Revisiting compersion

[Classicfiction]

Just now, Classicfiction said:

I'm doing this now with my ex husband who cheated on me.  I dont feel bad or sad or insecure at all.  I feel freaking awesome knowing that I can still talk to another guy and he can still talk to other women.  I plan on getting back on a dating site in the near future.

I love him but I dont have any expectations for a committed relationship.  There is still comfort in human touch and conversation.  I dont mind him being free to talk to others at this point.

[central]

You can have both commitment and an open or poly relationship.  My wife and I exemplify this, and have for 21 years. 

A new relationship may require time and experience to achieve the level of trust and commitment needed so that jealousy isn't controlling, and compersion may be possible.  I have a date tomorrow (first since covid), and my wife is genuinely happy for me.

Or, a new relationship may not yet have expectations that make seeing others a trigger for jealousy (IF you can hold that mindset), and can develop into an ethically non-monogamous relationship with commitment.  That's how my current relationship developed initially.

[Alpacalia]

I'm not sure it's that I disagree with you entirely OP.

My knowledge of this topic is limited (compersion) apart from a few of the articles that I shared with you, though I, like many others, have received and perpetrated jealousy.

Whenever we feel jealous, it is because we feel a relationship is threatened or we fear that the loved one will find someone else to replace us.

Seems like you have the upper hand if you can watch or listen to with no feelings of jealousy or hurt someone you have a deep affection for getting it on with someone else or leaving you.

Which, I think may be what's really at the heart of this...

Edited December 22, 2021 by Alpaca

[Classicfiction]

5 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I'm not sure it's that I disagree with you entirely OP.

My knowledge of this topic is limited (compersion) apart from a few of the articles that I shared with you, though I, like many others, have received and perpetrated jealousy.

Whenever we feel jealous, it is because we feel a relationship is threatened or we fear that the loved one will find someone else to replace us.

Seems like you have the upper hand if you can watch or listen to with no feelings of jealousy or hurt someone you have a deep affection for getting it on with someone else or leaving you.

Which, I think may be what's really at the heart of this...

I mean, I also do have sexual attraction to women which I've repressed for long enough.  So to me it seems like it would be a win win.  I have imagined this scenario with my ex plenty of times and its kind of my go to fantasy.  I dont want to keep trying to fit myself into a square box since I'm definitely bisexual.  And honestly I think a lot of my negative emotions about myself and others has come from repressing my sexual identity.

If he were to fall madly in love with the other woman and no longer want my involvement, I would flow with that and just keep moving forward with an open heart.  Because I've let the marriage go.  Neither of us are the same person we were when we got married.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

I mean, I also do have sexual attraction to women which I've repressed for long enough.  So to me it seems like it would be a win win.  I have imagined this scenario with my ex plenty of times and its kind of my go to fantasy.  I dont want to keep trying to fit myself into a square box since I'm definitely bisexual.  And honestly I think a lot of my negative emotions about myself and others has come from repressing my sexual identity.

If he were to fall madly in love with the other woman and no longer want my involvement, I would flow with that and just keep moving forward with an open heart.  Because I've let the marriage go.  Neither of us are the same person we were when we got married.

Okay.

Well, I was not aware that you are bi-sexual.

I don't have experience with open relationships but I think there's a falsehood that people in open relationships don't get jealous.

The idea that an open relationship suddenly transforms your brain into one without any insecurity or jealousy is hard to grasp to me.

[central]

16 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I don't have experience with open relationships but I think there's a falsehood that people in open relationships don't get jealous.

The idea that an open relationship suddenly transforms your brain into one without any insecurity or jealousy is hard to grasp to me.

Indeed, many (perhaps most) people in open relationship DO get jealous.  If they want to continue the arrangement, they must learn to deal with it constructively - many do just that.  Since jealousy is based in insecurity and fear of loss, it can be overcome in time with reassurance and the absence of the negative consequences one fears.  It's not easy.  However, the rewards can far exceed the costs.

[Classicfiction]

13 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Okay.

Well, I was not aware that you are bi-sexual.

I don't have experience with open relationships but I think there's a falsehood that people in open relationships don't get jealous.

The idea that an open relationship suddenly transforms your brain into one without any insecurity or jealousy is hard to grasp to me.

I didnt really think it could work either until my experience dating two men at the same time.  @Fox Sake posted about compersion right around the time those relationships ended for me and I was contemplating how much different it felt compared to the ending of monogamous relationships of the past.  I was sad but also not defeated and not stricken with heartache.

It just made me wonder how it would be if instead of being jealous over a man's attraction to another woman, what if I just admitted to myself two things:

1.  That I was also attracted to some of those women they found appealing, and

2.  That I have felt attraction to other men while being in a relationship

So I had kind of an epiphone and realized I have been fighting nature (my opinion).

[Fox Sake]

1 minute ago, Classicfiction said:

I didnt really think it could work either until my experience dating two men at the same time.  @Fox Sake posted about compersion right around the time those relationships ended for me and I was contemplating how much different it felt compared to the ending of monogamous relationships of the past.  I was sad but also not defeated and not stricken with heartache.

It just made me wonder how it would be if instead of being jealous over a man's attraction to another woman, what if I just admitted to myself two things:

1.  That I was also attracted to some of those women they found appealing, and

2.  That I have felt attraction to other men while being in a relationship

So I had kind of an epiphone and realized I have been fighting nature (my opinion).

That pretty much echos some of my thoughts. When you’re brutally honest with yourself and stop being selfish/having double standards, it’s amazing what you can learn about yourself and your actions. 
I don’t know about you, but I feel fortunate to have experienced something and gained a positive thought process out of it. I feel you on the epitome  
 

@Alpacaand @central are absolutely correct about jealousy and insecurity.
You don’t stop magically becoming no longer jealous or insecure. In my experience, You just learn how to work and think differently with it. You still get those feelings, otherwise you wouldn’t care!  
In turn it becomes easier to squash those (unfounded) negative, unhealthy feelings of jealousy and insecurity when they arise , before they spill over into how you react and treat someone. They were an issue for me in the past.  I used to get unreasonably jealous,  now I think that was ridiculous , selfish and unfair at certain times. 

 

[Classicfiction]

25 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I used to get unreasonably jealous,  now I think that was ridiculous , selfish and unfair at certain times. 

Yes exactly.  And I thank you for your timing with posting about this concept. It put a word to what I was experiencing at the time.  Even though I was still fighting with myself on it, I've since received more clarity.  It really is a tool that can be used even in monogamous relationships.  I believe in it!