deepthinking Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 (edited) There are tactful men who purposely put down other women. Seems he has not read the memo yet.OR likes you to feel bad. Edited December 22, 2021 by deepthinking 2
glows Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 5 hours ago, divegrl said: Thank you for your replies. The whole experience has really messed with my head. I definitely do not want to feel like this again. I want peace and calm and safety in relationships. I need to let everything calm down, even more and see journal and see how I feel. When I was asking the questions, I knew whatever the answer was would not make me feel good, but I asked them anyways. Right, was this a sign of insecurity, a lack of empathy, or just a pure hard line that I know I should not cross. I want to keep the focus on us now. Which it generally is… except for these couple of conversations. Which have every time sent me into a tailspin. I want him to feel like he can tell me anything, but at the same time I want to protect my own emotional and mental health. Thank you so much for your replies! Discretion is both an art and a skill. You both may strive for that comfort level but it doesn’t mean it should be abused. What’s odd to me is that he asked you for a recap of your relationship history that evening. I mean, out of all the lovely things to do as a couple, he picked this as the highlight of the evening. Was it useful for him in some particular way or was he asking just because he feels he has a right to asking you any time he wants a replay? You asked him also about his past and it became an evening of both your pasts. Unless there was any real purpose behind any of this, I stand by my original point - it’s a complete and utter waste of air, time and life. After all this knowledge and sharing has anything he’s said offered you any additional insight into who or what he is as a man? Did you learn anything that you don’t already know? I ask in a sincere attempt to take you down a little from that anxious place. Was any of this info helpful to you? If the answer is no, thanks but no thanks should be your answer the next time he feels he is on the cusp of indulging you. 2
Wiseman2 Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 If you don't feel comfortable answering probing questions, just give a cursory response. You also don't have to ask him about anything. Agree that talking about exes doesn't make anyone closer. It's living in the past. It's odd he wants to talk about his exes this much, no? Try to sidestep these inquiries by saying "let's talk about us and our future". 1
bene Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 This looks like you created your own problem. Why bring up the topic of exes if you can’t handle it? I believe that exes should only be mentioned in practical terms like “I lived together with X for n years”. There is no need to discuss emotional aspects of past relationships with your current partner. You don’t need mental images of you partner going on holidays or having sex with someone else. It’s just useless to invest your mental energy to the past. 4
Author divegrl Posted December 22, 2021 Author Posted December 22, 2021 Good morning all, So after some self reflection. My boyfriend was trying to build intimacy and closeness and he did that by trying to ask questions about past relationships. I *think* I was mirroring him by asking him questions about his relationships. We were both being open and honest and vulnerable. But do this by talking about exes is not healthy (well at least for me.) I remember going to therapy for one of my last relationships. And there was a set of questions we focused on that were meaningful and meant to increase emotional connection. Where do you see yourself in 5 years. What are you biggest dreams. What are the best qualities you see in yourself. What keeps you awake at night. ( I am just remembering these… I need to go back and look!) Hindsight I should have redirected the conversation to the above questions to feel more connection, as that is what he was trying to feel from me ( his words). He wants to be able to communicate about everything, but I am putting in my own boundaries. Practicing this, and seeing how it goes. How I feel. 2
Author divegrl Posted December 22, 2021 Author Posted December 22, 2021 16 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: You never ask for sexual details and I hope you didn't. So I'm confused about what freaked you out. I wonder if you have some insecurity going on. Whenever I have found myself obsessing about a lover's past, it meant one thing. It meant I did not feel fully treasured by that lover. I've dated people with extensive pasts who just by the way they treated me calmed my nerves. On the other side, I once got jealous about a woman's past and took me a minute to figure out that really I didn't like her much. The reason I got jealous was because I knew there was something missing from our relationship. Re-reading this i agree. I think are emotional connection has gone down about, leading me to feel a bit jealous and threatened and obsessive. Your right, I think the key is for me to figure out what is missing in our relationship, the closeness and vulnerability. Thank you so much for your insight and response! 1
Gaeta Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 19 hours ago, divegrl said: Finally after we both cooled down, I told him that was a boundary for me. That I don’t want to talk about exes. He says he feels he should be able to ask and talk about anything and I should not flip out. (I don’t know how he is able to do this.) So I told him I will have my own personal boundary of not asking about exes. He again said we should not be scared to ask or tell each other anything. But I told him I cannot deal with it. I don't like this man. He has no respect or consideration for your feelings, he's only centered to what he wants. He's a Mr. Know It All isn't he! If the man I love tells me he's uncomfortable hearing me talk about men I've been with, I would NEVER EVER impose on him to listen to me anyway, I would not want him to experience something uncomfortable, I would not 'on purpose' make him uncomfortable because it pleases me to talk about those topics and I like playing shrink and want him to play along. That's what this man is doing to you. 3 1
Blind-Sided Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 (edited) 19 hours ago, divegrl said: 1) So then I ask him about his relationships. This was a huge horrible bad mistake, that I have made before. 2) I then, very gracefully began to flip out. We argued all morning about it. 3) Advice please? Thank you for listening! Just look at the numbers..... this is 100% on you. If you know that you can't handle it... then why did you ask??????? My advice is.... you know your boundary... you should have not asked, and there wouldn't have been an "Almost" break up. I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's just saying the truth. OK... sure... if you tell him your don't want to talk about it... and he pushes... then that put's it on him. But you didn't communicate that to him until after the blow out. With that said... I do run into this with my own GF. But in my case... I have young kids, and my exW is still part of the story. (So to speak) I have to communicate with her almost daily... but it upsets my GF. But regardless... I'm sorry you had an issue with your BF, and I wish you nothing but happiness. Edited December 22, 2021 by Blind-Sided 2
Gaeta Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 1 minute ago, Blind-Sided said: ... you should have not asked Maybe she did not expect him to give her too much information. I can ask a new boyfriend about his past relationships, I expect he will summarize, I don't expect him to give me all the little details people usually don't want to hear. 2
Blind-Sided Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Maybe she did not expect him to give her too much information. I can ask a new boyfriend about his past relationships, I expect he will summarize, I don't expect him to give me all the little details people usually don't want to hear. Sure... but that's making assumptions. If you can't handle the entire answer... then the question shouldn't be asked. OK... my current GF is a little insecure because of her D and is still young. She thinks all guys will just treat her as a play thing... and because of that... she will make dumb comments, or ask dumb question. (Sarcasm with half truth) So, she will say something like... "You probably only keep me around for the sex." My answer is either be... "Yep"... or "no... I like when you cook for me too." OK... 100% an @ss answer on my part, and she gets upset. But then I tell her... if you are going to ask a stupid question... I'm going to give you the stupid answer. (and then reassure her I like having her in my life) She has gotten better about it, and she knows my humor... but I'm blunt, and hardly ever sugar coat things. SO... if a girl askes me about a past GF... I will tell her. Sure... not what positions she liked... but it's probably going to be more than she wanted to know. The only time I will keep it to a minimum is if it comes up situationally. FOr example... my GF and I were looking at old collage pics of mine, and asked who someone was... I simply said... "An old GF". She didn't ask about her... so I didn't tell her anymore about her. Just my 2 cents... take it for what it's worth. 1
Els Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 I'm of two minds here... on the one hand, I don't like that he can't respect your boundaries. You should be able to have this as a boundary if it's important to you, and he should respect it. On the other hand... you DID contribute to it by asking repeatedly for details about his relationships, as you've realized. I feel that if you expect your partner to respect your boundaries (as you should), you yourself must put in the effort to respect your own boundaries. It's difficult to blame him for what he disclosed, when you yourself was egging him on. You both also definitely need to learn how to disengage and cool off, rather than escalating to this extent. It's a bit much to go from a casual conversation to breaking up all at once, don't you think? 2
smackie9 Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 IMO talking about exes in thorough detail should be left to a BFF's ear, not your partner's. I don't think it's very intimate, more like intimidating. Your BF is thick headed to think this is something that needs to be shared to bring closeness. He's an idiot. Nothing wrong with "ya we were together for 2 years, she cheated on me, it was hard, or we couldn't get along...it ended badly oh well." that's all one really needs to know. Not "Oh I was so in love, Her and I were talking of marriage and we named our kids, it was a wonderful time..then it came to an end and I was so destroyed..I begged her for month, there was noway I could live without her etc" Cut to the chase and just not talk about it anymore. I think you are old enough to know the old saying curiosity killed the cat. So stop asking, and stop him from offering. If you don't stop talking about this stuff, it's going to kill your relationship. If you BF is against this, you are not compatible, and should call it quits. 3
FMW Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 Hearing how someone was so in love with an ex and was crushed when they broke up would make me feel distant from them, not closer. You talk about those things with platonic friends, family or therapists. Not someone you have a romantic/sexual relationship with. I would see someone wanting to go into those kind of details with me as someone who wasn't over his ex and wanting to use me as a therapist. I can't imagine wanting to share those kind of thoughts and feelings about an ex of mine with the person I'm involved with romantically. Yes, we all have to own our own stuff, but I don't subscribe to the idea that you have to always be cool, confident and devoid of jealousy in order to be emotionally healthy. @divegrl don't let him make you feel bad about not being "cool". 4
Lotsgoingon Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 3 hours ago, divegrl said: I think are emotional connection has gone down about, leading me to feel a bit jealous and threatened and obsessive. Your right, I think the key is for me to figure out what is missing in our relationship, the closeness and vulnerability. Sometimes it's more important just to admit to the feeling than to worry about figuring out the reason for the feelings. Just admit the feeling to yourself. That something doesn't feel safe and certainly the way he talked to you didn't feel safe. Stay there for now. Then let yourself go to work in figuring it out if you want to. These days in situations like this, I assume my body-intuition is right even if I can't find a "logical" reason. And I have to say: overwhelmingly my body proves to be right. 2
Trail Blazer Posted December 22, 2021 Posted December 22, 2021 20 hours ago, divegrl said: I agree. I am pretty concerned that he is not at the least bit jealous of my exes. To be fair, I only asked him about his exes, because he was questioning me so much about mine. It felt as a way to deflect his round of questioning. I should have just started talking about our next outing or holiday gifts. He did not freely offer up the information about his exes, I had to ask. He was mostly questioning me about mine and then I asked him about his. In hindsight I should never have asked him anything about his past exes. Thank you for your response! It could be because you're projecting. If his reaction to hearing about specific details regarding your exes doesn't convey as much jealousy as you would feel to hear about is exes, then you feel as though he doesn't love you as much as you love him? It's possible that is the case. It can't be ruled out completely. However, do feel this by default isn't good because it assumes everyone must think and act from the same frame of mind as you. We all know that everyone is different, so it stands to reason that people will react differently on different situations. For mine, when I've been in relationships, never really wanted to know a lot of details about my girlfriends' ex-partners. I do want to know general stuff, but in terms of anything sexual, those details I will pass on. Not because I'd get jealous, but simply because I'm not interested. I know what people in relationships do... I think your boyfriend should respect that fact that you don't want to know all the details. However, it isn't healthy to essentially not acknowledge that you've ever been in a relationship prior and pretend it's you're in junior high and this is your first relationship. At the end of the day your boyfriend is allowed to ask things about your past to understand and get to know you better. Sure, you do not have to share any details, but it definitely looks like you've got something to hide, or are sufferibg from immense trauma, if you don't at least try and meet him somewhere in the middle. Flipping out, getting upset and emotional and fighting all night over something like this is not healthy at all. If you've got it out of your system and you can reach some middle ground from here on in, that will be your only hope to move forward. If you've reached an impasse and he won't budge, then things look bleak. 2
Author divegrl Posted December 23, 2021 Author Posted December 23, 2021 7 hours ago, Elswyth said: I'm of two minds here... on the one hand, I don't like that he can't respect your boundaries. You should be able to have this as a boundary if it's important to you, and he should respect it. On the other hand... you DID contribute to it by asking repeatedly for details about his relationships, as you've realized. I feel that if you expect your partner to respect your boundaries (as you should), you yourself must put in the effort to respect your own boundaries. It's difficult to blame him for what he disclosed, when you yourself was egging him on. You both also definitely need to learn how to disengage and cool off, rather than escalating to this extent. It's a bit much to go from a casual conversation to breaking up all at once, don't you think? Thank you for your response. Yes I feel like we both could have handled ourselves better and both made mistakes the other night. When he asked me a question about my ex, I said no. He pushed and told me he needed to be able to communicate with be about everything. I gave in Then I asked him questions about his exes, which I should never have done. No answer is going to be ok or sit well with me. But for some stupid reason I kept going. It was like, once I started down the path, I could not stop. He tells me that we need to be open and honest about everything and for me not to go crazy. But I cannot do that. I do think I am fine answering questions about my exes now. But I will not being asking about his. If he *freely* gives the information, I will tell him no. ***But also I dont know if he will respect that as he didn’t respect my first no*** Thank you so much for your comment. This helps me!
Author divegrl Posted December 23, 2021 Author Posted December 23, 2021 4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Sometimes it's more important just to admit to the feeling than to worry about figuring out the reason for the feelings. Just admit the feeling to yourself. That something doesn't feel safe and certainly the way he talked to you didn't feel safe. Stay there for now. Then let yourself go to work in figuring it out if you want to. These days in situations like this, I assume my body-intuition is right even if I can't find a "logical" reason. And I have to say: overwhelmingly my body proves to be right. Thank you so much for your posts and they really resonate with me!! Yes, I feel like when he did not respect my first boundary or answer of no… it put me immediately into a feeling of fight or flight or danger. I was no longer present or aware. I had become lost in a cycle of thinking, tense body, rigid jaw. I think one of the deeper issues here is I had completely lost my sense of safety and comfort. Which lead to emotional spirals. I agree, when there is a difference between the mind and the body, the body always rings more true to me. Yet these triggers are how we learn. I have awareness and the choice to show up differently in the next conversation. Thank you so much for your response!! 1
Author divegrl Posted December 23, 2021 Author Posted December 23, 2021 4 hours ago, FMW said: Hearing how someone was so in love with an ex and was crushed when they broke up would make me feel distant from them, not closer. You talk about those things with platonic friends, family or therapists. Not someone you have a romantic/sexual relationship with. I would see someone wanting to go into those kind of details with me as someone who wasn't over his ex and wanting to use me as a therapist. I can't imagine wanting to share those kind of thoughts and feelings about an ex of mine with the person I'm involved with romantically. Yes, we all have to own our own stuff, but I don't subscribe to the idea that you have to always be cool, confident and devoid of jealousy in order to be emotionally healthy. @divegrl don't let him make you feel bad about not being "cool". Thank you for this response. Yeah he definitely did not handle my emotional response well. Saying I was crazy. Well I was acting crazy lol. I do agree, I think he has some really deep emotions that need to be processed. I am not sure if this is related to an ex or not. Thank you for your response! 1
smackie9 Posted December 23, 2021 Posted December 23, 2021 16 hours ago, divegrl said: He tells me that we need to be open and honest about everything Yes everyone expects honesty in a relationship, but everyone also deserves their privacy too. I tell you I would not date someone like this...it would have me wondering what's wrong with him. Why does he need to know so much? What does he get out of it? It really doesn't make sense. I know talking about such stuff can be very hurtful to a partner...why do that? 2
Els Posted December 23, 2021 Posted December 23, 2021 16 hours ago, divegrl said: When he asked me a question about my ex, I said no. He pushed and told me he needed to be able to communicate with be about everything. Yikes. I don't know about you, but this would be an orange flag at the very least for me. "No" is a complete sentence... 4
elaine567 Posted December 23, 2021 Posted December 23, 2021 I have a feeling this guy is not as cool about your exes as he claims to be. Maybe he overshared in the hope you would overshare in return. Pressing you for more and more details may be less because he doesn't really get jealous and more because he is very jealous and needs to know ALL the details... 3
Author divegrl Posted December 23, 2021 Author Posted December 23, 2021 Thank you everyone for all your support and love. This whole experience really triggered me and it is something I do not want to experience again. Such an emotional hangover now. I really appreciate your advice!!! Thank you!!! 1 1
Crazelnut Posted December 24, 2021 Posted December 24, 2021 You two do not seem compatible at all. You seem oversensitive and he seems like an emotional bully. Not a good combo. I suggest a breakup and some more therapy, because getting that upset at the idea of your BF having been in love with an ex is not a normal response. 1
Author divegrl Posted December 24, 2021 Author Posted December 24, 2021 2 hours ago, Crazelnut said: You two do not seem compatible at all. You seem oversensitive and he seems like an emotional bully. Not a good combo. I suggest a breakup and some more therapy, because getting that upset at the idea of your BF having been in love with an ex is not a normal response. Yup thank you!!! Thats what are in real life friends tell us. I am a highly sensitive person/empath and he is pushy and always maintains control over his emotions. We can either come together and balance each other, or grow more separate. Who knows?! Now I have peace and joy, and we will see where things go! *** Also, I do a ton of therapy! I love it!**** Thank you for your advice!
Recommended Posts