Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I guess the time he came into her apartment, which would be a threat, but that was the last time, it was an actual threat I guess.

And when was that?

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I guess the time he came into her apartment, which would be a threat, but that was the last time, it was an actual threat I guess.

He had a key and it happened weeks or months ago.  He's gone now, there is no threat, no danger. 

It's time for her to get over it, get over him, stop obsessing, stop talking about it with you, her current boyfriend, it's disrespectful to you and your relationship.

She has a therapist, she should continue talking to him/her.

I'm beginning to think this obsession with him and fearing for her life is some weird manifestation because he IS gone and she is mourning the loss of him.

When he was "stalking" her or whatever she perceived he was doing, it enabled her to stay connected to him.  

Now that he's gone and leaving her alone, the connection is broken and she's mourning the loss through fear and obsession.

Just my take. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Yeah I know it's shocking basil, and I could be projecting because I experienced it myself a couple of times actually.

My ex stalked me for awhile after we broke up which scared the **** out of me BUT it allowed me to stay connected to him and him to me. 

When he stopped, while relieved I also felt sad and hurt!  It was pretty twisted but that's how I felt. 

I did not start mourning his loss until he stopped stalking me and had obviously moved on, as weird as that sounds. 

So that is where my opinion comes from and I could very well be wrong, but I could be right too because from what I've read, it's not uncommon to feel that way. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[ironpony]

Well her ex still wants that money though, and has sent another letter in the mail asking for it.  So there is that, and I don't think it's going to stop with him but just my take on it.

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah I know it's shocking basil, and I could be projecting because I experienced it myself a couple of times actually.

My ex stalked me for awhile after we broke up which scared the **** out of me BUT it allowed me to stay connected to him and him to me. 

When he stopped, while relieved I also felt sad and hurt!  It was pretty twisted but that's how I felt. 

I did not start mourning his loss until he stopped stalking me and had obviously moved on, as weird as that sounds. 

So that is where my opinion comes from and I could very well be wrong, but I could be right too because from what I've read, it's not uncommon to feel that way. 

This isn't what shocks me.  It's you advising a rape victim with PTSD to "get over it'.   

 

 

[ironpony]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This isn't what shocks me.  It's you advising a rape victim with PTSD to "get over it'.   

 

 

I don't want to tell her to get over it at all.  It's just that it was said on here before, that she is in love with him and is not telling me..  So if that's the truth, I was just thinking of telling her to get over it, if she really wants to go back to him.  Obviously I do not want to say this to her, I was just trying to make a point, that I felt that some of the points on here, are not making a big enough deal about the rape, when some on here are saying let her go back to a rapist if that is what she wishes.  But I wouldn't ever tell that to a rape victim ever.  It's just I was making a sarcastic remark to some of the points on here saying she wants to go back to him, which suggests to me, that the rape is not being taken seriously enough, if the answer is for her to go back to him, and therefore getting over it, if she does.

Edited January 16, 2022 by ironpony

[poppyfields]

Just now, basil67 said:

This isn't what shocks me.  It's you advising a rape victim with PTSD to "get over it'.   

 

 

I wasn't referring to the rape, in fact I was unaware that he raped her, my bad.  Apologies for missing that. 

I was talking about him (her ex) their relationship. Him stalking her, threatening her.  Which isn't happening anymore, except for some letters in the mail which given the man had committed a crime against her, she should be giving to the police. 

But the rape, that's something much more serious, and she should continue speaking with her therapist about it. 

 

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I don't want to tell her to get over it at all. 

To clarify I was not advising you to tell her to get over it. I dont think you should be telling her anything.  

I thought it was time for her to get over it on her own but that was before I read that he had sexually assaulted her. 

Anyway, I'm gonna leave you to it IP and wish you all the best. 

[Brian1223]

Is this thread actually achieving anything? 11 pages deep and it seems to be going around in circles. 

[basil67]

@ironpony This type of confusion is exactly why I'm advising you to stop asking other people what's going on in your girlfriend's head.   None of us know what she's thinking.  Details get lost in such lengthy threads.  We haven't been in therapy with her.

Bad advice (and I'm not discounting the idea that I've given bad advice) is worse than no advice.  This thread is currently doing more harm than good.  You need to learn to trust yourself 

Edited January 16, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

If you still want to have this relationship work, you have to stop interfering in her recovery or how she handles certain things. She suffers from PTSD. Be supportive of PTSD survivors while avoiding interfering with her recovery in an overly intrusive manner.

Let the authorities deal with her ex. Let her therapist deal with her.

That’s their job.

Those are the only things you need to do.

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, Alpaca said:

If you still want to have this relationship work, you have to stop interfering in her recovery or how she handles certain things. She suffers from PTSD. Be supportive of PTSD survivors while avoiding interfering with her recovery in an overly intrusive manner.

Let the authorities deal with her ex. Let her therapist deal with her.

That’s their job.

Those are the only things you need to do.

Well the authorities are powerless on this and have their hands tied, so to speak.  But if she gives him the money, then I feel she is just making herself a victim to him again, by doing so, and I don't like her making herself a victim.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Well the authorities are powerless on this and have their hands tied, so to speak.  But if she gives him the money, then I feel she is just making herself a victim to him again, by doing so, and I don't like her making herself a victim.

You may not like it, but ultimately, it's her choice.   Stop interfering in her decisions.

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

Okay but it was said before that I am allowed to establish boundaries.  How do I do this without being controlling though?  How do I say that something is not going to be okay with the relationship, if she chooses to do so, and establish a boundary, without being controlling?

Edited January 16, 2022 by ironpony

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

Well the authorities are powerless on this and have their hands tied, so to speak.  

There are lots of great resources in Canada for victims of stalking:
https://www2.gov.bc.ca/assets/gov/law-crime-and-justice/criminal-justice/bc-criminal-justice-system/if-victim/publications/hsh-english-stalking.pdf

For instance, Victim Services can refer her to certain programs and services:
https://www.victimsfirst.gc.ca/serv/vsc-svc.html

Crisis Lines can help her with crisis intervention and refer her to helpful services.

Plus, her therapist should be working with her to offer her support and guidance on this as well.

And, there are Victim Service Workers that can advocate for her.

I'm not sure where in Canada you are but the above is to just give you an idea.

 

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Alpaca

[ironpony]

Okay thank you very much!  I will send her these.  Thanks.

[basil67]

49 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Okay but it was said before that I am allowed to establish boundaries.  How do I do this without being controlling though?  How do I say that something is not going to be okay with the relationship, if she chooses to do so, and establish a boundary, without being controlling?

So when's the last time she seriously talked about paying him? 

[ExpatInItaly]

Ironpony, you talk a lot about what her therapist tells her. 

But have you found your own therapist yet? You could really use a professional sounding board with someone who can get to know in person and is trained and qualified in guiding people in these situations. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, ironpony said:

 any outside opinions can help, 

Oh ok but   then let her get her own outside opinions. Try not to micromanage her or her ex. It's her call, not yours.

[ironpony]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

So when's the last time she seriously talked about paying him? 

About a week ago 

[ironpony]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ironpony, you talk a lot about what her therapist tells her. 

But have you found your own therapist yet? You could really use a professional sounding board with someone who can get to know in person and is trained and qualified in guiding people in these situations. 

I haven't found my area because it's really tricky with my work hours. I haven't found a clinic that is open in the evenings. There is one but you have to be put on a waiting list which I'm still waiting for.

[ironpony]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Oh ok but   then let her get her own outside opinions. Try not to micromanage her or her ex. It's her call, not yours.

But she keeps asking me for my opinions and what she I should do.so I was just trying to help her out in that sense and she kept asking.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, ironpony said:

I haven't found my area because it's really tricky with my work hours. I haven't found a clinic that is open in the evenings. There is one but you have to be put on a waiting list which I'm still waiting for.

Have you considered online sessions? 

They are everywhere now, and offer a lot more flexibility. 

[ironpony]

I have it's just I live with people and I do not want them possibly overhearing what I am talking about though.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

About a week ago 

Then it sounds like she's not seriously considering paying him.   

4 hours ago, ironpony said:

But she keeps asking me for my opinions and what she I should do.so I was just trying to help her out in that sense and she kept asking.

I think she needs to learn to start making her own decisions and stop leaning on you for advice, especially when you don't know the answers either.   Thing is, if you don't know the best way forward, it's OK to say that you don't know the answer.