Married Vs. Having Girlfriend

[Versacehottie]

I was thinking that perhaps you've just started dating and was going to say that it will probably increase over time as you become a more solid couple. But now that you say it's been a year, I kinda think she is just being how she is.  I also think you could be a little insecure and your expectations perhaps skewed due to your previous marriage.  it's definitely not going to be the same because she is a different person (which should be a good thing considering the other relationship didn't work out) and even together with the new girlfriend, you are probably slightly different than you were before and certainly there is a different dynamic. 

You should probably talk to her about it. Carefully etc (meaning honestly and from your perspective and a mature conversation, not an accusatory or blaming one) because I'm guessing she values her independence.  I think if you do and then give it a chance to change some you will see if it's possible or if it's a hurdle you two just can't overcome.  I'm guessing it's a little bit of both (insecurity and her independence or lack of notifying you what she is doing). I wonder why your mind immediately jumps to "something bad" when she mentions being out the previous wednesday? maybe at the point she is mentioning it, that IS her telling you about it. I agree with the idea that you can set the tone by saying what you've been up to. Hopefully that will initiate a give and take. If you don't trust someone though, it's never going to work.  If that's something in you at the moment you need to work on it. Good luck

[Lauriebell82]

I have been divorced almost 5 years. I have been in a serious relationship for a little over 4 years (and we don't live together) and he is also divorced. Due to our custody schedules we mostly see each other on weekends and at times during the week if we can. I would say we have a pretty high level of communication and do share plans with each other. Not always when they are happening, but we will "fill each other in" on what we did after the fact. I would think most couples do that just as a way of keeping each other involved in their lives. If I gave my boyfriend the play by play of my daily life every day that would be a lot. Certainly at times I tell him if I am going out or doing something, but not always. He is the same way. We are both quite independent, but we do have a high level of communication and have very intertwined lives. 

I think this honestly sounds like some normal insecurities that tend to happen after a divorce. I for one found dating and relationships SO much more of a challenge post divorce! Depending on your level of comfort with your girlfriend you could try bringing this up to her? I usually try to talk to my boyfriend about anything I am feeling insecure about and he does the same. It helps us a lot which is why we have been together for so many years. 

[chillii]

Has she been married op , sorry if l've missed that somewhere but she immediately sounded like she hadn't in your first post so l assumed that. l don't think it's you at all , it sounds like it's just her way and she isn't use to being two . Wonder if she's even had a long and real relationship or lived with someone for any period ?

Being 50s , l only spent time with one women who'd never married, 48 , she was the same as your describing , she really had no idea. There were a lot of things but say she'd just take off without telling me, couldn't understand l had to consider my daughter and spend good time with her either , didn't seem to understand a real relationship in many ways. She'd only had one long relationship but that was just a sort of long distance part time thing.She was to me odd in all things real relationship. But then , l'd been married 20yrs , different world to hers.

Edited December 15, 2021 by chillii

[Els]

On 12/14/2021 at 11:24 PM, Myasylum said:

We've been together for a year and was married for 12. So there is a lot of de-progaming I need to do. 

I don't think this is a "how long you've been married" thing, I honestly think this is mostly a "you" (and a few other people) thing. Lots of the people posting here about how they would be wary of your behaviour, are married or have been married. No, neither my husband nor I feel like we MUST tell the other person about every single place we go, otherwise they will be upset - as you clearly are, after finding out from a mutual friend that she went out ONE time without telling you!

I think that the first step to you being able to work through this is acknowledging that this is NOT just a byproduct of being married. It is probably a byproduct of your views and your experiences. Will you find someone who is willing to do this? Maybe, maybe not. But if you're starting with "oh, it's just because I've been married for 12 years", then you've lost the battle before you've even started. Either acknowledge this is what YOU want and seek a compatible partner, or work on changing.

 

Edited December 15, 2021 by Elswyth

[ASG]

I just don't even understand how this happens, because I'm the kind if person who would ASK my partner what they'd been up to whenever we weren't together. 

Not in a controlling way. I'd be sharing what I had done in the same breath. 

But not talking about upcoming plans just seems a bit bizarre to me. 

I don't need a play by play, but like.. "yeah, I'm meeting so and so tomorrow, and dinner with the parentals the day after" or a simple "nothing planned as of yet" and then, if plans arise, maybe I'll hear about them in another conversation. 

It's just a communication style. 

What I don't understand is being upset and apparently not making this kind of conversation. 

[FMW]

@Myasylum, does it happen on a frequent basis that she goes out socially without you and without ever having brought it up?

If it's only occasionally that you find out from other sources that she was out, then I don't think most people would think much about that. 

However, if it happens regularly and certainly if it's several times a week, I don't think it's unusual to at least wonder why she never talks about it with you.  She certainly doesn't need to invite you to participate, but I would expect it to at least come up in your conversations.  

Another component is whether or not you are both on the same page about what your relationship is.  After a year, most people probably would expect that you are building a partnership that would include sharing your plans with each other - not for permission, not to punch a time clock, but to show that they are indeed a part of your life and not just an occasional companion.  

I don't think this is black and white, there are nuances.  Maybe you are expecting too much in certain ways, and maybe you do have control issues.  But that doesn't mean you don't have legitimate cause for concern in other ways.  Lack of communication can naturally lead to insecurities. 

As I noted in a previous post, I like and need plenty of space.  My guy and I don't live together and spend 3 or 4 days/nights together a week.  But that doesn't mean we don't talk to each other about our activities with other people.  It's part of sharing our lives on those days we're not together, and yes -  even making sure the other person doesn't have any room to wonder what is going on when we're apart.    

I think it's important to make sure you each see the relationship the same and have the same expectations.  That will require open communication.  

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

Try not to compare it to your last marriage. That connection and access to information with your ex was built over many many years. 

Agree.

Wanting to know where she is or what she's doing in order to stay in the loop seems reasonable, but needing to know her every move is micromanagement. Red flags appear when your ego begins to grow as a result of your mistrust.   

"Did you do anything special today, honey?" or something similar to that will suffice.

Do you know why you need to know and whether you believe you have a legitimate right to know? Is her behavior dubious, for example, or is there anything else going on for you?

I think once you've identified the source of your insecurity, it will be easier for you to address it head on. 

Finally, it is up to you and her to decide what is reasonable for your relationship. It's not a big deal as long as you're BOTH fine with keeping tabs on each other.

Edited December 15, 2021 by Alpaca

[Lotsgoingon]

You are asking the wrong question. 

The question isn't "How should I view this?"

The question is, "Am I secure and comfortable in this relationship?" And the answer is a very understandable "No!"

You should be worried about the vagueness. After a year, that's a total red flag. On matters like this, you want to trust your body alarm system. Do NOT try to talk yourself into this isn't a big deal.

And come on: don't doubt yourself based on marriage. Non-married couples keep up with each other as well. In fact, keeping up with what your partner is doing and vice versa is one of the joys to people dating. Somebody knows my life. And I get to know the other person's life precisely by knowing what they're doing. In fact, tons of intimacy and knowing comes from knowing the details of your partner's life.

Speaking personally: I am not a jealous person. I typically date people who I trust and I let go. But the times when I have felt that a woman was being vague about what she was doing, OMG, would set my alarms off and in every case--turned out there was something odd going on. 

[smackie9]

After a year of dating and she doesn't volunteer anything with what is going on with her life between dates, then you are not compatible. She likes her independence and it's not to your liking. You can encourage more conversation with her and see if she follows your lead. If not you may want to reassess, and see if you are really getting what you want out of this relationship.

Edited December 19, 2021 by smackie9