Dating tennis partner

[Charles_moeller]

There’s this girl I’ve played tennis with for about 2 months now. We get on great and have good chemistry. However for most of the time we’ve interacted I was in a relationship so I never took it further with her (she knew about this too)

now I’m single and ready to get back into dating I want to ask her out but don’t know how since I’ve friendzoned her for so long. I feel like it’s been platonic for too long..we went out last Sunday and there was flirting (laughing, touching, hugging, etc) and I’m meeting her again this Saturday to play tennis.

I was thinking of telling her “last week was great, I got to learn a lot about you and am keen to take you out again. When you get back from holidays let’s go on a date” and just see what she says.

keen to hear other people’s opinions on this. I don’t want to put pressure on her but since we’ve met a few times already to steer this in another direction I thought she might like me to be a bit direct and confident with it. She’s pretty high up in the corporate world and independent so she doesn’t seem to be the type to mess around...

 

 

 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Charles_moeller said:

“last week was great, I got to learn a lot about you and am keen to take you out again. When you get back from holidays let’s go on a date”

I think this is perfect and I'll bet she's eager for you to ask her out again.  Go for it.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Charles_moeller said:

There’s this girl I’ve played tennis with for about 2 months now. However for most of the time we’ve interacted I was in a relationship

How long ago did you break up?

First before lunging into "let's go on a date when you get back from holidays", does she know you're not still in a relationship?

Are you still talking to your ex?

 Before asking her put make sure you have no unfinished business, including your ex on social media, etc. and that you're not just on/off and this tennis partner is a convenient fill-in.

 When she returns from her holidays, start by simply asking to go for coffee. 

[Calmandfocused]

4 hours ago, Charles_moeller said:

There’s this girl I’ve played tennis with for about 2 months now. We get on great and have good chemistry. However for most of the time we’ve interacted I was in a relationship so I never took it further with her (she knew about this too)

now I’m single and ready to get back into dating I want to ask her out but don’t know how since I’ve friendzoned her for so long. I feel like it’s been platonic for too long..we went out last Sunday and there was flirting (laughing, touching, hugging, etc) and I’m meeting her again this Saturday to play tennis.

I was thinking of telling her “last week was great, I got to learn a lot about you and am keen to take you out again. When you get back from holidays let’s go on a date” and just see what she says.

keen to hear other people’s opinions on this. I don’t want to put pressure on her but since we’ve met a few times already to steer this in another direction I thought she might like me to be a bit direct and confident with it. She’s pretty high up in the corporate world and independent so she doesn’t seem to be the type to mess around...

 

 

 

I’m baffled as the way you write suggests that you have known this woman a long time. I don’t get it? Reality is you’ve known her 8 weeks. She’s not a lifelong friend. 
 

So If my calculations are correct  you have only JUST gotten out of a relationship. You haven’t been single 5 mins yet you’re ready to date again? Again you talk about your relationship as if it was a long time ago?? It wasn’t. 

Anyway don’t be surprised if this woman is not interested in you until you at least spend a bit of time on your own to heal. She’s probably very suspicious that you’re trying to use her for a rebound. I don’t blame her. 
 

Jumping from one relationship to another raises red flags in the eyes of the beholder. 
 

 

Edited December 15, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[glows]

What can be better than flirting and tennis. I love tennis. Please ask her out. You never know but be wary and don't rush things. 

I'm sure she can take care of herself. If she's not comfortable or doesn't like you she'll let you know.

[smackie9]

Slow your roll. Just keep it casual...ask her to join you for a refreshing drink at a juice bar and hang out. Ease yourself into it.

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, Charles_moeller said:

There’s this girl I’ve played tennis with for about 2 months now. We get on great and have good chemistry. However for most of the time we’ve interacted I was in a relationship so I never took it further with her (she knew about this too)

now I’m single and ready to get back into dating I want to ask her out but don’t know how since I’ve friendzoned her for so long. I feel like it’s been platonic for too long..we went out last Sunday and there was flirting (laughing, touching, hugging, etc) and I’m meeting her again this Saturday to play tennis.

I was thinking of telling her “last week was great, I got to learn a lot about you and am keen to take you out again. When you get back from holidays let’s go on a date” and just see what she says.

keen to hear other people’s opinions on this. I don’t want to put pressure on her but since we’ve met a few times already to steer this in another direction I thought she might like me to be a bit direct and confident with it. She’s pretty high up in the corporate world and independent so she doesn’t seem to be the type to mess around...

 

 

 

Share the fact you broke up and see how she reacts.

[Versacehottie]

It sounds like you already hang out as friends, right?  I would share the fact that you broke up in conversation for sure.  Find more reasons to be texting on an everyday basis about normal life stuff, funny things, sharing your day, asking about hers.  And also do what is already your inclination: ask her out on a date. I think the sentence you've suggested is great.  I'm 50/50 on whether you should set one for "when she gets back from the holidays" or just ask when she does.  Like one has the anticipation factor (assuming she is all in) and the other has the spontaneous factor...Actually both are good things and if she really likes you as well it really shouldn't matter which route you choose.  

What is your hesitation?

The only thing I can think of her hesitation assuming she is attracted to you in general and sees you as someone she would date is that she might be worried that you are rebounding.  maybe she wouldn't mind if some time had gone by and she was more sure that you were over your relationship...in other words, she might not want to date you right now and risk messing up your friendship (or lose a tennis partner!) if you aren't healed really.  If you sense that is the case, you should play a longer game lol....let the friendship develop a lot more and show her that you are over your relationship--in a healthy way--ie badmouthing the ex or all that unhealthy stuff actually indicates the opposite. Good luck!

[Charles_moeller]

On 12/17/2021 at 1:48 AM, Versacehottie said:

It sounds like you already hang out as friends, right?  I would share the fact that you broke up in conversation for sure.  Find more reasons to be texting on an everyday basis about normal life stuff, funny things, sharing your day, asking about hers.  And also do what is already your inclination: ask her out on a date. I think the sentence you've suggested is great.  I'm 50/50 on whether you should set one for "when she gets back from the holidays" or just ask when she does.  Like one has the anticipation factor (assuming she is all in) and the other has the spontaneous factor...Actually both are good things and if she really likes you as well it really shouldn't matter which route you choose.  

What is your hesitation?

The only thing I can think of her hesitation assuming she is attracted to you in general and sees you as someone she would date is that she might be worried that you are rebounding.  maybe she wouldn't mind if some time had gone by and she was more sure that you were over your relationship...in other words, she might not want to date you right now and risk messing up your friendship (or lose a tennis partner!) if you aren't healed really.  If you sense that is the case, you should play a longer game lol....let the friendship develop a lot more and show her that you are over your relationship--in a healthy way--ie badmouthing the ex or all that unhealthy stuff actually indicates the opposite. Good luck!

Very relatable comment here thank you.

I asked her out earlier this week. She brushed it off and just said “see you at tennis” which was tonight and I just got back home.

you’re correct. On the walk home she’s mentioned being keen but thinks I’m rebounding her.. she’s an older woman (36) and very independent and has her act together so she just said it’s too soon for me to be looking, need to be comfortable alone, etc but thinks we have a “connection”

She also texted straight after and says she “values our friendship and cares about me” 

my question now is what do I do? Haha... I actually like this girl a lot and she knows it. We’ve been flirting a lot and I’ve been pretty direct with intentions. It seems to me she doesn’t think it’s the right time and wants to be friends. I don’t want to pretend to be someone’s friend though when you know deep down that you’re lieing to yourself to make someone else happy.

Edited December 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Charles_moeller said:

On the walk home she’s mentioned being keen but thinks I’m rebounding her.. she just said it’s too soon for me to be looking, need to be comfortable alone, 

She also texted straight after and says she “values our friendship and cares about me” 

Unfortunately this is the friendzone speech. A bit of an honest twist about the rebounding, so she gave you good advice.

[Charles_moeller]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is the friendzone speech. A bit of an honest twist about the rebounding, so she gave you good advice.

So how am I supposed to play it?

we were never really friends... most of the interactions have been flirting/showing interest. I would of understood if it was vanilla the whole way through and then I sprung it on her...

she said she likes me too but she’s been pretty upfront with all the above reasons.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Charles_moeller said:

Very relatable comment here thank you.

I asked her out earlier this week. She brushed it off and just said “see you at tennis” which was tonight and I just got back home.

you’re correct. On the walk home she’s mentioned being keen but thinks I’m rebounding her.. she’s an older woman (36) and very independent and has her s*** together so she just said it’s too soon for me to be looking, need to be comfortable alone, etc but thinks we have a “connection”

She also texted straight after and says she “values our friendship and cares about me” 

my question now is what do I do? Haha... I actually like this girl a lot and she knows it. We’ve been flirting a lot and I’ve been pretty direct with intentions. It seems to me she doesn’t think it’s the right time and wants to be friends. I don’t want to pretend to be someone’s friend though when you know deep down that you’re lieing to yourself to make someone else happy.

lol well it was a good guess Listen, I think you really like her, you guys have chemistry and there's something there.  I think you just have to be patient. I would continue on EXACTLY as you have been or a little distant but not aloof if that makes sense. It should look like you are working on yourself and processing your feelings but that you enjoy yourself when you are around her. You guys can be flirty friends until the time is right. Why couldn't you wait a little bit? No harm 

I'm guessing it also couldn't hurt to let her get to know you in friendly way just because she will trust you more as she gets to know you. Also a friendship is a great base for a relationship. Plus don't you realistically need some time to figure your sh8t out?  How long were you together with your previous gf? 

I have to say I sort of agree with the girl you like.  Lol I like her so far haha. I actually trust exactly what she says. I think she likes you just probably needs more time to see where your head is and that you are over your ex-gf. I don't see friend zone vibes from this necessarily though it could go there eventually. There's no guarantee. A lot can happen in a handful of months. I'd say keep the flirting as it is. I'd be surprised if by remaining the same if she doesn't amp it up in the future. Maybe 2-3months depending on how often you interact. I think if you keep up the flirting (without being a creep or desperate/just confident), there will come a right moment in about 3 months when you could ask her out again. And that's what I would recommend. Good luck

[glows]

Meet other partners for tennis and get out there meeting single, available women if you want to date. 

If she doesn’t want to date you move on. For goodness sake, don’t internalize what she said. 

[Charles_moeller]

On 12/19/2021 at 10:21 AM, Versacehottie said:

lol well it was a good guess Listen, I think you really like her, you guys have chemistry and there's something there.  I think you just have to be patient. I would continue on EXACTLY as you have been or a little distant but not aloof if that makes sense. It should look like you are working on yourself and processing your feelings but that you enjoy yourself when you are around her. You guys can be flirty friends until the time is right. Why couldn't you wait a little bit? No harm 

I'm guessing it also couldn't hurt to let her get to know you in friendly way just because she will trust you more as she gets to know you. Also a friendship is a great base for a relationship. Plus don't you realistically need some time to figure your sh8t out?  How long were you together with your previous gf? 

I have to say I sort of agree with the girl you like.  Lol I like her so far haha. I actually trust exactly what she says. I think she likes you just probably needs more time to see where your head is and that you are over your ex-gf. I don't see friend zone vibes from this necessarily though it could go there eventually. There's no guarantee. A lot can happen in a handful of months. I'd say keep the flirting as it is. I'd be surprised if by remaining the same if she doesn't amp it up in the future. Maybe 2-3months depending on how often you interact. I think if you keep up the flirting (without being a creep or desperate/just confident), there will come a right moment in about 3 months when you could ask her out again. And that's what I would recommend. Good luck

Great advice here thank you and yeah she’s awesome. Very head strong and is high quality. She thinks things through where clearly I’m like “pretty girl I got to have her!” Haha. I may have read your message a bit late though... 

I dropped her a text and was just honest. I said I think she’s great, I value her a lot and really enjoy our time together. However I’m sexually attracted to you and it’s a hard one because I have to pretend I’m not to keep seeing each other which I don’t think I can do. I’m leaving the door open if you change your mind and hope you understand.

I thought this way my intentions are clear, I’m not being needy by pressuring her into something she doesn’t want to do. It’s an open door if she wishes to go through it and that way I don’t feel bad when we keep meeting up and pretend to be her friend. I think she’d rather know who she’s seeing then hiding how we feel.

im gutted that I’m going to possibly lose her but it is what it is. I am taking her advice too. I walked out of my last relationship, took a new job, got a new house, dropped friends that don’t need to be there and am spring cleaning my life. I wasn’t actually looking for someone else but it’s just a welcomed coincidence that she fits the criteria.

thanks all again for the support here! If this turns around and becomes a love story you will be the first to know haha

Edited December 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Versacehottie]

ok I don't really see that big of a problem with what you did either. Honesty and confidence are always a plus. Obviously you will see her at tennis right? or will you not play with her anymore? 

Again I would be surprised if nothing happens in about 3 months (lol maybe 4 now that you hail mary'd).....All of that is given that both of your lives stay relatively the same...ie you don't meet someone, she doesn't meet someone and neither moves away or has some other big upheaval.   Her hesitation is that you are not over your gf, as time goes on that hesitation will diminish.  (so if you do date others, I'd recommend keeping it on the WAY down low---the last thing you want to look like is a guy who can't be alone or is desperately on the rebound; also definitely don't date any other girls from your circle or it will get back to her somehow which is not a good look for your cause; lol guys always underestimate the power of girls to get/trade this info! )

I suppose you could date though I would keep it as far away from her line of view as possible.  You're in image revamp mode!  Haha not like you need a true image revamp but right now the concern is that you are rebounding so you want to make sure the messages you are sending out about yourself don't indicate that you are (questionable women, back to back women, women from the same friend group as she is, etc). If she's smart she won't be worried about any of those types in that initial timeframe, she will just lose respect for you and think she's done the right thing by not dating you. If you go about your dating business quietly and not on anyone's radar basically, she will be wondering if you are ACTUALLY healing yourself and her respect for you will grow.  AND she will worry that if she doesn't snap you in the crucial time period between where it's logical that you are over your ex and before some other a-list girl DOES snap you up.  If you are on social media make sure that it reflects the ideas that I'm saying here (presuming you like this advice).   If you are slightly at arms length while presenting yourself as a catch by showing the best of yourself she will connect the dots (by not knowing what you are up to when not in her presence) that you are surely dating others which will make her nervous in a good way.

Since you did your speech, I would dial down on the flirting if you see her in person.  It will go hand in hand with you being serious and holding the line with what you said, ie she will be less secure that if she doesn't make a move at some point in the future, she will miss her chance with you. And this is a good thing essential (though it might not feel good exactly). Her respect should grow because it won't look like you are looking for ego boosts by flirting with her even though you gave the speech: which reinforces the idea that you really believe she was/is special. Never acted dejected, bitter, unconfident. That's why you need to be able to be "friendly" IMO if you are going to be in each other's presence. It's ok to keep your distance or be mostly about the tennis.  You should keep showing your good sides in a general sense because the other idea is that seeing you in your element and how you interact with others (and herself) without the pressure to answer the dating question of the two of you should and I believe will draw her toward you.  Good luck! And yes I would love to hear that it's worked out

Edited December 19, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Charles_moeller]

34 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

ok I don't really see that big of a problem with what you did either. Honesty and confidence are always a plus. Obviously you will see her at tennis right? or will you not play with her anymore? 

Again I would be surprised if nothing happens in about 3 months (lol maybe 4 now that you hail mary'd).....All of that is given that both of your lives stay relatively the same...ie you don't meet someone, she doesn't meet someone and neither moves away or has some other big upheaval.   Her hesitation is that you are not over your gf, as time goes on that hesitation will diminish.  (so if you do date others, I'd recommend keeping it on the WAY down low---the last thing you want to look like is a guy who can't be alone or is desperately on the rebound; also definitely don't date any other girls from your circle or it will get back to her somehow which is not a good look for your cause; lol guys always underestimate the power of girls to get/trade this info! )

I suppose you could date though I would keep it as far away from her line of view as possible.  You're in image revamp mode!  Haha not like you need a true image revamp but right now the concern is that you are rebounding so you want to make sure the messages you are sending out about yourself don't indicate that you are (questionable women, back to back women, women from the same friend group as she is, etc). If she's smart she won't be worried about any of those types in that initial timeframe, she will just lose respect for you and think she's done the right thing by not dating you. If you go about your dating business quietly and not on anyone's radar basically, she will be wondering if you are ACTUALLY healing yourself and her respect for you will grow.  AND she will worry that if she doesn't snap you in the crucial time period between where it's logical that you are over your ex and before some other a-list girl DOES snap you up.  If you are on social media make sure that it reflects the ideas that I'm saying here (presuming you like this advice).   If you are slightly at arms length while presenting yourself as a catch by showing the best of yourself she will connect the dots (by not knowing what you are up to when not in her presence) that you are surely dating others which will make her nervous in a good way.

Since you did your speech, I would dial down on the flirting if you see her in person.  It will go hand in hand with you being serious and holding the line with what you said, ie she will be less secure that if she doesn't make a move at some point in the future, she will miss her chance with you. And this is a good thing essential (though it might not feel good exactly). Her respect should grow because it won't look like you are looking for ego boosts by flirting with her even though you gave the speech: which reinforces the idea that you really believe she was/is special. Never acted dejected, bitter, unconfident. That's why you need to be able to be "friendly" IMO if you are going to be in each other's presence. It's ok to keep your distance or be mostly about the tennis.  You should keep showing your good sides in a general sense because the other idea is that seeing you in your element and how you interact with others (and herself) without the pressure to answer the dating question of the two of you should and I believe will draw her toward you.  Good luck! And yes I would love to hear that it's worked out

I Love how invested you are into this haha thanks for all the advice and insight into the female psyche

She gave a 2 word answer to the text and just said “I understand” with tennis it’s a meet up group type thing so me and this girl will not be having any contact at all since I’ve been pretty direct (unless she decides to text me for a meet up) This makes me a bit anxious I’ve got admit and I’ve got a small amount of guilt thinking I’ve ruined time with an awesome person..do you think the message I sent was a bit too pressuring? It comes off as we’re lovers or nothing and I don’t want her to run scared haha. 

part of me felt like I could of carried on playing with her but it would be under her terms and the assumption I’m cool just being friends so I didn’t want to give mixed messages with where my heads at

 

also this no contact rule. If I don’t hear from her in that time frame should I reach out to her or just move on? (Over these next few months I’m under the assumption we won’t be together as it helps to just pick life back up and not have a scarcity mindset but always interested to know as she’s cool)

Edited December 19, 2021 by Charles_moeller
Edit

[Versacehottie]

Lol, it's refreshing I guess to have a new sort of dilemma here, new face and something that's actually solvable

Well, yeah what else was she supposed to say?  She respects your position----and is firm in hers..at least for now.  

8 hours ago, Charles_moeller said:

I said I think she’s great, I value her a lot and really enjoy our time together. However I’m sexually attracted to you and it’s a hard one because I have to pretend I’m not to keep seeing each other which I don’t think I can do. I’m leaving the door open if you change your mind and hope you understand.

As long as all you said was the above, I still don't see much of a problem really....I guess because it's vague enough of what your plan is regarding her going forward. I think one of the biggest mistakes guys make is being SO afraid of being "friend zoned" that they feel like they cannot be in someone's life or else.  Long game, my friend, long game.  Look at it like this: if you act like you cannot be friends it also indicates that a) this has been done to you before, ie you are afraid of the friend zone because you END up there..not such a great selling point b) you are operating in the scarcity mindset territory, as if your chance with her or another a-list girl won't be along momentarily (by this version of an ultimatum). c) you close off the opportunity to continue to flirt with her and have her get to know you. d) you're likely underestimating the value that many girls who are interested & worthy of a serious relationship put on the friendship component of a relationship e) you've cut yourself off at the knees to showing her that you are in fact OVER your last relationship, ie now without more regular contact it will be harder. e) a truly confident guy with every belief in himself as a good catch and a good one for this woman and a believer in their real chemistry would likely think: eventually I'm going to turn things around with her!

hmmmm, well i wouldn't take it as too pressuring..since it was vague enough as what you intend to doing going forward, ie didn't address that part.  That said, you've really backed yourself into a corner. Sounds like you can only see her now if she reaches out to you to play?  Is that because she's the one who organizes and plans it or Was there more to your statement where you said you couldn't see her at tennis anymore?  IMO if it's the latter, that's too much..too butthurt.  She's within her rights to want to date a guy who is not still emotionally hung up on his ex and she doesn't know you well enough to have proof on this yet....and now you've just cut off the one place where she can get weekly (or more) proof OF IT!

I think anyone is bound to have regrets with a version of an ultimatum. If she is an awesome person and you like tennis, what harm can come of being friends? Substitute 'friendly" if it makes you more comfortable.  It doesn't take your manhood--that part is a lot pressing and a lot of pressure that you couldn't continue to play or be in her vicinity without an affirmative answer to dating NOW.  Idk, you don't want her to run scared yet deliver a 0 or 100% sort of ultimatum. Imagine if some girl said that to you.  It's human nature not to respond well to choices framed in that manner. (like repeatable studies sort of research that this sort of choice mechanism doesn't go over well).

Who says this below:

35 minutes ago, Charles_moeller said:

part of me felt like I could of carried on playing with her but it would be under her terms and the assumption I’m cool just being friends so I didn’t want to give mixed messages with where my heads at

To me, this is your belief system and fear^^^. I heard a maybe in her answer. Maybe later. She likes flirting with you.  The only reason I can see not continuing to play with her and see her in a "friendship" way is that if you were dating beforehand and that's how you entered her tennis circle.  That would be moving backward.  If I'm understanding you correctly, you met through tennis and everything you two have been doing thus far is moving forward...ie don't stop! Don't stop moving forward. She's knows where your head is at because you said: if you change your mind, i'm here.  All dating or attempting to date is a risk.  Now you are actually acting like you have a chip on your shoulder TBH.  If she'd agree to date you NOW, everything would be on YOUR terms.  Instead of going for middle,  good compromise zone where you presence is a chance to prove you're over it/exgf and build a friendship, show what you are about and that you have every confidence in yourself.  

So since you left it vague enough according to what you said here (if that's it), I'd suggest finding a way to keep showing up at tennis and warming up to her. It's going to probably be awkward for a little tiny bit..but show that you are not butt hurt and put your big boy pants on   If you have no way back into seeing her at tennis regularly because you really added some overdoing it sentence, then perhaps apologize or take that back charmingly or hit her up in 2-3 months

[Charles_moeller]

5 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Lol, it's refreshing I guess to have a new sort of dilemma here, new face and something that's actually solvable

Well, yeah what else was she supposed to say?  She respects your position----and is firm in hers..at least for now.  

As long as all you said was the above, I still don't see much of a problem really....I guess because it's vague enough of what your plan is regarding her going forward. I think one of the biggest mistakes guys make is being SO afraid of being "friend zoned" that they feel like they cannot be in someone's life or else.  Long game, my friend, long game.  Look at it like this: if you act like you cannot be friends it also indicates that a) this has been done to you before, ie you are afraid of the friend zone because you END up there..not such a great selling point b) you are operating in the scarcity mindset territory, as if your chance with her or another a-list girl won't be along momentarily (by this version of an ultimatum). c) you close off the opportunity to continue to flirt with her and have her get to know you. d) you're likely underestimating the value that many girls who are interested & worthy of a serious relationship put on the friendship component of a relationship e) you've cut yourself off at the knees to showing her that you are in fact OVER your last relationship, ie now without more regular contact it will be harder. e) a truly confident guy with every belief in himself as a good catch and a good one for this woman and a believer in their real chemistry would likely think: eventually I'm going to turn things around with her!

hmmmm, well i wouldn't take it as too pressuring..since it was vague enough as what you intend to doing going forward, ie didn't address that part.  That said, you've really backed yourself into a corner. Sounds like you can only see her now if she reaches out to you to play?  Is that because she's the one who organizes and plans it or Was there more to your statement where you said you couldn't see her at tennis anymore?  IMO if it's the latter, that's too much..too butthurt.  She's within her rights to want to date a guy who is not still emotionally hung up on his ex and she doesn't know you well enough to have proof on this yet....and now you've just cut off the one place where she can get weekly (or more) proof OF IT!

I think anyone is bound to have regrets with a version of an ultimatum. If she is an awesome person and you like tennis, what harm can come of being friends? Substitute 'friendly" if it makes you more comfortable.  It doesn't take your manhood--that part is a lot pressing and a lot of pressure that you couldn't continue to play or be in her vicinity without an affirmative answer to dating NOW.  Idk, you don't want her to run scared yet deliver a 0 or 100% sort of ultimatum. Imagine if some girl said that to you.  It's human nature not to respond well to choices framed in that manner. (like repeatable studies sort of research that this sort of choice mechanism doesn't go over well).

Who says this below:

To me, this is your belief system and fear^^^. I heard a maybe in her answer. Maybe later. She likes flirting with you.  The only reason I can see not continuing to play with her and see her in a "friendship" way is that if you were dating beforehand and that's how you entered her tennis circle.  That would be moving backward.  If I'm understanding you correctly, you met through tennis and everything you two have been doing thus far is moving forward...ie don't stop! Don't stop moving forward. She's knows where your head is at because you said: if you change your mind, i'm here.  All dating or attempting to date is a risk.  Now you are actually acting like you have a chip on your shoulder TBH.  If she'd agree to date you NOW, everything would be on YOUR terms.  Instead of going for middle,  good compromise zone where you presence is a chance to prove you're over it/exgf and build a friendship, show what you are about and that you have every confidence in yourself.  

So since you left it vague enough according to what you said here (if that's it), I'd suggest finding a way to keep showing up at tennis and warming up to her. It's going to probably be awkward for a little tiny bit..but show that you are not butt hurt and put your big boy pants on   If you have no way back into seeing her at tennis regularly because you really added some overdoing it sentence, then perhaps apologize or take that back charmingly or hit her up in 2-3 months

Haha the cold hard truth. I can take it and appreciate it. My feeling was the same, I’ve taken away regular contact now which is a bit of a cold shoulder vibe (opposite of what I was intending to do) being stuck in a situation like that I felt backed into a corner and of course all guy forums were like dump her, you’re in the friendzone tell her how it is which I now think is just bad because I don’t want to give off some back handed insecure text to make her think I’m a douche bag. We have such a good thing going and I don’t want to kill it.

Usually it’s like a messaging app where you setup tennis play dates. It’s not a club setup so if I cut the cord on her it’s completely cold.

thanks again

 

Edited December 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[smackie9]

The cat in out of the bag....she knows you played tennis with her because in the end you wanted her. She's not stupid about a man's motivation right? Been there myself. It sucks for you, but it sucks for her too. She enjoyed your company, and trusted it would stay as friendly, but it didn't and that's discouraging. It always ends up awkward. I think she's looking at it as you being thirsty and knows to put the brakes on fast. She doesn't want to lead you on, or give you false hope, etc.

Now you are left with, "What now?" "How am I to play this out with her?" Next conversation just tell her she's right, that you need to focus on casual dating and have fun. And that also means being open to playing tennis with other people too.

[Charles_moeller]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

The cat in out of the bag....she knows you played tennis with her because in the end you wanted her. She's not stupid about a man's motivation right? Been there myself. It sucks for you, but it sucks for her too. She enjoyed your company, and trusted it would stay as friendly, but it didn't and that's discouraging. It always ends up awkward. I think she's looking at it as you being thirsty and knows to put the brakes on fast. She doesn't want to lead you on, or give you false hope, etc.

Now you are left with, "What now?" "How am I to play this out with her?" Next conversation just tell her she's right, that you need to focus on casual dating and have fun. And that also means being open to playing tennis with other people too.

It didn’t start off that way. I played with 10+ mixed people and it’s just by luck we connected on another level.

she initially was making movement (initiating contact, flirting, asking about relationship status, hinting being single, etc) and after a few weeks the more I knew her the more I felt like this is someone I could potentially date.

she’s wise and has a lot more emotional intelligence then me that’s for sure..there’s genuine care between the both of us. She’s gone out of her way to buy gifts, ride miles to play tennis and has gone above and beyond so I don’t want to be a dick and say date or take the high road... coming out of a relationship I’ve lost footing on how dating works and building attraction so I’m learning as I’m going. 
 
just wrote this (doughnut is inside joke):

On my part that was a poor way to frame it when you’ve been awesome the whole way through...(especially with the doughnut haha)

I thoroughly enjoy our time together so ignore the previous message, have a lovely holiday and if you’re up for it I’ll see you when you get back. No more 6am texts from me x
 

what do you think?

 

Edited December 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Lotsgoingon]

Next time you want to play this situation entirely differently.

If there was real chemistry between you and tennis player, you wouldn't have to purposely scheme and plan to ask her out. You could have just continued playing tennis with her. That would have been the right move. And while you play tennis with her, you gradually open up and share more of yourself. Since you had regular fun contact with her, the chemistry would be obvious over time.

I know we guys are trained to make the first move, to be the initiators and all of that. Too many guys interpret this guidance to mean they have to take a leap over an abyss. No, you can initiate a friendly conversation or share a compliment and then see what the response is like from her end. You can share some of your real feeling and thinking after a game (just a little) and see how she responds. If she's interested, you'll feel that. Then you initiate more and again, see her response.  

No need to scheme and plan or THINK!  Anymore than you have to scheme and plan and think about making a male friend. 

[smackie9]

13 minutes ago, Charles_moeller said:

It didn’t start off that way. I played with 10+ mixed people and it’s just by luck we connected on another level.

she initially was making movement (initiating contact, flirting, asking about relationship status, hinting being single, etc) and after a few weeks the more I knew her the more I felt like this is someone I could potentially date.

she’s wise and has a lot more emotional intelligence then me that’s for sure..there’s genuine care between the both of us. She’s gone out of her way to buy gifts, ride miles to play tennis and has gone above and beyond so I don’t want to be a dick and say date or take the high road... coming out of a relationship I’ve lost footing on how dating works and building attraction so I’m learning as I’m going. 
 
just wrote this (doughnut is inside joke):

On my part that was a pretty shitty way to frame it when you’ve been awesome the whole way through...(especially with the doughnut haha)

I thoroughly enjoy our time together so ignore the previous message, have a lovely holiday and if you’re up for it I’ll see you when you get back. No more 6am texts from me x
 

what do you think?

 

Hey give it a go. Small steps.

[Charles_moeller]

13 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Next time you want to play this situation entirely differently.

If there was real chemistry between you and tennis player, you wouldn't have to purposely scheme and plan to ask her out. You could have just continued playing tennis with her. That would have been the right move. And while you play tennis with her, you gradually open up and share more of yourself. Since you had regular fun contact with her, the chemistry would be obvious over time.

I know we guys are trained to make the first move, to be the initiators and all of that. Too many guys interpret this guidance to mean they have to take a leap over an abyss. No, you can initiate a friendly conversation or share a compliment and then see what the response is like from her end. You can share some of your real feeling and thinking after a game (just a little) and see how she responds. If she's interested, you'll feel that. Then you initiate more and again, see her response.  

No need to scheme and plan or THINK!  Anymore than you have to scheme and plan and think about making a male friend. 

Great advice here and much appreciated. 
throughout these interactions I’ve been mirroring her and taking it in stride.

It’s all been going in the right direction but I agree there’s been times I’ve moved to quickly and she’s caught me out on it. Luckily enough she’s laughed it off and given me s*** about it but the ultimatum text I sent is a terrible move on my part and could do ruined it. Time will tell

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, behind all the "man must initiate aggressively" thinking is a misunderstanding. It assumes women are passive vessels who only come romantically alive in response to a guy's approach.

In fact, women signal interest all the time in all kinds of subtle and non-subtle ways. It's not like women forget that they're in the company of a man. So they are in evaluation mode as much as we are.  Just remember that. And they signal in various ways--through smiles, through availability, through enthusiasm, through the way they respond to a comment or compliment, through how close to you that they stand and a billion other ways. 

So when you're out with someone, you don't need to do all the work. You make a small signal of interest or openness and then see what kind of response you get. If she's interested and curious, she'll match your signal.  If she's interested, the conversation or even the end of the games will be awkward until you DO ask her out. Or you guys will end up talking way too long and too enthusiascally because both of you really want to spend time with each other.

You'll sense the moment that you should be asking her out. Just get out of your head and pay attention to the feeling of things. And asking her out could be just going for a beer after tennis. 

Have fun, bro--by easing up and relaxing. It's two-way. 

 

 

Edited December 19, 2021 by Lotsgoingon