My ex broke up with me when I told them I am in recovery

[jambopilgrim1983]

I met a lady online while I was living outside of London during the pandemic. Over the next few months we spent probably over a hundred hours chatting on FaceTime. About five months later, we met in person and we both felt in love with one another and had chemistry, we are similar in many ways in terms of our career and where we are at in life. Both want children etc. I am 38 years old and she just turned 40.

It was almost too good to be true. However on the second time we met in person, I told her I had a meeting to attend, albeit a 12 step meeting as used to have substance abuse and alcohol issues. She did not take it well at all, cried and said why is this happening to me, “I am a good person” she professed about herself”. I spent the next few hours and most of the night explaining and talking it through.

She said it’s a deal breaker for her, I was quite surprised. However she told me no one has treated her the way I had before and that I was the most together, thoughtful and kind person she had ever dated.

Over the next 2 months we continued to see each other. She told me when I told her I was in recovery, when I left her place she checked her jewellery boxes. I did not get angry and really tried to work through all her preconceptions. She asked me if I had been violent etc to which the answer was no. She then told her boss, her friends and her parents about the situation so she could decide if she could keep seeing me.

I found it all slightly distressing as most of what she asked me did not apply. I have three degrees and have a great career, my own place is etc. I am blessed.

However after 3 months she said she can’t see me anymore and needs to be with someone who does not have my past with drugs etc. I have been clean for a few years and participating in the 12 steps is part of my life now, I have a sponsor and sponsor others etc.

She also did not like it that I was around other drug addicts at meetings and said stuff like what if they follow you home and find out where I live. All the stuff she same out with after I said I attend 12 step meetings and I am in recovery amazes me still.

I find it hard that all was going so well until I mentioned I was in recovery. I regret not telling her earlier. She did say if I had she would have stopped talking to me right away. She also kept remarking and reminding me that I took drugs in the past and why couldn’t I be more like her brother who never took them and drinks ‘like a gentleman’.

I am worried that whenever I meet someone I like, I going to have similar issues and no one is going to want to be with me.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jambopilgrim1983 said:

. Over the next few months we spent probably over a hundred hours chatting on FaceTime. About five months later, we met in person 

I find it hard that all was going so well until I mentioned I was in recovery. I regret not telling her earlier. 

Sorry this happened. Why did it take close to half a year to meet in person?

While her reaction was unpleasant, people have the right to their red flag and deal breakers. It's not your job to convince her of anything.

The deception wasn't a good idea. Next time be upfront about yourself.

Also meet soon after a few messages. The 5 mo. build up was also not a good idea.

You're going to have to be more realistic about things. Some people are skittish about relapses as well as a past history of drugs.

While sobriety groups are great and a good idea, not everyone will applaud you. Especially when you were deceitful for months.

[Acacia98]

I'm sorry, @jambopilgrim1983. You deserve better. She has every right to not want to date someone in recovery, but the sentiments she expressed were cruel. And she sounds self-centered too.

I think you should be forthcoming about being in recovery earlier in the dating process. That gives the other person the opportunity to make an informed decision about continuing to date you before they've invested a lot emotionally. It also protects you from experiencing this kind of rejection when you've invested so much and are so vulnerable.

[jambopilgrim1983]

Thanks for the responses. Some interesting points and has given me some perspective. 
 

The reason we spent so long talking online prior to meeting was because I had moved away from the city where I usually live during lockdown and we couldn’t meet in person. Then when I came back she needed to self isolate prior to visiting her parents so we postponed meeting for a further month until she had the chance to do that. 
 

She has never had a relationship longer than 6 months since her 20s and I guess this one was not much different. I think I found it hard in that she said she had never felt the way she had with me and someone has never enhanced her life as much as I had in such a short period of time but that she could not be at ease with my past. I am feeling a lot better about it and completely understand it’s her right to choose or decide what her red flags are. 
 

She also had quite severe anxiety that I did not know about until we met, which I was trying to support with and did not bother me other than wanted her to feel comfortable. however I did encourage her too seek help / therapy which when I last heard from her she mentioned having booked sessions with a therapist. I was happy about that. 

I genuinely wish her well and hope she finds who she is looking for. 
 

I have met a few people lately and disclosed that I am in recovery early on and has not stopped them reaching out to meet up again so I guess I just keep moving forward from here and put this behind me. I am starting to feel enthusiastic and excited about what the future brings again. 

Edited December 12, 2021 by jambopilgrim1983

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, jambopilgrim1983 said:

She said it’s a deal breaker for her, I was quite surprised.

Why were you surprised by this??  The success rate for addicts is very low, the vast majority relapse and create carnage in other people's lives.  And I can speak from experience, as I briefly dated a woman who was going to AA.  Of course she relapsed, wrecked her car, got fired from her job, almost got evicted from her apartment and the list goes on and on.  Most people have either been through this or know of someone that has been through this and its just not worth it.

I don't think it is right that she shared your personal business with friends, boss, family, etc. but I guess that is the chance you take when you disclose anything personal to someone you are dating.

I think the best course of action (going forward) is to disclose this fact early in the dating process or keep your mouth shut & "take it to your grave"  The second course of action may be harder if you are still attending 12 step meetings, but if you can stay clean & sober without the meetings, then don't disclose it.

Personally, there are parts of my past, that my long term girlfriend will never know about.  I am taking some of my past "to my grave" and no one will ever know.

[glows]

I agree with Acacia’s comments. Some of her words are cruel and unnecessary, especially when comparing you to her brother. This is so irrelevant and immature. From what you’ve written you may be the exception to the norm and you’re facing stereotypes about your past and while in recovery. 

Keep on the straight and narrow and attend your meetings. Don’t let others or negative assumptions about you get you down. You’ve come this far so carry on. 

I’m glad to hear you’re meeting new people. 

[FMW]

She of course has every right to choose not to be involved with someone for any reason.

That being said, I agree with the others that she handled things badly.  Showing concern and needing to give it some thought is the smart move for anyone considering whether or not to date another, whether because of their past substance abuse or for any other issue.  However,  her extreme reaction (crying and having a pity party for herself) was reason for YOU to choose not to see her again after the second date. Unless I am reading things wrong, she continued seeing you for another 2 months following your revelation and her bad reaction.   

I agree with needing to bring up the issue early.  If in the future you again chat for months with someone before actually meeting them, bring it up prior to scheduling an actual date.      

Don't date anyone who treats you with suspicion or is having a difficult time choosing whether or not to be with you (for any reason).  No one wants to deal with being treated that way, and it can't be helpful to your continued sobriety.  

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, jambopilgrim1983 said:

She did say if I had she would have stopped talking to me right away.

The deception for months may have been worse than whatever history you have. That alone is a reason not to trust you.

[jambopilgrim1983]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond. Been interesting and encouraging to hear your opinions and thoughts on my post. 
 

I always take away the lessons to be learned and how to do better next time. I realise I have much to be grateful for as my life is pretty amazing. Sure things did not work out the way I may have liked but that’s okay. 
 

We clearly are not meant for each other and can see that now. I am sure we will both find what we seek. 
 

I met someone this evening for the third time, as I mentioned that I am in recovery last time we met and she finds it all quite fascinating and appreciates the commitment to self improvement.

Thanks again  

Edited December 12, 2021 by jambopilgrim1983

[SumGuy]

On 12/12/2021 at 4:17 AM, jambopilgrim1983 said:

....She also kept remarking and reminding me that I took drugs in the past and why couldn’t I be more like her brother who never took them and drinks ‘like a gentleman’.

I am worried that whenever I meet someone I like, I going to have similar issues and no one is going to want to be with me.

I believe you dodged a bullet.  She has some real deep prejudices here, more disturbing to me than the fact you once took drugs.  You are in recovery and working on your issues, she is using all she can to reinforce her prejudices and doubling down on her issues.  Seriously someone following you home from the 12 step program, what kind of paranoia is that.

She has seriously bought hook, line and sinker, the most awful media portrayals of addiction...let's call them sensational and misguided at best.

I do not think you will have similar issues with everyone, and there are many who can and will understand.   Stay strong.

 

To poke more wholes in her world view...like alcohol is not a drug, it certainly is and a strong one.  What in the world does "drink like a gentleman" even mean, does that mean martinis only (shaken not stirred) , with pinky raised?  

[basil67]

On 12/12/2021 at 8:17 PM, jambopilgrim1983 said:

She did not take it well at all, cried and said why is this happening to me, “I am a good person” she professed about herself”.

She's all Drama, isn't she.   Nothing was "happening to her" and your prior substance abuse has nothing to do with whether or not she's a good person.  No wonder she's never been able to sustain a relationship.

For what it's worth, I do understand that some people are wary of those who have issues with addiction.  But this behaviour of victimising herself was just nuts.  

You dodged a bullet.

[dramafreezone]

On 12/12/2021 at 1:17 AM, jambopilgrim1983 said:

It was almost too good to be true. However on the second time we met in person, I told her I had a meeting to attend, albeit a 12 step meeting as used to have substance abuse and alcohol issues. She did not take it well at all, cried and said why is this happening to me, “I am a good person” she professed about herself”. I spent the next few hours and most of the night explaining and talking it through.

 

So, you told *her* about your substance abuse past and she said "why is this happening to me?"  Seems incredibly self-centered, maybe I'm reading that wrong.  You would've been completely justified to cut the date short.  You definitely dodged a bullet.

[jambopilgrim1983]

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

So, you told *her* about your substance abuse past and she said "why is this happening to me?"  Seems incredibly self-centered, maybe I'm reading that wrong.  You would've been completely justified to cut the date short.  You definitely dodged a bullet.

Hi Dramafreezone, that’s correct. We continued on for three months. She had HPV that came up on a smear test prior to us meeting and she kept blaming me for that also, as instead of trying to read up on how to solve it she was reading about addiction and neglecting herself. 
 

I was trying to support her with that and out her mind at ease and as I have doctors In the family tried to get her to talk to the to put her mind at ease. It was a crazy few months and in hindsight should have walked away earlier but easy to say now. 

Edited December 17, 2021 by jambopilgrim1983

[mark clemson]

Let her go (you may have no choice in the matter). This is important info for someone to be aware of, suggest that next time around you mention this earlier in so that they won't feel like you've kept a secret from them for so long. I think you had the misfortune to get attached to someone who's very closed-minded about this specific issue and thus it is a deal-breaker.

From what you write, it appears that you are a good partner. In her specific case this was a genuine incompatibility, but not everyone will be like this, so you have a decent chance of finding someone who's less closed minded next time around or after a few more tries.

[petee]

On 12/17/2021 at 5:32 PM, jambopilgrim1983 said:

Hi Dramafreezone, that’s correct. We continued on for three months. She had HPV that came up on a smear test prior to us meeting and she kept blaming me for that also, as instead of trying to read up on how to solve it she was reading about addiction and neglecting herself. 
 

I was trying to support her with that and out her mind at ease and as I have doctors In the family tried to get her to talk to the to put her mind at ease. It was a crazy few months and in hindsight should have walked away earlier but easy to say now. 

Consider the bullet dodged, mate!

you are in the process of finishing school, doing all the right things that can be hard. She sounds a bit shallow, a bit self centred, but more importantly it seems she has a closed mind. You stick at it, you are doing amazing, but also your past is your past.

I know little about substance abuse and addiction, but I know it’s easier to slip back than crawl forward, so credit and respect to you. You met a wrong ‘un. I think it’s hard to move on from from someone like that , an 80% box ticker, but she doesn’t seem to be able to give you that credit you deserve.

stick at it, the right one is coming.

[vla1120]

On 12/12/2021 at 7:07 AM, jambopilgrim1983 said:

She has never had a relationship longer than 6 months since her 20s and I guess this one was not much different.

I'm sorry that happened. I also would recommend you putting that information right out on the table shortly after you meet someone, especially if you want the relationship to move past a few dates. Your past is NOTHING to be ashamed of and good for you for taking the steps you needed to take to get sober. Unfortunately, not everyone will be understanding or willing to move forward with someone in recovery. Try not to take it too personal, especially given her own history of not having a relationship for longer than 6 months since her 20's. There's something going on, there. 

 

On 12/17/2021 at 12:32 PM, jambopilgrim1983 said:

She had HPV that came up on a smear test prior to us meeting and she kept blaming me for that also, as instead of trying to read up on how to solve it she was reading about addiction and neglecting herself. 

Wait. She had HPV come up BEFORE she ever met you in person and somehow you are to blame?? Wow. You can do better. Apparently, she makes a great pen pal, but not such a good partner in person.