External perspective needed: what do you think of this situation?

[Amanda141]

Thanks to everyone for the insight.

Of course right now I cannot be 100% sure he is telling me the truth, but I have googled some other things he mentioned (his studies, work and achievements) and it’s all validated. Also the surgery operation he had to undergo is true because I clearly saw the scars. 
The ex-girlfriend story sounded genuine but I’ll be careful. 

i’ll follow my instinct! 

i’ll keep you guys updated  

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Not at all.  What if the situation were reversed and a woman said to a man she didn't want a relationship?  Would all men believe her?

Yes and the same thing goes for men.  There are a few men on this board now and in the past who also feel entitled to certain women.

[Sun Seeker]

Interesting story.

He told you he doesn't want a relationship but FWB at the start, and that's not because of what happened with his ex. It's a lot simpler, he wants to have sex without the attachment and responsibility, like most guys do. The whole story about the money etc could very well be true, but it looks a lot like a sympathy vote, to get you to agree that a relationship right now is not ideal, so he can continue getting what he wants.

A couple of evenings wining and dining and he got what he wanted, now it's time to slow things down a bit so you don't get too attached. He knows exactly what he's doing. I would proceed with caution.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think whether or not his story about his ex-girlfriend is true is beside the point, really. 

He told you he isn't looking for a relationship, OP. You would be wise to believe him. This is fun for now but not going to lead to dating, which he's made clear. If you are looking for something more serious, this isn't your guy. 

 

[hannabolics95]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

This is because he's still not over her.  

Agreed. OP is naive that thinks this man is opening up to her and being all vulnerable. This is a man that is just not over his ex and using OP as an emotional crutch. 

[hannabolics95]

Also stop having sympathy and worrying about a grown man's previous situation with his ex. Stop that right now. You are devaluing yourself. 

[elaine567]

Problem is with his 5 year serious relationship behind him he gives off a "relationship" vibe, that is why the OP sees potential.
He says and does the right things, he is polished, BUT he has made it plain all he can offer her is casual/FWB, but she is not listening.
She thinks all he needs is time and he will then turn out to be just what she wants.
However he is still spilling his guts over his ex a year later, OR he is spinning her a "victim" story. 
Neither is good. 
Neither shows a man who is ready for a healthy relationship.
He knows it, but the OP thinks she knows better...

Fun, a fling and FWB? Fine.

A serious relationship? NO

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Of course right now I cannot be 100% sure he is telling me the truth, but I have googled some other things he mentioned (his studies, work and achievements) and it’s all validated. Also the surgery operation he had to undergo is true because I clearly saw the scars.

I don't know if he is genuine or not, but I do know the best liars tend to sprinkle their "stories" with heavy doses of the truth.
They cover up their lies by mixing them in with verifiable facts.
Telling the truth about some stuff, means they don't need to make everything up and it is easier to keep track of.
It is also very helpful when challenged.
"My mother DOES live in Ireland and my brother IS a doctor."

[Girl Fade Away]

11 hours ago, Sun Seeker said:

.....a couple of evenings wining and dining and he got what he wanted, now it's time to slow things down a bit so you don't get too attached.

Well, it sounds like it's what they BOTH wanted, but I get what you're saying SS.

Nevertheless agree with bolded, it's solid advice.  

Edited December 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Amanda141]

UPDATE

i wished him merry xmas and he reciprocated and added that the vibe is a bit weird as his sister just got tested positive for covid  what do you suggest answering? I was thinking of saying that I’m sorry and that I’m here if he needs anything but I wonder if its too much as he said he doesnt want a relationship

Edited December 25, 2021 by Amanda141
Typo

[ExpatInItaly]

35 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

UPDATE

i wished him merry xmas and he reciprocated and added that the vibe is a bit weird as his sister just got tested positive for covid  what do you suggest answering? I was thinking of saying that I’m sorry and that I’m here if he needs anything but I wonder if its too much as he said he doesnt want a relationship

"I'm sorry to hear that, wishing her a fast and healthy recovery." 

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

UPDATE

i wished him merry xmas and he reciprocated and added that the vibe is a bit weird as his sister just got tested positive for covid  what do you suggest answering? I was thinking of saying that I’m sorry and that I’m here if he needs anything but I wonder if its too much as he said he doesnt want a relationship

Amanda, do you want a relationship? If you do, don't waste your time on him since he told you that he doesn't want one. If you are looking for something casual then you say that you are sorry to hear about his sister and leave it at that. Don't offer him any support or promise to be there for him. It is not your place. If he is interested, even in something casual with you, he knows where to reach you.

Edited December 25, 2021 by Alvi

[IrinaM]

don't respond. If you never texted this guy to wish Merry Christmas, do you think he would have contacted you to inquire about your holiday?

Instead of giving this man your (unearned) energy, put your energy into finding someone else. Then maybe you can spend next year actually spending Christmas with someone, instead of ruminating over sending someone a Merry Christmas text.

[LatinCoffee]

• Dont overthink...enjoy the holidays!! Go with the flow and see what happens!!

[bene]

A lot of good advice has been given here. He downright said that he doesn’t want a relationship and it’s a slippery slope to back pedal that you are suddenly OK with some kind of friends with benefits situation. Stick with what you want for yourself.

I know women find it flattering if a guy opens up to them, as if she is somehow special, as if she is the one to heal him. But I have found that some people might be perfectly OK with sharing their sob story with other people. It’s a classic that people confess all kinds if things to bartenders, hair dressers etc. Also, you have just met, you are not his therapist.

I don’t mean to come across as overly harsh but please consider these things.

[Trail Blazer]

You'll regret accepting a FWB arrangement if that's not what you were after.  You can't compromise on your relationship needs just because you met a guy who ticks most of your other boxes.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

You'll regret accepting a FWB arrangement if that's not what you were after.  You can't compromise on your relationship needs just because you met a guy who ticks most of your other boxes.

Agree, I recall rejecting a man I was super into at the time because our dating styles did not match. 

He wanted to "start out" as FWB and had a rotation of women he was seeing (despite claiming he felt a connection with me lol) and I date "one at a time" leading to a relationship.

So I chose to stop dating him and he actually respected me for it.  He tried to stay in touch but I moved on. 

Stay true to yourself Amanda, it's a mistake to twist yourself into whatever you think a particular man wants you to be.

I've tried that too and it never worked out and left me feeling like utter ****.

[Cali Lisa]

He accomplished his goal. He told you he wasn't looking for a relationship, he wanted something casual. He had it. It's over. Move on. He will be using you for sex until he gets over his ex. He is clearly not over her. His story is bullshit.