Why do men become attached ?

[Ami1uwant]

21 hours ago, Emma7897 said:

What’s lovebombing exactly? I’ve heard a lot of women’s definitions of it! But never heard a males point of view on it ? 

Love bo I g is in essence to say things to woo her you don’t really mean but it’s to either keep you around or try to manipulate you sort of reward response behavior modification like yo can see in training animals. Ie pavlovs dog experiments.

 

 

Edited December 18, 2021 by Ami1uwant

[dramafreezone]

21 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Nevertheless, I do believe most men struggle because of how they approach it and have no clue how they put women off or fail to appear attractive (it ain't your height, weight or money honey...or liking sci fi, etc.) which sets the bar pretty low.

 

No offense but there is some lack of awareness here.  Women will write in OLD profiles that they don't want a guy under a certain height or weight.  I know it's nice to say that women don't care about physical appearances but that's not true.  That said I don't even blame women for that, they are entitled to their preferences because everyone has preferences, but to say preferences don't exist is just fantasy.  I do agree that everyone needs to make the most of whatever they have, but some are far better suited to succeed with online dating than others.  

For two guys that have the same job, same hobbies, same level of education, one guy is 5'5'' and the other is 6'2'', the taller guy is going to get far more attention, and why wouldn't he?  Women prefer taller men to shorter men everything else being equal.  I'm not saying taller guys have all the women, only that being taller is an advantage.  Same with having a full head of hair, having the gift of gab, being naturally lean, those are all advantages. That's reality.  I'm not throwing a pity party for guys without those advantages but we just have to be realistic.

Edited December 18, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Girl Fade Away]

On 12/17/2021 at 10:25 AM, elaine567 said:

I think it is pretty natural and easy to get somewhat attached to  someone who has a lot of potential.
Someone who is out of the ordinary, someone who ticks a lot of boxes...

This is more in line with what I was thinking too.  

Meaning becoming 'attached' is subjective, and by attached I mean attracted and intrigued.  Beyond the physical you see from their photos and yes I have experienced this on line before meet.

BUT it was very rare when it happened and it depended on the man, myself and our energy while interacting on line.  Mental energy if you will since we have not met in person yet. 

So to ask "why do men get attached" - it's 'people' not just men and it's too general a statement to make.  Too broad. 

Again it's subjective, depends on the individuals and how they are vibing. 

That said, a person who gets attached to every single person they interact with on line probably needs professional help.

 

Edited December 18, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

On 12/17/2021 at 12:17 PM, SumGuy said:

My experience is not this nor those I know, but it maybe just a group thing, a birds-of-a-feather thing.  I am actually very amazed on how well the other single 40+ divorced men I know do in dating.  One that upfront I thought he is doomed based on internes "wisdom" about negative traits like weight, avg height, money, hair, age, "baggage", etc.  Turned out not to be the case.  His GF is amazing, and he is a really nice guy.  Same with a guy I now who likes casual+ not in shape or a lot of money but he is 6'2".  The guy that kind of know who struggles (and has very negative attitude about the whole thing) is very wealthy, tall and decent shape and is into being masculine (always on about masculine and feminine traits). 

My conclusion is what makes men successful has nothing to do with what the peanut gallery thinks and that men fail because they buy into the peanut gallery...that and like the guy who struggles they are so into themselves and their worldview (which reality constantly shows is wrong but their reaction is to try to force reality to conform).  

Nevertheless, I do believe most men struggle because of how they approach it and have no clue how they put women off or fail to appear attractive (it ain't your height, weight or money honey...or liking sci fi, etc.) which sets the bar pretty low.

 

CAVEAT: Unless of course one is fishing in the hook-up, ONS, sugar daddy dating pool, then sure it is all about looks and perceived wealth.

@SumGuyjust want to say I agree with you. 

Sure women post on their profile they want tall or whatever but hasn't it been said a zillion times that what women 'say' they want and what actually attracts them are rarely the same? 

The missing element for a lot of men is good energy and knowing how to attract women on an emotional level that goes beyond what you refer to as superficial 'peanut gallery" attributes - height, hair, wealth, status, etc.

Men rely on those peanut gallery traits and unfortunately have not learned the basic laws of attraction. 

When I did OLD and now out and about meeting men, when I meet a man and spend time chatting, when I get home, do you think I am thinking about how tall he was or how much hair he had or even how good looking he was? 

No!  I am thinking about his energy, his vibe, how we connected, how we vibed, ever so briefly. 

Given two men, one 5'5" and the other 6'2", I will chat with both and choose the one I vibed and connected with better.  

And contrary to popular opinion, there are many hot guys of shorter stature, with gorgeous shaved heads and average jobs who know how to successfully attract the ladies, and do!   

 

[jdesey]

I’ll tell you exactly why.  There’s an old saying. 
Women are with the men they choose men are with women they can be. So basically men just have a hell of a lot less options. So yes we tend to get attached real fast. 

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, jdesey said:

I’ll tell you exactly why.  There’s an old saying. 
Women are with the men they choose men are with women they can be. So basically men just have a hell of a lot less options. So yes we tend to get attached real fast. 

There's also and old saying:

Women are the gate keepers to sex and men are the gate keepers to relationships and marriage.  I've found this to be true.  There are a lot of women who have settled for men they were marginally attracted to in order to be married and start a family before time runs out while holding a torch for another man.

[Woggle]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

There's also and old saying:

Women are the gate keepers to sex and men are the gate keepers to relationships and marriage.  I've found this to be true.  There are a lot of women who have settled for men they were marginally attracted to in order to be married and start a family before time runs out while holding a torch for another man.

Being that settle guy is pretty much the worst case scenario for a man. Being madly in love with a woman who desires you is the best of course but if it is between being a settle guy provider or a player who makes her wet the latter is the better option.

[GuitarGuy7]

When I was 20 years old, I used to become attached to women very fast. I remember signing up for Tinder for the very first time and when I matched with a girl, I would immediately fall for her. I would start fantasizing about our future life together and how she was going to be my girlfriend and we would hold hands, kiss, and snuggle together, etc...  And when the girl would inevitably stop replying to my messages (which it always happened) I would be completely devastated. It was this intense feeling of pain, sadness, loss, etc...  

So overtime, I learned that dating is very cut throat and that forming emotional attachments to women is a terrible idea. If you form emotional attachments, especially too early, you get burned. 

[Ami1uwant]

On 12/18/2021 at 5:08 PM, Girl Fade Away said:

@SumGuyjust want to say I agree with you. 

Sure women post on their profile they want tall or whatever but hasn't it been said a zillion times that what women 'say' they want and what actually attracts them are rarely the same? 

The missing element for a lot of men is good energy and knowing how to attract women on an emotional level that goes beyond what you refer to as superficial 'peanut gallery" attributes - height, hair, wealth, status, etc.

Men rely on those peanut gallery traits and unfortunately have not learned the basic laws of attraction. 

When I did OLD and now out and about meeting men, when I meet a man and spend time chatting, when I get home, do you think I am thinking about how tall he was or how much hair he had or even how good looking he was? 

No!  I am thinking about his energy, his vibe, how we connected, how we vibed, ever so briefly. 

Given two men, one 5'5" and the other 6'2", I will chat with both and choose the one I vibed and connected with better.  

And contrary to popular opinion, there are many hot guys of shorter stature, with gorgeous shaved heads and average jobs who know how to successfully attract the ladies, and do!   

 

As a man I’ve had different experiences.  I’m more driving by emotional connections and conversation than pure lust/ attraction.  Over the years I had numerous dates that didn’t amount to much.  
 

men who respect women as something more than sex objects don’t feel/ think like you might be perceiving 
 

I believe if roles were reversed and it was women’s job to do what the men have to do things might be different.  Women want equality but they still want old fashioned junk in dating.

 

 

 

 

[elaine567]

14 hours ago, Woggle said:

t if it is between being a settle guy provider or a player who makes her wet the latter is the better option.

Is it?
Plenty guys have been ditched for being poor providers.
Who cares about sex when there is no money to live on for her and her kids?
Sex goes out the window pretty quickly with a man who is not pulling his financial weight.
Yes women can be very good single parents, but the optimal environment for child rearing is to have two involved parents. 
Men need to be able to provide, that is their main job if we look at the bigger picture.

[Els]

15 hours ago, Woggle said:

Being that settle guy is pretty much the worst case scenario for a man. Being madly in love with a woman who desires you is the best of course but if it is between being a settle guy provider or a player who makes her wet the latter is the better option.

I mean, this was essentially the core component of marriage even just a couple of centuries ago - it's a business transaction of sorts, she bears children for him and looks after the home, he provides the home and the food on the table. I don't agree with it, obviously, especially in 2021... but it's hard to say that it's the "worst case scenario" for EVERY man, considering that centuries upon centuries of a patriarchal society have happily held on to that dynamic. Some guys apparently would rather have a woman who cooks and cleans and births lots of children for them, than a woman who gets turned on by them. /shrug

[SumGuy]

On 12/17/2021 at 10:20 PM, Ami1uwant said:

How did these friends meet these women?

 

the issue with online has a lot todo with how people decide or choose.  
 

research work in consumer behavior mirror things you can see in OLD.  Many times peop,e pass over perfectly good choices in search of something perfect under the guise of not wanting to settle.

The ones who are successful in meeting women and the guy who struggles all did and do it through OLD. 

The guy who struggles blames it on OLD but he does no better in real life. To be fair, he has a long list of things he blames...funny how his personality with women never makes the list.

The guy who I was amazed found someone so easily he did via OLD (like very quickly after he got divorced) and still with her, he is very much a relationship guy.

The casual+ guy, OLD is how he does it...works well for him.

Heck I found OLD made it easy, far easier than in the days before it existed (all the bad behavior people attribute to OLD existed before, just now there is a lack of transparency in why they flake or say no so one's head spins out all sorts of stuff...) and did real life as well when started dating again and OLD just as good if not better for me.  Just FYI I found my person via OLD.

[SumGuy]

On 12/18/2021 at 1:07 PM, dramafreezone said:

No offense but there is some lack of awareness here.  Women will write in OLD profiles that they don't want a guy under a certain height or weight.  I know it's nice to say that women don't care about physical appearances but that's not true.  ....

No lack of awareness, different focus.  So what there are women who write this?  Sure focus on that and them if you want.   Ignore those women, also ignore those who want something you are not into.  I see far more requirements for being into certain activities than height minimum and weight maximums.

Also I did not say women don't care about physical appearance, men just get it wrong on how they care and what they care about. 

In my view most men project their view of what is important physically and how important it is onto what women want.  Sure you can find women who say they want 6'+ guys only.  Plenty, vast majority in my expereince, don't care.  Now they may like a guy who is taller, but if the average height of women is 5'2"-5'4" where I live that is pretty easy bar.   Know plenty of guys who are under 5'8" who do fine, never had issues...if you ask them they say it is not being short that is an issue, it is having a short guy complex that is.

On can't fix ones height, and although one can fix ones weight (even if it is not easy) one can simply seek out a woman of comparable weight.  Also believe it or not a lot of women who are super fit, do not turn down overweight men because of the weight, but a much or more so in the lifestyle it implies.  One doesn't stay super fit but being inactive (doubly so for women).

Or if one truly believes physical appearance is what it is all about...then the day one has hit the gym for a year, got buff, and well dressed (doesn't take money just a fashion sense...which one can look up on line) then start bemoaning ones state...because if physical appearance is it then men have no reason to ever complain as that is purely within their control.  Alas once they achieve the looks they may still not succeed, then what does one blame then?  To say looks is most of it then do nothing about ones looks and complain about how it is about looks, sounds like asking for life to be served on a silver platter.

[SumGuy]

On 12/18/2021 at 5:08 PM, Girl Fade Away said:

@SumGuyjust want to say I agree with you. 

Sure women post on their profile they want tall or whatever but hasn't it been said a zillion times that what women 'say' they want and what actually attracts them are rarely the same? 

The missing element for a lot of men is good energy and knowing how to attract women on an emotional level that goes beyond what you refer to as superficial 'peanut gallery" attributes - height, hair, wealth, status, etc.

Men rely on those peanut gallery traits and unfortunately have not learned the basic laws of attraction. 

....

Thanks @Girl Fade Away  Although in general avoided women who set such height bars (heck even if I met it) have reached out to those who listed such things and although my profile had my true height would always mention if did no meet their minimum, was amazed how many times it didn't matter to them once you could connect.

I always thought the emotional connection part was easy (and the fun part to me), but apparently it is not.

[SumGuy]

16 hours ago, Woggle said:

Being that settle guy is pretty much the worst case scenario for a man. Being madly in love with a woman who desires you is the best of course but if it is between being a settle guy provider or a player who makes her wet the latter is the better option.

It's a false dichotomy.  You can be a provider and make her wet.  In fact, I'd venture that women want both.   There will always be men and women who use others, who care nothing for them as people but only what they provide, be it a provider of $ (for your stereotypical woman who uses men) or a provider of sex (for your stereotypical man who uses women).  Yes avoid those people, let them mess up each others lives.  There are plenty of people who are not like that and to paint either gender with a broad brush like that (as if it is some universal aspect of all men or women...it isn't just those subset of men and women to avoid) does a disservice to ones self in the dating world.  

[Girl Fade Away]

11 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Although in general avoided women who set such height bars (heck even if I met it) have reached out to those who listed such things and although my profile had my true height would always mention if did no meet their minimum, was amazed how many times it didn't matter to them once you could connect.

I was just about to post that!   I can almost guarantee those same women who have a 6'+ height requirement on their profile or even with respect to meeting men IRL, should they meet a man with whom they share a great chemistry/energy/vibe, that requirement goes right out the window.  

I have seen it happen even with a few women on this forum!   Those checklists are so arbitrary, when I did OLD I didn't have such a checklist, my profile was creative and personalized.  I focused more on how we vibed, and a couple of times, I felt that great vibe immediately. 

Yes, ON LINE.  It does happen.  Don't ask me how, I suppose a mental energy of sorts.  But I have felt it almost immediately upon chatting with them.  In one case, even BEFORE seeing their picture (it was not on a dating app).

 

 

Edited December 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

Having been around female friends for a number of years, and based on personal experience, it has been my observation that a large part of what emotionally attracts men to women is that they feel empowered to be their best selves around them.

He needs to know he is valued, honored, and that he is enough.

Date him for who he is, not for his potential.

Of course, there are many other components.

I am sure every man has their own experience.

But that's just one that comes to mind.

Edited December 20, 2021 by Alpaca

[dramafreezone]

55 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

No lack of awareness, different focus.  So what there are women who write this?  Sure focus on that and them if you want.   Ignore those women, also ignore those who want something you are not into.  I see far more requirements for being into certain activities than height minimum and weight maximums.

Also I did not say women don't care about physical appearance, men just get it wrong on how they care and what they care about. 

In my view most men project their view of what is important physically and how important it is onto what women want.  Sure you can find women who say they want 6'+ guys only.  Plenty, vast majority in my expereince, don't care.  Now they may like a guy who is taller, but if the average height of women is 5'2"-5'4" where I live that is pretty easy bar.   Know plenty of guys who are under 5'8" who do fine, never had issues...if you ask them they say it is not being short that is an issue, it is having a short guy complex that is.

On can't fix ones height, and although one can fix ones weight (even if it is not easy) one can simply seek out a woman of comparable weight.  Also believe it or not a lot of women who are super fit, do not turn down overweight men because of the weight, but a much or more so in the lifestyle it implies.  One doesn't stay super fit but being inactive (doubly so for women).

Or if one truly believes physical appearance is what it is all about...then the day one has hit the gym for a year, got buff, and well dressed (doesn't take money just a fashion sense...which one can look up on line) then start bemoaning ones state...because if physical appearance is it then men have no reason to ever complain as that is purely within their control.  Alas once they achieve the looks they may still not succeed, then what does one blame then?  To say looks is most of it then do nothing about ones looks and complain about how it is about looks, sounds like asking for life to be served on a silver platter.

I actually agree with all of this.  I just get a bit irked with the idea that you should easily ignore women that you're attracted to if they don't reciprocate interest.  In fact it is not easy, especially if you believe it's due to an insecurity that you already have.  I think what I see as the lack of awareness, is a lack of acknowledgement that this is difficult for many guys to deal with.

It's like when naturally confident people say "just be confident" or people who are naturally personable say "just be yourself."  That type of comment is a very insensitive thing to say, and demonstrates that person doesn't see the gift that they have.  While there is some sense of "faking it until you make it," for guys that don't have that quality naturally it's actually hard work and requires committment, attention, and accumulated successes for confidence to actually build.  Similarly, to avoid attachment to women quickly, it requires concerted effort for many guys, it's not an easy thing to do at all.  If your experience has been different, then you're probably don't have the best perspective on how to deal with attaching quickly.  If someone is a natural at something, then they don't know how they're so good at what they do, it's just been a way of life for them.

[Uruktopi]

On 12/20/2021 at 3:42 PM, Alpaca said:

Having been around female friends for a number of years, and based on personal experience, it has been my observation that a large part of what emotionally attracts men to women is that they feel empowered to be their best selves around them.

He needs to know he is valued, honored, and that he is enough.

Date him for who he is, not for his potential.

Of course, there are many other components.

I am sure every man has their own experience.

But that's just one that comes to mind.

Wise.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 12/16/2021 at 6:04 PM, Ami1uwant said:

This happens with both sexes equally. Why does it happen

 

1 generally younger or inexperienced with OLD

2. they felt a connection with you in talking

3. they liked your photos

4.  Wanting a serious romantic relationship.  Lonely is not the same thing.  They might have tried dating and couldn’t find anyone it worked with. They have friends but they don’t have romance/ love that probably friend phDs have either engaged/ married now.

 

 

 

It probably isn't accurate to suggest "this happens with both sexes equally".

 

Women have faaaaaaaaaar more prospects lingering about, and the necessary mindset is to perceive nearly all of them as "just friends" while those women pursue romance with whomever they choose.

 

Men, naturally, have zero interest in being mere 'friends' with women they would not rather be banging.

 

Ergo, all of those men hovering/lingering  around are in a sense "attached"  while women, for reasons of supply and demand, do not have to work that way, and thus they typically do not.

 

Those men are not your friends.

 

They perceive themselves as being in line for your romantic interest.

 

Learn it, know it, live it    (in the words of the legendary Brad Hamilton)

On 12/16/2021 at 6:04 PM, Ami1uwant said:

 

 

 

 

[Emma7897]

Every time I date a guy , before meeting he becomes attached like planning trips, some say they love me, and etc. when the dates happen they all are very touchy and try to kiss me ? I know some men and women kiss on the first date if there feeling it and have a connection? But these men just jump in it with me ? Am I dating wrong ? Or is it the men I’m picking ? I’m gen Z that maybe has a lot to do with it ?  

[Gaeta]

What do you tell them when they start planning trips before even meeting? You need to speak up. If they don't stop you move to next. 

[smackie9]

Stop yackin with these guys for weeks before meeting. Have a policy, send message, exchange a few things about each other, plan date. If a guy starts with good morning texts, and all the mumbo jumbo when you haven't met yet, next them. They are love bombing you to get in your pants. A gentleman/level headed guy would ask you out on a date and get to know you on the date.

You are not dating wrong, you need to date smarter.

Edited December 22, 2021 by smackie9

[Emma7897]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Stop yackin with these guys for weeks before meeting. Have a policy, send message, exchange a few things about each other, plan date. If a guy starts with good morning texts, and all the mumbo jumbo when you haven't met yet, next them. They are love bombing you to get in your pants. A gentleman/level headed guy would ask you out on a date and get to know you on the date.

You are not dating wrong, you need to date smarter.

They hurry and try to take me out on a date ! I like to talk to a person for at least a week or two to decide if I want to go out on a date with them . 

[Emma7897]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What do you tell them when they start planning trips before even meeting? You need to speak up. If they don't stop you move to next. 

I do speak up !!