Girlfriend's house smells like her dog = BAD!

[introverted1]

I think you dodged a bullet. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, ZenMasta said:

I simply told her that we were not compatible and that our values didn't align.

Excellent. Look for huge red flags and deal breakers early on and cut your losses.

You may miss the snoring symphony but at least you don't have sleep in a dumpster.

[glows]

10 minutes ago, ZenMasta said:

Yeah, I forgot to talk to her about it because, you know, major concussion and cracked skull situation. But it's okay ... something worse came up.

 

So this is the exit she gave me. Last night she said she was feeling anxious. I told her I'd call and she could tell me about it. She said she's waiting for her friend Mikey to get off from the GYM. He's a close friend and will talk her down, but she'd call me later. I thought that was odd, being her BF and all. Isn't that relationship building stuff?? Guess not....

Later came. She called and explained why she was so anxious. I didn't buy it, I prodded and then the real reason came out. Apparently she has 20 super close male friends she hangs out with all the time (most likely parties with). Four female friends. She was feeling anxious because now that we are becoming serious, she's feeling "weird" that she failed to mention in the coming weeks she's taking three trips, to three states (Florida, Las Vegas, Arizona) with three different male friends who bought these tickets for her. They will be traveling together alone. She didn't mention if they're staying in the same room. 

She also mentioned how she kisses them, holds their hands/arms, but they're like family. She didn't want me to feel jealous because she does the same with her female friends too. She exclaimed that she is just a super affectionate person. She said how all this had been huge issues in her past four serious relationships and that she didn't want to be held back from seeing them and pursuing activities with all her male friends again.

Welp. That crosses a few personal boundaries. I don't care that she has male friends, but taking trips alone with them, staying at their house alone with them etc. I don't think that's glue for a healthy relationship. I simply told her that we were not compatible and that our values didn't align. She was surprised, but took it well.

 

Good Grief!!!

Glad you ended it since it wasn't working for you. She's entitled to do whatever she pleases. You're free now to find someone more like you.

[ZenMasta]

6 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I think you dodged a bullet. 

Indeed. I was thinking the same thing!! 

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Look for huge red flags and deal breakers early on and cut your losses.

You may miss the snoring symphony but at least you don't have sleep in a dumpster.

It's true. I much rather waste a few months than four years again. I will dearly miss the snoring symphony. lol 

[healing light]

15 minutes ago, ZenMasta said:

She also mentioned how she kisses them, holds their hands/arms, but they're like family. She didn't want me to feel jealous because she does the same with her female friends too. She exclaimed that she is just a super affectionate person. She said how all this had been huge issues in her past four serious relationships and that she didn't want to be held back from seeing them and pursuing activities with all her male friends again.

 

As a woman with closer bonds to men, I found this really unacceptable. I think her behavior above sounds like she could very well be an alcoholic, as well. I simply do not believe these men have zero expectations with kissing going on and overnight out-of-state trips sharing rooms alone. You made the right call, especially since she framed it that she didn't want to change anything about the nature of the activities with them. 

Frankly, I would have been out based on the extent of the irresponsible drinking alone.

[ZenMasta]

1 minute ago, healing light said:

As a woman with closer bonds to men, I found this really unacceptable. I think her behavior above sounds like she could very well be an alcoholic, as well. I simply do not believe these men have zero expectations with kissing going on and overnight out-of-state trips sharing rooms alone. You made the right call, especially since she framed it that she didn't want to change anything about the nature of the activities with them. 

Frankly, I would have been out based on the extent of the irresponsible drinking alone.

Thank you! I appreciate the insight from a woman who has male friends. I would never stop someone I'm seeing from spending time with friends. Male or female. I didn't embellish, this is what she told me verbatim. It did make my Spidey sense start to go off. 

I'm sort of surprised that she's looking for a monogamous relationship. Telling me not to feel jealous if she kisses them and holds onto them in front of me. Then she tells me about the trips AFTER she asks me to be her boyfriend. 

 

But yes, the drinking all the time isn't good. She can drink a 6 pack of beer and it doesn't even phase her. I feel bad about her head, but I don't want to be her weekend babysitter either.

 

[Pumpernickel]

Glad you guys are done!! You would have probably been the designated pitbullsitter while she enjoys life with her guy friends (yeah, very weird) 

All in all, she sounds very immature - the partying and the drinking, the unclean house, the attention seeking by rubbing her male friends and their “shared activities” in your face (the ones you aren’t invited to, like trips) ….. ridiculous ……I have been trying to find her age somewhere in this thread, but I can’t ….. it doesn’t sound like she has a job so I’m guessing college student? But since you’re divorced I’m guessing you’re at least in your 30s, so I’m assuming she’s in her earlier 20s?? 

[FMW]

2 hours ago, ZenMasta said:

Good Grief!!!

Good grief is right.  Her revelation came at a perfect time though, it allowed you to avoid bringing up the drinking and smelly dog situation, which might not have gone so smoothly.  Next time I'm sure you'll be quicker to register the incompatibilities and move on.  

[ZenMasta]

1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said:

Glad you guys are done!! You would have probably been the designated pitbullsitter while she enjoys life with her guy friends (yeah, very weird) 

All in all, she sounds very immature - the partying and the drinking, the unclean house, the attention seeking by rubbing her male friends and their “shared activities” in your face (the ones you aren’t invited to, like trips) ….. ridiculous ……I have been trying to find her age somewhere in this thread, but I can’t ….. it doesn’t sound like she has a job so I’m guessing college student? But since you’re divorced I’m guessing you’re at least in your 30s, so I’m assuming she’s in her earlier 20s?? 

I'm 40 and she's 38!! 

She does have a job, a decent one at that. But yeah, that apartment is far too small for that Pitbull. The smell is god awful. 

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by ZenMasta

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, ZenMasta said:

 She can drink a 6 pack of beer and it doesn't even phase her. I feel bad about her head, but I don't want to be her weekend babysitter either.

Why not invest in a good pair of running shoes ?

That way you could be out the door much sooner. It's amazing you tolerated this as long as you did.

[Blind-Sided]

I'm glad you got away.  Sounds like she started dating you with the premise of being a "Normal" person... but in reality... she is a partier, and needs attention of guys. 

[Els]

On 12/14/2021 at 9:49 PM, chillii said:

Ah , we've got cats up and down my street doing just fine.Some as old as. And yes l know indoor and zoo animals live longer, and the rest of it.

Besides the fact that the animal we are talking about here, the one whom you're expecting the OP's ex-gf to put outdoors, is a DOG... for cats it really depends on the area and the cat. Some, especially if they used to be feral, can live outdoors in some areas, and some can't. If you get -20C in winter, for instance, lots of cat breeds won't survive, or if you have a lot of venomous snakes in the area.

"Zoo animals" is such a red herring... those are actual wild animals and wouldn't be in anyone's house either (hopefully)!

On 12/15/2021 at 12:18 AM, stillafool said:

It's a illegal to tie, or chain your dog outside in my state. I don't know about others though.

That's good!

[FMW]

I have friends who have dogs inside, including large ones, and their homes do NOT smell.  It seems she probably doesn't attend to bathing the dog and/or cleaning her house to mitigate the odor.  Even without all the other issues, I think there are plenty of people who would find a smelly home, for any reason, to be a deal breaker.  I would think if her home smells that badly that she herself has to carry at least some amount of that smell (in her clothes and hair) when she's out.  

[dramafreezone]

On 12/13/2021 at 3:18 PM, ZenMasta said:

Should I end it or talk to her? I can't see her ever giving up dogs. Thank you for the advice!

That's that then.  She's not giving up the dogs and you're going to be miserable with her dog, and grow to resent her.  Just seems like a lack of compatibility.

In my experience a woman having more male friends than females friends has been a red flag.  Whenever someone has told me this, the explanation has been some version of "other women are too catty/messy."  What I've found though is that THOSE women generally have bad attitudes, and they require a ton of validation/attention from men.  That sounds like that's what happened with this one.

Edited December 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Allupinnit]

55 minutes ago, FMW said:

I have friends who have dogs inside, including large ones, and their homes do NOT smell.  It seems she probably doesn't attend to bathing the dog and/or cleaning her house to mitigate the odor.  Even without all the other issues, I think there are plenty of people who would find a smelly home, for any reason, to be a deal breaker.  I would think if her home smells that badly that she herself has to carry at least some amount of that smell (in her clothes and hair) when she's out.  

This is so true.  My dogs are groomed regularly and I have a cleaner come every other week; our home does NOT smell of dog.  

Besides that, it's not hard to meet men who also love dogs and have no problem with a dog on the bed.  When I met my H I had a golden he grew to love so much that we got another one together.  He's obsessed with her and I can't imagine leaving a dog outside in the elements when all they want is to be near you and loved by you.  She's my buddy, my best friend.  Feeling her curled up around my legs at night gives me (and her) a feeling of great comfort.  

If that's not for you the answer isn't to expect someone to give up their beloved pet.  How sad!

[ZenMasta]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not invest in a good pair of running shoes ?

That way you could be out the door much sooner. It's amazing you tolerated this as long as you did.

You are wise!!

I was hoping her partying was a one time deal because it was her birthday the first time I saw her really hit it hard. But I soon realized that during the week days, when I stopped by her apartment, she'd go to her room every 3-5 minutes and take big swigs off her 16-ounce can of Mike's Harder Lemonade. The times I didn't see her drinking, she gave it away when we kissed.

 

7 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

I'm glad you got away.  Sounds like she started dating you with the premise of being a "Normal" person... but in reality... she is a partier, and needs attention of guys. 

It's true!The second date we discussed what we wanted. She said she wanted a "monogamous relationship" and that she was hoping to have children some day. Fair enough, I am open to that. I just wish she would have told me about the male entourage during that conversation. I certainly would never spend time alone with another woman, take trips with another woman when I'm currently in a relationship. I want to do those things with her. 

 

3 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

That's that then.  She's not giving up the dogs and you're going to be miserable with her dog, and grow to resent her.  Just seems like a lack of compatibility.

In my experience a woman having more male friends than females friends has been a red flag.  Whenever someone has told me this, the explanation has been some version of "other women are too catty/messy."  What I've found though is that THOSE women generally have bad attitudes, and they require a ton of validation/attention from men.  That sounds like that's what happened with this one.

It's also a red flag to me. I was engaged to a covert narcissist and already went through the whole "we're just friends" spiel. I found out later that wasn't the case. She too had many male orbiters and only one female friend. 

This one definitely had drama going on. When I asked if she wanted to talk about it, she told me her friend Thad, Mikey or Chris was going to call her. She felt more comfortable talking to them since she knew them longer. 

[Els]

Um.... yeah... I'm all for opposite sex friends, but kissing is definitely where I (and I think most people!) draw the line!!

Edit: wait, hold on, I could've sworn I saw a recent post where OP said she was kissing her male friends???

Edited December 15, 2021 by Elswyth

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, ZenMasta said:

big swigs off her 16-ounce can of Mike's Harder Lemonade.

Was the dog lapping this up also? Perhaps that explains farting in unison and snoring in rhythm?

[spiderowl]

I think you need to end this.  You don't love her enough to overcome the things you see as negatives - the smelly dog and her uninhibited behaviour.  I don't think you two are compatible: you have different ideas about pets and behaviour.  These thing are very fundamental in any relationship.

[Acacia98]

On 12/14/2021 at 8:46 PM, Happy Lemming said:

If it were just the dog smell, you could suggest cleaning the carpets.  I dated one woman and her apartment smelled like dog, so I told her I was renting a (Rug Doctor) carpet machine for 24 hours so I could clean the carpets in my house. And since I had it for 24 hours, I could come over and do her carpets, as well.

After cleaning her carpets, it made a HUGE difference and her apartment was tolerable.

Wow. Now that's tactful. 

[Maldives]

On 12/14/2021 at 9:18 AM, ZenMasta said:

I have been dating a lovely gal for about 1 1/2 months. She just asked me this past weekend to be exclusive. The thing is, I can't stand being at her apartment because of the smell. She owns a Pitbull and he smells really bad. She keeps his food and water in her room, lets the dog sleep with her in bed etc. Everything smells like this dog. I can't stand the smell. She must be completely oblivious to it.

The dog constantly makes noise at night. I suffer from misophonia and this dog wont stop making noises. Breaths loud, snores, eats food loudly and laps water every 30 minutes, licks itself loudly. When he starts snoring, she starts snoring and it's like they're communicating with each other. I lose sleep every time I spend the night there. We can't do my place because I refuse to let that dog stay there and it's super needy. I also found myself taking it outside to use the bathroom every hour or so when I'm there. I didn't sign up for that, but that seems to be the thing now.

Problem number two. I don't drink alcohol. Our first date she didn't drink or smoke cigarettes. She said she drank occasionally. After the second date, though, it was like open season. Now she's like a hardcore party girl. Drinking and smoking all the time. Last week she got intoxicated and told me she'd been raped several times, twice by her stepfather. I don't know if she remembers that ... but I wish she would have waited for a more appropriate time to tell me. She recently cracked her skull open while staying the night at her friends house. She told me he and her only had a few drink and that wasn't the reason she fell, but it's hard not to think she wasn't intoxicated, as this has been her state every weekend post our first date.

She's a bigtime dog lover. She's getting a tattoo of this dog on her arm. Calls the dog her "soulmate". Does dog rescue and that stuff. I'm not really into dogs. I think this is not a good match for me or her. Dog and drinking aside, I do really like her. I just can't get past these two glaring things. 

Should I end it or talk to her? I can't see her ever giving up dogs. Thank you for the advice!

End it

[Happy Lemming]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Wow. Now that's tactful. 

Yes... I think she just got used to the smell.  After I did the carpets, she did comment how the apartment smelled "fresher".

I just said that those "Rug Doctor" machines really do a nice job and left it at that.

She was a nice person and I imagine the "dog smell" was more of a gradual thing where she just got used to it.

[glows]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Wow. Now that's tactful. 

Yes. Happy Lemming is the rare gentleman. I tried to have carpets cleaned once but didn’t have the desired effect. After that I promised myself a carpet-free existence. 

One of the first things I did was take out all the carpets in the house and put in tile and hardwood. I can’t get over the impracticality of carpets in the first place. 

[ASG]

17 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Um.... yeah... I'm all for opposite sex friends, but kissing is definitely where I (and I think most people!) draw the line!!

Edit: wait, hold on, I could've sworn I saw a recent post where OP said she was kissing her male friends???

Yes, that definitely happened. Or rather, the GF said she was going on holiday with her male friends and that he shouldnt get jealous if he saw them kissing, because that's just the way they do things!

[JRabbit]

IF you really like her. Offer to take her dog to the groomer for her as a nice surprise gift. IF she fights you over it, just talk about nicely, saying your dog is smelly. She probably doesn't realize, but dogs shouldnt be smelly like that if they are clean.

 

NVM see now it ended, probably for the best

Edited December 16, 2021 by JRabbit