Revisiting compersion

[Girl Fade Away]

@ClassicfictionI've been reading about compersion all morning, fascinsting topic!  Here is another definition:

Compersion is the feeling of enjoyment one gets when their partner receives sexual or romantic pleasure from a different person. Compersion is a term used frequently in the poly community and is often referred to as the opposite of jealousy.

I am seriously wondering how one gets to this place. And to ask those involved in open non-monagamous or poly relationships ( @central?), do you feel happy when your wife shares a story about having sex with another man, does it bring you pleasure and enjoyment that she experienced it?

Classicfiction when you are truly honest with yourself, could you ever get to that place? 

And how does one get there?  

Not interested in going there myself but did briefly date a man who was multi-dating and sexual with several woman while claiming to feel a strong connection with me.

He claimed that knowing these women were also sexual with other men brought him happiness and joy.  He believed in abundance even within a relationship. For himself and his partner. 

I actually believed him but I never understood it.  I stopped dating him shortly thereafter, no judgment it just wasn't me.

Edited December 21, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Fox Sake]

29 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

@ClassicfictionI've been reading about compersion all morning, fascinsting topic!  Here is another definition:

Compersion is the feeling of enjoyment one gets when their partner receives sexual or romantic pleasure from a different person. Compersion is a term used frequently in the poly community and is often referred to as the opposite of jealousy.

I am seriously wondering how one gets to this place. And to ask those involved in open non-monagamous or poly relationships ( @central?), do you feel happy when your wife shares a story about having sex with another man, does it bring you pleasure and enjoyment that she experienced it?

Classicfiction when you are truly honest with yourself, could you ever get to that place? 

And how does one get there?  

Not interested in going there myself but did briefly date a man who was multi-dating and sexual with several woman while claiming to feel a strong connection with me.

He claimed that knowing these women were also sexual with other men brought him happiness and joy.  He believed in abundance even within a relationship. For himself and his partner. 

I actually believed him but I never understood it.  I stopped dating him shortly thereafter, no judgment it just wasn't me.

Just to clear up a misconception- compersion isn’t about taking pleasure in your partner getting sexual satisfaction from someone else. That isn’t the definition. That is a kink,  and is quite different.

Compersion can however,  be a byproduct of that and can help maintain a healthy relationship in those moments. 
 

Compersion is about accepting their sexual connection (if they have one) with someone else without feeling threatened. 
Compersion is about being happy that your partner is happy, and being strong and knowing that your connection can’t be replaced or replicated, no matter who their other partner might be. 
 

Compersion in a monogamous relationship , looks like this - not getting jealous when they speak to friends of the opposite sex,  not getting insecure when they go out with their friends etc, not feeling threatened by a close friend of the opposite sex etc etc. 
 

So , poly or monogamous , Compersion is a tool and a practice.  
 

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Just to clear up a misconception- compersion isn’t about taking pleasure in your partner getting sexual satisfaction from someone else. That isn’t the definition.

But it does seems to be the dictionary definition and the one plastered all over the internet...

[Girl Fade Away]

18 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Just to clear up a misconception- compersion isn’t about taking pleasure in your partner getting sexual satisfaction from someone else.

I see, thanks @Fox Sake.

I was only repeating what I have been reading on line about it (see the two definitions in my previous posts), including interviews with individuals who believe in it and practice it.

And that is how the articles I read defined it, and how the individuals described it. 

That it was more than acceptance.  It was actually feeling enjoyment from their partners' sexual experiences with others.  Taking pleasure from it.  More than acceptance.

But I'm still learning about it and open to how you are defining it too.  

Edited December 21, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Fox Sake]

Just now, elaine567 said:

But it does seems to be the dictionary definition and the one plastered all over the internet...

I guess it depends where you read and who you ask.
In my experience and a large group of poly people I know,  class that as an acquired taste of kink.
Compersion to them and me , is as I explained it. A way to turn jealousy and insecurity around.   Doesn’t mean to say Compersion can’t be used effectively in that situation tho (enjoying your partner getting it from other people)  as it absolutely can. It’s just not to my taste. 

[Fox Sake]

10 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I see, thanks @Fox Sake.

I was only repeating what I have been reading on line about it (see the two definitions in my previous posts), including interviews with individuals who believe in it and practice it.

And that is how the articles I read defined it, and how the individuals described it. 

That it was more than acceptance.  It was actually feeling enjoyment from their partners' sexual experiences with others.  Taking pleasure from it.  More than acceptance.

But I'm still learning about it and open to how you are defining it too.  

It seems that Compersion has become a spectrum of some sort online!   
It appears to now cover a certain type of kink which I think is a bit of a shame and a misconception. I can see it being relatable to that sort of activity tho as really it is practicing Compersion to an extreme level. 

It’s a shame cos tying Compersion to that concept of feeling enjoyment or satisfaction in your partners other sexual activity, takes the value out of practicing Compersion and it’s rewards, and places them back into an acquired kink category again! Hope this made sense .. I was just trying to differentiate between a kink Compersion and just plain Compersion 
 

[Girl Fade Away]

19 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

It’s a shame cos tying Compersion to that concept of feeling enjoyment or satisfaction in your partners other sexual activity, takes the value out of practicing Compersion and it’s rewards, and places them back into an acquired kink category again.

I am curious, why do you consider it a shame?  

If you personally choose to not practice conversion how it's been defined in various sources and how others choose to practice it by feeling pleasure and enjoyment in their partners sexual activity with others, that is certainly your prerogative.

But that doesn't necessarily make it any less rewarding for those people or anything they should feel shame about, does it?

We are all free to define certain kinks, styles and practices in our way, doesn't make it a misconception, just a different way of viewing it and practicing it, that's all. 

Whatever works for each of us. No right or wrong imo.

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

AND, perhaps you should get to know about, there is a new thing....called "being in love".

Indeed.

To your initial post OP, someone who cheats on you reflects negatively on them. Not you.

The truth is: this pattern of cheating that you mentioned in your original post may have something to do with you (though you are not at fault). 

We typically are attracted to and choose partners that match our own level of mental health. 

Secondly, you can choose to take the long, hard road of evaluating the patterns you find, and be more selective about the relationships you choose if you have been "cheated on" in most or all of them.

The effect of getting cheated on messes with your self esteem and insecurities.

Story moral: You nearly lost your heart and lost a loved one to cheating, doubting, feeling insecure, and feeling jealous is the most obvious human behavior.

It is important that you realize that being in a non-monogamy relationship may seem like a wise choice on paper, but there may be jealousy, and it could adversely affect your already tender self-esteem. That sounds a bit risky to me. Whether you agree is your choice.

An arduous road lies ahead of you, but if you believe you're worth it, you might as well consider it.

[Fox Sake]

25 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I am curious, why do you consider it a shame?  

If you personally choose to not practice conversion how it's been defined in various sources and how others choose to practice it by feeling pleasure and enjoyment in their partners sexual activity with others, that is certainly your prerogative.

But that doesn't necessarily make it any less rewarding for those people or anything they should feel shame about, does it?

We are all free to define certain kinks, styles and practices in our way, doesn't make it a misconception, just a different way of viewing it and practicing it, that's all. 

Whatever works for each of us. No right or wrong imo.

 

I consider it a shame , because in itself the act of Compersion can be quite humbling and beneficial. When it’s being tied to a specific sort of kink, then it makes it less available/desirable to everyone else who is totally straight laced , and may not be able to relate because it’s tied with something they don’t understand.

I’m not sure why you thought I was trying to kink shame peoples preferences but that’s not the case. No one should feel shame. They should however not take a word that describes a feeling and turn it into a reference for a specific sexual quirk. 
 

I ran this by some other folk just now as I wanted their input. 
In the poly community I know, they are of the same understanding. I asked my friend who’s been non monogamous for 11 years.  She said “Compersion is just practicing the opposite of jealousy. It doesn’t matter on the type of situation it’s used in but it’s definitely not based around sex. More so jealousy and insecurity’s” 

my friend  S says  “to me Compersion is bein happy for my gf. Doesn’t matter if about sex or friendship. It’s about dealing with insecurity in a healthy way” 

Still waiting for the others to get back to me but it’s interesting hearing what the community I know has to say, over a definition on the internet over a new word which literally means “the opposite of jealousy”. That is all. The rest is just made up after that to suite whatever situation it’s being used in. 

I guess different people have different views. It seems mostly the internet has different views over the actual real life people I know. Go figure! Everything online has to true right?!  
Personally , I will embrace the views that the community I know, the videos by a poly girl on YouTube who says pretty much the same thing, and my own views on Compersion as it’s a very healthy practice in any relationship. 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

Compersion in a monogamous relationship , looks like this - not getting jealous when they speak to friends of the opposite sex,  not getting insecure when they go out with their friends etc, not feeling threatened by a close friend of the opposite sex etc etc. 
 

So , poly or monogamous , Compersion is a tool and a practice.  
 

This extension of the concept of Compersion, historically originated in the polyamorous frame and theoretical workbench, to monogamous relationships, is IMO, both lucid and also tricky.

Said ambiguity is not evident cos it rest in an epistemological mistake: to mainly focus in the subject (the individual thoghts and feelings, let´s say "jealousy") while is not too so accurate when defining it´s object (the about what out there), scope of validity, it´s frame (a couple, the interaction with others).

Even so, it tries to make a distinction of what may mean for each case: poly / mono. And it fails in doing so.

Let´s explore this: "not getting jealous when they speak to friends of the opposite sex,  not getting insecure when they go out with their friends etc, not feeling threatened by a close friend of the opposite sex etc etc"

The above said behaviours do NOT collide at all with a loyal monogamy, cos they do not intersect with the kind of exclusivity that defines monogamy: To be fiercly exclusive about all romantic, sexual, seduction games, even flirting. So, to feel bad about what is friendly and social is a pathology. And that´s how they conceive jealousy.

But they also use both concepts, jealousy / compersion for the poly woldview.  And it haves a quite different FACTUAL meaining while they go on naming whit the same word (on how it feels) things that are in fact disjoint.

That way, it´s implicitely sugested that caring about the kind of exclusivity the makes valid sense for monogamous relationships (and not out of the board ones) is also and always a pathology (insecurity and all that jazz). 

And this is fraudulent.  

This is an example of what I´ve said earlier: Being myself a non negotiable monogamist I have most and equal respect for the ethical polyamorist choice and people.

But some of their philosophic theorethical claims (as much a some of closed mind monogamists) are noothing but a collection of ill defined concepts.

So, they bore me.

 

 

[central]

Compersion certainly isn't necessary to having a successful, ethically non-monogamous relationship.  I'd say it's a plus if you experience it, as it is more positive than neutral acceptance, and vastly better than even minor jealousy.  IMO, focusing on compersion is a distraction from what is needed to succeed in a non-monogamous relationship.

[Girl Fade Away]

57 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

She said “Compersion is just practicing the opposite of jealousy.

 

57 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Still waiting for the others to get back to me but it’s interesting hearing what the community I know has to say, over a definition on the internet over a new word which literally means “the opposite of jealousy”.

Fair enough Fox Sake, and we are on the same page about that meaning.  But again curious how you define the "opposite of jealousy." 

Since jealousy is a negative emotion and causes us to feel unhappiness and other unpleasantness, would not the opposite of that be a positive emotion, feeling happiness and pleasantness?  When practicing conversion, instead of feeling jealous that your partner engaged in sexual relations with someone else, you would feel the opposite of that -- happiness and joy that they did so?  

I don't know it's so ambiguous!   And perhaps it all boils down to semantics. Since it IS a relatively new word and concept, different people will have different variations of its meaning which is OKAY.

57 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I’m not sure why you thought I was trying to kink shame peoples preferences

I wasn't, but you mentioned in your post "it's a shame cos tying Compersion to that concept of feeling enjoyment or satisfaction in your partners other sexual activity, takes the value out of practicing Compersion and it’s rewards, and places them back into an acquired kink category again" and I interpreted that to mean you believed those who did not share that view should feel a sense of shame for it.

Since that was NOT the case, my apologies for misinterpreting.

Anyway, I await @Classicfiction response to all our various thoughts and questions.

Interesting topic and interesting discussion! 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Sun Seeker]

16 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Through the years I have experimented with all sorts of styles - multi-dating, open relationships, polyamorous relationships, BDSM you name it, I have experimented with it with various boyfriends. 

 

Is it wrong that reading this is somehow coming across as... hot? 

Anyway back on topic.. every man on this Earth would like to be able to have sex with a different woman each night, and still be able to go home to their partner, who has no issues with it. If a man tells you otherwise, they are lying, or asexual. Fact. It's who we are.

Most men make a choice to not act on this physical impulse, get married, be loyal and not cheat. It's a sort of sacrifice that we are willing to make, in order to show our love for that one person. For some men it's a harder choice to make then it is for others, hence you get cheaters.

To answer the OP's questions, yes I would stay with a woman who accepted the relationship being open, as sex in itself is not enough for a long term fulfilling relationship. The best sex ever with the wrong person, will still make you want to end things and find someone else. And being OK with her having other partners too? No way. That's our job 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Sun Seeker

[Girl Fade Away]

24 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

Most men make a choice to not act on this physical impulse, get married, be loyal and not cheat. It's a sort of sacrifice that we are willing to make, in order to show our love for that one person. For some men it's a harder choice to make then it is for others, hence you get cheaters.

Great point, it all boils down to commitment and having the integrity to keep that commitment.   Like you said SS, for some that is easier done than for others.  Both men and women, I don't think it's gender specific.

Personally, it would not be a sacrifice for me to keep my commitment and be faithful, I am not wired to have multiple partners or even have the desire to do so.

There is a saying that I find quite apt (again for me personally).  "You can have the same (sexual) experiences with different people OR different experiences with the same person." 

I am more about having different sexual experiences with the SAME man, hence my comment in my earlier post you thought was "hot"?  Being adventurous, experimenting and trying on new and different experiences within ONE relationship with the same man.  Keeps it all fresh and exciting.

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Uruktopi]

40 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Great point, it all boils down to commitment and having the integrity to keep that commitment.   Like you said SS, for some that is easier done than for others.  Both men and women, I don't think it's gender specific.

Personally, it would not be a sacrifice for me to keep my commitment and be faithful, I am not wired to have multiple partners or even have the desire to do so.

There is a saying that I find quite apt (again for me personally).  "You can have the same (sexual) experiences with different people OR different experiences with the same person." 

I am more about having different sexual experiences with the SAME man, hence my comment in my earlier post you thought was "hot"?  Being adventurous, experimenting and trying on new and different experiences within ONE relationship with the same man.  Keeps it all fresh and exciting.

 

Bravo!

[Classicfiction]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's important to reflect on your motivation for open relationships.

Betrayal and hurt can come in all forms. What you can do is keep this less exclusive such as FWB, if you wish to have your freedom.

However, polyamory and open relationships are not a panacea for being cheated on, betrayal or getting hurt.

It may be better to understand why you feel this way and try not to use it as a shield against pain. 

The reason I feel this way is because the other way, expecting men to be monogamous has not worked for me.  

The belief that this man Im dating is going to be fully satisfied with me and me alone as a mate has lead me to expect quite a bit from relationships and become very hurt when the guy falls short.  I think a lot of people experience this.  More people than want to admit it.

Releasing potential partners from this constraint in my mind is allowing me to relax and allow life to just happen as it will.  Really! reading about compersion has given me a new perspective.

Since Ive been fairly uptight on this view of monogamy and needing it but not getting it in a vicious cycle of hope, heartache and disappointment.. letting go of the need for it is helping me to realize some things.  

Namely that if a man Im with flirts with a random person or even a friend, its not the end of the world.  And its just easier to accept a man's wandering eyes if my own eyes aren't heavily glued on him as the answer to all of my desires and needs.

[Classicfiction]

9 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

As also a researcher I´m familiarized with seriuosly considering the material basis of the world arround.

Even so, the human species have some singularities also social / historical ones and a tradition of rebellion against it´s own constraints.

We are not specially "made" to have habitat in a certain enviroment / conditions, remain tied to our own historical stages and neither to live "inmerse" in a fixed behaviour.

As we are somehow "generalists" we have some more of what in Science are called potential "degrees of freedom".

So, we are not built in monogamous creatures BUT (and that is the surprize) not all but a lot of us choose and live monogamous AND loyals to our choice.

AND, perhaps you should get to know about, there is a new thing....called "being in love".

I knew it on first hand, you know...

It´s interesting.

  

 

Yes.  Ive been in love.  The times that I have been in love have ended in a discard that called into question my abilities as a woman to be understanding and empathetic.  Perhaps Im just not as understanding and empathetic as other women... Im not sure.

So I would say this,  there are women who men value to such a degree that they will stay loyal and there are women who have to accept less or different.  People who have to accept less or different.

I feel that its a bit biased for devoted people who have found that elusive bond to tell the rest of us to keep trying and keep expecting.  That kind of bond is rare in the grand scheme of things.  Im not the kind of woman to be magical enough to keep a man that locked into my existance and Ive accepted that.  But I can still have relationships.

Its a relief that I can still have relationships without continuing to feel sh*** about myself and my abilities as a woman. 

Its a relief to know there are other people like me who are trying to find ways to manage.

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Yes.  Ive been in love.  The times that I have been in love have ended in a discard that called into question my abilities as a woman to be understanding and empathetic. Perhaps Im just not as understanding and empathetic as other women... Im not sure.

Are you talking about being understanding and empathetic towards the person who just dumped you?  If so, why do you think that other women react in this way?  

As a woman, I'll tell you that it's perfectly OK to be hurt/angry/frustrated/feel used.  You can feel however you like - there are no rules on this.

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

 there are women who men value to such a degree that they will stay loyal and there are women who have to accept less or different.  

I  think you are probably right. Some women seem to never get cheated upon and others seem to attract cheaters.
I once knew a woman who openly confessed that she cheated on every man she dated and she dated some quite fabulous men, but her last one who she married she said she would never cheat on him because she wouldn't dare, her words.  I don't think she was scared of him but she knew he would never tolerate it, so she never did it.
I think many cheat, because they know they can get away with it.
They see weakness, so they chance their luck. 

I also think some women are so valued that men do not want to ever lose them, so they behave...

[Classicfiction]

39 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I  think you are probably right. Some women seem to never get cheated upon and others seem to attract cheaters.
I once knew a woman who openly confessed that she cheated on every man she dated and she dated some quite fabulous men, but her last one who she married she said she would never cheat on him because she wouldn't dare, her words.  I don't think she was scared of him but she knew he would never tolerate it, so she never did it.
I think many cheat, because they know they can get away with it.
They see weakness, so they chance their luck. 

I also think some women are so valued that men do not want to ever lose them, so they behave...

Honestly I could do endless work on myself to become a stronger more confident person, but at the end of the day my experiences have led me to this place.  If I put off a certain vibe or pheromone that tells men I'm not the longterm wifey type... who knows.

But to try a change of perspective may just open some doors for me and Im willing to try

You know what though... and I'm sure I'll catch some flak for saying this, but, some of those women who never get cheated on just dont know that they have been.

[Uruktopi]

40 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I  think you are probably right. Some women seem to never get cheated upon and others seem to attract cheaters.
I once knew a woman who openly confessed that she cheated on every man she dated and she dated some quite fabulous men, but her last one who she married she said she would never cheat on him because she wouldn't dare, her words.  I don't think she was scared of him but she knew he would never tolerate it, so she never did it.
I think many cheat, because they know they can get away with it.
They see weakness, so they chance their luck. 

I also think some women are so valued that men do not want to ever lose them, so they behave...

I agree with your observations but whith not all the same conclutions.

I would say in a more general sense that those capable to say NO to what they do not want are almost the same and only ones capable of a significative YES to what they desire.

Those who learned the above walking a hard road of defeats become more valuable also to others.  

[Alpacalia]

Yes, and contrary to some opinions, you do not need to experiment by opening your relationship to have exciting sex. Sometimes you're just that good with your partner. 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, Classicfiction said:

Yes.  Ive been in love.  The times that I have been in love have ended in a discard that called into question my abilities as a woman to be understanding and empathetic.  Perhaps Im just not as understanding and empathetic as other women... Im not sure.

So I would say this,  there are women who men value to such a degree that they will stay loyal and there are women who have to accept less or different.  People who have to accept less or different.

I feel that its a bit biased for devoted people who have found that elusive bond to tell the rest of us to keep trying and keep expecting.  That kind of bond is rare in the grand scheme of things.  Im not the kind of woman to be magical enough to keep a man that locked into my existance and Ive accepted that.  But I can still have relationships.

Its a relief that I can still have relationships without continuing to feel sh*** about myself and my abilities as a woman. 

Its a relief to know there are other people like me who are trying to find ways to manage.

It would be a boring TJ, unfair and probably unuseful to tell the story of my epic failures along life, the ones related to love and relationships.

I ended discovering what love may mean by my early sixties. It endured as the best of my life while she stayed alive.

Something that made it possible (not enough but necessary) was to get convinced that there is no way to say YES to what you want while you can´t say NO to what you don´t.

Saying it simple: aren´t you selling yourself short, lady?

Love requires various important things. One of them is courage.

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Uruktopi]

3 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, and contrary to some opinions, you do not need to experiment by opening your relationship to have exciting sex. Sometimes you're just that good with your partner. 

Enthusiatically agree with you.

[Classicfiction]

11 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

@ClassicfictionI've been reading about compersion all morning, fascinsting topic!  Here is another definition:

Compersion is the feeling of enjoyment one gets when their partner receives sexual or romantic pleasure from a different person. Compersion is a term used frequently in the poly community and is often referred to as the opposite of jealousy.

I am seriously wondering how one gets to this place. And to ask those involved in open non-monagamous or poly relationships ( @central?), do you feel happy when your wife shares a story about having sex with another man, does it bring you pleasure and enjoyment that she experienced it?

Classicfiction when you are truly honest with yourself, could you ever get to that place? 

And how does one get there?  

Not interested in going there myself but did briefly date a man who was multi-dating and sexual with several woman while claiming to feel a strong connection with me.

He claimed that knowing these women were also sexual with other men brought him happiness and joy.  He believed in abundance even within a relationship. For himself and his partner. 

I actually believed him but I never understood it.  I stopped dating him shortly thereafter, no judgment it just wasn't me.

So my adherance to monogamy has brought me more pain than I care to experience further.  When I try to see things from a guy's perspective, I actually can understand how hard it might be to not fumble even with the deepest love.

I think sometimes people want to forget that there's science involved and just talk of this lofty inexplicable love...  But men ARE genetically and biologically different than women! They are much more visually stimulated.  If a hot woman walks past a married man and his jeans rub on him a certain way, his ! doesn't know he's married in that moment..

So from there I just thought well if the guy can look then so can the woman.  If its just a part of nature then it should be accepted because nature is beautiful.

To what extent I'd be willing to go with compersion, Im not sure.  But I want to be able to forgive a man that I love for cheating and would want for the man to forgive me too.  Not just forgive, but let go of any negative feelings about it. 

Yes, I think I could be ok with it.  At one point I was dating two men at the same time, it was the first time Ive ever done that.  

Whenever one of them would go cold/distant, I would chat or hangout with the other one.  I had feelings for both of them and experienced far less hurt than I ever have dating just one man.

Of course I want that one man who is my soulmate.. but I'm trying to be real with myself.