartment thing was a while ago so no longer in danger.  But she had to have this meeting over the phone because if covid.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I couldn't be there but she said she was told that she had to be in imminent danger to get it.  But this apartment thing was a while ago so no longer in danger.  But she had to have this meeting over the phone because if covid.

Bolded, that makes sense.  Here in the U.S., many hearings are heard via teleconference (phone) or video (Zoom) because of COVID, or used to be.  

So I can understand that.

Perhaps the requirements are stricter in Canada because here in the U.S., if someone entered your home and threatened you, that would certainly be grounds for a judge granting it.   Better safe than sorry.

 

 

 

Edited January 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[ironpony]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

basil, where did he post she had finally gotten the restraining order?   I just read through all his posts and didn't see it.

^As of three hours ago, she was afraid to take legal action.

ironpony, do you mean she is afraid he will retaliate IF she obtains a restraining order?

I am actually trying to find out for you what the law is in Canada for violating a TRO, I can't imagine it's much different from U.S. but it might be.

I will let you know what I find out.

 

 

 

I don't know about the law.  She wasn't able to get the restraining order.  She filed it and we waited for it to process, and we got a call that she didn't have enough to get one.  But I wish that an actual judge would have looked at it rather than some court officer who called.  What's the point of being a judge, if the government is just going to appoint you flunkies to decide your cases for you.  But I'm not an expert so what do I know.  But I just wish we could actually get to a judge rather than have someone calling her back over the phone.

The reason why she said she didn't tell me as much and kept me in the dark about it more, is because she has become not so trusting of people from her relationship with her ex.  Her ex abused her and raped her and because of the experience, she has trouble trusting me sometimes, even though she said I didn't do anything to make her like that and it was all her ex.  I feel really bad for her that that happened to her.  She also said that this experience with her ex has caused her a lot of anxiety and PTSD and that is why she is reluctant to do a lot because she is afraid he will come after her again if she does and it's been causing her a lot of stress and anxiety to deal with it therefore, which is why she has been reluctant.

But it was said before on here, that she didn't seem to be taking it seriously and it seems like there is a fair chance they may get back together if she still feels a connection with him.  Does that still sound likely so?

As for the court officer saying there needs to be an imminant danger to get the restraining order, I thought that the reason to get was before the danger becomes imminent.  I read examples of imminent danger in a legal definition and it listed examples such as someone pulling a gun or a knife which counts as imminent.  But why does it have to be that imminent before getting a TRO?  But then again what do I know, just giving my gripes about it.

Edited January 6, 2022 by ironpony

[Cali Lisa]

It sounds like you have made up your mind. Why confirm your decision? This is not about her ex, this is about whether you care about her enough to go through thick and thin with her. If you are not emotionally invested then leave her alone and don't lie to her that you love her. If you love her then you are in this together. But it doesn't sound like you feel that way. It sounds like you want out in which case you should get out.  

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, ironpony said:

.  But this apartment thing was a while ago so no longer in danger.  

What do you mean by "a while ago"?

 The courts decision is final and based on evidence. Which she didn't have enough of and she let him have keys without changing locks for a while.

Step back from this. You're just confusing her and her story is difficult to follow. You're not an attorney so just listen and be supportive. 

Court hearings have been done via phone since Covid. A judge decides and a court official delivers the verdict. It's that simple. Why are you calling them "flunkies"? 

 

Edited January 6, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Cali Lisa]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What do you mean by "a while ago"?

 The courts decision is final and based on evidence.

 

I think he meant the court didn't find that something that happened long time ago was putting her in any danger now. And as for now, whatever the ex did recently wasn't enough for a restraining order. But in the original poster's opinion, this could easily escalate to that point again because the ex is clearly still (or again) psychotic. 

[ironpony]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What do you mean by "a while ago"?

 The courts decision is final and based on evidence. Which she didn't have enough of and she let him have keys without changing locks for a while.

Step back from this. You're just confusing her and her story is difficult to follow. You're not an attorney so just listen and be supportive. 

Court hearings have been done via phone since Covid. A judge decides and a court official delivers the verdict. It's that simple. Why are you calling them "flunkies"? 

 

I don't think a judge even looked at it.  I think a court secretary or whatever you call them, did themselves and made the decision themselves.  If a judge looked at it why couldn't they give us a judge's name at all.

[ironpony]

15 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I don't think a judge even looked at it.  I think a court secretary or whatever you call them, did themselves and made the decision themselves.  If a judge looked at it why couldn't they give us a judge's name at all.

I just asked her what the court person on the phone said exactly and she said that he told her that there wasn't enough to take it to a judge.  So a judge didn't even look at it, because this court officer, on the phone has the final say if it goes to a judge or not the first place.

[ironpony]

6 hours ago, Cali Lisa said:

It sounds like you have made up your mind. Why confirm your decision? This is not about her ex, this is about whether you care about her enough to go through thick and thin with her. If you are not emotionally invested then leave her alone and don't lie to her that you love her. If you love her then you are in this together. But it doesn't sound like you feel that way. It sounds like you want out in which case you should get out.  

I love her, it's just that this experience is really changing her, into a person I am not gelling with if that makes sense.  She says she is afraid of him but this makes her want to try to work things out with some sort of closure.  It's the deciding whether or not to submit and bend over for him which turns me off because I feel that I am not in love with that person, but the person she is before changing now, once this situation escalated. But I do love her and will stick by her through it, I am just becoming weary of her personality and character changes from it.

But she says she is powerless and maybe she should just give him what he wants for her own safety from him, and that he is holding all the cards, but is he really though...

Edited January 6, 2022 by ironpony

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, ironpony said:

it's just that this experience is really changing her, into a person I am not gelling with if that makes sense. 

She isn't changing. It's who she's always been, you just didn't know this side of her yet. 

8 hours ago, ironpony said:

But then again what do I know,

Exactly. You are not a lawyer and don't appear to be familiar with the legal details of such cases. So instead of complaining about what you think happened or think should happen, stop inserting yourself when your girlfirend has drawn a line here. She can speak to another lawyer if she wants a second opinion. She is an adult and can handle this without your intervention when you don't know your way around the legal system to begin with. Getting advice on the internet from people who are not legal experts in your jurisdiction is not going to help you, and in fact could make things worse. The only person she should be consulting with is a licensed and practicing attorney in your area. 

19 minutes ago, ironpony said:

she says she is powerless and maybe she should just give him what he wants

Meaning? What does he want exactly? 

You have stated that she wants to give him closure, but what is "closure" here - a conversation on the phone? In person? Or? 

[ironpony]

Sorry I didn't mean for this thread to turn into a legal one, since I didn't intend to start it that way.  It just went into a legal discussion as we went along, sorry.

So sorry for not explaining the closure.  He wants her to pay him about $5500 USD back for all the money he spent on her in the relationship and having it be a waste now that they have broken up.  She feels like if she pays him back out of her savings, he will leave her alone, and she can be absolved of him finally then.  But I feel that if she does that, he is just going to want something from her later, and then something else, then something else, etc.  I feel that paying him back would just be a waste, and he would be taking her for a ride and just want to keep coming after her anyway.

But she feels she should pay him and that will work.  But I also feel that this is a not good for my partner to pay someone off just because he is being a jerk.  If a partner is going to paying off jerks like that, how can a partner be reliable in a relationship then, if they are so easy to succumb to pressure?

[Cali Lisa]

12 hours ago, ironpony said:

I just asked her what the court person on the phone said exactly and she said that he told her that there wasn't enough to take it to a judge.  So a judge didn't even look at it, because this court officer, on the phone has the final say if it goes to a judge or not the first place.

So, get enough evidence! 

[ironpony]

4 minutes ago, Cali Lisa said:

So, get enough evidence! 

He won't leave enough evidence.  The court doesn't know how to deal with smart predators I guess.

[Cali Lisa]

On 1/5/2022 at 2:06 PM, poppyfields said:

100% agree.  A lawyer would be best.  I was actually trying to on line chat with a lawyer in Canada myself but they wanted money so I took a pass.

But yeah absolutely she should be talking with a lawyer, ALL her questions would be answered re retaliation, etc.

That is another reason why this sounds off to me.    Something is not jiving, jmo.

 

There are organizations that help domestic violence victims in court. You don't have to pay a lawyer. Don't call lawyers. Google the non-profit orgs.

[ironpony]

Oh okay, thanks, I will check it out.  Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ironpony said:

.  He wants her to pay him about $5500 USD back.

Unfortunately, this story she's telling you has so many twists and turns that it seems they want to get back together.

She seems to tell you whatever she can make up.  First he's over there with his keys at night.  Then she claims she called the police.

Then stories about restraining orders which she also doesn't seem to want to get, since now you claim they're chitchatting about money.

Then stories about needing closure. And now stories about she wants to give him money?

Obviously they are talking and seeing each other. Otherwise where would she come up with this story about money?

Step back from all this. Stop telling her what to do. She seems to be telling you one tall tale after the next.