Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Is it possible for her to block snail mail or does it not work like that when it comes to snail mail?

Did you two spend New Year's together? No one needs to open their snail mail. The trash can is often next to the mailbox.

[ironpony]

Yeah we spent new years together, or at least new years eve. Today is new year's day but she is working today.  She also said she feels she must try to give him sort of closure, because she fears for her mortal safety and feels her ex will kill her ultimately if she keeps ignoring her she said she feels.

She got the restraining order and now has a court date.  But she feels she cannot face him there, because she has trauma from him since he raped her in the past.  

[ ] 

Edited January 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
seeking legal advice

[basil67]

It makes no sense that she has a restraining order and is scared to see him in court..... yet plans to contact him for closure.   If she feels safe enough to contact him about the break up, then she should never have gotten the restraining order. 

If she's scared to appear in court, she needs to discuss this with her lawyer.

Edited January 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to hidden content.

[basil67]

@ironpony does your girlfriend know that you share her personal matters (such as court cases and whether to get an AVO) on LS?   Does she read the responses?

[ironpony]

Oh well I was given a warning not to talk about court cases on here, so I will refrain from doing that, based on the warning.

Edited January 2, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

No, I mean in general.  Does she know that you're sharing about her dealing with a stalker ex, an upcoming court case (even without details), getting AVOs, her sexual responses, her physical health, issues at work?   I know lots of posters get ideas on how to manage disagreements and problems, but you're sharing a whole lot of personal stuff and I just hope she's comfortable with the level of what you share.

Edited January 2, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

She knows about some of them but I and I said I was getting advice on how to deal with this problem specifically, but I didn't show her the advice I got though.  I could though.

[ironpony]

Well the court said that him texting her, mailing her, and coming in twice with the key, wasn't enough to get a restraining order so far.

[spiderowl]

On 12/28/2021 at 8:00 AM, ironpony said:

Oh sorry I don't mean for the story to change.  Perhaps broke in was the wrong term, what I meant was, he entered without permission while she was sleeping.  Both times he did this were in one day, in a span of a few hours.  He did it once, she calls the police, reports it, then he does it again later after they leave.

She said she will attempt get one later this week on her day off.  She also emailed attorneys about it, but they haven't gotten back to her.  Maybe it's because of the Christmas holidays, since she emailed them last week?

The fact that this ex has entered her home while she was sleeping and then later on after he has been reported to and talked to by police shows he is extremely unbalanced and potentially very dangerous.  This is not normal behaviour.  Your girlfriend is dealing with a very scary situation.

I do think you should support your girlfriend in getting a restraining order, not that I think it will do much good against this guy as he has already ignored the police.

Whether it is too stressful for you to deal with or not, is a question only you can answer, ironpony, but it is very scary for your girlfriend too.  I cannot imagine someone leaving their partner because they have a crazy ex - do you love her or not?  If you are just dating her for the fun of it (or otherwise in this case) and do not love her, then leave her to find someone who does care about her.  I say this while understanding that it is incredibly difficult and scary for you both.  This is why the police and courts must be involved.  I am sorry you are both facing this.

[ironpony]

I do love her.  I will support and remain with her, I just got frustrated, especially since it happened with an ex before, so I wonder do desirable women just come with psycho exes, or what, and frusterated.  I will keep going and see, but I do love her.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

 him texting her, mailing her, and coming in twice with the key, 

Exactly. She is allowing him access .  Either you are unclear of the facts or she's telling you stories for drama. Or she's covering her tracks with quite unbelievable lies.

It's possible they still hookup particularly since you have so many problems with her and especially a lot of complaints about her because of your ED being an issue.

Either way, it's not your problem. She's 21 and can manage it.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/1/2022 at 7:09 PM, ironpony said:

She also said she feels she must try to give him sort of closure

This is a big part of the problem. She doesn't need to give him closure. This is a very poor choice on her part and flies in the face of attempting to get a restraining order. No judge is going to grant one if she even so much as hints she wants to continue contact in any way. 

She could be a lot firmer in her boundaries, if she wanted to be. 

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

so I wonder do desirable women just come with psycho exes

No, this does not just come with the territory. 

[ironpony]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is a big part of the problem. She doesn't need to give him closure. This is a very poor choice on her part and flies in the face of attempting to get a restraining order. No judge is going to grant one if she even so much as hints she wants to continue contact in any way. 

She could be a lot firmer in her boundaries, if she wanted to be. 

No, this does not just come with the territory. 

Well she says she is afraid that he will retaliate if she takes legal action against him because everything she has done do far, he has retaliated.  That's why she is scared to take any legal action.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Well she says she is afraid that he will retaliate if she takes legal action against him because everything she has done do far, he has retaliated.  That's why she is scared to take any legal action.

You may be missing the cues that she is still into him or she is giving you all these excuses to get you to stop interfering.

He has keys, comes over at night, her family likes him and claims she needs to keep seeing him for "closure".

Let her manage it. They may get back together. 

Edited January 5, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You may be missing the cues that she is still into him or she is giving you all these excuses to get you to stop interfering.

He has keys, comes over at night, her family likes him and claims she needs to keep seeing him for "closure".

Let her manage it. They may get back together. 

I have to agree with all of the above. 

 

[ironpony]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I have to agree with all of the above. 

 

But she asks me for advice to though do should I give her advice then if she keeps asking

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You may be missing the cues that she is still into him or she is giving you all these excuses to get you to stop interfering.

He has keys, comes over at night, her family likes him and claims she needs to keep seeing him for "closure".

Let her manage it. They may get back together. 

I thought that a guy letting himself into an exes house while she is sleeping after she calls the police on him was a bad thing of him to do though.  Isn't that a red flag on his part.

Edited January 5, 2022 by ironpony

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I thought that a guy letting himself into an exes house while she is sleeping after she calls the police on him was a bad thing of him to do though.  Isn't that a red flag on his part.

I am unclear as to why he still has keys to her apartment?  This makes absolutely no sense given what she's telling you about him stalking and harassing her and seeking a TRO.  It's a total double message, not sure how you can't see that.

If he refused to give her keys back, then she should get the locks changed.  Heck when my ex was stalking and harassing me years ago, I moved and changed my phone number.  Stalking and harassment is serious business, no woman experiencing this would allow an ex to keep keys or NOT change the locks at the very least.  She certainly would NOT be needing to see him for "closure."

I hate to be an alarmist but something is very very off about this ironpony.

Edited January 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[ironpony]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am unclear as to why he still has keys to her apartment?  This makes absolutely no sense given what she's telling you about him stalking and harassing her and seeking a TRO.  It's a total double message, not sure how you can't see that.

If he refused to give her keys back, then she should get the locks changed.  Heck when my ex was stalking and harassing me years ago, I moved and changed my phone number.  Stalking and harassment is serious business, no woman experiencing this would allow an ex to keep keys or NOT change the locks at the very least.  She certainly would NOT be needing to see him for "closure."

I hate to be an alarmist but something is very very off about this ironpony.

Some guys when dumped refuse to give keys back I guess.

She had the locks changed after

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well she says she is afraid that he will retaliate if she takes legal action against him because everything she has done do far, he has retaliated.  That's why she is scared to take any legal action.

That is a fair assessment. What retaliation is she describing?

[ironpony]

When she reported him to the police for coming in with her key uninvited the police then went to question him about it, and he retaliated by coming in a few hours later with her key again while she was sleeping and threatened her.  She is worried this court order will now cause him to retaliate again.

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well the court said that him texting her, mailing her, and coming in twice with the key, wasn't enough to get a restraining order so far.

 

5 minutes ago, ironpony said:

She is worried this court order will now cause him to retaliate again

These two statements contradict.  Was she able to get the restraining order or not? 

Re the first quote, I find it odd the court would deny given he entered her home without her permission and threatened her?   I used to work in legal for many years, and this would be enough to warrant issuing a restraining order.

Re him retaliating, violating a court-ordered restraining order will land him in jail with a hefty fine....

"Violating a restraining order is considered a “wobbler” offense. That means that the crime can be charged as a misdemeanor or a felony, depending on the circumstances. A misdemeanor restraining order violation is punishable by up to one year in jail and a fine of up to $1,000.

 

[basil67]

@poppyfields Ironpony recently said that she finally got a restraining order, so I imagine these two descriptions relate to different time periods.

Also, he's in Canada, so quoting US laws may confuse matters further for him.  

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well she says she is afraid that he will retaliate if she takes legal action against him because everything she has done do far, he has retaliated.  That's why she is scared to take any legal action.

basil, where did he post she had finally gotten the restraining order?   I just read through all his posts and didn't see it.

^As of three hours ago, she was afraid to take legal action.

ironpony, do you mean she is afraid he will retaliate IF she obtains a restraining order?

I am actually trying to find out for you what the law is in Canada for violating a TRO, I can't imagine it's much different from U.S. but it might be.

I will let you know what I find out.

 

 

 

[basil67]

@poppyfields  second post, page 4

Edited January 5, 2022 by basil67