Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[ironpony]

Yes, sorry, I was going by Poppyfields saying she was still in love with him and still obessing over him.

Edited January 15, 2022 by ironpony

[elaine567]

What reason did the court give to refuse the Restraining order?
Did they know about the rape, her PTSD and how scared she is of him?

Unfortunately, stalking is a  crime many women find is ignored or minimised by authorities.
She needs to find a good therapist/psychiatrist, who will write a report to back up her case.
 

[basil67]

Just now, ironpony said:

Yes, sorry, I was going by Poppyfields saying she was still in love with him and still obessing over him.

What do YOU think?  

[ironpony]

The court said they couldn't give it to her because she was not in imminent danger.  I don't know how much she told them but she told them about how he came into her house with a key before she changed the locks, and she showed them the police reports.

I don't know what else she told them beyond that.  I suggested to her that she could try going back to the court to try to get one, perhaps when there is a different person working there. I could go with her if that's better, and she said she feels they may do a better job if there was a man there with her, but those were her words and not mine.

But my gf was diagnosed with PTSD from him from her therapist, and therapists advice is also to stay away from him rather than tell her she is in love and to go back.

Edited January 15, 2022 by ironpony

[ironpony]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What do YOU think?  

I don't think so, but I have misjudged situations before.  My gfs therapist also didnt tell her anything about her being in love with him still, or at least not that she told me.

Edited January 15, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

I don't think so, but I have misjudged situations before.

We have all misjudged situations before.   It's normal to misjudge situations.  But that shouldn't stop us from learning to trust ourselves.

But at some stage, you need to learn to make decisions for yourself based on the evidence placed in front of you.   Could you make a mistake?  Sure.  But going in circles with all the conflicting information you receive isn't helping you at all.

[elaine567]

How abusive was her father?
Emotionally? Physically?
Was it a clash of personalities?
Teenage trouble. Independence vs parental control or was there more to it?

Edited January 15, 2022 by elaine567

[ironpony]

Just now, elaine567 said:

How abusive was her father?
Emotionally? Physically?
Was it a clash of personalities?
Teenage trouble. Independence vs parental control or was there more to it?

 

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

We have all misjudged situations before.   It's normal to misjudge situations.  But that shouldn't stop us from learning to trust ourselves.

But at some stage, you need to learn to make decisions for yourself based on the evidence placed in front of you.   Could you make a mistake?  Sure.  But going in circles with all the conflicting information you receive isn't helping you at all.

That's true, I just don't want to make it sound like I am not accepting of all the advice given here.  My brain tells me that she really has PTSD and is in fear of her life and has no desire to go back to this guy.

[basil67]

For what it's worth, when my sister was in fear of her ex, she wasn't in love with him.   She did however get herself a big freaking guard dog.

A beautiful German Shepherd, who failed police training because he couldn't sniff drugs.  That dog had good instincts and protected her without her even having to ask.  

Edited January 15, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

How abusive was her father?
Emotionally? Physically?
Was it a clash of personalities?
Teenage trouble. Independence vs parental control or was there more to it?

She said he molested her from time to time and was also psychologically abusive as well, wanting her to be a certain way, and giving her a really hard time of not, etc.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, ironpony said:

 

That's true, I just don't want to make it sound like I am not accepting of all the advice given here.  My brain tells me that she really has PTSD and is in fear of her life and has no desire to go back to this guy.

So trust yourself.

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Basil, I was the one who said she is still in love with him and I still believe that.  I don't think she necessarily wants to return to him but she still carries strong feelings.  

I don't have time to post why I believe that right now but will later when I have time. 

Nah, that's OK.  I'm not open to the idea that PTSD + fear = love.  

Edited January 15, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

@ironpony Who diagnosed her with PTSD?

[ironpony]

Well another thing is, she wants me to go with her to court try again and wants me to do some of the talking because she feels they will take a man more seriously, especially me, since she feels I can be authoratitive at times.  But is this a good idea, as I really don't know if it is or not?

[ironpony]

Just now, basil67 said:

@ironpony Who diagnosed her with PTSD?

Her therapist I assume.  She is seeing one and she says she has it so I assumed it was her therapist that told her.

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Nah, that's OK.  I'm not open to the idea that PTSD and fear equates to love.  

I'm not either, that's not why I believe she still loves him, at least on some level. 

But love and hate being closely linked?  Intertwined? Yes I do believe that. 

It doesn't matter what I think though, so will leave IP to figure this out himself. 

Good luck IP. 

Edited January 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, ironpony said:

She said he molested her from time to time and was also psychologically abusive as well, wanting her to be a certain way, and giving her a really hard time of not, etc.

Well that certainly will not be improving her mental health.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

It doesn't matter what I think though, so will leave IP to figure this out himself. 

That's the whole thing - it doesn't matter what any of us think because we're not in her head.  I am hoping @ironpony learns to trust himself and his own decisions, while also accepting that all humans, autistic or not do make mistakes.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Her therapist I assume.  She is seeing one and she says she has it so I assumed it was her therapist that told her.

Good.  I wanted to check that nobody here diagnosed her.

[ironpony]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Good.  I wanted to check that nobody here diagnosed her.

Her therapist also told her to not forget that her ex was hypomania and not everything was his fault.  I am not a psychologist, but if someone abuses and rapes you, I don't think it's a good idea, to tell the victim, well it wasn't all his fault, when I mean people are still responsible for their actions, aren't they?  But as long as therapist is right on this.

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Her therapist also told her to not forget that her ex was hypomania and not everything was his fault.  I am not a psychologist, but if someone abuses and rapes you, I don't think it's a good idea, to tell the victim, well it wasn't all his fault, when I mean people are still responsible for their actions, aren't they?  But as long as therapist is right on this.

The therapist is right.  If someone is manic, they are not able to control their actions.   By the same token, it doesn't mean that their behaviour is acceptable or should be tolerated.

There is nothing wrong with the therapist explaining his behaviour to your girlfriend.

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

The therapist is right.  If someone is manic, they are not able to control their actions.   By the same token, it doesn't mean that their behaviour is acceptable or should be tolerated.

 

Oh okay, it just sounds like the therapist is trying to get her to see her ex as more tolerable, and I am not sure if that is a good thing, if she is in fear of him, but what do I know.

This was also another reason why the restraining order was denied, is that he is manic, and not responsible to a degree.  But it seems that they listed not in imminent danger as much more important.

Edited January 15, 2022 by ironpony

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Her therapist also told her to not forget that her ex was hypomania and not everything was his fault.  I am not a psychologist, but if someone abuses and rapes you, I don't think it's a good idea, to tell the victim, well it wasn't all his fault, when I mean people are still responsible for their actions, aren't they?  But as long as therapist is right on this.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hypomania-and-mania/about-hypomania-and-mania/#hypomania -
it is  a mental health problem so no not his fault for being ill.
It really depends how aware of his actions he really was, as to how responsible he was for raping your gf.

 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Oh okay, it just sounds like the therapist is trying to get her to see her ex as more tolerable, and I am not sure if that is a good thing, if she is in fear of him, but what do I know.

This was also another reason why the restraining order was denied, is that he is manic, and not responsible to a degree.  But it seems that they listed not in imminent danger as much more important.

Yes.  A restraining order is only granted if the person is deemed to be in imminent danger.  When's the last time he threatened her?

Edited January 16, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

44 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes.  A restraining order is only granted if the person is deemed to be in imminent danger.  When's the last time he threatened her?

I guess the time he came into her apartment, which would be a threat, but that was the last time, it was an actual threat I guess.