Author ironpony Posted February 8, 2022 Author Share Posted February 8, 2022 2 hours ago, IrinaM said: If it were me, I wouldn't go. Just my opinion. You need to put yourself first. This woman is still half-in, half-out of this prior relationship. Heck she has a court date with the guy. Personally I won't date someone who is still entangled with someone else in this manner. Even if they are technically broken up, for me, it's just not good enough. I won't invest in someone unless I think they are ready for a relationship with me. I understand you care about her, but if I were in your shoes, I would not risk getting in trouble with my job. Your boss could fire you for being fake-sick, and it's not worth it. Wish her well and tell her to call you after she's done with court and you are done with work, if you feel like talking. But don't feel obliged to be her emotional blankie. These are her problems, not yours. I don't understand though why some think she is not doing a good enough job to get rid of him. She is taking him to court to get a restraining order on him, isn't that a good effort? What should a new by like me, expect of her to try to get rid of him? If not court, what else is there? Is she supposed to kill him, or what are you saying I should expect as far as her efforts should be? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 8, 2022 Share Posted February 8, 2022 You being in the picture is making things worse for her. Him knowing you are dating her, only keeps the rage going/crazy behavior. Clear out until the dust settles..keeps everyone safe. You can poke a stick at this all you want...but all you can do is either put up with it, or remove yourself from it. There's nothing you can do to stop this from happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 8, 2022 Share Posted February 8, 2022 3 hours ago, ironpony said: Well it's all done online because of covid. So she just wants me there for support Ok, let her call you when she's done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 8, 2022 Author Share Posted February 8, 2022 44 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You being in the picture is making things worse for her. Him knowing you are dating her, only keeps the rage going/crazy behavior. Clear out until the dust settles..keeps everyone safe. You can poke a stick at this all you want...but all you can do is either put up with it, or remove yourself from it. There's nothing you can do to stop this from happening. How is me dating her making things worse for her though if she chooses to date me? Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted February 9, 2022 Share Posted February 9, 2022 11 hours ago, ironpony said: I don't understand though why some think she is not doing a good enough job to get rid of him. She is taking him to court to get a restraining order on him, isn't that a good effort? What should a new by like me, expect of her to try to get rid of him? If not court, what else is there? Is she supposed to kill him, or what are you saying I should expect as far as her efforts should be? Let me clarify, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't care if she was making her best effort or not. In fact, if this is her best effort, I would hate to see her worst. If I had a boyfriend who was still embroiled in the past, going to court with a "psycho ex," even if they were doing everything right, I still wouldn't care. It's okay to have standards and decide that somebody just isn't good enough for you. In fact, it's good to have standards. Maybe think of it from an employer's point of it, too. If you were counting on someone to get a job done for you, and they decided to play sick for this reason, how would you view that person? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 9, 2022 Author Share Posted February 9, 2022 That makes sense. I don't have to go then. But are you saying I don't have high enough standards by going for her though? Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted February 9, 2022 Share Posted February 9, 2022 Iron pony you started a thread entitled "should i dump my gf because of a psycho ex?" I think you've gotten a variety of answers, some yes, some no, with different reasoning. But ultimately the decision is up to you, and you seem uncomfortable with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 Well I have decided to wait to see how this court hearing turns out. Depending on how she handles it will determine a good amount of how I feel moving forward with her. If she decides to cave and withdraw the restraining order, than I will be more discouraged in continuing with her for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 17, 2022 Author Share Posted February 17, 2022 (edited) Well I managed to be able to make it to the hearing with her, and she completely caved in the hearing. She said she was not going to fold and be strong and she completely folded. She went into how the guy helped her out in her times of need when she was young and how is this relevant at all... She came in wanting to get a restraining order on a psycho ex/rapist but she folded instead and didn't really re-iterate a lot of the points about the abuse and just went into sob stories about him making him look sympathetic to the court. And another thing, is she keeps referring to him as an idiot, where as I thought maybe he is a mastermind, but she said he felt he would panic and hang himself in court. She seemed pretty confident... but he acted completely innocent and calm the whole time, like mastermind would and she was the one who panicking and breathing hard. She said that she is suffering from trauma and PTSD because of him and I believe her. But she must have known that she was screwing herself out of the restraining order by making him look sympathetic. Another thing is, now that she has lost that, she is much more considering paying him off the money he wanted to get him to leave her alone. She made a promise to herself that she wouldn't before and now she is heavily considering going back on that promise. I feel like telling her that if she pays him off, I don't know if I can be with her, because a partner that doesn't keep their promises and is suspectible to blackmail is not a reiiable partner. But she keeps emphasing to me that now that she has lost, he is going to come after and her only hope is to buy him off. But how do I emphasize to her that a partner that goes back on promises to herself and gives into blackmail is not reliable? The problem is is that she has a self destruction problem in which she just wants to dig herself into a bigger hole all the time. But how do I tell her this? Edited February 17, 2022 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 17, 2022 Share Posted February 17, 2022 17 minutes ago, ironpony said: I feel like telling her that if she pays him off, I don't know if I can be with her, because a partner that doesn't keep their promises and is suspectible to blackmail is not a reiiable partner. But she keeps emphasing to me that now that she has lost, he is going to come after and her only hope is to buy him off. But how do I emphasize to her that a partner that goes back on promises to herself and gives into blackmail is not reliable? The problem is is that she has a self destruction problem in which she just wants to dig herself into a bigger hole all the time. But how do I tell her this? It sounds like you've already made yourself clear, so pushing your view even harder is further is falling into the category of coercion. Let her make her own decision how to deal with him.... and then you make whatever decision for yourself that you deem appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 17, 2022 Author Share Posted February 17, 2022 (edited) Oh well I didn't tell her any of this yet, because I wasn't sure how to bring it up. But she is going to want to know what my views are on this so how should I tell her or bring it up? Edited February 17, 2022 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 17, 2022 Share Posted February 17, 2022 I'm so sorry, I misread your words. Honestly, I think there's a lot worse that could happen in a relationship than a traumatised person paying someone to go away. But if that's your deal breaker, then tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 17, 2022 Author Share Posted February 17, 2022 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: I'm so sorry, I misread your words. Honestly, I think there's a lot worse that could happen in a relationship than a traumatised person paying someone to go away. But if that's your deal breaker, then tell her. Oh no problem, thanks. I can tell her but how do I tell with without freaking her out more... She is already suffering from PTSD from this guy so if I tell her this, I don't want to cause more anxiety for her, but how do I tell without causing it? Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted February 17, 2022 Share Posted February 17, 2022 i'm curious, under what pretenses did this man demand money from her? does he say she borrowed money at one point? what is his rationale? also, what was the outcome of the hearing? was she granted a restraining order or not? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 17, 2022 Share Posted February 17, 2022 3 minutes ago, ironpony said: Oh no problem, thanks. I can tell her but how do I tell with without freaking her out more... She is already suffering from PTSD from this guy so if I tell her this, I don't want to cause more anxiety for her, but how do I tell without causing it? If she wants to stay with you, there is no way for you to avoid causing her anxiety. She'll be torn between needing to get rid of him vs losing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 17, 2022 Author Share Posted February 17, 2022 4 minutes ago, IrinaM said: i'm curious, under what pretenses did this man demand money from her? does he say she borrowed money at one point? what is his rationale? also, what was the outcome of the hearing? was she granted a restraining order or not? She was not granted it. In their relationship she was doing well financially and needed money. He kept offering and pestering to her that he would give it to her and she kept repeatingly saying no, but he kept refusing to take no for an answer, untils he finally caved and took it and then he used that to hold over her head, in order to have power over her in the relationship afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 17, 2022 Author Share Posted February 17, 2022 (edited) 7 minutes ago, basil67 said: If she wants to stay with you, there is no way for you to avoid causing her anxiety. She'll be torn between needing to get rid of him vs losing you. Oh... But if that's the case, then how do I bring this up to her in the best way then? Edited February 17, 2022 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 17, 2022 Share Posted February 17, 2022 55 minutes ago, ironpony said: I can tell her but how do I tell with without freaking her out more. You have to stop trying to manage her emotions for her. You cannot control her reaction. Tell her that if she pays him off, you will not be able to continue the relationship. Let her freak out. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 17, 2022 Share Posted February 17, 2022 2 hours ago, ironpony said: Oh... But if that's the case, then how do I bring this up to her in the best way then? Like I said, there is no good way to deliver an ultimatum Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 17, 2022 Share Posted February 17, 2022 2 hours ago, ironpony said: She was not granted it. Stay out of her business with regard to her other BF. Focus on being a better BF than he was. Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted February 17, 2022 Share Posted February 17, 2022 Quote In their relationship she was doing well financially and needed money. He kept offering and pestering to her that he would give it to her and she kept repeatingly saying no, but he kept refusing to take no for an answer, untils he finally caved and took it and then he used that to hold over her head, in order to have power over her in the relationship afterwards. can you clarify this? She was doing well financially, but also needed money, but refused to accept money, but he forced money on her? I'm not trying to be rude but I'm confused by your answer. There's so much editorializing about what a POS this guy is. But I'm just asking about the nature of this demand for payment. Is her ex-boyfriend, in fact, demanding to be repaid money he loaned to her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 17, 2022 Author Share Posted February 17, 2022 4 hours ago, IrinaM said: can you clarify this? She was doing well financially, but also needed money, but refused to accept money, but he forced money on her? I'm not trying to be rude but I'm confused by your answer. There's so much editorializing about what a POS this guy is. But I'm just asking about the nature of this demand for payment. Is her ex-boyfriend, in fact, demanding to be repaid money he loaned to her? I don't know if it was alone but he kept insisting that she take it in her time of need. Sorry I meant to say she wasn't doing well financially the time.he forced the money on her by kept refusing to take no for an answer on giving it to her until she finally caved and said yes to get him to shut up about it. then she said he was able to use that to have a lot of control in the relationship after. But now that she broke up with him he wants it back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 17, 2022 Author Share Posted February 17, 2022 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Stay out of her business with regard to her other BF. Focus on being a better BF than he was. but should I allow an ex-boyfriend to control what my girlfriend does and just sit back and take it? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 17, 2022 Share Posted February 17, 2022 1 hour ago, ironpony said: But now that she broke up with him he wants it back. She willingly took the money. He has the right to collect a debt. She's dramatizing these stories too much. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted February 17, 2022 Author Share Posted February 17, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: She willingly took the money. He has the right to collect a debt. She's dramatizing these stories too much. But there are two key points in this though. He's asking for more money than he lent she says and also, does an abusive rapist deserve to be paid back? And he forced her to take the money because he wouldn't take no for an answer. Isn't it justifiable for her not to pay it back as a consequence for the rape? If someone commits rape why can't that be seen as a forfeit to getting closure? Why do we have be sensitive and sympathetic to a rapist sociopath? Edited February 17, 2022 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
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