Boyfriend and I got into a huge fight over exes

[divegrl]

Boyfriend and I were talking last night. He started, again to ask about my relationship history. This is very uncomfortable to talk about, all the questions. He is able to handle it in a non-judgmental way. 
 

So then I ask him about his relationships. This was a huge horrible bad mistake, that I have made before. It was like Pandora’s box and I couldn’t stop. We end the conversation, go to bed… but I was up all night thinking about everything he said. I cannot handle hearing about his exes or how he loved them or how bad the breakups were. I then, very gracefully began to flip out. We argued all morning about it. 
 

Finally after we both cooled down, I told him that was a boundary for me. That I don’t want to talk about exes. He says he feels he should be able to ask and talk about anything and I should not flip out. (I don’t know how he is able to do this.) 

So I told him I will have my own personal boundary of not asking about exes. He again said we should not be scared to ask or tell each other anything. But I told him I cannot deal with it. 
 

Anyways, close to breaking up with him as we don’t understand each other on this issue. 
 

Advice please? Thank you for listening!

[Ami1uwant]

I’m sorry…but you should be able to talk about anything if you want a real LTR.

 

why did his stories upset you?  What made you upset?   Problrm is usually because people don’t want to reveal the skeletons in the closet.

[FMW]

There was a recent post on LoveShack on that topic, "do you talk about exes" by StreetGal in the Dating section.  You might find it useful to read through those responses.  

Personally, I do not think talking about exes beyond just brief summaries is helpful or wise.  Many people do NOT want that information in their heads, and I'm one of them.  That information tends to replay itself in your head, as you experienced.  Flipping out on him wasn't good, but being bothered by too much information about other women isn't unusual, in my opinion.  

There are ways to share the experiences that made us who we are today without going into detail about specific exes.  No woman wants to hear about how in love her guy was with another woman, and no man wants to hear how incredible her ex was in pleasing her sexually.  I think the flip side of each is also usually true.   

Would he feel the same way about you talking in detail about your sex life with your exes?  Maybe he wouldn't care (although I doubt that), but if so, you're just not well suited for each other in the long run. You need someone who is more thoughtful about your feelings.   

[Ami1uwant]

The problem is, if he shares something personal and you react as negatively as you did you lost his trust in sharing things with you.

[divegrl]

5 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

The problem is, if he shares something personal and you react as negatively as you did you lost his trust in sharing things with you.

Hi! 
 

Your works are exactly like his. He feels that hearing about each other past relationship makes us closer. He feels closer being able to share and have me share. 
 

What makes me upset is hearing how he loved his ex partner. And how hurt he was over the break up. The image of him loving another woman is not something I want in my mind. I can come to this conclusion with just the dates and of a relationship. He feels like he is be honest by sharing these hard feelings. But I honestly don’t want to hear them. I rather he talk to a therapist. 
 

I am fine with hearing all sorts of emotions but not about his exes. 
 

I just want to live in the present and future with him and not go over the past.  Thank you for your reply and perspective. 

[divegrl]

16 minutes ago, FMW said:

There was a recent post on LoveShack on that topic, "do you talk about exes" by StreetGal in the Dating section.  You might find it useful to read through those responses.  

Personally, I do not think talking about exes beyond just brief summaries is helpful or wise.  Many people do NOT want that information in their heads, and I'm one of them.  That information tends to replay itself in your head, as you experienced.  Flipping out on him wasn't good, but being bothered by too much information about other women isn't unusual, in my opinion.  

There are ways to share the experiences that made us who we are today without going into detail about specific exes.  No woman wants to hear about how in love her guy was with another woman, and no man wants to hear how incredible her ex was in pleasing her sexually.  I think the flip side of each is also usually true.   

Would he feel the same way about you talking in detail about your sex life with your exes?  Maybe he wouldn't care (although I doubt that), but if so, you're just not well suited for each other in the long run. You need someone who is more thoughtful about your feelings.   

Thank you for this!  This is exactly how I feel. What he says about his exes just replays in my head and I don’t want that!  I agree, just a brief summary is all I need. 
 

Thank you for pointing me to the other thread, it’s nice to know I am not the only one. 
 

Honestly, he wants to talk and ask more about the emotional side. Maybe that is why it bothers me more. Maybe if I started bringing up detailed sexual activities from my exes he would be more upset. Lol. But he seems very non judgmental and really able to handle anything I have told him. 
 

I think for now I am going to let him ask me questions. But I will not initiate any questions to him. We will see. It drives me crazy how something from the past is causing us trouble. 
 

Thank you so much for your response. 

[Ami1uwant]

12 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Hi! 
 

Your works are exactly like his. He feels that hearing about each other past relationship makes us closer. He feels closer being able to share and have me share. 
 

What makes me upset is hearing how he loved his ex partner. And how hurt he was over the break up. The image of him loving another woman is not something I want in my mind. I can come to this conclusion with just the dates and of a relationship. He feels like he is be honest by sharing these hard feelings. But I honestly don’t want to hear them. I rather he talk to a therapist. 
 

I am fine with hearing all sorts of emotions but not about his exes. 
 

I just want to live in the present and future with him and not go over the past.  Thank you for your reply and perspective. 

if he can talk about it he is over her. If he can’t he likely isn’t. That’s assuming there wasn’t any sort of traumatic experience in it.  
 

the other thing, it’s a part of his life and those experiences shaped him in what he wants now.

The past experiences affect future ones.  It’s better to know about this early than find out about it the hard way when things come up.

 

I can u derstand you having problems from your past and not wanting to talk about it. But he shared this with you and you reacted negatively and not supportive of him.  When does this happen again???  It like does again in something unrelated to his exes and you react similarly.

[divegrl]

13 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

if he can talk about it he is over her. If he can’t he likely isn’t. That’s assuming there wasn’t any sort of traumatic experience in it.  
 

the other thing, it’s a part of his life and those experiences shaped him in what he wants now.

The past experiences affect future ones.  It’s better to know about this early than find out about it the hard way when things come up.

 

I can u derstand you having problems from your past and not wanting to talk about it. But he shared this with you and you reacted negatively and not supportive of him.  When does this happen again???  It like does again in something unrelated to his exes and you react similarly.

Thank you for the first line. I am going to write it down in my journal. He is very much so able to talk about everything in his past… so that’s comforting that it’s a good sign. 
 

Right I get that those experiences shaped him. Ugh…. He did open up a lot. Just why can’t he say he felt empty in 2018… not go into the long drawn out story about his ex and why. 
 

I don’t like to talk about my exes. But that is not what made me upset. It was the detailed talk about his that really upset me. Yes I was not supportive of him. I guess I just feel a bit jealous or threatened, which now sounds a bit childish. 
 

I really do feel like I am supportive of him in other areas. And our communication has really improved and gone well. It was just last nights discussion when he told me how much he loved her that really bothered me. I do want him to feel like he can be honest and share everything with me. ( it’s just the thought of him loving another woman hurts… maybe I need to dig deeper into this.)

Thank you for your response!

[glows]

What a waste of air. OP, if you don't feel comfortable discussing exes or making them the forefront of all your conversations, you're entitled. It's not necessarily the topic at hand but the way your partner appears to push you into doing something you don't want to do.. and then tell you that you are not healthy, not over your exes or any absurd nonsense he wants to come up with in order to manipulate you into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing. 

In future save these kinds of conversations for the morning. If you're sleepless, do something else but don't engage with the source of your frustration. Save that for another time, a better time of day and when you've had some time to cool off and collect your thoughts.

[divegrl]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

What a waste of air. OP, if you don't feel comfortable discussing exes or making them the forefront of all your conversations, you're entitled. It's not necessarily the topic at hand but the way your partner appears to push you into doing something you don't want to do.. and then tell you that you are not healthy, not over your exes or any absurd nonsense he wants to come up with in order to manipulate you into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing. 

In future save these kinds of conversations for the morning. If you're sleepless, do something else but don't engage with the source of your frustration. Save that for another time, a better time of day and when you've had some time to cool off and collect your thoughts.

Thank you for your response. I am obviously very triggered by this, so need to sit with this more. 
 

It’s not him asking me questions about my exes, that causes me to get super upset. It’s when I hear about his. I have a huge boundary now, that I will not be asking him about anything about his exes. 
 

You are not the first person to say he is a bit pushy. So this is something I am aware of. You are right, I should have just moved onto another topic or we should have just gone to sleep. It was not good timing and it was late. 
 

Thank you for your response!

[Lotsgoingon]

You never ask for sexual details and I hope you didn't. So I'm confused about what freaked you out. I wonder if you have some insecurity going on.

Whenever I have found myself obsessing about a lover's past, it meant one thing. It meant I did not feel fully treasured by that lover.  I've dated people with extensive pasts who just by the way they treated me calmed my nerves. On the other side, I once got jealous about a woman's past and took me a minute to figure out that really I didn't like her much. The reason I got jealous was because I knew there was something missing from our relationship. 

 

[glows]

9 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Thank you for your response. I am obviously very triggered by this, so need to sit with this more. 
 

It’s not him asking me questions about my exes, that causes me to get super upset. It’s when I hear about his. I have a huge boundary now, that I will not be asking him about anything about his exes. 
 

You are not the first person to say he is a bit pushy. So this is something I am aware of. You are right, I should have just moved onto another topic or we should have just gone to sleep. It was not good timing and it was late. 
 

Thank you for your response!

Everything in moderation. Perhaps this is also telling you that it's (again) not necessarily the topic but the extent and frequency that these conversations keep coming up. It's inappropriate overall given that your priority together should be focused on one another in your relationship.

Edited December 21, 2021 by glows

[divegrl]

Thank you for your replies. 
 

The whole experience has really messed with my head. I definitely do not want to feel like this again. I want peace and calm and safety in relationships. 
 

I need to let everything calm down, even more and see journal and see how I feel. When I was asking the questions, I knew whatever the answer was would not make me feel good, but I asked them anyways. Right, was this a sign of insecurity, a lack of empathy, or just a pure hard line that I know I should not cross. 
 

I want to keep the focus on us now. Which it generally is… except for these couple of conversations. Which have every time sent me into a tailspin. 
 

I want him to feel like he can tell me anything, but at the same time I want to protect my own emotional and mental health. 
 

Thank you so much for your replies!

[elaine567]

When someone is besotted with another, they tend to want to talk about them to anyone who will listen, even if it is with a romantic partner and it is inappropriate.
I have a feeling he is likely not over his ex/exes and so is regurgitating all the gory details of his relationships to you.
He is using you like a therapist
He is also not upset/jealous about your past as he is maybe not that connected to you.
You do not trigger jealousy or emotion in him when talking about your exes and that is kind of  unusual.
Men tend to get jealous, possessive and territorial about their woman.
Maybe he is just not feeling that deeply about you.
He seems to be pressing you to absorb all his past emotions for other women.
He, I guess needs to get it off his chest and you are the chosen one... but you are not obligated to be his unpaid therapist.
NO woman really wants to hear about past loves and sexual exploits... he is being ridiculous, but if I am right he feels the need to spill and that is probably not healthy for your relationship going forward.

[divegrl]

22 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

When someone is besotted with another, they tend to want to talk about them to anyone who will listen, even if it is with a romantic partner and it is inappropriate.
I have a feeling he is likely not over his ex/exes and so is regurgitating all the gory details of his relationships to you.
He is using you like a therapist
He is also not upset/jealous about your past as he is maybe not that connected to you.
You do not trigger jealousy or emotion in him when talking about your exes and that is kind of  unusual.
Men tend to get jealous, possessive and territorial about their woman.
Maybe he is just not feeling that deeply about you.
He seems to be pressing you to absorb all his past emotions for other women.
He, I guess needs to get it off his chest and you are the chosen one... but you are not obligated to be his unpaid therapist.
NO woman really wants to hear about past loves and sexual exploits... he is being ridiculous, but if I am right he feels the need to spill and that is probably not healthy for your relationship going forward.

I agree. I am pretty concerned that he is not at the least bit jealous of my exes. 
 

To be fair, I only asked him about his exes, because he was questioning me so much about mine. It felt as a way to deflect his round of questioning. I should have just started talking about our next outing or holiday gifts. He did not freely offer up the information about his exes, I had to ask. He was mostly questioning me about mine and then I asked him about his. 
 

In hindsight I should never have asked him anything about his past exes. 
 

Thank you for your response!

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, divegrl said:

. It was the detailed talk about his that really upset me.

You opened the flood gates...

[Girl Fade Away]

36 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

When someone is besotted with another, they tend to want to talk about them to anyone who will listen, even if it is with a romantic partner and it is inappropriate.
I have a feeling he is likely not over his ex/exes and so is regurgitating all the gory details of his relationships to you.
He is using you like a therapist
He is also not upset/jealous about your past as he is maybe not that connected to you.
You do not trigger jealousy or emotion in him when talking about your exes and that is kind of  unusual.
Men tend to get jealous, possessive and territorial about their woman.
Maybe he is just not feeling that deeply about you.
He seems to be pressing you to absorb all his past emotions for other women.
He, I guess needs to get it off his chest and you are the chosen one... but you are not obligated to be his unpaid therapist.
NO woman really wants to hear about past loves and sexual exploits... he is being ridiculous, but if I am right he feels the need to spill and that is probably not healthy for your relationship going forward.

divegrl, I tend to agree with elaine, that has been my experience anyway.  And with respect to the emboldened sections, perhaps he is hoping by your sharing your sexual and other experiences with your ex's, it will inspire some emotion in him that he does not appear to be feeling now.  Like he may actually want to feel jealousy, as odd as that sounds.

But that's just a guess because again, just my experience, but I have never known a man in love with me or even just attracted to me (early stages) who actually wants to hear about my sexual and other experiences with my ex's, to the contrary it makes them crazy to even think about it!  And vice versa.

But good luck, I hope you can work it out. 

 

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[divegrl]

47 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

divegrl, I tend to agree with elaine, that has been my experience anyway.  And with respect to the emboldened sections, perhaps he is hoping by your sharing your sexual and other experiences with your ex's, it will inspire some emotion in him that he does not appear to be feeling now.  Like he may actually want to feel jealousy, as odd as that sounds.

But that's just a guess because again, just my experience, but I have never known a man in love with me or even just attracted to me (early stages) who actually wants to hear about my sexual and other experiences with my ex's, to the contrary it makes them crazy to even think about it!  And vice versa.

But good luck, I hope you can work it out. 

 

 

Thank you so much for your response. So none of the conversation was sexual. It was all, how we each felt with our past exes and how we felt when it ended. 
 

I think we are both a bit insecure, both needing reassurance. But idk! But it concerns me that he has brought it up every couple of 2 or 3 times now… we have been together a year. And every time, it’s not been a good situation for me. But he says he feels closer when I am able to tell him about my past relationships. 
 

I don’t know. I said this the last time it happened, but I need to be very present and aware. As to not go in this spiral. And be aware to redirect the conversation to the present. And if he does not want to, ask him how hearing about my past is important for our relationship. 
 

Thank you so much for your response!!

[Lotsgoingon]

I hear of lovers' experiences only when they are perhaps feeling a bit sad about a past pain and they share some details.

This happens naturally over time ... without my really questioning them. Within a few months maybe the names of exes will come up. But my brain doesn't go anywhere sexually. I think that's because the point of the share by my partners is really to reveal vulnerable spots or past hurts or disappointments.

Sometimes there is a goofy story associated with an ex bf. You know, a random trip that turned into some goofy disaster and so on. Even when I have felt jealous, either my partner was a jerk and/or it wasn't sexual as much as some sense that they liked the previous person better than they like me. In which case, I quickly figure out I'm in a bad relationship. 

The whole point of a relationship is to find someone who you enjoy comforting who also comforts you. If I'm feeling good about the relationship, my brain does not go looking for trouble. No need. 

OP, I'm going to challenge you. You're not feeling secure in this relationship EVEN BEFORE this latest thing. 

Come on with it! Share. You wouldn't have gone digging otherwise. 

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, divegrl said:

Thank you for the first line. I am going to write it down in my journal. He is very much so able to talk about everything in his past… so that’s comforting that it’s a good sign. 
 

Right I get that those experiences shaped him. Ugh…. He did open up a lot. Just why can’t he say he felt empty in 2018… not go into the long drawn out story about his ex and why. 
 

I don’t like to talk about my exes. But that is not what made me upset. It was the detailed talk about his that really upset me. Yes I was not supportive of him. I guess I just feel a bit jealous or threatened, which now sounds a bit childish. 
 

I really do feel like I am supportive of him in other areas. And our communication has really improved and gone well. It was just last nights discussion when he told me how much he loved her that really bothered me. I do want him to feel like he can be honest and share everything with me. ( it’s just the thought of him loving another woman hurts… maybe I need to dig deeper into this.)

Thank you for your response!

you ask anyone ….anyone they had a serious relationship that lasted a yr or more found some qualities Thry liked in the person and likely have some positive memory of that relationship irrelevant of how/why it ended.

 

would you hold it against him if he has a favorite spot he likes to go to and  he brought past exes  there?  This is something important to him.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I hear of lovers' experiences only when they are perhaps feeling a bit sad about a past pain and they share some details.

This happens naturally over time ... without my really questioning them. Within a few months maybe the names of exes will come up. But my brain doesn't go anywhere sexually. I think that's because the point of the share by my partners is really to reveal vulnerable spots or past hurts or disappointments.

Sometimes there is a goofy story associated with an ex bf. You know, a random trip that turned into some goofy disaster and so on. Even when I have felt jealous, either my partner was a jerk and/or it wasn't sexual as much as some sense that they liked the previous person better than they like me. In which case, I quickly figure out I'm in a bad relationship. 

The whole point of a relationship is to find someone who you enjoy comforting who also comforts you. If I'm feeling good about the relationship, my brain does not go looking for trouble. No need. 

OP, I'm going to challenge you. You're not feeling secure in this relationship EVEN BEFORE this latest thing. 

Come on with it! Share. You wouldn't have gone digging otherwise. 

 

 

why think along a measuring stick?  Relationship is about how well you fit together and not trying to be the perfect in every category because that is impossible.

 

for sake or argument say he has dated 5 women 1-2 yrs each and hes engaged toyou.   If you asked him and he objectively answered which one was best at X you likely wouldn’t be tops in all categories.  One might be the most attractive , is a nice person, but they really are apart on many other things.  Another he might have great conversations with, but she might be lacking in having the same life long goals like marriage and children.and so on.

 

it’s not about settling or being the best but how comparable you are and can you accept their faults or shortcomings.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, divegrl said:

I agree. I am pretty concerned that he is not at the least bit jealous of my exes. 
 

To be fair, I only asked him about his exes, because he was questioning me so much about mine. It felt as a way to deflect his round of questioning. I should have just started talking about our next outing or holiday gifts. He did not freely offer up the information about his exes, I had to ask. He was mostly questioning me about mine and then I asked him about his. 
 

In hindsight I should never have asked him anything about his past exes. 
 

Thank you for your response!

I’m not a jealous type. Thst do exist. Relationship is based around honesty and trust, not jealousy and being protective or controlling.

[Lotsgoingon]

Why should he be jealous of your exes? He's with you now?

Did you give your exes more love and excitement and money and praise? Why should bf be jealous? 

[BaileyB]

I feel like there should be some kind of middle ground here. I will say, I find it very odd that you don’t want to talk at all about his former relationships. I mean, you must know that he has had other relationships and I would assume that he loved these women… That said, it’s really inappropriate for him to share all the details with you. 

I am well aware that my partner was married and after several years together, I know some of the details of their relationship, their wedding, their divorce, etc… That said, he doesn’t generally share and I don’t often ask. The reason why - we are not living in the past, we are living in the present and looking toward the future. What’s done is done and can’t be changed - why either of you would chose to focus on the past and let it affect your relationship in such a harmful way is kind of beyond me… My humble opinion, he would be wise to respect your wish not to talk about the past and you could be a bit more flexible/less insecure. 

[ironpony]

I don't understand why a lot of people make exes in the past out to be a big deal.  Who cares.  It didn't bother me with past gfs but some past gfs, my past with exes bothered them.  I never understand the big deal and why it bothers some people.