Men- Is it even worth it ?

[jdesey]

Four background I am a 55-year-old male, live in California, been single since my divorce 14 years ago, did have a 2 1/2 year long-term relationship and was engaged but it didn’t work out.

there’s an old saying “the juice ain’t worth the squeeze“.  
 

this is how I feel right now at the end of another year of frustration with dating. I had approx  8  first dates and I had one that went to a second date this year. I have been meeting women with online dating the whole time I’ve been single.

it would be easy to say it’s all because of Covid and the lockdown but this started long before that.  for a man and I can only speak for a man it is just brutal. The rejection, the ghosting after you’re in a conversation with somebody, canceled dates, women that won’t meet, etc.

here I am at the end of the year asking myself why should I even continue to try? I would love to hear from the other men on this. Do you feel the same? What do you do when you feel like this? I don’t want to continue down this very painful road of dating but I don’t want to be alone either. 

Edited December 12, 2021 by jdesey
Clarify

[CLS63AMG]

Yeah I've been there.  #1, covid has really taken a toll on the dating scene but you have to expect the BS regardless.  Its never a bad thing to delete all the dating sites/apps and take a break from it and its a good time too, as the dating scene is a ghost town during the holidays.  My advice is hang it up for a bit - each time I do that I end up reinvigorated, fresh and meet someone great.  Get in and get out is a great online dating mantra.

[chillii]

That sounds like some pretty good tips there op. But sorry things haven't been happening . Are you particular,selective , know what you need, like, looking for ? l divorced 9yrs back,spent 4yrs not even bothering, didn't even know if l even wanted to be involved again or remarry. l needed to let myself work out what l wanted .

l started to realize l do want a partner in this world again. l just accidentally actually someone very special but sadly that didn't work out. Later on l went  on dates once or twice short stints but l was very very selective, l know exactly what l like l've never been interested in wasting my time with anything else. l found a a few spectacular women on there that were just it all over, and l've been with one of them near 4yrs, engaged now. 

l'd say if it's a real partner you want forget the rest and focus on what you need. That means you may not bother with anyone for a long time,until someone really worthwhile comes along, but so what. No point in even bothering with just anyone anyway. Take a bit of a break , collect your thoughts , and let things roll for awhile , have a nice holiday.

Edited December 12, 2021 by chillii

[Weezy1973]

57 minutes ago, jdesey said:

 Do you feel the same? What do you do when you feel like this? I don’t want to continue down this very painful road of dating but I don’t want to be alone either. 

Online dating is a very different beast than meeting people in real life. I found that having both avenues open worked well. Do you participate in activities where you interact with people on a regular basis? Do you have a strong social circle? There really shouldn't be pain associated with dating, especially as you've only been on first and second dates. That pain has nothing to do with dating, but may reveal that you don't feel very good about yourself. That's something to look into. Have you tried therapy?

[Woggle]

Just live your life and if it happens then it happens.

[central]

OLD used to work extremely well (for me), but times have changed, as has some of the technology.  So much depends on what you have to offer vs. what you want, of course - that hasn't changed.  It also depends on where you live and the prospects locally - and the competition you face.  I always did best online vs. meeting through activities, etc.; covid made the latter much harder, of course.

[ccas93]

Online apps are brutal, esp in populated urban areas. It can almost be worse if you're an attractive man, because you'll likely want an attractive partner. And attractive women get messaged by thousands of male fans daily. It's like trying to get a celebrity to respond to you on social media. Smh. 

For me, dating apps became more fun when I completely lost my expectations for them of ever finding a suitable partner on them. It's good for casual sex. That's it. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, jdesey said:

there’s an old saying “the juice ain’t worth the squeeze“. 

 

I have a neighbor, who is a little older than you, but he has given up on dating or finding someone.  He is content, alone.

He has been divorced for about 20 years and has no desire to try again.

My girlfriend wanted to set him up with a friend of hers, but he very politely declined, saying that he was done with dating, etc. and that chapter of his life is closed.

Again, he seems happy with his decisions.  He has a few friends & made friends with some of the other neighbors, as well.  And that appears to be all he wants/needs.

[Maldives]

Man I'm even lucky to get a date for the yr lol. Yes feel you for sure. Online dating ain't worked for me. I give up on it then go back out of boredom hoping it might be different. Tried all sorts of different apps and approaches photos etc opening lines. Zoosk seems to be the only one that I get matches on and now even Zoosk is filling up with a lot of fake profiles and scammers. I've lost a lot of confidence in dating over time. Been single now five yrs. I'm  more indifferent now. Not as eager to get a date. The scammers that go on em has really made em risky and crap. As soon as they ask for watsapp I'm put off and think it's a scammer or fake profile. Most cases it is. The dating apps should really screen people better. Maybe verify photo and get Id to confirm people's identities to stop fake profiles and scammers. That's what's really bad about these apps.you just don't wanna invest the time to later learn it's a fake profile 

 

Edited December 13, 2021 by Goodguy05

[Wiseman2]

Just take a break. Get off whatever sites you are on. In the new year, get a new fresh  profile and pics on some quality dating apps.  Stale old profiles that have been on a site too long are a turn off.

Also broaden your dating portfolio. That includes taking some courses and classes, joining some groups and clubs, volunteering, getting a side hustle, etc .

Put yourself in some real life situations where you meet and talk to women regularly and build rapport by having something in common other than dating app burnout.

[CLS63AMG]

13 hours ago, Woggle said:

Just live your life and if it happens then it happens.

Lol, did that last year - met many women when out walking my dog, most were already in relationships (and bought me coffees, ice cream and even exchanged numbers - no I did no pursue but a douche would have) or were so broken they weren't even on dating apps.  You need to be aware and make an effort

Edited December 13, 2021 by CLS63AMG

[Blind-Sided]

16 hours ago, chillii said:

I) l divorced 9yrs back, spent 4yrs not even bothering,

2) l'd say if it's a real partner you want forget the rest and focus on what you need.

3) Take a bit of a break , collect your thoughts , and let things roll for awhile , have a nice holiday.

I think this is spot on.

1) Take time for yourself, and we all understand that it can get lonely.... but it's what you need.

2) I've said this a bunch of times here.  Modern OLD is overwhelming, and turns into "Online Shopping" and not dating.  It's too easy to just look at a picture, and go out.  Not to mention... people lie on the info, and filter pictures.  

3) This goes back to #1... but I took a year off after my D. I went out on a group outing with friends... and their single female friends... and it just didn't feel right.  I also could have had a date around thanksgiving, and for New years eve (after my D was final)... but I decided to stay home, because holidays can make a date feel like more than it really should be.  While I did get set up a few times by my female friends... the girl I've been dating for about 1.5 yrs now was someone I wasn't trying to "Date".  I honestly didn't think anything of it at first... but eventually we became close, and she called me her BF one night to someone.  So... it was a case... happened when I wasn't looking for it. 

But... to your title question... is it worth it?  Yes... it's nice to have someone to talk to, and confide in.   Getting married again... well... that's a different question all together. LOL. (Who needs that legal BS again) 

Anyway... I wish you happiness in moving forward. 

[mark clemson]

Hmm. My advice would be to make yourself as attractive as possible. This can encompass many aspects (women's attraction is more complicated than men's) - so work on whatever you can and play up your strengths.

Things you can work up to make yourself more attractive:  haircut, facial grooming, nice clothing, athletic, smart, very self confident/self-assured  [ ] body language that shows strong confidence/self-assurance, good social skills - friendly and conversational without being too clingy or awkward or "too interested", wealthy or at least not hurting for money, having a good career or "place in society", ambition or purpose/goals, "competent" but not boring, solid life skills and/or "manly" skills like home and car repair, musicianship, capable of being socially dominant in situations that call for it, and finally, being just a bit of a bad boy.

The are plenty of flakes out there and I've heard it said that OLD (online dating) is "the playground of the dysfunctional". So I'd suggest making yourself as attractive as possible and getting to RL meetings as much as possible.

What do you want - if you had your rathers, you'd pick an "awesome woman," right? Turn that camera around - what does she want? An "awesome man". It's easier said than done, but make yourself as awesome a man as possible (or even just be very clearly heading in that direction) and you're likely to be snapped up quickly in the (physical) dating scene once they get to know you a bit.

You seem to want advice to "give up" but I'd say before you go that route, double down on improving yourself in every way possible. Many women want to be with a "winner" (although precisely what that entails will vary from woman to woman) so become the winner that is most naturally you and you're likely to get some interested ones.

Edited December 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[smackie9]

yes there are some but few and far between that are worth a look on those apps. BUT the platform being as it is..it's ease of use just opened up a pandoras box ...the broken, insecure, anxious, messed up, jerk people to use, rendering it useless. On here there are scads of threads about the troubles with the dating apps. And it the same crap over and over.

Best to find way to do it is the old fashioned way and go out with friends to socialize, to events, small gatherings, play sports, etc where people can see you irl. I know there are restrictions here and there, but people seem to adjust ok, and work with it.

[Mrin]

Dude here - roughly the same age. I have to tell you that my experience has been the direct opposite when it comes to OLD. The vast majority of my first dates could turn into second (and beyond) dates if I want them to. Covid didn't really change much in that regard once we got out of the quarantine bubble thing. Platforms all seem to work well: Match, Tinder, Bumble etc...

So ya, not sure if this post will help you feel better but let me see if I can give you some feedback that might assist you. Trigger warning: I'm going to be pretty direct.

You have a sample size of 8 and that's probably good enough for us to jump to some conclusions. As I think about what you shared, I think it is something to do with you and something that comes through on a first date but doesn't come through in your profile or pre-date courtship. Otherwise, you wouldn't have made it that far. And it is something that has caused 7 of the 8 to not be interested in a second date. So, let's dig in. Starting with the obvious things that would cause so many women to take a pass:

Misrepresentation: Probably the #1 "ender" I know of is misrepresentation. Typically this the height inflation thing - dude says he 5'10" and he's really 5'7". But it could be anything: photos, weight, occupation, living status etc... Is there anything that you're saying in your profile that could be construed as misrepresentation? Misrepresentation is different from omission - in this case. Have you received any feedback on these dates to this effect?

Omission/New Info: Are you disclosing any new information on these first dates that would be a serious game changer for these women? E.g. you live with your parents, STI status, criminal background etc? Anything peculiar about you in this regard?

Bad Breath/BO: Any chance you have bad breath or BO? Are your clothes clean? What about smelly shoes? Odor can be an immediate turn off for a lot of women.

 

More subjective things:

Negativity: Are you a negative person? So you speak about your exes on these first dates? 

Profanity: Do you use a lot of it on these dates?

Fashion: Do you have some good date attire? What about the shoes?

Controversial Opinions: Do you discuss any sensitive topics like politics, race or religion on these first dates? 

Behavior: Usual first dates are cocktails or maybe a meal. They last 1-2 hours and neither party gets drunk. What are your first dates like?

Who Pays: Not interested in igniting a debate on this topic but just to share with you, I always pay. Without question. Are you picking up the check? If not, give it a try. Because: "I really liked him but then he picked up the check and I now don't want to see him again," said no woman ever. 

Conversation: Do you give good conversation? Do they do a lot of the talking? Do you ask questions?

Initiation: Do you initiate the dates? Do you ask for second ones?

 

Okay, react to that and see if anything stands out. There is something going on on that first date that comes as a surprise and a disappointment to the women you go out with. 

 

Mrin

 

 

 

[Foxhall]

On 12/12/2021 at 10:13 PM, jdesey said:

for a man and I can only speak for a man it is just brutal. The rejection, the ghosting after you’re in a conversation with somebody, canceled dates, women that won’t meet, etc.

Yes not easy out there is it

your frame of mind seems wrong for a starting point, you seem to be disillusioned before you begin,

maybe try to look on it you are meeting new women,  a date can be an enjoyable experience, getting to know someone new with different perspectives, brighten up your day.

it is merely a bonus if you find a romantic spark

Edited December 13, 2021 by Foxhall

[chillii]

20 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Man I'm even lucky to get a date for the yr lol. Yes feel you for sure. Online dating ain't worked for me. I give up on it then go back out of boredom hoping it might be different. Tried all sorts of different apps and approaches photos etc opening lines. Zoosk seems to be the only one that I get matches on and now even Zoosk is filling up with a lot of fake profiles and scammers. I've lost a lot of confidence in dating over time. Been single now five yrs. I'm  more indifferent now. Not as eager to get a date. The scammers that go on em has really made em risky and crap. As soon as they ask for watsapp I'm put off and think it's a scammer or fake profile. Most cases it is. The dating apps should really screen people better. Maybe verify photo and get Id to confirm people's identities to stop fake profiles and scammers. That's what's really bad about these apps.you just don't wanna invest the time to later learn it's a fake profile 

 

 

But can l ask , were you actually hoping to meet that special someone , or just a date.

They are on them but yeah sadly , most of it is just crap but eh with a good eye you just bypass those, by the 100s actually but they were very easily spotted l found.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Just take a break. Consider more real life options and other dating apps.

If you are burned out step back a while.

What's the alternative? A monastery?

[jdesey]

Thank you everyone for the comments. The only thing that makes it OK in my brain is when I say “when the right one appears she will make it easy“ so along the way there’s just a lot of women that are not the right one.

 

I was engaged in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. We met online. Even though it didn’t work out in the end she made it very easy to date her and end up in a relationship.

[JRabbit]

@Mrinmade an excellent post. OP can you relate to any of those points?

[Johnson1]

I know exactly where you're coming from. I was married for 30 years, then was engaged recently for a year and a half and like you mine didn't work either. I just recently decided to try online dating again. It's only been less than a week and I'm disheartened by it already. Too many skittish people who don't know what they want. All the ones I met after my divorce I met from going out and meeting personally (not that they lasted all that long either, but ...). I'm going to keep doing that. It's probably your best bet. A lot of people on dating sites have a tendency to stay on them while you're dating so they're flighty. Quick to dump looking for Mr Perfect.

[dramafreezone]

On 12/12/2021 at 2:13 PM, jdesey said:

Four background I am a 55-year-old male, live in California, been single since my divorce 14 years ago, did have a 2 1/2 year long-term relationship and was engaged but it didn’t work out.

there’s an old saying “the juice ain’t worth the squeeze“.  
 

this is how I feel right now at the end of another year of frustration with dating. I had approx  8  first dates and I had one that went to a second date this year. I have been meeting women with online dating the whole time I’ve been single.

it would be easy to say it’s all because of Covid and the lockdown but this started long before that.  for a man and I can only speak for a man it is just brutal. The rejection, the ghosting after you’re in a conversation with somebody, canceled dates, women that won’t meet, etc.

here I am at the end of the year asking myself why should I even continue to try? I would love to hear from the other men on this. Do you feel the same? What do you do when you feel like this? I don’t want to continue down this very painful road of dating but I don’t want to be alone either. 

I've learned to just adjust my expectations.

Somewhat related, but online dating has changed the way we date forever.  I do think that online dating will be one of the best things to happen to humans, but we're in the phase where we're learning to use it responsibly.  I've not done any data on this, but I imagine when the automobile was first available on a widespread basis, there were a lot of hiccups, accidents everywhere, faulty automobile parts, a lot of issues had to be dealt with before we could truly benefit from cars.  I think the same has to happen with OLD, we have a lot of kinks to work out with it, and unfortunately those that are dating right now, we're the ones getting into proverbial wrecks, with the faulty parts of OLD.

Online dating is the source of many of the problems with dating today, but I would say your problem though is what you mentioned last, you are scared of being alone.  I think this is what women can sense of you and it's an unattractive trait.  You have to learn to enjoy your own company.  Until you master that, you'll continue to have trouble dating. 

No woman wants to be the focus of your life, despite what they may say.  You have to be able to go on a date and just have an attitude of "let's see what happens," as opposed to "I have to make this work because I don't want to be alone."

[SumGuy]

OLD went well with me, about the same age and same story as OP.   Not that it was hard to meet women, but only about 1 in 4 met clicked with.  Mrin makes some valid points. 

[Versacehottie]

I agree with a lot of points made.. Mrin's is really good with points to analyze and consider.  I like numbers & stats too and I would say to have any sort of success you probably need a BIGGER sample size population. 8 people is probably not enough to judge success or failure on and you just need a bigger number of attempts.  If you can push your attractiveness quotient higher and up the number of attempts, you would greatly up your chances for success. To his and Marc's points, though you have a big enough experience sample size to analyze what about yourself you can work on to have more successful dates and tip things to where you have more of a choice in the matter

And because we are talking about humans here: you have to find a way to keep yourself positive about the process. If online isn't working for you or you need to take a step back, do that. I also think people you meet in real life have a higher success rate (i'm just guessing I don't have stats on this one less of an online shopping vibe like someone mentioned which is dismissive and less human) so you should probably find ways you could create dating opportunities in real life via your social or business life or hobbies.  I think if you lower your expectations and just date to meet people and take the pressure off yourself to find the ONE, it might make things actually happen because you will be more fun to be around.  Also because we are talking about humans, it's a bit random so don't compare yourself with someone else's success. It's nuanced, especially to get all the chemistry, timing and personalities aligned. Someone else might get lucky on the first try due to timing and bumping into their perfect person with a sample size of one but for you or others it might take a much larger sample pool.

If you are feeling dejected right now, then take a break to reset yourself and find what makes you feel good about yourself. usually when people are happy about themselves, it's easier to find the right person (and easier to hang in there to keep trying). Good luck!

Edited December 16, 2021 by Versacehottie

[AngryGromit]

On 12/12/2021 at 5:13 PM, jdesey said:

here I am at the end of the year asking myself why should I even continue to try? I would love to hear from the other men on this. Do you feel the same? What do you do when you feel like this? I don’t want to continue down this very painful road of dating but I don’t want to be alone either. 

I got Separated in 2017 and divorced in 2018, and at 50 years old really didn't have trouble meeting other woman to date. I guess it's all about how you approach the problem. For me, I had professionally taken photos of myself. I gave an accurate description of myself, my interests and what I was looking for. I never lied when exchanging message to prospective matches. I believe the main problem when so many people have trouble finding matches is because the are not completely honest with others when trying to get a date. They use older photos where they look younger and not as overweight.  They claim they don't smoke or use drugs when they really do. When your dating someone and you tell little white lies to get a date, prospective matches look at you and say he said he was only 250 and he's easily 300 pounds, if he lies about that, WHAT else is he lying about. 

Edited December 18, 2021 by AngryGromit