Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[Alvi]

4 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Why isn't he in jail?

Based on what you've shared she doesn't seem as put off by this behavior as you are.    I think that's reason enough to find someone else.

In jail for what? Unless he openly threatens her or harms her, don't know how much police can do. Apparently, they turned a blind eye when she went there and complained about him showing up at her place. A place where he no longer lives. 
Is there anybody who works in a law enforcement who could tell the OP what their options are in this case? Restraining order could be expensive and may or may not work. Would it help if she recorded him I wonder?

Edited December 30, 2021 by Alvi

[Alvi]

4 hours ago, JRabbit said:

well she needs to tell her mom NOW, if this EX is truly stalking her her mom needs to be aware of the danger she is putting her daughter in.

Yes, she needs to tell her mom about her abusive ex. Please do encourage her to have that chat with her parents. 

[ironpony]

Oh well the ex already knows where my gf lives so I didn't think the Mom could tell the ex anything more than the ex already knows that would be bad, but I will tell her to tell her.  Thank you.

[ironpony]

27 minutes ago, Alvi said:

In jail for what? Unless he openly threatens her or harms her, don't know how much police can do. Apparently, they turned a blind eye when she went there and complained about him showing up at her place. A place where he no longer lives. 
Is there anybody who works in a law enforcement who could tell the OP what their options are in this case? Restraining order could be expensive and may or may not work. Would it help if she recorded him I wonder?

The problem is all he is doing is communcating through emails and texting and would that do any good.  My gf has them all and is going to take them when she sees an attorney, and she can also use the previous police reports she made to try to get the restraining order.  I mean most of the emails and texts are bad language and bringing trying to bring down her self esteem, but is foul language and bullying self-esteem really grouns to make an arrest?  Well, I guess she will see.

My gf is also shy and not very confrontational, so I could go with her in an attempt to get a restraining order, but not sure if that will help her, or not, since maybe I am not allowed to be in the room when someone else is getting one... I don't know.

Edited December 30, 2021 by ironpony

[ironpony]

Well now she says I am putting way too much stress on her to get this restraining order, and she feels she cannot go through with it now because she has too much stress from having to work a lot of overtime in her job and needs to just do that this weekend, and put the order on hold for a few days at least she says.  But she says I am putting too much stress on her and I just need to cool off on it and understand her position.  Should I do that then and just back off, and be there for her and not bring it up anymore?

[basil67]

Yes, you should back off.   I know you're trying to help her, but this is yet another instance of you being over involved in her problems.    

[ironpony]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, you should back off.   I know you're trying to help her, but this is yet another instance of you being over involved in her problems.    

But it was said on here before that I should suggest to her to get a restraining order of course too though.

But I also feel that this is my problem too though, because her going through this stress causes her to come to me with it, so it affects me too, and therefore is my problem too, isn't it?  I don't think I can be in this relationship and be completely unaffected by this and she can keep this separate from the relationship, can she?

Plus this isn't the end of it.  The ex is going to try something else later and I don't want to have to be the one to tell her I told you so, and you should have done something sooner.  But maybe I will just have to be the one to tell her that?

Edited December 30, 2021 by ironpony

[ironpony]

I just feel like I too have a say that if I am in a relationship with a psycho ex, than I should have some say as to what is going to be done about that psycho ex in this relationship.  Unless I am wrong, and it's my job to just put up with whatever decisions she makes it about it, and that's my job as a partner?

[basil67]

Let's roll this back: I know you like to seek guidance from us, but this issue is your girlfriend's problem.  When you came here to tell us about her problem and ask for advice on her behalf, did she know you were doing this and support it?    And even if she did support it, our advice isn't meant to be taken as firm direction.  Rather, it's just advice which people are free to accept or ignore.   

Not to dismiss a lot of the good advice given here, but don't EVER do stuff because a bunch of randoms on the internet told you to do it.   The idea of being online is to ask opinions and then make your own decision - and then own that decision.   If you tell her to get a restraining order, do so because YOU think it's a good idea.  Not because Loveshack told you to do it.

Anyway, if you think that a restraining order is a good idea, it's OK to suggest it once and then leave it in her hands.  However, she said that you're putting too much stress on her about it, so I'm guessing that you've been pushing her to do it.  It's not OK to push her enough to annoy her.  This is her business and really should be decided between her and the police or lawyer.  Not by you and certainly not by us.

I understand that you are affected by what's going on, but the only option you have if she doesn't take your piece of advice is to decide if you want to be part of it anymore.  

And even if if it turns out that you're right, don't ever say "I told you so".  It's incredibly rude. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I just feel like I too have a say that if I am in a relationship with a psycho ex, than I should have some say as to what is going to be done about that psycho ex in this relationship.  Unless I am wrong, and it's my job to just put up with whatever decisions she makes it about it, and that's my job as a partner?

No, you don't get a say about what she does.  You do however get a say in what you will put up with.   If you don't like her decisions, you're free to leave. 

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks.  I think it's a good idea for her to get a restraining order, and I suggested to her before it was recommended to me on here.  I do appreciate all the advice and I feel like I could use more on it :).

I didn't think I pushed it on her though.  She said she was going to get one this weekend, two days ago, after I told her I feel it's a good idea that she should, and then now today, she was talking about her weekend as if she wasn't going to.  So I asked if she was still going to.  Then she said I was putting too much pressure on her.  I didn't think that was putting too much on her, but to each their own I guess.

As for me having a say what I will put up with, am I as a partner allowed to tell her how much I will put up with advance?  Like can I tell her that if she doesn't get one, and soon, I don't feel it's going to work out?  Or is it not fair of me to that, and I am only allowed to leave, after something worse happens later...

[ironpony]

Or how abou this instead... what if I told her that she were to get the restraining order for me, I will do something for her in return that she wants from me.  Would this be better and more fair of me to approach?

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, ironpony said:

As for me having a say what I will put up with, am I as a partner allowed to tell her how much I will put up with advance?  Like can I tell her that if she doesn't get one, and soon, I don't feel it's going to work out?  Or is it not fair of me to that, and I am only allowed to leave, after something worse happens later...

Yes, you can do the bolded.  It's called an ultimatum.  Some people agree with them and others do not.  On one hand, it gives her the information she needs to make a decision.  On the other hand, you'd better be prepared to go if she doesn't get a restraining order.   

What does her lawyer and police advise her to do?   

 

 

[basil67]

Just now, ironpony said:

Or how abou this instead... what if I told her that she were to get the restraining order for me, I will do something for her in return that she wants from me.  Would this be better and more fair of me to approach?

No, do not do this.  whether or not to get a restraining order is her choice.

[ironpony]

Just now, basil67 said:

Yes, you can do the bolded.  It's called an ultimatum.  Some people agree with them and others do not.  On one hand, it gives her the information she needs to make a decision.  On the other hand, you'd better be prepared to go if she doesn't get a restraining order.   

What does her lawyer and police advise her to do?   

 

 

The lawyer hasn't gotten back to her until today, since the Christmas season and all that.  So still waiting on a meeting there.  The police didn't advise her to do anything, they took her reports and that was it as far as I know.  Change the locks was advice but I think that was it.

[ironpony]

Just now, basil67 said:

No, do not do this.  whether or not to get a restraining order is her choice.

But I don't see why this is so bad.  Why is compromise in a relationship such a bad thing nowadays?

[basil67]

Well then fine. Go do it.  It doesn't matter to us what you choose to do.

 

Edited December 30, 2021 by basil67

[Acacia98]

28 minutes ago, ironpony said:

But I don't see why this is so bad.  Why is compromise in a relationship such a bad thing nowadays?

That doesn't sound like compromise. It sounds more like manipulation, i.e. you want to coax your girlfriend into doing what you want and you won't accept a different opinion or decision from her. If you insist on doing that, then it means you don't respect her boundaries.

You do realize that one of the problems with her ex's treatment of her is that he doesn't respect her boundaries, right? So such actions on your part would eventually add up to emotional abuse and would do more harm to her than good.

Personally, I think it would be far kinder for you to end things with her now than it would be to have all these discussions about "compromise" and whatnot with her, seeing as you are likely to eventually end things with her.

[ironpony]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Well then fine. Go do it.  It doesn't matter to us what you choose to do.

 

I mean I don't have to, it's just that I did it with her once before, and 'making a deal' turned out well, when we both did something for each other.

Another thing is though, is that this crazy ex has been in the picture for quite a while now and I didn't bring it up before when talking about but it's beeing quite a while.  My gf has been going through a lot of stress over it, so I do spend a lot of the time consoling her and wanting to take care of her of course.  But I feel like I am having trouble getting to know the real her, because she has been stressed out and more reserved because of this situation for most of the time when dating her.  I just want to get to know the real her more and see what she is like outside of this crisis mode, unless that will come in time, and I just need to be patient and think more positive perhaps?

[ironpony]

5 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

That doesn't sound like compromise. It sounds more like manipulation, i.e. you want to coax your girlfriend into doing what you want and you won't accept a different opinion or decision from her. If you insist on doing that, then it means you don't respect her boundaries.

You do realize that one of the problems with her ex's treatment of her is that he doesn't respect her boundaries, right? So such actions on your part would eventually add up to emotional abuse and would do more harm to her than good.

Personally, I think it would be far kinder for you to end things with her now than it would be to have all these discussions about "compromise" and whatnot with her, seeing as you are likely to eventually end things with her.

Well I don't want to end things with her, I am just trying to get the ex who is stalking her, out of the picture more.  But us making a deal did work before though and she never told me it was manipulation.  Before for example, I was reluctant to get the covid vaccine and she really wanted me to get it.  She was having problems with her vagina and it hurt down there.  I was concerned and I wanted her to get checked out, but she was scared, of what would be found out if she did, so she kept putting it off.  So I suggested that I will make her a deal.  I will get the vaccine, if she got her thing checked out.

She said okay deal, and we did it... We didn't think of it as manipulation, so is it really manipulation to do that?  I just thought it was better than just completely deciding to throwing out the baby with the bathwater at this point...

Edited December 30, 2021 by ironpony

[basil67]

If it worked before it might work again.  Or she may get mad at you for raising the issue again after she has already made it clear that she doesn't want you reminding her.

It's your decision.

[Calmandfocused]

No you can’t force her to get a restraining order and to be honest I don’t think she will. Going back to my previous points this man still has access to her via text and email. If she’s serious about restricting access to her, she would be doing what she can to protect herself - by blocking him.

I think deep down your gf wants her ex to contact her. To see how far he will go to communicate with her. This relates to the trauma bonding that snow queen refers to. Many women assume that the ex’s relentless pursuit of her demonstrates  “how much they mean” to him, and that he’s “sorry”. However this is incorrect. It’s a manipulation strategy, nothing more. In narcissistic terms it’s called “hoovering” - google it. 

Mum must be talking to your gf about contact that she’s had with the ex? Apart from the contact between mum and ex being completely inappropriate, this surely is an window for your girlfriend to say “he’s not a good man mum” (or something to that effect) even if she doesn’t want to give mum all the details? 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

, I am just trying to get the ex who is stalking her, out of the picture more.

If she didn't want him around or in her life, he wouldn't be coming over at night, twice and in contact with her and beloved by her family.

It's not your job to get involved. It's your job to observe this and all the twists and turns in your or her story and decide if you want this drama.

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she didn't want him around or in her life, he wouldn't be coming over at night, twice and in contact with her and beloved by her family.

It's not your job to get involved. It's your job to observe this and all the twists and turns in your or her story and decide if you want this drama.

Oh okay thanks.  But if he has a key to the place, is it really her fault he came over if she didn't think she would have?  Plus why did she report him to the police twice from those times, if she feels like she wants him to stick around?

The only way the ex has been contacting her now is through snail mail, but could she block him from snail mail if she wanted to?  Plus if the ex chooses to contact her Mom I don't think my gf can control who her Mom chooses to accept messages from, can she?

Edited December 30, 2021 by ironpony

[ironpony]

Is it possible for her to block snail mail or does it not work like that when it comes to snail mail?