Revisiting compersion

[Classicfiction]

45 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, and contrary to some opinions, you do not need to experiment by opening your relationship to have exciting sex. Sometimes you're just that good with your partner. 

Sorry girl but I don't think thats the norm. And even if you have the most fantastical sex of all time with your man, he's still gonna wonder about the neighbor.  

He's seen your full on nudity.  She is still fully clothed and there's mystery there.  Mystery is exciting!  I'm just trying to be real.

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Classicfiction said:

Sorry girl but I don't think thats the norm. And even if you have the most fantastical sex of all time with your man, he's still gonna wonder about the neighbor.  

He's seen your full on nudity.  She is still fully clothed and there's mystery there.  Mystery is exciting!  I'm just trying to be real.

So what if he wonders about the neighbor? Does that mean he's going to sleep with the neighbor?

I mean, I've seen plenty of good looking men in my life, doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with them.

[basil67]

Just now, Classicfiction said:

Sorry girl but I don't think thats the norm. And even if you have the most fantastical sex of all time with your man, he's still gonna wonder about the neighbor.  

He's seen your full on nudity.  She is still fully clothed and there's mystery there.  Mystery is exciting!  I'm just trying to be real.

Yes, he might do this.  And a married woman may equally do this with her hot neighbour or workmate.  However, the fact that they aren't dead doesn't automatically mean they are going to cheat.    

At the moment, you seem to hold very negative views of all men.  Frankly, you're not in a state to be dating at all while you have such little faith.

[Classicfiction]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, he might do this.  And a married woman may equally do this with her hot neighbour or workmate.  However, the fact that they aren't dead doesn't automatically mean they are going to cheat.    

At the moment, you seem to hold very negative views of all men.  Frankly, you're not in a state to be dating at all while you have such little faith.

I dont even have a response to yalls insistance that a realistic perspective is a negative one.

Just

Good night

[Uruktopi]

8 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

 I'm just trying to be real.

You are trying. But you are not still near to.

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, Alpaca said:

So what if he wonders about the neighbor? Does that mean he's going to sleep with the neighbor?

I mean, I've seen plenty of good looking men in my life, doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with them.

Exactly and it doesn't mean the neighbour will want to sleep with him either... 
Most men  unless they are particularly "hot", have charm or wealth  or are out clubbing nightly will find it difficult to persuade random and sober women to sleep with them. 
Many men find it difficult to even find one gf.
Women are not queueing up to sleep with guys who are already attached...
Men in open relationships often find it almost impossible to find women prepared to sleep with them, many need to resort to escorts... 
I think you are wallowing in negativity if you think all men are cheating right left and centre...
 

[Uruktopi]

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Many men find it difficult to even find one gf.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Exactly and it doesn't mean the neighbour will want to sleep with him either... 
Most men  unless they are particularly "hot", have charm or wealth  or are out clubbing nightly will find it difficult to persuade random and sober women to sleep with them. 
Many men find it difficult to even find one gf.
Women are not queueing up to sleep with guys who are already attached...
Men in open relationships often find it almost impossible to find women prepared to sleep with them, many need to resort to escorts... 
I think you are wallowing in negativity if you think all men are cheating right left and centre...
 

Agree.

Humans have the capacity to cheat.

Humans have the capacity to murder.

That doesn't mean everyone goes out and commits murder.

The fact that we're naturally predisposed to certain behavior types doesn't mean that we can't unlearn those inclinations and actively choose another course of action when dealing with our own behaviors. 

[Uruktopi]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

....naturally predisposed...

Hmmmmmmm

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Uruktopi said:

Hmmmmmmm

What? lol

Was that the wrong choice of words I used?

It might have been.

I think the point still stands though.

[Classicfiction]

Well I'm also bisexual.  So there is that.  I feel I need both so I dont think I would mind so much if another woman was with me and my man.  And if I had another guy to talk to and lean on then it would reallly not be as big a deal if my man caught feelings for the other woman.

When I dated two guys at the same time it was extremely easy to not feel jealous while one of them was persuing another person.  And I did have feelings of love for both.

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

What? lol

Was that the wrong choice of words I used?

It might have been.

I think the point still stands though.

LOL!

No mistake by your side.

It was about my own reservations about "predispositions".

[Classicfiction]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, he might do this.  And a married woman may equally do this with her hot neighbour or workmate.  However, the fact that they aren't dead doesn't automatically mean they are going to cheat.    

At the moment, you seem to hold very negative views of all men.  Frankly, you're not in a state to be dating at all while you have such little faith.

Everyone is in a state to have a relationship at any given time despite their shortcomings and flaws.  It is absolutely ridiculous to tell people they have to become a certain type of person in order to have a relationship.

There is no normal.  [ ] 

Edited December 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Uruktopi]

I have the suspiction that there you are missunderstanding basil67´s words.

But I may be wrong and what you think is that almost any kind of relationship, even bad ones (and those ones exists), is better than none.

Edited December 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote with language in

[JRabbit]

13 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

And even if you have the most fantastical sex of all time with your man, he's still gonna wonder about the neighbor.  

He's seen your full on nudity.  She is still fully clothed and there's mystery there.  Mystery is exciting!  I'm just trying to be real.

It's sad that this is what you think all men are like.

[Classicfiction]

3 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

It's sad that this is what you think all men are like.

Girl its nature.  Its natural.  Im not saying all men cheat, Im saying a man can love a woman deeply and still be sexually attracted to another woman.  It happens all the time.

And its not sad to have an opinion thats different than yours.  Yall should be lifting people up, not tearing them down just for expressing themselves

[Classicfiction]

11 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

I have the suspiction that there you are missunderstanding basil67´s words.

But I may be wrong and what you think is that almost any kind of relationship, even bad ones (and those ones exists), is better than none.

Yeah.. there is not a dang thing I can say that you're going to hear with any kind of clarity.  But you know what, all relationships are part of a soul's journey and in that sense, none are truly bad.

It's a perspective thing.

[JRabbit]

12 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Yall should be lifting people up, not tearing them down just for expressing themselves

Hardly tearing you down, jeesh.  I mean, you are tearing men down badly in this thread. I dont think its sad about your opinion being different, I think it's sad you believe the things you are saying.

Saying men are attracted to women and saying peoples husbands are wondering about the neighbour next door aren't the same thing.

 

[Classicfiction]

12 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

Hardly tearing you down, jeesh.  I mean, you are tearing men down badly in this thread. I dont think its sad about your opinion being different, I think it's sad you believe the things you are saying.

Saying men are attracted to women and saying peoples husbands are wondering about the neighbour next door aren't the same thing.

 

Omggg lol.  Men are not horses with blinders on.  Its not tearing down men to say ok bros, I understand how testosterone makes you different from those of us full of estrogen.  Honestly I think its weird to think your man isnt going to at least wonder about other women.  Life is not a Disney movie.

All Im doing is talking about my personal experience.  I WAS sad when I kept beating my head against a wall trying to make monogamy happen in my life.

Now I'm not sad thinking about things from the perspective of compersion.

[JRabbit]

2 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

All Im doing is talking about my personal experience.  I WAS sad when I kept beating my head against a wall trying to make monogamy happen in my life.

Now I'm not sad thinking about things from the perspective of compersion

That is great you have found what works for you. Careful painting all people with the same brush based on your experiences.

It's strange because women are just as likely to cheat, and look elsewhere. So I found it interesting you say this a man vs woman thing.

Seems to me more of a belief/moral/lifestyle thing than a gender thing.

[Uruktopi]

35 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Yeah.. there is not a dang thing I can say that you're going to hear with any kind of clarity.  But you know what, all relationships are part of a soul's journey and in that sense, none are truly bad.

It's a perspective thing.

"Yeah.. there is not a dang thing I can say that you're going to hear with any kind of clarity." I own my limitations so it may be quite true. Another alternative is that our different assumptions also differ on what clarity may mean. Thinking different is not a bad thing, after all.

And as an inmediate example of the same: "But you know what, ...are part of a soul's journey" there you are.

No, I hopelly donn´t know that. Even your concept (which I respect if you find it good for you) of "soul's journey" is, for my own frame nothing significative (please note my effort to say it in an gentle way).

"t's a perspective thing." True. Not mine. And I´m not sad about it.

Trully, best wishes.

Edited December 22, 2021 by Uruktopi

[glows]

This is all theory though. I've stood back and didn't respond in the thread because I wanted to see whether there are individuals who experience compersion as an automatic byproduct of a poly lifestyle, for example. Imo, it's a byproduct of being confident and secure in relationships, not the other way around. Achieving compersion to work backwards and overcome insecurity seems unconventional and a bit risky. The issue is that a person who does this is coming from a deeply insecure place or terribly hurt from previous experiences.

Try it with a partner whom you have some vested interest in and see whether it works for you. In the end you live your own philosophies and design your own life. If you find you are overcoming your jealousy or react a bit better in situations or develop yourself differently as a human being, so be it. 

You will not know until you experience that. 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

This is all theory though. I've stood back and didn't respond in the thread because I wanted to see whether there are individuals who experience compersion as an automatic byproduct of a poly lifestyle, for example. Imo, it's a byproduct of being confident and secure in relationships, not the other way around. Achieving compersion to work backwards and overcome insecurity seems unconventional and a bit risky. The issue is that a person who does this is coming from a deeply insecure place or terribly hurt from previous experiences.

Agreed.

This is not about naturally accepting or feeling genuinely happy about a partner having sexual relations with someone else, this seems to be about learning how to tolerate/put up with/turn a blind eye to behaviour in a partner that has made the OP so sad and upset in the past that it was a deal breaker.

If you cannot tolerate stealing in a partner, the solution is generally not to date a thief and try to twist yourself into knots to try to accept him and his thieving ways...

[Classicfiction]

14 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

That is great you have found what works for you. Careful painting all people with the same brush based on your experiences.

It's strange because women are just as likely to cheat, and look elsewhere. So I found it interesting you say this a man vs woman thing.

Seems to me more of a belief/moral/lifestyle thing than a gender thing.

Ok I'm trying to say there are natural differences between men and women and to deny that is to deny reality.  Those differences do factor in to the way we behave.  They do not completely determine behavior but those hormonal and physical differences do create differences in behavior.

My comments are not absolutes.  I'm saying the natural biological, chemical differences between men and women do exist and they do different things to our minds and bodies.

Men don't feel an urge to breatfeed for the most part.  Im not saying there arent men who yearn to breastfeed, but I'm saying for the most part thats a feminine thing.

I mean,  dont you start to feel h**ny when you work out a lot?  Thats testosterone.

 

[Classicfiction]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

This is all theory though. I've stood back and didn't respond in the thread because I wanted to see whether there are individuals who experience compersion as an automatic byproduct of a poly lifestyle, for example. Imo, it's a byproduct of being confident and secure in relationships, not the other way around. Achieving compersion to work backwards and overcome insecurity seems unconventional and a bit risky. The issue is that a person who does this is coming from a deeply insecure place or terribly hurt from previous experiences.

Try it with a partner whom you have some vested interest in and see whether it works for you. In the end you live your own philosophies and design your own life. If you find you are overcoming your jealousy or react a bit better in situations or develop yourself differently as a human being, so be it. 

You will not know until you experience that. 

I'm doing this now with my ex husband who cheated on me.  I dont feel bad or sad or insecure at all.  I feel freaking awesome knowing that I can still talk to another guy and he can still talk to other women.  I plan on getting back on a dating site in the near future.