Married Vs. Having Girlfriend

[Myasylum]

I'm in my first real relationship since I've been married and I seem to be struggling with a few things. 

   Coming from a marriage I'm use to knowing when my wife is coming home,  constant communication and just being able to rely on one another. 

   Now I'm in my first relationship since marriage and it's kind of messing with me a bit. I see her 3 days a week,  but the days I don't see her I feel uncomfortable.  I know she goes out with friends and things but she doesn't really tell me who what or when.  Sometimes I feel like I have to put myself in check.  This isn't my wife,  she's her own person doing her things.  On the other hand would it hurt for her to tell me she's going out with friends for the night? I do talk to her daily so that communication is great,  but then something comes up where she says she was out last Wednesday...  and my brain goes too... we talked Wednesday, you didn't say you were going out anywhere. Why wouldn't you ask me too meet you... things like that. 

    Maybe since this is my first real relationship since my marriage maybe I'm just being a bit insecure? Maybe I'm feeling a bit scared and getting controlling? On the other hand... maybe she could be a little more respectful?

      Any thoughts on this??

[Els]

 Okay, this sounds kinda scary. Yes, married couples typically let each other know when they're going out or when they think they'll be back... but for many of us, it's not to "check in" with our spouse! It's because when you live together there are practical considerations like having dinner together every night, so of course it's courteous to let your spouse know if you won't be able to make it, so they don't cook/order your share. In your case, there are no such considerations, so why would she let you know every time she leaves her house?

2 hours ago, Myasylum said:

This isn't my wife,  she's her own person doing her things.

Even if she was your wife, she should still be her own person doing her things.

My husband and I both sometimes travel solo for work. When I travel solo, I'm not updating him about every person I met or where I went every night, because there are no practical reasons to do so. We do chat on the phone most days and it does come up in conversation a lot of the time, but I don't feel like I HAVE to tell him just because we're married.

I don't know how you did things in your last marriage, but I don't think a lot of people would be happy to report their every action to you, regardless of whether they are married to you or not.

[FMW]

How long have you been together?  She may not feel connected enough to you yet to want to share her plans all the time.  

You may also be incompatible in your relationship expectations.  While you are feeling shut out and disrespected, she may be feeling (or would if she knew your thoughts) suffocated and controlled.  She may be someone who requires more space and freedom than you can comfortably give.    

 

[basil67]

@Myasylum I understand how you feel.   Asking about a person's day and what they've been up to is standard  conversation for me.  It's not prying, it's interest.   If these questions/conversations were off limits to me, I don't think I could last long at all.  

Clearly, I would not be cut out for dating a person who's also seeing others or who wasn't the sharing type and perhaps you are the same

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Myasylum said:

. I see her 3 days a week,  but the days I don't see her I feel uncomfortable. I do talk to her daily so that communication is great,  

How long have you been dating? How long have you been divorced? How old is she?

It's unclear what you want. More  dates/time together? More communication in between dates?

It's strange you're still comparing women to your wife and comparing dating to marriage.

Possessiveness and jealous or clinginess is never a good look. She doesn't have to report to you.

When you decide what you want from this situation such as being exclusive or spending more time together, address that directly rather than expecting someone to report to you like a child.

[Myasylum]

Yea, I'm not expecting to hear every little detail,  I don't mean it like that. I'm not implying that she's cheating either.  Just as an example... if I were going to a friend's house, during our text conversation I'd tell her... yea. I'm thinking about going to so and sons house.  Just so she knows.  To me it's just courtesy.  With her,  I'll hear about it from a mutual friend or whatever that she was at the bar on Monday, and I'm just like oh? I didn't know that?!

Still I question myself maybe I'm still use to being married where I do know these things and I need to loosen up a bit? Idk? 

[Pumpernickel]

It depends on the person, obviously, and how committed they feel after a certain amount of time.

Also, if you don't live together, there'll always be situations where something comes up – often at short notice – and you just don't even think of informing your gf/bf. You just go (to the bar quickly, or to help a friend or whatever, meet a coworker for dinner/coffee). I think it's normal, and I am assuming that when things are planned well in advance, she'll let you know?   

Edited December 14, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

With her,  I'll hear about it from a mutual friend or whatever that she was at the bar on Monday, and I'm just like oh? maybe I'm still use to being married where I do know these things and I need to loosen up a bit? 

How long have you been dating? How long have you been divorced?  It seems you're not compatible as far as time together, communication as well as lifestyles and expectations. Not sure what reporting to you has to to with "used to being married", but whatever the case, she keeps her private life private. Maybe because you're stuck in the past?

[Myasylum]

10 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

 I am assuming that when things are planned well in advance, she'll let you know?   

This is true! When we have plans and something comes up she does tell me.  So that is a positive thing. 

We've been together for a year and was married for 12. So there is a lot of de-progaming I need to do.  

I wouldn't call it "checking in" either.  It's not like that at all.  I don't feel it's a control issue.  Then again,  maybe it is. 

[FMW]

I am someone who requires more space than most, but I do make a point of letting my guy know when I have plans to go out with friends, or if something comes up unexpectedly I mention what I did the next time we talk.  I don't want him to think I'm hiding anything, so I understand where you're coming from, especially a year into your relationship.  

I think it's one of those things that people naturally do, or it doesn't happen.  There is no way to ask for more information on what they are doing without seeming needy or controlling.  She may not be a good match for you.  

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

When we have plans and something comes up she does tell me. We've been together for a year.

It's unclear what your beef with this is other than she's not a clone of your wife or wants to continue the dynamic you and your wife had.

Yes, you've been divorced for years and it's time to stop expecting women to be clones of your exwife.

 So what if she does stuff and doesn't report to you? As long as she's not cancelling plans or lying what difference does it make?

You and your GF seem to have communication problems in general. 

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Myasylum said:

I'm in my first real relationship since I've been married and I seem to be struggling with a few things. 

   Coming from a marriage I'm use to knowing when my wife is coming home,  constant communication and just being able to rely on one another. 

   Now I'm in my first relationship since marriage and it's kind of messing with me a bit. I see her 3 days a week,  but the days I don't see her I feel uncomfortable.  I know she goes out with friends and things but she doesn't really tell me who what or when.  Sometimes I feel like I have to put myself in check.  This isn't my wife,  she's her own person doing her things.  On the other hand would it hurt for her to tell me she's going out with friends for the night? I do talk to her daily so that communication is great,  but then something comes up where she says she was out last Wednesday...  and my brain goes too... we talked Wednesday, you didn't say you were going out anywhere. Why wouldn't you ask me too meet you... things like that. 

    Maybe since this is my first real relationship since my marriage maybe I'm just being a bit insecure? Maybe I'm feeling a bit scared and getting controlling? On the other hand... maybe she could be a little more respectful?

      Any thoughts on this??

Did jealousy cause the divorce?

[Ami1uwant]

49 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

This is true! When we have plans and something comes up she does tell me.  So that is a positive thing. 

We've been together for a year and was married for 12. So there is a lot of de-progaming I need to do.  

I wouldn't call it "checking in" either.  It's not like that at all.  I don't feel it's a control issue.  Then again,  maybe it is. 

time between divorce and meeting her was ehst? Did you date at all between those points?

checking in is a control measure that is a turn off to many.

 

[glows]

The relationship seems a bit superficial to me. Sorry. My thoughts align with Basil and FMW. As someone who likes spontaneity and my personal freedom the last thing I ever want to feel is stifled or followed. I think there was a good point raised by Wiseman regarding whether or not you’re exclusive. Did you ever have that conversation with her? 

Frankly the relationship doesn’t sound very rewarding or is just surface level currently if you aren’t sharing as much about yourselves or your lives together. 

She is not obligated to tell you anything but that you both do share in your lives is attractive. I think it also demonstrates willingness to trust, communicate and be vulnerable. It should be two-ways though. Why do you second guess yourself so much or talk about your ex wife either? If you want someone more like you go find her. This has nothing to do with being married x years.

[smackie9]

She or even you don't owe anyone day to day activity updates. Gosh I had a BF that wanted to konw if I was home or going out, I found it controlling. It screams insecurity. So I can't sympathize tbh. You will just have to adjust to the new norm with dating. I doubt anyone you date will agree to this. So work on your insecurity issue, and learn to trust. Be confident.

Edited December 14, 2021 by smackie9

[vla1120]

It does sound like there might be a bit of an insecurity issue or control issue if you feel the slightest need to always want to know where she has been and/or what her plans are. For most self-sufficient independent women, the thought of being monitored would be a turn off and that rings true whether you're talking about a wife or a girlfriend. It's one thing to share your day with one another and tell each other where you were, what you did, who you saw - just as a habit of willingly sharing with one another. It's a whole different thing to be expected to share this information and not leave out any details at the risk of having this information found out by a discussion with a mutual friend. Maybe you could do a little self-evaluation to determine why you feel this way. Was there mistrust and/or cheating in your past? 

Edited December 14, 2021 by vla1120

[Girl Fade Away]

[ ] 

I wonder if your need comes from a place of insecurity and perhaps a fear of rejection or abandonment.  Which may be worthwhile for you to explore further within yourself and/or with the help of a qualified therapist.

To your situation, how serious is it?  Are you exclusive?  Speaking personally, I am a person who needs quite a bit of space and lone time, more than average.   

However when in a committed relationship with a man I love and want to make happy  (and vice versa of course), I typically need less lone time and am open to being more accountable re how I spend my time when we are apart.   IF that is what he needs.  

I am not one of those women who feels the need to ferociously guard my time or feels imposed upon because my boyfriend needs me to be a bit more accountable.  It's not a difficult thing to do. 

So, have you spoken to your girlfriend about this? Does she know how you feel about it?  

If not, talk to her, communicate.  Not in a whiny needy way, simply tell her what you need, there is no shame in that. 

If she balks at it, or becomes defensive, then understand you are not compatible, not in this regard anyway - space and accountability needs. 

And perhaps best to go separate ways.  But talk to her first, let her know what you need, she might surprise you. 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clean up

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Myasylum said:

  To me it's just courtesy. 

Keep in mind that every couple has an (ultimately unique/idiosyncratic) "chemistry" that is specific to them. You and your wife had yours, but that is simply not how it's going to be with a different woman.

That said, there probably are women out there who, like you, stay more "checked in" WRT letting their partner know what they're doing. Presumably these gals would expect/hope for the same from you. "Courtesy" - but it's a courtesy with the purpose of reducing anxiety/insecurity (it seems to me). Not necessarily a bad thing in a relationship.

I'm not sure whether this specific factor should "drive" your decisions, particularly if you're content with the relationship overall. In fact I'd say it probably shouldn't - this is a new "chemistry" it's just a part you experience negatively. But I bet there are other differences you experience quite positively but are not posting about.

As mentioned above there is no real reason for "checking in" at the level you describe, particularly when dating, other than to perhaps help each other to feel a bit more secure. So it's certainly not strictly necessary for a good relationship.

Edited December 14, 2021 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

I guess you have quickly felt "couple-y" with this girl and you want to slot her into the place your ex  occupied.
But she is just dating. She sees you 3 days a week and for 4 days she is acting like a single woman doing her own thing.   
Seeing friends and going out and not giving you a second thought.

 

[Pumpernickel]

7 hours ago, Myasylum said:

This is true! When we have plans and something comes up she does tell me.  So that is a positive thing. 

See, that means she makes you a priority, and takes plans seriously. She’s reliable in that regard. Reliable when it matters. 
 

As far as the lack of communication/updating/checking-in is concerned, that needs to be discussed, if it really bothers you. (Could also be just something you got used to during your marriage, because that’s how you guys did it, and you developed that habit of checking in quickly every so often - and now you feel the current relationship is missing something, feels different ……. that can make you feel insecure. I get it…)

Edited December 14, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Myasylum said:

Yea, I'm not expecting to hear every little detail,  I don't mean it like that. I'm not implying that she's cheating either.  Just as an example... if I were going to a friend's house, during our text conversation I'd tell her... yea. I'm thinking about going to so and sons house.  Just so she knows.  To me it's just courtesy.  With her,  I'll hear about it from a mutual friend or whatever that she was at the bar on Monday, and I'm just like oh? I didn't know that?!

Still I question myself maybe I'm still use to being married where I do know these things and I need to loosen up a bit? Idk? 

I mentioned earlier that I like to feel comfortable asking what a person has been doing/has planned as a basic part of conversation.  But I don't so much agree with wanting/needing to be 'informed'.  People don't really owe us explanations.   That said, if a person was secretive, I'd probably just move on.  

Do you ever ask what she's got planned for the next few days?  Eg  "So, have you got anything interesting planned for the rest of the week?"   If so, what does she say?  

[Girl Fade Away]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

As I mentioned earlier that I like to feel comfortable asking what a person has been doing/has planned as a basic part of conversation.  But I don't so much agree with wanting/needing to be 'informed."

I'm with you on this basil especially as I get older and more comfortable in my own skin.  Not so guarded of my "independence" which is how I used to be. 

I typically don't ask BUT I am quite open about what I am doing and with whom which makes it easier for a boyfriend to be open about what HE is doing and with whom. 

That is how it typically works out.  To me it's just sharing and being open, that's all.  It's all very natural and organic. 

Myasylym, have you tried that approach?  Being more open with HER about what you are doing and with whom?  

As always, there is a balance, not too much, not too little.  Find the right balance for you as a couple but again you need to communicate and discuss. Especially after an entire year together.

Edited December 14, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

Indeed.  Offering up what you're doing is also a great opener.

[chillii]

9 hours ago, Myasylum said:

Yea, I'm not expecting to hear every little detail,  I don't mean it like that. I'm not implying that she's cheating either.  Just as an example... if I were going to a friend's house, during our text conversation I'd tell her... yea. I'm thinking about going to so and sons house.  Just so she knows.  To me it's just courtesy.  With her,  I'll hear about it from a mutual friend or whatever that she was at the bar on Monday, and I'm just like oh? I didn't know that?!

Still I question myself maybe I'm still use to being married where I do know these things and I need to loosen up a bit? Idk? 

 

Has she ever been married , doesn't sound like it.

When l started meeting women again , l felt much the same. Women that hadn't been married were just totally different women, the way they treated things, did things, it was funny but they just didn't know. Don't think they could've even imagined how we are married and what it's like as a couple. Where as if l'd met one that had also been married , there was a real comfort and instant just get this stuff way.

 

 

 

 

[Fox Sake]

18 hours ago, Myasylum said:

I'm in my first real relationship since I've been married and I seem to be struggling with a few things. 

   Coming from a marriage I'm use to knowing when my wife is coming home,  constant communication and just being able to rely on one another. 

   Now I'm in my first relationship since marriage and it's kind of messing with me a bit. I see her 3 days a week,  but the days I don't see her I feel uncomfortable.  I know she goes out with friends and things but she doesn't really tell me who what or when.  Sometimes I feel like I have to put myself in check.  This isn't my wife,  she's her own person doing her things.  On the other hand would it hurt for her to tell me she's going out with friends for the night? I do talk to her daily so that communication is great,  but then something comes up where she says she was out last Wednesday...  and my brain goes too... we talked Wednesday, you didn't say you were going out anywhere. Why wouldn't you ask me too meet you... things like that. 

    Maybe since this is my first real relationship since my marriage maybe I'm just being a bit insecure? Maybe I'm feeling a bit scared and getting controlling? On the other hand... maybe she could be a little more respectful?

      Any thoughts on this??

I think what you’re going through is perfectly normal after such a long time with someone.  It sounds like you are just having to relearn how to be in a relationship again and have some things to process from the last one still. You’re back on the saddle tho. 
 

Try not to compare it to your last marriage. That connection and access to information with your ex was built over many many years. 

Maybe if you also start referring to your last marriage partner as your EX wife,  and not your wife, that might help you stop associating the current relationship dynamic expectation with your last marriage. You’re not in your last marriage! 
 

So whilst I’m empathic to how you're feeling , guard yourself too. The insecurity you’re feeling could end up pushing her away or making you put on those rose glasses! I’m sure you’ll manage to check yourself tho in those moments,  you sound like you have your head screwed on and recognise your behaviours. Remember what you deserve too tho, a relationship goes 2 ways.