Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[Alvi]

19 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh I am not blaming her for me forgetting the job interview, I am just blaming the situation.  I blame the psycho ex and it's very taxing on me.  But the reason why I forgot the interview is because when she calls me and is crying about how he broke into her place, I became hugely concerned for her, and this caused me to forget.  But I blame the ex for all of this.  It's just very taxing on me.  I won't break up, I was just stressed out.

Strongly encourage her to get a restraining order as soon as possible. I don't know how it is done. Go to a police station with her and ask a police officer how that can be done. 

[Alvi]

14 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’m going to play Devil’s advocate here;

Are you 100% confident that your girlfriend is not communicating with this man in any way, shape or form? Is she ignoring/ not responding to any attempts at contact? Has she blocked him everywhere? Is she taking steps to actively stay away from him and avoid provoking him in any way? 
 

If the answer to any of the above questions is No then she might not be as innocent in this as you think. 
 

Ive experienced this a few times and usually they get bored after a while. However if they get the slightest hint that they are getting somewhere with their efforts, they will continue. 

However I agree with the others. Stalking in a criminal offence. She could report him again. The question is why hasn’t she? 

Sure, let's blame the actual victim here. Sure, she must've done something wrong, sure in some way shape or form she must've encouraged his stalkerish behavior. Sure, in some way, shape or form this is her fault. Sure, she sends him hints, vibes, whatever. Let's just blame her for all the craziness that her ex bestowed on her. God forbid if a 21 year old woman is actually too scared, frightened, or maybe ashamed.  Or how can she be not well equipped to deal with a crazy ex and/or is unsure what her options are. She did report him. But what was actually done in this case? Nothing. It's her word against his apparently. 

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, Alvi said:

Sure, let's blame the actual victim here. Sure, she must've done something wrong, sure in some way shape or form she must've encouraged his stalkerish behavior. Sure, in some way, shape or form this is her fault. Sure, she sends him hints, vibes, whatever. Let's just blame her for all the craziness that her ex bestowed on her. God forbid if a 21 year old woman is actually too scared, frightened, or maybe ashamed.  Or how can she be not well equipped to deal with a crazy ex and/or is unsure what her options are. She did report him. But what was actually done in this case? Nothing. It's her word against his apparently. 

It's her word against his.  But what are you saying exactly?

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

IMO it wouldn't be crazy to leave, e.g. if you feel this person is a threat to your safety. Up to you of course.

BEFORE doing that (IF you were to do it), you should get her the support she needs, for example in the form of help going to law enforcement, getting a restraining order, and similar actions, possibly seeing a counselor or other expert on these matters for advice.

Then IMO it's "ok" to leave if you "don't want to deal with this stuff".  Be supportive + certainly none of this is her fault, but ultimately her problems are hers to deal with, just as yours are yours to deal with.

I think I just needed to calm down but I will see how this whole thing goes and not make any plans to leave unless things get worse enough to make me change my mind.

[Alvi]

14 hours ago, ironpony said:

It's her word against his.  But what are you saying exactly?

I was replying to the poster who was suggesting that it was your GF's fault for being stalked. I was being sarcastic. Of course, this is none of her fault and if police can't do much, what other options do you actually have? Like I said before, encourage her to get a restraining order. Look up how to do it or talk to a police officer. Be there for her, offer your moral support. I know, it takes a toll on you but it is also not fun for her to deal with a stalker either. 

[Calmandfocused]

On 12/25/2021 at 12:46 AM, Alvi said:

Please blame her or her crazy ex for your own screw ups. How on earth do you forget an important job interview? That is totally on you. You may choose to end things with her if her situation causes you too much stress but don't blame her for the things that are beyond her control. You not going for a job interview and as a result not getting a well paying job - not her fault. Her ex acting crazy and staling her - not her fault. Also, please understand, that she cannot control her ex or anything that he does. She did report him or so it's sounds. I can only imagine how scary and uncomfortable the whole situation with her ex must be for her.  Do encourage her to look into getting a restraining order as fast as possible or just leave if you think this is too much for you. 

 

I am not blaming anyone Alvi. 
 

However read what the op has written. The ex boyfriend has a key to his girlfriend’s place. He didn’t break in. He let himself in. 
 

So if you were truly terrified of a ex who you knew had a key to your place, you’d do nothing about changing the locks? You’d simply cross your fingers and hope for the best would you? 
 

No! 
 

Under these circumstances you would get the locks changed. You’d be checking your doors and windows every night and ensuring that the psycho ex had no access to you at all. In fact most people would move if the stalking was that serious. 
 

Op, why has she not changed the locks? This is not no contact. If she’s serious about getting the ex out of her life this is the first thing she would be doing. 

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I am not blaming anyone Alvi. 
 

However read what the op has written. The ex boyfriend has a key to his girlfriend’s place. He didn’t break in. He let himself in. 
 

So if you were truly terrified of a ex who you knew had a key to your place, you’d do nothing about changing the locks? You’d simply cross your fingers and hope for the best would you? 
 

No! 
 

Under these circumstances you would get the locks changed. You’d be checking your doors and windows every night and ensuring that the psycho ex had no access to you at all. In fact most people would move if the stalking was that serious. 
 

Op, why has she not changed the locks? This is not no contact. If she’s serious about getting the ex out of her life this is the first thing she would be doing. 

She changed the locks after he let himself in twice the same day. So the lock problem is fixed,but I can tell he's still going to be a problem and not let this go. As for moving, well she and her roommate, have to find a place with just as good of rent first I guess.

Edited December 27, 2021 by ironpony

[Calmandfocused]

6 hours ago, ironpony said:

She changed the locks after he let himself in twice the same day. So the lock problem is fixed,but I can tell he's still going to be a problem and not let this go. As for moving, well she and her roommate, have to find a place with just as good of rent first I guess.

Well that will certainly help the situation op. Good! 
 

However please know that up until this point, this ex still literally had a key to waltz back into her life whenever he felt like it.
 

Another question: you say you’re confident that your gf is not conversing with this man. Has she blocked him on her phone, WhatsApp, email, social media, and any other communication platform? 

[elaine567]

35 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Another question: you say you’re confident that your gf is not conversing with this man. Has she blocked him on her phone, WhatsApp, email, social media, and any other communication platform? 

Like in domestic violence, the victim often tries to appease the stalker.
They do so in the hope they will leave her alone, so I would not be surprised if she is talking to him.
Also blocking him means she is completely in the dark so she cannot gauge or anticipate what he might do next...

Are her parents around? Could they perhaps sort something out with his parents to tell him to stop it?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ironpony said:

 he let himself in twice the same day. 

Why would she move? All she needs to do is get a restraining order. Your story keeps changing from "broke in" to let himself in now it's he was there on one day.

[ironpony]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would she move? All she needs to do is get a restraining order. Your story keeps changing from "broke in" to let himself in now it's he was there on one day.

Oh sorry I don't mean for the story to change.  Perhaps broke in was the wrong term, what I meant was, he entered without permission while she was sleeping.  Both times he did this were in one day, in a span of a few hours.  He did it once, she calls the police, reports it, then he does it again later after they leave.

She said she will attempt get one later this week on her day off.  She also emailed attorneys about it, but they haven't gotten back to her.  Maybe it's because of the Christmas holidays, since she emailed them last week?

[ironpony]

23 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Like in domestic violence, the victim often tries to appease the stalker.
They do so in the hope they will leave her alone, so I would not be surprised if she is talking to him.
Also blocking him means she is completely in the dark so she cannot gauge or anticipate what he might do next...

Are her parents around? Could they perhaps sort something out with his parents to tell him to stop it?

She only did this once, or so she told me as she met up with him once to try to give him closure in order to leave her alone.  But that didn't work.  But as far as I know she only did this one, and does not have him in her phone as far as I know.  What am I suppose to do, if I cannot take her word for it...

Her parents are not helping.  Her Mom in fact, approves of the ex and thinks she is better for him.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

 Her Mom in fact, approves of the ex and thinks she is better for him.

Ok. Perhaps her story is nonsense because of course it makes no sense. You claim he let himself in, then you now claim she called the police,then now you're claiming he came back? And she is emailing lawyers? What for? 

Frankly it seems like she (or you?)  are unclear of what the story is. It sounds like she still wants him let him in in the middle of the night and that her family thinks he's a better fit for her.

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

Her Mom in fact, approves of the ex and thinks she is better for him.

So what does her Mom say about you?
Does she approve at all or is she hostile?

[Snow_Queen]

I agree with elaine and calmandfocused. I think there is more to the story than she may be letting on. My first thought was maybe she had a trauma bond to this guy because there were instances where she could’ve acted fast to end all this but didn’t. The goal is to usually keep any form of contact to the person you’re attached to. 
 

However, you mention her family seems to like him and even prefers him over you. Very different scenario. It sounds like she’s at least on friendly terms with him and telling you a different story. That would explain her lack of a quick response to end the stalking.

[ironpony]

Oh okay thanks.  Well the story makes sense to me and has been consistent with me so if it doesn't make sense the way I explained it, what part is not making sense, so I can explain it better?

[ironpony]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

So what does her Mom say about you?
Does she approve at all or is she hostile?

Her Mom hasn't said anything negative about me at all, it's just that her Mom seems to be on the ex's side, since she gave the ex some tips on what to do to try to get her attention, or so my gf says.  But she is pissed off at her Mom for doing this and is not on good terms with her.

Edited December 28, 2021 by ironpony

[Tg11]

3 hours ago, Snow_Queen said:

I agree with elaine and calmandfocused. I think there is more to the story than she may be letting on. My first thought was maybe she had a trauma bond to this guy because there were instances where she could’ve acted fast to end all this but didn’t. The goal is to usually keep any form of contact to the person you’re attached to. 
 

However, you mention her family seems to like him and even prefers him over you. Very different scenario. It sounds like she’s at least on friendly terms with him and telling you a different story. That would explain her lack of a quick response to end the stalking.

If that is the case, then I would end things with her

[ironpony]

8 hours ago, Tg11 said:

If that is the case, then I would end things with her

Just because she didn't get a restraining order right away?  Well she said she is going to on the weekend, or go to the police and try to so I will see what happens. But if you are saying she ows it to this relationship of ours to get one, and if you think that's the case, I could tell her that she does, as that would probably further motivate her to do it for sure.

Edited December 29, 2021 by ironpony

[Calmandfocused]

15 hours ago, ironpony said:

Her Mom hasn't said anything negative about me at all, it's just that her Mom seems to be on the ex's side, since she gave the ex some tips on what to do to try to get her attention, or so my gf says.  But she is pissed off at her Mom for doing this and is not on good terms with her.

IP, I’m sorry you feel that we’re not understanding you correctly. However, be aware that if something is not making complete sense to you or to others, there is a strong possibility that the reality is somewhat different to what you believe. 
 

Here’s something else that doesn’t make sense; 

I realise that there are many bad parents out there. However for most, the parental instinct to protect their children never leaves them. No matter what the child’s age is, if a parent believes their child is under threat they will act/ respond  accordingly. 
 

When I was being stalked my parents were going out their mind with fear, worry , concern and anger - this is normal, and this is despite the fact that I’m 42 years of age. They would have never encouraged me to get back into a relationship with a man who was threatening me and my children! 
 

If your girlfriend’s mother is encouraging her daughter to get back with a man who threatens her, either there is something wrong with the mother, or the parents understand the truth to be something very different. 
 

just something for you to think about. 
 

 

[ironpony]

Oh okay I see.  Thank you for your input there.  Well my gf was embarrassed to tell her Mom about the abuse, because she felt ashamed of being in an abusive relationship, with an ex who is now threatening her.  Is that normal that the reason why she didn't tell her Mom everything, was that she feels ashamed?

[JRabbit]

well she needs to tell her mom NOW, if this EX is truly stalking her her mom needs to be aware of the danger she is putting her daughter in.

[dramafreezone]

On 12/21/2021 at 1:56 PM, ironpony said:

He broke into her place twice and threatened her so it's stalking I would say.  He just won't leave her alone and I don't mean to come off as insensitive, but again, I have a really hard time dealing with this kind of drama in a relationship, for me psychologically.

Why isn't he in jail?

Based on what you've shared she doesn't seem as put off by this behavior as you are.    I think that's reason enough to find someone else.

Edited December 29, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Snow_Queen]

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay I see.  Thank you for your input there.  Well my gf was embarrassed to tell her Mom about the abuse, because she felt ashamed of being in an abusive relationship, with an ex who is now threatening her.  Is that normal that the reason why she didn't tell her Mom everything, was that she feels ashamed?

Quite often, abusers are very charming to the outside world. Maybe she was afraid no one would believe her? When I found myself in an abusive relationship once, it was shocking to my family because he was so likable. There are still pieces to this story that don’t quite fit that narrative.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 29, 2021 by Snow_Queen

[ironpony]

36 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said:

Quite often, abusers are very charming to the outside world. Maybe she was afraid no one would believe her? When I found myself in an abusive relationship once, it was shocking to my family because he was so likable. There are still pieces to this story that don’t quite fit that narrative.

 

 

 

 

 

The ex is very charming to the outside world from what I can tell.

Also, he's not in jail because what proof do the police have really... He used a key to get into a place where he use to live so any forensic evidence of him bring there won't be enough since he use to live there anyway?

I told my gf before to talk to lawyer about it but lawyers are not available till after their holidays, after new years.  I just hope the ex doesn't try anything else before then.