Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[ASG]

On 1/16/2022 at 7:46 PM, ironpony said:

I have it's just I live with people and I do not want them possibly overhearing what I am talking about though.

You have your own room, yes? 

People don't just overhear things behind closed doors, unless they specifically set out to. 

So that's not a good enough excuse. 

Go for it.

Also, it doesn't seem like she's serious about paying him at all

Maybe a reaction to receiving another letter from him.

But also, snail mail letters are pretty inoucuous as threats go! 

[ironpony]

2 minutes ago, ASG said:

You have your own room, yes? 

People don't just overhear things behind closed doors, unless they specifically set out to. 

So that's not a good enough excuse. 

Go for it.

Also, it doesn't seem like she's serious about paying him at all

Maybe a reaction to receiving another letter from him.

But also, snail mail letters are pretty inoucuous as threats go! 

Oh ok.  Well I still haven't found a therapist that works in the evenings as they are all daytime hours still.  I can try to make arrangements with my job.

Edited January 17, 2022 by ironpony

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, ironpony said:

Oh ok.  Well I still haven't found a therapist that works in the evenings as they are all daytime hours still.  I can try to make arrangements with my job.

How do you go to doctor and dentist appointments? You need to get a referral though social services for an appropriate case worker and social worker.

Talk therapy isn't appropriate unless there's enough insight and motivation to facilitate changes in self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. It's not for everyone.

Talk to your doctor and social worker. 

But most of all let your GF handle things and stop giving her advice. Manage your anxiety and obsessions through your social worker, psychiatrist and neurologist who treat your ASD.

[ironpony]

Oh well the dentist and Doctor are only once in a while compared to therapy which would be once a week I assume or something like that which work would have more of a problem with. What obsessions and anxiety do I have that you are referring to?

[Alpacalia]

On 1/17/2022 at 2:17 PM, ironpony said:

Oh ok.  Well I still haven't found a therapist that works in the evenings as they are all daytime hours still.  I can try to make arrangements with my job.

How about on your lunch-break?

There's also something I think called "accommodations for therapy" through work that might be worth checking into.

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

How about on your lunch-break?

There's also something I think called "accommodations for therapy" through work that might be worth checking into.

My lunchbreak is only half an hour though, where as the sessions are an hour normally.  I can ask if they would do half hour sessions, with a couple of minutes shaved off so I can get to my car, but would they normally?

[ironpony]

Another thing that concerns me, is my gf always refers to her ex as an idiot and thinks he's dumb.  However, he has been able to get away with what he has so far, legal wise.  The police went to question him and he was able to beat it without doing anything to incriminate himself in her accusations.  He has also managed to get my gf ex's Mom on his side, and able to sell her ahd the police his hypomania sob stories.

So is this a guy an idiot, or could he be a mastermind?  But if he is a mastermind, that would suggest that he is in control of himself and the situation, and thus not hypmanic if he is in control?  Is this something to think about?

Edited January 20, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

He's neither an idiot or a mastermind.   Your girlfriend is just mouthing off.   Meanwhile, I'm not aware of anything he's done which is remotely in the realms of criminal mastermind. 

[ironpony]

He just seems to be able to sell to everyone that he is this good guy who has no clue what is going on...

[basil67]

This relationship really doesn't seem to be meeting your needs.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

My lunchbreak is only half an hour though, where as the sessions are an hour normally.  I can ask if they would do half hour sessions, with a couple of minutes shaved off so I can get to my car, but would they normally?

It's possible.

However, they may still charge for the full session.

Give it a shot if you think it's worth it for you and with everything else that is going on.

Being with a girlfriend who has a problematic ex can be difficult.

Edited January 20, 2022 by Alpaca

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

He just seems to be able to sell to everyone that he is this good guy who has no clue what is going on...

So?

That isn't your problem. The problem is whether you trust that your girlfriend is over him or not. 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

This relationship really doesn't seem to be meeting your needs.

I agree with basil67's sentiments, OP. And setting aside your specific needs as an individual for a moment, I think this is way too much for a couple in a relationship this young to have to deal with. You are supposed to be getting to know each other and figuring out if you are truly compatible. This issue with the ex has completely skewed things. 

[ironpony]

38 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So?

That isn't your problem. The problem is whether you trust that your girlfriend is over him or not. 

Well it's just that he seems like a reasonbly good manipulator and I don't want her to be manipulated into giving him the money or giving im.  I think she is over him, she is just afraid of him and that fear can cause her to be more manipulate-able.

[ironpony]

23 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I agree with basil67's sentiments, OP. And setting aside your specific needs as an individual for a moment, I think this is way too much for a couple in a relationship this young to have to deal with. You are supposed to be getting to know each other and figuring out if you are truly compatible. This issue with the ex has completely skewed things. 

Well I did tell in a conversation that I fee like I haven't gotten to know the real her, and that I feel like getting to know the real her, what she is like outside of this situation, is what I need for this relationship.  But she got really upset when I told her this and got defensive, saying it's not her fault she has a psycho ex after.  Does she have a point there, and maybe I am putting too much on her when I say I want to get to know the real her?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

 hypomania sob stories.

Are you sure your GFs stories are accurate? They make no sense.

He is not conning anyone when she's the one who gave him a key, and keeps communication with him.

[ExpatInItaly]

This thread is just going in circles.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well I did tell in a conversation that I fee like I haven't gotten to know the real her, and that I feel like getting to know the real her, what she is like outside of this situation, is what I need for this relationship.  But she got really upset when I told her this and got defensive, saying it's not her fault she has a psycho ex after.  Does she have a point there, and maybe I am putting too much on her when I say I want to get to know the real her?

What do YOU think?

[ironpony]

I think she is generally terrified.  Sorry for not responding on this for a while, the situation stressed me out and I had to get away from it somewhat and just concentrate on other things in the relationship.  Well there has been a new development on a straining order hearing the judge has agreed to hear the case.  She wanted me to come with her for support, as she feels that the ex might twist the situation to his advantage and is scared me will, like he has done before, with the authorities.

But I cannot be with her on that court date, which is next week real soon, because I work on that day.  I could try to fake a sick day if I have it, it's just me my gf work together, and she used having to go to court as a reason to obligate them to give her the day off.  So if I were to fake a sick day, I think they will know I am just doing to possibly go to court with her.  I feel like I should be worth like like she wants me to be since she says she is scared of him and scared he will make her succumb to dropping it, out of fear...

But at the same time, my work will not let me go with her, and will see any excuse for what it is I think.  What do you think on how to handle that?  Thank you for any input on this!  I really appreciate it!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

  my work will not let me go with her.

You should not appear in court at all. Only people involved such as landlords, roommates, police officers, other witness, etc should be there.

 

Edited February 8, 2022 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

@Wiseman2 raises a good point.  You won't be sitting next to her, so what role does she see you having?

 

[IrinaM]

If it were me, I wouldn't go.

Just my opinion. You need to put yourself first.

This woman is still half-in, half-out of this prior relationship. Heck she has a court date with the guy. Personally I won't date someone who is still entangled with someone else in this manner. Even if they are technically broken up, for me, it's just not good enough. I won't invest in someone unless I think they are ready for a relationship with me. I understand you care about her, but if I were in your shoes, I would not risk getting in trouble with my job. Your boss could fire you for being fake-sick, and it's not worth it. Wish her well and tell her to call you after she's done with court and you are done with work, if you feel like talking. But don't feel obliged to be her emotional blankie. These are her problems, not yours.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t think you should attend the hearing. Let her go with her lawyer. 

There is no reason you need to actually be in the courtroom and your job will piece it together pretty quickly if they know why she’s taking a day off and suddenly you’re “sick” on the same day. It’s not a good idea. 

[ironpony]

59 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don’t think you should attend the hearing. Let her go with her lawyer. 

There is no reason you need to actually be in the courtroom and your job will piece it together pretty quickly if they know why she’s taking a day off and suddenly you’re “sick” on the same day. It’s not a good idea. 

She doesn't have a lawyer for it.  She is going in herself.  Even the lowest priced attorneys are still quite pricey.

[ironpony]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You should not appear in court at all. Only people involved such as landlords, roommates, police officers, other witness, etc should be there.

 

Well it's all done online because of covid.  So she just wants me there for support, but it's not like I would be in an actual room.